How do you get over ruining your marriage?

[ChewbaccaBabe]

I had an affair and was found out. My husband wanted me to leave and I moved out earlier this year. After a few months we started talking and spending time together and he agreed that we could try again.
We agreed to take things slowly and I would stay in my rental property. Over the past two weeks he's become distant and has changed his mind, he says he can't get past what I've done. I do understand that... I think there are things that we could do that would help us as a couple get over it but that's probably easier for me to say.

Has anyone else out there lost the person they loved because of a completely selfish and stupid act.. how do you get over it? Knowing that your actions made you lose (throw away) the person you realise you loved?

I'm not looking for sympathy, I just don't know how to move forward.

@silentpool I think it may be true that it is expecting too much for someone to get over being betrayed. I definitely don't expect too little from me - I know how hard it would be to try and regain his trust and how long it could take, I know it won't be easy or straightforward and I accept that as the operon who deceived it is on me to do everything that I can for as long as is needed.

ChewbaccaBabe, I’m sorry that Isodora’s post hurt you but your messages on here are mixed, and I suspect mixed in your head.

I won’t give details but my husband was in a terrible place as he realised the magnitude of his actions, after his affair and I can only speak for myself when I say I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So I do understand.

He was regretful for a very long time but he couldn’t reach remorse for months because his guilt and shame wouldn’t let him, he now is remorseful. It took him meditating, reading, journaling (in his way), exercising and generally looking after himself for him to reach his conclusions.

Your husband as a betrayed will heal but he has to take the steps to do that and I recognise the frustration you have around him burying his head in the sand. But you now need to work on healing you.

I really feel for you, I can see how much you’re hurting, I hope you find peace.

@Harriedharriet and I have been and am being very very hard on myself. and I accept that I deserve that. I have lost my husband, my best friend and the home we shared.. I am paying the price for what I did and there hasn't been a moment that has gone by since where I haven't thought I was a complete fucking idiot fore treating my husband like that. Thanks!

All due respect OP, and no doubt you are sorry for what you have done and an affair is never a good way for a marriage to end.

But. It sounds like it wasn't really working, and as much as your response to that was not exactly ideal, I can't help thinking that your self-flagellation and desperation to patch things up now have more to do with your desire not to see yourself as a bad person and have negative feelings about yourself than they do with having lost something genuinely good and strong.

From what you have said, the two of you always struggled to address emotional issues jointly and constructively, and that is still true. Your story doesn't really add up. You're simultaneously trying to tell the story of a wonderful marriage that was destroyed because of your selfish actions, and a marriage of two people who were both avoidant of difficult issues in self-destructive ways.

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm an outsider and can only say what I see. But I would get yourself some counselling and be brave enough to ask the question of whether this marriage was going to end anyway, and whether what I need to focus on now is how I could have made it have a better ending instead of cheating. Your husband's feelings and way of coping with his feelings are his own. He's not obliged to deal with things the way you think he should so that he can move on like you think he should. If avoidance stops working for him, he'll find another way, or not.

@putthebinsout I think it's the fear that he won't move on and be happy that scares me so much.

I accept what I did and that I have live with that but he deserves so much better. It hurts that his future won't be with me, but I have no one else to blame - I just want him to be ok. More than ok.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I can see why you think that… from my point of view, my husband has been my best friend and we’ve had a wonderful, happy marriage over the past 21 years. Over the past 4 – 5 years or so, there have been things that haven’t been quite right and our intimacy has suffered and dwindled and it’s made us both unhappy. We’ve tried to address this, but we have struggled over the past couple of years to really talk – partly because we’re both quite sensitive, partly because my husband has gotten upset and partly because I’ve always been quite scared where those conversations would lead. I think in recent years we have avoiding talking about difficult issues, but that hasn’t overwhelmingly been the case.

I have questioned whether we would have ended anyway, and a big thing for me is realising what I could have and should have done to have tried to make things work, or to have been more open about before choosing to cheat. Since I moved out earlier this year I’ve had such a different perspective on our relationship – I spent so much time focused on a couple of things that I didn’t feel or things that my husband didn’t make me feel instead of thinking of all the great things that he did make me feel and the great things we had. And I didn’t stop and think how I was making him feel. I so regret not putting all of the time and effort into working on the things that were not working.

No, I fully accept that I am the bad person, or rather than I am responsible for what I did and that has ended my marriage – I’m not trying to get away from that. I am devastated at what I’ve done, and the realisation of what I’ve thrown away and wasted.

You’re right though, something I sometimes struggle with is respecting other peoples boundaries. My husband isn’t obliged to do things in my way… and I need to stop and continually remind myself of that. If he has found a way of dealing with thigs that works that is all that matters.

If I were you, I think I'd focus on consider that none of us can really trust our feelings, and you can't really trust yours, either back then or now. Back then, you had the affair. Not the best decision. Now, you desperately want to be back with him. Is that the best decision? He is not "so perfect" and your soul mate - he is just a normal person. Your relationship had good and bad like anyone's.

I think many of us have been in the position of a relationship ending (for whatever reason), and suddenly "realising our mistake" and being desperate to be back together. Then when you actually get back together, there is a moment of relief and happiness, but a few hours later that's gone and you are already remembering why things ended in the first place.

@ChewbaccaBabe how much contact do you have with him day to day? Could it be too much? Do you think he might need more space and time to process things on his own without you popping up all the time to remind him of what has happened?

