How do you get over ruining your marriage?

[ChewbaccaBabe]

I had an affair and was found out. My husband wanted me to leave and I moved out earlier this year. After a few months we started talking and spending time together and he agreed that we could try again.
We agreed to take things slowly and I would stay in my rental property. Over the past two weeks he's become distant and has changed his mind, he says he can't get past what I've done. I do understand that... I think there are things that we could do that would help us as a couple get over it but that's probably easier for me to say.

Has anyone else out there lost the person they loved because of a completely selfish and stupid act.. how do you get over it? Knowing that your actions made you lose (throw away) the person you realise you loved?

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just don't know how to move forward.

It will take time. How long was the affair?

I think you need to accept that you did it for a reason, and you made active choices along the way. It wasn't a single impulse, it was a whole series of decisions. You chose to have the affair, you chose to maintain it and hide it. Why?

Find someone to talk to about it (a professional, it's more than you can ask of a friend) or journal it.

I did it 20 years ago. I lost the love of my life through my own insecurity, attention seeking stupid childish selfish ways .
I've been married twice more since but neither have meant more than my first husband .
I'm sorry my story isn't such a happy ending you might have wanted to hear .

@dakalo I'm not expecting a happy ending, I am just finding it so hard, coming so close to having a second chance. I feel gutted for me but also for my husband. Gutted to have done this to him and so sad that I won't have him in my life.

@Allthingsgreatandsmall just under a year.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity I know, at the time it just didn't seem real. I know this is all on me.

Was there something missing for you from the relationship? Perhaps you were already thinking of leaving the relationship. But just don't like feeling the rejection of him making the decision?

Was the marriage perfect , probably not
And why did you have an affair ?
Boredom, Lust ?

The feeling of having ruined and broken something is an awful one
And only
You can determine if it’s genuine self
Sabotage

But I’d say if it’s over , it’s over
And you have to make peace with yourself

I don’t know how you’re handling your husbands trauma but getting that wrong can harm any chance you have of making things better.

How much have you read into infidelity? How much support have you reached out for?

There are books, websites, videos which can help guide you, if not to repair your marriage (it may be too late) but certainly to become a safer partner in future. Surviving infidelity (website) has a great board for cheaters looking to do better (called wayward). Affair recovery is a great YouTube site. ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’ is a good book.

Whatever you do, don’t go down the ‘something missing in the marriage line’ for why you had an affair, whatever you read on here. Bottom line is it just doesn’t ring true for any betrayed spouse and will not heal a marriage.

Once you’ve started reading and researching you may feel individual counselling will delve better into your whys.

I’m sorry you’re losing your husband. Reconciliation after such a betrayal is hard.

If you want to reconcile and there’s still a chance, then I echo Ladybug. There’s also a great website called ‘emotional affair’. Google ‘Linda and Doug 24 most common mistakes made by the unfaithful after infidelity’. Can’t get the darn link to add to my post, sorry.

All I can say OP is try to be kind to yourself, I did something similar in my 20s and I actually chose to leave 2 years after it came out , because despite saying he wanted to stay together he couldn’t really move on at all and kept throwing it in my face in rather nasty ways — which to be honest I understood- particularly as I’ve since been on the receiving end - I now understand it’s almost impossible to feel exactly the same about someone and you can get fits of anger and mistrust , . You did something very crap , but it doesn’t mean life is over, just sadly that it’s unlikely this relationship will work out— all you can do is move on with life, be the best you can and learn from this experience and avoid putting yourself in the same situation that lead you to do this.

Going against the grain, can you offer counselling? Ask him if there was a chance he could get past it and you make it up to him, would he take it? Be as frank as possible. If he still says no then you've got your answer. But if he's willing to try then maybe give it a go and know he may never fully revert to how he used to be. Cheating is wrong on so many levels but you can't undo the past so no point killing your self over it. Try and change the future and use it as a learning curve.

I have no advice, but I have been in your Husband’s position when I found out my wife was having an affair, I thought the issues between us for the last 18 or months of our marriage must have all been my fault somehow - but turned out she was seeing a work colleague.

For me there was no going back, I think your husband must be stronger than I was to even think about a 2nd chance , I didn’t, I was gutted, I had met the other man a few times at drinks and a company event, so kinda knew him a little bit.

Neither of us were from the area of the country we were living in at the time, so she left our house at the time ( I asked her to), and she moved back home, we didn’t have any children, so was easy, sold the house, split the money, went our own ways,
Still makes me wonder why these days and was over 12 years ago.

@JustAnother0ldMan I'm so sorry you went through this. It's this that kills me, knowing I've done something that will potentially affect him forever :(. I don't want him to have a shit life because of my crap decisions.

