How do you get over ruining your marriage?

[ChewbaccaBabe]

I had an affair and was found out. My husband wanted me to leave and I moved out earlier this year. After a few months we started talking and spending time together and he agreed that we could try again.
We agreed to take things slowly and I would stay in my rental property. Over the past two weeks he's become distant and has changed his mind, he says he can't get past what I've done. I do understand that... I think there are things that we could do that would help us as a couple get over it but that's probably easier for me to say.

Has anyone else out there lost the person they loved because of a completely selfish and stupid act.. how do you get over it? Knowing that your actions made you lose (throw away) the person you realise you loved?

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just don't know how to move forward.

I do feel for you OP - honestly! But I think you want to undo what's turn, turn back time, and start again? And that can't be done. In the past I've advised posters here who are on the brink of an affair that however hard it feels to stop, there are people who would give anything to go back to that moment where they are now, and make a different choice.
Once you have betrayed someone and they find out - it pretty much destroys a trust that was nurtured from something small into something big. To regrow it would take so very long and much harder than the first time. So starting again means strarting a completely new relationship with someone you already know - but no longer trust. You need to see what you'd be asking of him is just huge. And the more true his love for you, the harder to overcome. Forgiveness comes easier to those who are also guilty or have less invested.

The question I often pose is - should you ever really be with someone you are cheating on? Not - are they partly responsible for what's missing? Can they forgive you? But should you really devote your time or love to someone you also need to deceive? Can that ever be a good relationship?

Ultimately regret, guilt, and the need for forgiveness can make us feel things and want things that don't really serve us.
Perhaps in time he will forgive you, and that will be enough. You've changed his life forever too.
Some counselling may help you understand what allowed you to cheat, and what drove you to jeopardise your marriage, when it wasn't what you wanted.

FWIW - around half of all infidelity ends in divorce- but of those that stay together, I suspect very few are truly happy in the same way they were. Infidelity changes lives, and we all have to accept change in our lives in the end.
Good luck OP - I'm sure there is a happier ending for you than the one you seek.

@ChewbaccaBabe has he told you it’s definitely over? If not, if he wants to try, ask him what he needs from you to feel safe again, what you can do to start to help him heal again.
It has to come from you. Whilst he has no right to be abusive or constantly make your life a misery/ punish you for what you did, it’s his right to make the journey back to trust all about him, not you. Ask him to be honest about what he needs from you to go forward and be honest with yourself as to whether you can do this.
It’s a tough, long road and you need to be brave, resilient and very, very patient. If you both really want it, it’s achievable, but you’re looking at a long, slow rollercoaster ride to get there. Not everyone thinks it’s worth it or even achievable after betrayal, but only you and your husband can decide that. It’s clear from your writing that you are full of remorse and blame yourself. Tell him that. Words are cheap and at present your word might no longer be worth anything to him, so back it up with actions and attentiveness and hang in there. I’m sorry you’ve hurt him and yourself so badly. It’s so sad to hear how much your wake up call has cost you both. I hope you find a way forward. X

You mentioned you refused to tell the APs wife - was that something your husband asked you to do ?

Probably a bit late now but that is something concrete that shows you place your husband above AP

SI is a hard place for someone who has cheated. They really know their stuff and don’t pull the punches. It may be time to try and listen to what they have to say again. You may have just been not ready to really hear their messages.

I personally would have also advised you to own your poor choices and tell his wife. She deserves to know and have her personal agency back BUT I realise that this is not the topic of this thread.

When it comes to your attempts to heal your marriage, just don’t try to control the situation, but do ask him what he needs and do make it clear to him that reconciliation is what you want, you need to show you’re 100% there for him, will answer anything he wants and will offer total transparency. Yes his decision may well be made but these things will help him heal even if you do separate and divorce.

I am reconciled (and very happy), but I know that it took a lot for my husband to fill that trust bucket and for me to get over the shame of staying and that really is not an easy path. And it took some real introspection from him to help me feel safe again.

I know you’re in pain and I’m so sorry.

@Seadad you're right of course, I want to completely undo what I did, and I can't. I would say the same to anyone standing on the precipice, don't do it... I guess what I'm asking is too much. I just hate myself for what I've done.. he's told me he doesn't hate me and he wants us to be friends. He is so bloody lovely... I really hope he has a happy life.

You sound like a counsellor, are you?