Turning to you - your life must be difficult atm: you probably need to start thinking realistically about how you are going to move forward without him and forget about trying to be the saint over your husband’s welfare. There are plenty of “mistakes” we can make that can be forgiven without too much drama - an affair isn’t going to be dealt with so easily. I would give your husband time and space and use that time to start thinking about what you want to do next - I imagine you will realise you have plenty of problems of your own to work on - what does your future look like? Has your husband started divorce proceedings or said this is what will happen?

@TreeSmuggler I think this is really good advice.. I do sometimes have issues with a consistency of thoughts and feelings and I should spend more time on working on me. I think, I really think I know what I want, but I should take some proper time now. Thank you for the advice.

@larkstar I have tended to let him dictate the level of contact. Over the past 8 months he has tended to message every day, to say morning, night, check in on me and the dog. He has wanted us to remain friends (as do I if that is possible and all we can have together) and we have sent quite a lot of time together, having dinner at each others places etc. His level of contact has really dropped off over the past week and I recognise that that may be best for him so I'm not pushing him, I just respond when he does get in touch.

He hasn't said anything about what he wants to do about the house or if he wants to get divorced. He doesn't want to talk about anything. For now, I am ok to leave this and see if he wants to have a conversation about this, but if time moves on and he doesn't, then I will have to raise this.

I'm currently renting somewhere I can only just afford, so long-term I will need to think about my options. He's currently in our home that is much more affordable and I'm happy for him to stay there.

[quote ChewbaccaBabe]@Harriedharriet and I have been and am being very very hard on myself. and I accept that I deserve that. I have lost my husband, my best friend and the home we shared.. I am paying the price for what I did and there hasn't been a moment that has gone by since where I haven't thought I was a complete fucking idiot fore treating my husband like that. Thanks![/quote]
Look - why are you getting angry with people? Some people are saying "forgive yourself and move on" others are saying "dwell on this, now dwell again, and then move on".
You have lost a home (you can buy another), your husband (you can get another), best friend (you will find another). All very sad indeed I grant you that but all replaceable.
What you have made him loose? You will have gaslighted him - inevitable if you were playing away for a year. You will have caused a complete breakdown in his ability to trust in HIMSELF, to trust in others, and to trust in love.
So stand down from your wailing, and dig deep. You think you are "there" but you are not.
Not by a country mile.

[quote ChewbaccaBabe]@putthebinsout I think it's the fear that he won't move on and be happy that scares me so much.

I accept what I did and that I have live with that but he deserves so much better. It hurts that his future won't be with me, but I have no one else to blame - I just want him to be ok. More than ok.[/quote]
I really do think he will be. I had all these worries. My ex was 50 and I was his 2nd marriage. He believed as managing twice divorced dad he'd never meet anyone and that's I was it for him.

It was far from true and he's very happy now.

An aging twice divorced dad

[quote ChewbaccaBabe]@TreeSmuggler I think this is really good advice.. I do sometimes have issues with a consistency of thoughts and feelings and I should spend more time on working on me. I think, I really think I know what I want, but I should take some proper time now. Thank you for the advice.[/quote]
I'm not saying your feelings are wrong exactly, just that the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. Yes it would be nice to be back together, but it's also not your only chance of happiness gone if you don't.

@dakalo same. I didn't cheat but I was just so immature and drove him away. Haven't managed to find anyone near as good. Nearly 20 years on now

You will have gaslighted him - inevitable if you were playing away for a year. You will have caused a complete breakdown in his ability to trust in HIMSELF, to trust in others, and to trust in love.

This is what I'm struggling with.

OP,
I feel very sorry for you.

However you have disrespected yourhusband and marriage.

I think this is the time show him some respect and accept his decision with regret.

You need to fully own what you did by accepting his choice now to step away.

If you love him, show him that respect graciously and let him heal.

Hopefully you will heal too and move on too, in time.

Did he suspect anything during that year?

If so, did you tell him he was wrong / paranoid to suspect you were cheating etc?

Did he find out himself or did someone else tell him?

I ask that as these are really important things to consider as in his mind he may well have thought he was going mad / being unreasonable and paranoid AND also know your hand was forced when it came to being outed, so for all he knows it could have continued for even longer.

Your OP suggests you were discovered rather than coming clean. Therefore how can your husband now trust you are committed to a future with him?
As regretful as you clearly are, I think a lot of people couldn't get past this and the best way forward is to let him go and continue to seek an understanding of what led you to make the choices you made, and how you can make different ones in the future.

I hope for his sake he ends it all now, for good. He will always have pictures in his head of you doing the deed with your lover. He needs to move on and find someone who is not a liar......you do not deserve anyone nice again.

@ChewbaccaBabe did your DH suspect anything? Did he ever meet AP?

How would you feel about ripping the plaster off and letting him get on with his life?

If you hadn't have got caught would the affair have continued?

@frerecoler yes he did suspect and one point and I was completely awful and lied. The stupid thing is I never met up with the AP again after that but continued to message him.

I have taken lots of comments on board and have realised that I have to let him get on, that what I've done is unforgivable.

@Remmy123 hand on heart I can honestly say no. I realise lots of adulterers say that. The week before I got caught I'd cancelled a meeting with the AP and I'd told him I'd be reducing contact over Christmas. He was pushing for more and I knew that I didn't want it and things had been tetchy between us.

The night I got caught I was due to see the AP the next day and I had messaged him earlier that day and cancelled the meeting. I knew it was ending, it was making me stressed and unhappy and I was struggling to cope. Obviously I hadn't realised things soon enough. Even if I had I had still behaved despicably.

@billy1966 thank you. You're absolutely right.

@youvegottenminuteslynn he did suspect at one point and I reassured him and I truly understand now how fucked up that is/was and how unforgivable what I've done is.

@tinydancer88 you're right.