I wish more than anything I could take back what I did.

@notsogreenthumb I think this is why I'm struggling so much - he wanted me to go back. I had thought we needed counselling to help us both get through what I did, but he wasn't keen to speak to anybody, he said it would be too weird. And now he's said completely out of the blue that he can't get past it and I just think we haven't really tried. I'd be willing to do anything to try and gain his trust again.

It feels awful knowing what you've done to someone, I could never ever do anything like this again. I just wish I hadn't done it to him.

Excellent post from @Ladybug123.

@Crikeyalmighty thank you, I understand too how hard it is to move past being betrayed. I'm just struggling to accept that this phase of life is over, I really don't want it to be and I wish I had realised that before id did something so bloody stupid.

You're right though, I have learnt from this, I would never do this again.

@Ladybug123 thank you for your post, it's so helpful. I've read loads into it. It was one of the first thigs I did, I wanted to truly understand why I did what I did, if there was any way of us getting over it and if so, what I needed to do to help my husband. I've read some really helpful articles and books and am having counselling myself.

I did post on Surviving Infidelity - I wanted to do whatever I could to help my husband. I got completely slated though for refusing to tell the AP's wife. The affair ended in January, we've had no contact since, I didn't think it was right for me to rock up after all this time and tell her. I don't think this is something that would make my husband think I was safer. Maybe I'm completely wrong about that though.

There were things missing in our marriage but I ultimately decided to go off and do something about that with someone else rather than try to work on my marriage. That wasn't what led to me doing what I did, that was more because how I was feeling about myself and life and I wish more than anything that I'd put all of that effort into the relationship with my husband. Because he's pretty f*cking amazing! I know I deserve to lose him after what I've done, it is so hard though knowing this is my fault. and knowing how much I have hurt him.

I have learnt so much over the past few months. Too late to save us sadly, but I guess I know I'd never go through this again!

@Thewookiemustgo thank you - I will read that.

@BrilliantBetty it's the feeling of knowing I've devastated someone I love and wasted my time with someone else when I should have put ever effort into him.

@Thisisworsethananticpated not perfect but pretty good. I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. It's almost like looking back at someone else, I can't quite believe what I did.

My husband and I are in a similar position @ChewbaccaBabe, but with the roles reversed. I found out about the OW on 20th April, have been married 12 years, affairs lasted 8 weeks or so. We have children.
I have read all the messages etc. Tbh I have devastated days and hours, but we are working on things and I have hope.
I would give him time and space. Let him work his head out, it’s such a mindfuck on so many levels.
He asked to work on it once. There may still be a chance (I’m not trying to give you false hope, just the outside chance).

affair*

[quote ChewbaccaBabe]@JustAnother0ldMan I'm so sorry you went through this. It's this that kills me, knowing I've done something that will potentially affect him forever :(. I don't want him to have a shit life because of my crap decisions.

I wish more than anything I could take back what I did.[/quote]
Personally I didn’t (still don’t), have a shit life, but it’s just different to the what I previously had, I think you have to be a bit pragmatic TBH.

I doubt your husband will have a shit life, it’s going to be tough for a while, emotionally shit for some time for sure, , but he will probably meet someone else and go on and have a different life from what was previous.

@The6thQueen ah I'm so sorry you're going through this. Can I ask you if the length of the affair time would have made a difference to you?

From someone who has cheated, I know that people can change, I believe it is possible to be a better, safer person after doing something like this. I really hope things work out for you.

It is a complete mindfuck!

I had hope, and it was such a good feeling to think I/we had a chance, but now, I don't think there is any. He won't talk to me about things, he won't tell me what he's feeling, he just keeps saying he can't get past it. So I have to accept what he's telling me, it's just so so hard.

@JustAnother0ldMan ha sorry, I wasn't trying to imply your life is shit or that my husband's will be because of me.

I know my husband. Since he found out he hasn't really talked to anyone, he hasn't talked to me and he's said that he has all of these thoughts in his mind still. So I am just worried that he won't deal with what I did and it will affect him forever if he doesn't - I can be a bit dramatic!

If I'm not going to be with him, I hope he does meet someone when he's ready and I hope they have, I hope he has a wonderful life (I am sobbing as I type this because I want that to be with me so much).

Please don't be too hard on yourself @ChewbaccaBabe. We're all only human and we all have times in life when we make mistakes or do things that we regret. There's such an awful lot of pressure in society for people to stay faithful from the time they meet their partner until they're in old age, but people change, feelings change, situations change...and life is never as simple as we would hope it to be .

@AbiJo thank you ❤