@Thewookiemustgo he has said it's something he can't see past. I've tried to spell out what I could and would do to help him realise I truly regret and am ashamed of what I did and I want to rebuild his trust but he's not in a place to hear this. It's been almost 8 months since he found out so I think I need to accept what he's telling me, it is just so hard.

I am full of remorse, I don't understand how I did this to him, he's my favourite person and I've been an utter twat.

Despite everything he's told me he can't hate me for what I did, he knows I had my reasons and never meant to hurt him . I want more than anything for him to be ok.

Thank you so much for your message .

Having been with someone and had a child who cheated I can't begin to describe the overwhelming feeling of hurt inside, it churned my stomach thinking about him being intimate then being intimate me. It made me question everything about our relationship being real. He left me for and he tried to get in contact afterwards but I could never have been intimate with him knowing what he did.

Not many people can survive infidelity alot can't get past the betrayal especially a long standing affair. One night stands maybe forgiven in some cases but a long standing affair involves deceitful behaviour, going to great lengths to lead a double life.

@Ladybug123 it wasn't an easy place to post and I knew that, I don't think I deserved easy. I get what the majority of people were saying.. and maybe my mindset still needs to change, but I don't agree that I have to tell the wife to prove I'm safe and I have moved on. If my husband asked me to, well that would be different. If he needed that from me then I'd do whatever he needed. Maybe I have more work to do on me yet.

I've tried not to control or force the situation. It's difficult, my husband is so laid back and a bit of a plodder and has always says he needs a nudge every now and again and I've just worried that he won't do anything, even if he wants to.

I've been honest with him, I've told him how I feel and I've suggested what I could do to hopefully earn his trust again. I know it would be a long hard journey... I have to accept what he's saying though and stop trying to press him into giving me a chance. He hasn't wanted to talk about what happened or why and when he did say he wanted me to go back he still didn't want to talk about things, it felt like he wanted to pretend nothing had happened and I didn't think that was healthy.

Thanks for sharing about you, I'm so glad things worked out for you and you're happy. It's good to hear it can happen.

I hate being in this much pain, but I hate knowing that I've caused him even more pain.

Your messages have been really helpful, thank you .

Have you read Esther Perel on infidelity and surviving affairs? She's very very perceptive about it all and has some excellent and specific advice.

My first thought after reading your post is to ask whether you have addressed at all (either by yourself or with your partner) the factors that led to your cheating? It feels to me like a key part of rebuilding trust is to take responsibility for what went wrong, to fully understand why you cheated and why you lied rather than addressing the need or problem directly, and to commit to change without minimising or glossing over what happened in the past.

@Bananarama21 I know it's an incredibly hard thing to get over, it's such a lot to ask of a person. I get that it would make someone question everything.

No excuses from me, when I look back now I don't understand how I did what I did. It feels almost like an out of body experience, but of course that's just bollocks isn't it. I'll always regret what I did.

I hope it’s just a matter of time snd he needs some space. I’m so sorry.
It is very hard and I came close to giving up many times.
At present you’ve done all you can, don’t be too hard on yourself. X

So my ex had an affair with someone from work. It floored me, utterly devastated my world. We tried again afterwards but I thought I couldn't forgive him, too much had happened and too much pain was between us. I ended it.
Biggest mistake of my life.
It's been 4 years and to this day I would do anything to have him back. He was so very sorry afterwards and now looking back I know he would never have done anything to hurt me again. I was too blind to see it then. I wish more than anything I had of given him that chance as I know he was my person. No one will ever come close and I regret ending things everyday.
If I could tell your husband one thing, forgiveness isn't easy but it's possible. One mistake doesn't have to be the end and a lifetime of regret is far worse than any pain he currently feels.

No excuses from me, when I look back now I don't understand how I did what I did. It feels almost like an out of body experience, but of course that's just bollocks isn't it. I'll always regret what I did

When you say it was an out of body experience, do you mean it was only once and you were under the influence of drugs / alcohol ?

Because if it happened more than once, you made a conscious choice.

Are you saying that you can’t remember the reasons you told yourself at the time ? Because you must have justified it to yourself.

You talk a lot about how you regret it but you are not telling us why you thought it was ok at the time .

@ChewbaccaBabe - no I'm not a counsellor- just maybe a bit of an empath.
You really mustn't hate yourself - however much you hate the things you have done, you have to see that these things don't have to define who you are or what you might do I the future. You are far more than the actions you regret.
If he wants to be friends-well that is about the best place to start. It sounds as though he is still not wanting to confront his feelings. If he didn't get angry, then it's likely he is repressing his negative feelings for fear of what may come out.

