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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling me I'm wrong

89 replies

Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:24

Hi all. I suffer from a mental health condition that means I don't always see things rationally so can I have some advice please?

I recently blocked a friend of mine that I had known for a few years. We weren't best friends but we were good enough friends if that makes sense. Anyway, I don't want to go into why we fell out but it was my decision to end our friendship.

The issue is that my partner disagrees with my decision. He has accused me of blocking her for no reason and whenever the issue comes up he tells me she did nothing wrong and makes me feel bad for my decision. He knows why I blocked her but he says I'm talking nonsense and it's my MH that's making me see things this way etc.

We've just had a row about it again because I told him I felt like he always took other people's side over me and his response again was that I was talking nonsense, he just tells me I'm wrong every time.

Am I wrong in thinking that he should be supporting me? Ok, he may not agree with my decision and may think I've over reacted but surely if I felt strongly enough to block her, he should understand that and stand by me? At the very least he shouldn't be attacking me for it? Isn't that what partners do?

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 16/08/2021 20:27

I would feel that it was none of his business-it's up to him to manage his own friendships and the same for you.
Do you feel you made the right decision? If so that's the main thing.

purpleme12 · 16/08/2021 20:31

If I thought my partner was treating people badly I think I'd have an opinion on it
But we don't know the circumstances about if he or you is right on this so no idea if this is the case

user97495 · 16/08/2021 20:34

It's impossible to comment on a situation like this without the details. If I think you were in the wrong I'd think YABU and agree with your partner, if my DH cut someone off and I didn't agree I would tell him so, I don't have blind loyalty to him (or anyone) I have opinions, if I disagree with him I will tell him, and vice versa.

Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2021 20:35

Well, he is a dick.

She was your friend and it was your decision. He might not have done the same thing in your position but as is, it was you in the situation and so, your choice to make.

Our of interest, did her behaviour involve similar behaviour to his, eg: creating arguments or drama out of nothing? Or always making you feel in the wrong even though it was ger behaviour that was questionable? Or tearing you down rather than building you up?

Because toxic people who do this, often encourage you to keep similarly toxic people in your life. So that there will be someone else tearing you down.

I dont want to jump to conclusions like 'abuser' about your partner. But just be aware that abusive sorts like to exhaust you by making out you are always the one in the wrong/crazy/overreacting. And they can be drawn to people who are dealing with mental health issues already, because these people may be easier to manipulate into thinking they are the ones with the problem.

Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:37

purpleme12 does that matter? I'll admit, I can be cold when I need to be but I certainly haven't behaved in a terrible way! Shouldn't he support me in my decisions though?
Eviebeans yes i made the right decision and I stand by it. It hurts though that I'm getting attacked for it by the person who's supposed to have my back.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2021 20:37

And I disagree that we can't say his behaviour is not ok. Because he brings up the issue constantly and uses it to beat op down with. Him simply disagreeing once, is fine. What op is describing however, is not that.

purpleme12 · 16/08/2021 20:38

Well I wouldn't want to be with a partner who doesn't treat people nicely. It's part and parcel of who a person is. So I think it does matter

TigerDroveAgain · 16/08/2021 20:40

It’s really none of his business. If he brings it up, I’d not engage: but if you are asking him what he thinks - stop asking!

OverweightPidgeon · 16/08/2021 20:42

Why is he so keen for you to rekindle this friendship ?
If you have behaved irrationally maybe he’s a bit worried that you will alienate others for no good reason.
It’s hard to say without knowing what you ended the friendship over.

Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:42

Pinkbonbon Yes kind of. Basically I was let down and she behaved in a way that made me realise we weren't the friends I thought we were. Loyalty is very important to me, maybe part of my condition, and if I'm friends with someone I will defend them to the death, something I did with her, but i didn't get the same back. Tbh it felt like I wasn't needed anymore so she she switched to someone who was.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 16/08/2021 20:43

Why do you keep talking about it with him?

Surely the whole point of blocking someone is to forget them and move on - i'm just wondering why the need to continue to discuss them?

Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:44

OverweightPidgeon I think its more a way to prove I act in the wrong way rather than the friendship.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2021 20:44

Since you don't share what happened, you're asking if a partner should always support you unconditionally. Without challenge.

My answer to that is no.

Lolabray · 16/08/2021 20:45

To be honest if you want to press the BLOCK button because your friend has crossed a line and disrespected you then that is your decision and yes I feel he should be supporting you esp as he is aware of the MH condition and also as your partner.

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 20:48

I don't think anyone should support someone unconditionally.

Is he bringing it up out of the blue? What's the context?

Treacletoots · 16/08/2021 20:49

I think @Pinkbonbon has nailed it. My mother used to love my ExH because he treated me like shit and put me down like he did. When I finally left him, she messaged me telling me to take him back, Angry

I think abusive people seek out other abusers to keep their victim under the thumb. Makes complete sense.

Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2021 20:49

At the very least, she did not want the same from the friendship that you did. That is reason enough to walk away. Not sure why he feels the need to create an argument around it. Unless maybe he feels that you blocking her was a bit much. But even then, it was your choice to make ablnd I dint understand why he feels the need to bring it up over and over.

If you genuinely think it is to tell you that your behaviour is not ok (in a spiteful way, as opposed to just talking to try help you) ...then the relationship is not one you should continue. Contempt has no place in a relationship.

Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:50

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe TigerDroveAgain
It comes up because he has contact with her.
And for me it's still an issue because he attacks me for it still. Even if we didn't talk about it I'd still know how he felt.
I just wanted to know what others thought, is a partner supposed to support you even if they don't agree with you basically?

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:56

MrsTerryPratchett thank you, my condition is affecting this I think!

Hekatestorch no not out of the blue, during conversations about my MH or during a row. It's starting to feel like his 'get out of jail free card'

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2021 20:56

He should be Switzerland. 'I'm sorry you and my partner fell out. But I'd rather not get involved. I love my partner. And even if I disagree with her choices, they are her choices to make'.

Why is he in contact though? Longterm/Childhood friend? Sister? Colleague? Classmate? Teammate?

Because if she is just some random he barely knows like a fb friend or some shit, I'd probably expect him to back off from her too. Not saying guys cant have girl friends but...I wouldn't be willing to be piggy in the middle between two womens argument unless I really, really cared for them both.

Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:58

Pinkbonbon colleague

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2021 21:00

@Moomoot5

Pinkbonbon colleague
Ah yeah I guess that makes sense. Maybe she berates him about things?

Still though if thats the case he needs to be giving it 'I'm not interested in getting involved' to her. And support your right to make the decisions you feel are right for you.

Babyghirl · 16/08/2021 21:01

@Moomoot5
It's your decision not his, everyone has an opinion but its only your opinion that matters here as it was your friendship and not his. Tell him thanks for your input but it is what it is and you won't be talking about it again.

ParityJ · 16/08/2021 21:01

His reaction should be,
"Are you sure you've done the right thing? You are? Then I will support you and tell my.colleague I have nothing to do with it."

Original poster
Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 21:05

Pinkbonbon no she wouldn't berate him, more likely she gets 'upset' which makes me the bad person.

OP posts: