How do you get over ruining your marriage?

[ChewbaccaBabe]

I had an affair and was found out. My husband wanted me to leave and I moved out earlier this year. After a few months we started talking and spending time together and he agreed that we could try again.
We agreed to take things slowly and I would stay in my rental property. Over the past two weeks he's become distant and has changed his mind, he says he can't get past what I've done. I do understand that... I think there are things that we could do that would help us as a couple get over it but that's probably easier for me to say.

Has anyone else out there lost the person they loved because of a completely selfish and stupid act.. how do you get over it? Knowing that your actions made you lose (throw away) the person you realise you loved?

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just don't know how to move forward.

I think that seeing as you lied to him and gaslighted him and also didn't then cut contact with OM, you really need to let him go.

That was a couple of clear chances you had to come clean / make better decisions and you didn't. From your ex's point of view that will have made him feel not just betrayed but like an absolute mug. And at the time he might even have thought he was going mad, felt bad for being paranoid etc.

Being cheated on leaves such a deep wound and while I appreciate you're in pain, you've been in control of the journey whereas it's happened to him out of his control.

The kindest and most loving thing to do is to let him go so he can meet someone new where he doesn't have this huge baggage. Even that will be difficult, as he may never trust his judgement or another person's word again. But the best chance of him healing is moving on from you.

That's not to say you should self flagellate forever. You need to process and heal too, but you need to do that separately from him and accept (as I think you're starting to) that you were a perpetrator and not a victim. It will take time but hopefully you'll both find happiness again.

Let him go.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I think it has been really enlightening facing up to how I've behaved and calling it by its name, the gaslighting. That actually horrifies me and makes me feel sick to know that's what I've done.

I've never thought I was the victim but I struggled to understand his behaviour over the past week. Now I have a much better understanding and know that I have to let him go.

Good for you OP.

By letting him go kindly and showing him respect you will help gain some self respect back.

This is important as you need to heal, learn from this, and forgive yourself.

@ChewbaccaBabe
You said it's been 8 months. Your husband seems to have kept up more communication with you that I might have expected (but really I can't judge can I - not being in the same situation) - I imagine it's perhaps leading you to think it may just take him time to turn his thoughts around to thinking you can carry on together - is that what you are quietly thinking or hoping for?

In practical terms have you done anything at all to start making plans for your own life without him?

You are stuck in limbo ATM and I do wonder if he will be unable to make much progress without being able to vent or really talk it out with someone - does it not cross your mind you could be stuck like this for a lot longer than you already have been? Do you have a time frame in mind and some action that you will take to break the deadlock?

Accepting your marriage is over will be the best thing for you both. Your husband doesn't sound as if he wants to live his life never being able to trust wife.

You don't. You learn from it and keep your pants on next time. And hope you find someone who can look past what you did prior. As I know I wouldn't. I'd be rightly worried you'd do it again to the next person so that would be a deal breaker.

Good luck. I'm glad you got the wake up call you deserved.

@ChewbaccaBabe "Now I have a much better understanding and know that I have to let him go"

Please do follow through with that. Very few people survive an affair well as the wronged party. A friend of mine took her husband back but after 5 years she threw in the towel. She said there wasn't a day she didn't think about what he had done and the dishonesty which destroyed trust. She accepted he had been a model husband since, tried hard etc.......but she just couldn't do it.

They divorced and she has no regrets at all aside from wasting 5 years of her life. Please don't do that to him

I realise this is an old (ish) thread but I was just wondering what decision you came to in the end? I hope whatever the choice that you and he are both happy now x