Which ever way you look at it, it's the end of a relationship that you didn't want to end, even though if you acted differently you could have changed the outcome. You have that in common with very many broken hearts. Your life is not over and perhaps you are on your way to being better, stronger, with greater self awareness. Those are good things. No ending comes without some regret.

@unim I've watched some of her Ted talks on infidelity. I really like a lot of what she has to say.

Yes, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I know there were things lacking in our marriage, I know how that made me feel. I can see where I went wrong and made completely the wrong decisions.

My husband hasn't wanted to talk and continues not to want to. I find this frustrating because I think open honest discussions could help,but he doesn't see that.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you so much. I suppose I have nothing to lose by giving him space.

@minesagandtnoiceandaslice oh no, that's so sad. It's really interesting to hear that from your perspective. I'm so sorry, I can imagine what it's like to regret your decision. I think I'll always regret what I've done and I'll never have anyone who comes close again.

I really hope you find the happiness you deserve .

@Seadad no I don't think he has confronted his feelings and that worries me. I don't know if he'll ever be able to move on unless he does.

@AusFrosty

You mentioned you refused to tell the APs wife - was that something your husband asked you to do ?

Probably a bit late now but that is something concrete that shows you place your husband above AP

@AusFrosty that crossed my mind too - @ChewbaccaBabe have you asked him whether this has affected his feelings about the possibility of even trying to reconcile?

He is clearly having great difficulty in talking about anything to do with this even with you by the sounds of it - I can't speak for him obviously but I can only imagine he feels incredibly humiliated and emasculated by you and the OM - why would he want to talk about that and humiliate himself even more in front of you and anyone else?
I think he does need be able find someone to talk it out with - someone he can trust with these feelings - at the moment, I guess, understandably - that is not you. Is there such a thing as a support group where people who have been through the same thing can start to open up?

Are you on good enough terms to be able to ask him what things you have done right and what you have done wrong since the cheating was discovered? I wondered if not telling the AP's wife was signalling to him that you were trying to keep the door open to continuing the affair at some point.

8 months is nothing in terms of time to start processing this. I don't know if there is any chance of him getting over this unless he can start to let his thoughts and feelings out - if he barricades himself in with them I can't see how he can escape and move forward to a place where he can think and feel differently. I can only suggest you try and keep in touch with him to let him know you feel - obviously not to pester with him with what you want or plead for what you want - but to ask about him about what you can do to help him a) feel better about what has happened and b) start trusting you. As someone else said - you are starting from scratch - starting from less than zero TBH. This may be too much for you - how will you feel in 12 months time if the prospect of any reconciliation still seems so uncertain? maybe during that time he will start to feel he still wants you in his life.

I have one observation about the language you have used here - you repeatedly say "I wish" - I find this a bit irritating - maybe it's just me - but it sounds like the language of a child - go the whole hog - buy a wand and a fairy dress and spin around making wishes for all the good it will do - I think the "I" is just as annoying as the word "wish" - I thin you need to cut this out in your thinking (and speaking) and start doing some real work on the problems you've created, the damage you have done and the hurt you have caused - do you think you could think a) more concretely and b) about him and say
"What..." can I/you/we do to.. move forward? ...begin trusting? forgive? accept?
"How..." do I/you/we...

I was assaulted once by 2 men - beaten up - I am quite a tough guy mentally and physically I think - fit/sporty/confident - I found it very hard to talk about it - I felt angry and humiliated and re-ran it over in mind wishing I could have changed the way it went - I didn't feel like a man because I could not stand up for myself the way i thought I could - I'd say it too me over 2 years to stop thinking about it all the time - it is those feelings - that someone else, another man (two of them) got something over me, something I could not change - that, rightly or wrongly, I am reminded of when I think about your husbands situation - obviously this is a very personal view and the reality of his situation may actually be quite different - I mention it as a perspective you may not have realised or be able to identify with. This happened when I was 19 - I'm 59 now and have never felt comfortable in crowded places or among people who have been drinking - I hardly drink definitely in part, because of this.

I think you may need to accept that it can't be repaired or at least cannot be the same. Your husband will now know that you can compartmentalize your life and deceive him - and it's very hard to trust someone again (or have respect for them) after they've shown that they can do that.

