Telling me I'm wrong

[Moomoot5]

Hi all. I suffer from a mental health condition that means I don't always see things rationally so can I have some advice please?

I recently blocked a friend of mine that I had known for a few years. We weren't best friends but we were good enough friends if that makes sense. Anyway, I don't want to go into why we fell out but it was my decision to end our friendship.

The issue is that my partner disagrees with my decision. He has accused me of blocking her for no reason and whenever the issue comes up he tells me she did nothing wrong and makes me feel bad for my decision. He knows why I blocked her but he says I'm talking nonsense and it's my MH that's making me see things this way etc.

We've just had a row about it again because I told him I felt like he always took other people's side over me and his response again was that I was talking nonsense, he just tells me I'm wrong every time.

Am I wrong in thinking that he should be supporting me? Ok, he may not agree with my decision and may think I've over reacted but surely if I felt strongly enough to block her, he should understand that and stand by me? At the very least he shouldn't be attacking me for it? Isn't that what partners do?

Babyghirl
ParityJ
That actually made me teary 😢 that's exactly what I want.

I'm not sure this is actually about the friendship as much as point scoring.

If he's saying, 'see your BPD makes you irrational' that's not about the friendship. That's about your relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett thank you, that's what I am worried about.

Where did the BPD come from?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Since you don't share what happened, you're asking if a partner should always support you unconditionally. Without challenge.

My answer to that is no.

Same here. I'm grateful that sometimes my late DH would point out when I had things wrong or was being unreasonable. Likewise I'd sometimes question his actions too. We loved each other and respected each other, but neither of us was perfect and we both, like everyone, sometimes got things out of perspective.

He made me a better version of myself, and people said that I was good for him, too.

If you have mental health problems, it is possible that your perspective might not always be as balanced as it might be. So providing he doesn't say these things in an angry or abusive way, I'd listen at least. But the decision is yours in the end.

saraclara thank you, yes my MH is why I question my reaction to everything.

And I feel his opinion is sometimes over the top. Here's a latest text...

"""She did fuck all to you. She doesn’t know how to handle your MH. I don’t know even.""""

I see that as a bit aggressive but maybe not. I'm not bloody good at this 😕

Honestly, I don't feel like people on here can know enough to comment on this situation.
From that text message it sounds like it's not just about this friend situation and it's about a lot more than that. But I don't think anyone here would be able to say who's in the right

purpleme12 thank you

Its really difficult.

I have mental health issues, though haven't had a crisis for some years.

Dp does have depression and anxiety. One of the tip offs that he is spiralling is him cutting people off for small incidents.

I admit, in our early years I kept trying to make him see how small the incident was and his reaction was disproportionate.

Now, that's the point i insist he seeks help. He reacts better to 'I am worried about you, please seek some further help' than 'you are cutting people off for no reason can't you see that means you need help'. He also accepts that, from the outside I am better judge or where he is at, but that's because he trusts me, even when he isn't well.

I do also make it clear that I am staying out of it and not cutting these people off too. I have remained friends with all of them. Thankfully most understand, that him cutting them off isn't personal.

All I am saying is, that he could be a dick. Or, as he says, he doesn't know how to handle it from his side. He might be obsessing over this incident, because he thinks it's an example of you not seeing things clearly. I mean in his opinion you are not seeing things clearly. I have no idea if you are or not.

@Moomoot5

saraclara thank you, yes my MH is why I question my reaction to everything.

And I feel his opinion is sometimes over the top. Here's a latest text...

"""She did fuck all to you. She doesn’t know how to handle your MH. I don’t know even.""""

I see that as a bit aggressive but maybe not. I'm not bloody good at this 😕

A bit passive aggressive? I'd be telli g him to get his tooth rush and ease.never return. That's going beyond listening to your ex friend, that's downright being more supportive to them than he's being to you, not a good thing for partner to do.

@Moomoot5

saraclara thank you, yes my MH is why I question my reaction to everything.

And I feel his opinion is sometimes over the top. Here's a latest text...

"""She did fuck all to you. She doesn’t know how to handle your MH. I don’t know even.""""

I see that as a bit aggressive but maybe not. I'm not bloody good at this 😕

He sounds more frustrated than anything. It can be really hard to deal with someone else's mental health issues, no matter how much you love them. And if he ends up picking up the pieces when mutual friends and acquaintances are involved, it must get tricky.

But then I've never ever completely blocked a friend, even when I've had differences with them. I just withdraw quietly, contact them less, respond to them less. Anything else just seems petulant and inflammatory. He's obviously been having to put out the flames on this one, and it's getting to him.

Now I'm more confused than ever I just want to cry. And I'm starting to think I'm better on my own, then I can't upset anyone.

@Moomoot5
He should be standing by you and not going against you, at the end of the day you done what you had to weather he agrees or not he should have your back and stand by your decision, so just say that's your opinion but I'm standing by my opinion. Don't let no one tell you you where wrong for making your own decision 💚

@Moomoot5

MrsTerryPratchett thank you, that's what I am worried about.

Where did the BPD come from?

It was just an example.

Could have been 'your anxiety makes you touchy' or 'your depression makes you sensitive' or whatever.

He's using your actions and your MH diagnosis to have a pop. Not cool.

Yes it was also frustration I picked up on too same as @saraclara
However I don't feel in a position to judge whether the frustration is justified from his side or not

MrsTerryPratchett you were actually spot on, I guess I'm textbook

@Moomoot5

MrsTerryPratchett you were actually spot on, I guess I'm textbook

LOL

I'm clearly Mystic Meg!

As you refuse to say what your friend did or said that upset you and provoked blocking them, how can anyone say whether your actions and therefore your partners reaction, was reasonable. Who knows.

However you appear to be saying 'back me whether I'm right or wrong' to your DP.

This sentence is wrong on so many levels and not acceptable in an equal relationship.

It's a statement that an abusive controlling person would use to their partner.

If you say what the actual issue was it's easier to judge who was in the wrong. Saying back me whether I'm right or wrong, is always wrong.

Elsewhere on MN is an OP about a mother with MH issues who is awful to her DD and DGCs and FIL just stands by and lets it happen.

So no, people shouldn't automatically have their partner's back, whatever they do or say.

@Disneycharacter

As you refuse to say what your friend did or said that upset you and provoked blocking them, how can anyone say whether your actions and therefore your partners reaction, was reasonable. Who knows.

However you appear to be saying 'back me whether I'm right or wrong' to your DP.

This sentence is wrong on so many levels and not acceptable in an equal relationship.

It's a statement that an abusive controlling person would use to their partner.

If you say what the actual issue was it's easier to judge who was in the wrong. Saying back me whether I'm right or wrong, is always wrong.

Op is saying she's made a decision as an adult. He doesn't have to blindly agree and say she did the right thing if he doesn't think she did. What he should do is not take someone else's side and keep telling OP she is wrong. You can support someone and love someone and disagree with their decisions. You ask if they're sure that's what they want, if they are sure, just say ok and that's that. No I told you so, no calling them wrong or bringing it up constantly and absolutely no chatting to the other party and taking their side of it over your partner's.

Thank you ParityJ

Thank you everyone for helping out, I appreciate it

Without knowing what happened with the friend we can’t judge. But generally no I don’t agree a partner should unconditionally support you even when they disagree. They’re still an autonomous human with their own opinions. I’ve also got BPD but it’s well managed and medicated and honestly I cringe at the way I acted in the past to people before I was having treatment.

he could be a dick. Or, as he says, he doesn't know how to handle it from his side. He might be obsessing over this incident, because he thinks it's an example of you not seeing things clearly. I mean in his opinion you are not seeing things clearly. I have no idea if you are or not

This pretty much sums my reaction to your dilemma, @Moomoot5. Are you in therapy for your MH issues? It might be a good idea to talk this over with a counsellor.

"""She did fuck all to you. She doesn’t know how to handle your MH. I don’t know even.""""

These words sound quite blaming if you ask me.

I've cut people out of my life before now. I have, and expect, high standards of myself and my friends and if I feel let down I simply can't be bothered with that person anymore. My DH may not always agree with me but he's quite naturally, in my opinion, not so invested in my friendships that he feels the need to wade in and start telling me I'm wrong. Unless she's his friend too, what's it got to do with him?

@Cam001

I've cut people out of my life before now. I have, and expect, high standards of myself and my friends and if I feel let down I simply can't be bothered with that person anymore. My DH may not always agree with me but he's quite naturally, in my opinion, not so invested in my friendships that he feels the need to wade in and start telling me I'm wrong. Unless she's his friend too, what's it got to do with him?

She IS his friend and colleague. That's the whole problem. He's having to deal with the fall out from what appears to be an over-reaction on OP's part.