Perhaps you should consider counselling to understand why your response to issues within the marriage was an affair? I think those who've had affairs, expect too much of the betrayed spouse in terms of forgiveness/moving on etc. and too little of themselves, with respect to owning their issues and personal growth.

@AbiJo

Please don't be too hard on yourself *@ChewbaccaBabe*. We're all only human and we all have times in life when we make mistakes or do things that we regret. There's such an awful lot of pressure in society for people to stay faithful from the time they meet their partner until they're in old age, but people change, feelings change, situations change...and life is never as simple as we would hope it to be .

A year is an awfully long time to spend lying to someone you are supposed to love. It is an awfully long time being deceitful. It is an awfully long time to spend looking at someone who trusts you, in thousands of moments big and small, and not tell them the truth.

One should be hard on oneself after pulling a stunt like that. Very hard indeed. Before moving on.

A year is an awfully long time to spend lying to someone you are supposed to love. It is an awfully long time being deceitful. It is an awfully long time to spend looking at someone who trusts you, in thousands of moments big and small, and not tell them the truth

This.

No wonder he’s not wanting to self reflect with you. You lied to him, repeatedly, day and day for a year. All these regrets and wishes you talk about here - why didn’t they occur to you any time during that year?

And your own self reflection seems to consist of

I was in a dream.
I know there were things lacking in our marriage.
I know how that made me feel.
I can see where I went wrong and made completely the wrong decisions.
I’m frustrated because I now want honest discussion and he won’t cooperate.
In order to move on ( the way I think he should and to my timescale ) , my husband needs to confront his feelings.

The time for honest discussion was BEFORE your affair, when you suddenly noticed all the problems in your marriage. The inadequacies in your husband that were bad enough to allow you ( in your own head ) to cheat on him but not bad enough to leave him.

I’m not sure you are in a position now to insist on openess, honestly and discussion. Especially when that seems to involve a degree of blame on your husband.

Maybe you need to do some work on WHY you thought the solution to your marriage issues was to shag someone else and lie to your DH.

And how that makes him feel.

You seem to have done a lot of work on how you feel ( wishes, regrets ) but little empathy.

I’m sorry I’m sure you don’t want to read this, it’s much easier to read posts that say

“ Don't worry we all do silly thing, I forgot my phone / lost my keys once don’t be hard on yourself “ .

But if you want to rebuild your marriage , it might help you more to consider want your DH feels and less about your own feelings.

I’m sure it would help him if you took 100% of the blame for the affair.

The fact that you both might be 50:50 responsible for the issues in your marriage is a separate thing.

I came back here to say pretty much exactly what ISODORA has said. And have nodded through larkstar and harriedharriet. It concerns me greatly that despite the thoughtful posts on here you STILL talk about problems in your marriage. Your affair was a problem with you. Whatever was going on in your head you CHOSE to lie and deceive for over a year. This is on you, nothing to do with your husband, marriages, you control YOU.

As an aside Esther Peral is considered by many betrayed to be an affair apologiser, a ‘needs not met’ narrative proponent. I can only speak for myself but if I knew that my husband had been listening to her for advice, I’d have shot that down in flames.

You are making excuses as to why you didn’t want to hear the voices on SI and it’s because you are no where near remorseful. Regretful yes but not remorseful. The voices of those who have walked you path are ones you should be listening too, not the platitudes here, but the voices that make you stop, grow and heal as a person.

Remorse is when you stop blaming outside influences on your behaviour (husband, marriage, whatever) and own YOUR choices. Your husband is watching every action you take. You might think he’s closed off but he’s not. He’s internalising all your moves and deciding if you are safe enough to move forward with. And I say this really gently as I do feel you want to do better, he is not liking what he’s seeing.

@IS0D0RA

I did have moments of regret throughout the year, I did have moments where I was filled with self-loathing and hated what I was doing. But I didn’t do anything and I should have. And I have to live with that and the consequences of it.

And your own self reflection seems to consist of

I was in a dream.
I know there were things lacking in our marriage.
I know how that made me feel.
I can see where I went wrong and made completely the wrong decisions.
I’m frustrated because I now want honest discussion and he won’t cooperate.
In order to move on ( the way I think he should and to my timescale ) , my husband needs to confront his feelings.

I think this is twisting what I have said – I’ve tried to explain how I’ve felt at different points. There is much more to it than this – due to other issues/things going on I’ve felt unhappy over a few years. I’ve felt like a failure of a woman and wife and I’ve had quite low self-esteem and self-worth. Does that excuse what I did? Of course not, there aren’t any excuses. This is COMPLETELY on me, I have never blamed my husband for my shitty choices.
I have tried over the past few years to talk openly with my husband about how I’ve been feeling. Every conversation has ended with him getting really upset and not wanting to hear what I’ve said. What I have done is not his faulty – I should have tried harder, I should have insisted on saying those things, not backed off every time I upset him. But I didn’t. I should have, but I didn’t. It isn’t his fault in any way shape or form what happened next. I was very selfish and insular and did something that occasionally made me feel a bit better about myself and my life but also made me feel much worse.
My husband wasn’t inadequate, we weren’t working together and I did something awful and out of pain. And it was completely the wrong thing to do and it was completely my fault.
I’m not trying to insist on openness, honesty and discussion and I don’t have a timescale that I think he should adhere to, but I do genuinely worry that he won’t move in in whatever direction if he doesn’t talk and deal with what has happened to him. I am a very empathic person, I hurt so much from hurting him and I can understand some of what he feels. I want to do whatever I can to help him. But I also recognise that he is not always very proactive in doing things that will help him and he is not a fan of talking. I have to accept and respect that and I’m not trying to force him into anything, I just want him to be able to get over this. Maybe that is unreasonable of me.
Maybe you need to do some work on WHY you thought the solution to your marriage issues was to shag someone else and lie to your DH.

Firstly, I am working on that… I have been working on that… secondly, fuck you for taking such a sanctimonious stance. I have been hard on myself for the past 8 months, longer actually. I hjave hated myself for what I have done. I have also realised that sometimes good people do utterly shitty things and that doesn’t make me a worthless cunt and it doesn’t mean that other peole have the right to be judgmental pricks without knowing all of the facts.

I am happy to take criticism of what I’ve done, I in no way belittle the enormity of what I did and how that has made a person I love feel. I will regret this forever – and that’s all I wanted when I posted, was advice from anyone who had been in a similar position to tell me if they have found a way of dealing with what they’ve done.
Over the past 8 months I have done nothing but think about what my husband may need or want and I’ve done everything that he has asked of me. And I understand if he now says that it’s too much for him. Does that mean I can’t feel heartbroken even though I caused this? Does it mean I can’t wish for or want things to be different? Or that I deserve help to get through this?

I 100% take the blame

It helped me when he moved on. I'm still sad for myself but seeing him happy at least helps because in the beginning when they're miserable and thinking they can't live without you you carry all that guilt.
The reality is that he will move on and probably be very happy.

Seeing him settled with someone much more suited than me who won't cheat on him has given some meaning to what I did.

@Ladybug123 I have referenced issues within my marriage as background, but I have repeatedly said they weren’t to blame for the affair. I chose to do that and I have repeatedly said that I am completely at fault, I completely own the decisions I made.
I have listened to Esther Peral, I’ve read John Gottman, I have tried to read and listen and learn about infidelity and how to move forward if there is a way. I have genuinely wanted to do whatever it takes to help my husband, whether he chooses to be with me again or not.
I think you’re wrong – I am so fucking remorseful – if my husband wanted me to tell AP’s wife to prove how safe a partner I can be, I would fucking hate myself for doing it but I would. It’s been 8 months since the affair ended, 8 months without contact – hopefully the AP feels as awful about his choices that I do. Hopefully he has learnt a lesson and would never go through this heartache again. I hope he turns his attention to his relationship with his wife or realises that it’s not going to work and does the right thing and leaves. I am happy to take on board and listen and learn from anyone who has been though this and if it helps me be a better person (and I think I’ve already started on that journey) that is great, and I did learn things about being completely transparent, about doing whatever I could about how I react to my husband and anything he wants to know or talk about. Telling the AP’s wife is one thing where I don’t believe it will be helpful to my husband or me – and maybe that is completely selfish and short-sighted. I’m not making excuses – I don’t have to make excuses to anyone I talk to on the internet, what I’m doing is saying how I feel. If my husband, or something can say something that makes me think it’s the right thing to do then so be it, I will learn from that, but I genuinely don’t think that will help anything.

Again, I haven’t once blamed anything for my choices, I’ve said there were things that weren’t right just as background, but accept that they were in no way responsible for my choices. Of course they weren't, there were so many things I could have chosen to do instead. I know that, I accept that. I fully accept this shits how is entirely down to me, I just don’t know how to live with that.