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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Telling me I'm wrong

89 replies

Moomoot5 · 16/08/2021 20:24

Hi all. I suffer from a mental health condition that means I don't always see things rationally so can I have some advice please?

I recently blocked a friend of mine that I had known for a few years. We weren't best friends but we were good enough friends if that makes sense. Anyway, I don't want to go into why we fell out but it was my decision to end our friendship.

The issue is that my partner disagrees with my decision. He has accused me of blocking her for no reason and whenever the issue comes up he tells me she did nothing wrong and makes me feel bad for my decision. He knows why I blocked her but he says I'm talking nonsense and it's my MH that's making me see things this way etc.

We've just had a row about it again because I told him I felt like he always took other people's side over me and his response again was that I was talking nonsense, he just tells me I'm wrong every time.

Am I wrong in thinking that he should be supporting me? Ok, he may not agree with my decision and may think I've over reacted but surely if I felt strongly enough to block her, he should understand that and stand by me? At the very least he shouldn't be attacking me for it? Isn't that what partners do?

OP posts:
Moomoot5 · 17/08/2021 11:43

lottiegarbanzo thank you, I see a lot of myself there. I need to step back more before reacting.
chocolateorangeinhaler exactly right.

OP posts:
Balonzette · 17/08/2021 11:52

While it's none of his business, I don't think he needs to obediently support your every decision. He should be able to voice his opinion, and if you MH condition can sometimes cloud your judgement, I think it's probably for the best that he's honest with you, just in case you judgement was clouded in this instance. He shouldn't bang on about it if you're certain, though.

pinkcircustop · 17/08/2021 11:56

It’s okay for him to have a different opinion to you; he doesn’t have to just agree with you and just being your partner doesn’t mean he has to support you no matter what.

It sounds like your MH is confusing the issue here. I get the impression that a lot of it is in your head, particularly when you’re going on about her not finding you useful anymore so dropping you.

I think what actually happened is going to be more along the lines of little contact for a while for whatever reason and you taking it the wrong way and blocking her 🤷‍♀️

lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2021 12:31

Ok. The other thing my friend did a lot (I'd say she's quite a dramatic personality, for good or bad, anyway), was get into moods and strops with people, without ever saying what it was about. To her, there was always some obvious reason and they had clearly wronged her. To them, and everyone lese around, it was an utter mystery and just 'so and so being her attention-seeking, drama llama self again'.

In most instances that I knew about, if she'd bothered talking to the person, that is asking questions and listening to the answers, she'd have discovered that the background to what had happened wasn't what she assumed it to be at all. There was either a good reason (that she didn't know about) for what they'd done, or they'd just been casually thoughtless, no malice intended and would probably have apologised and moved on, had it been brought to their attention.

She never sought to discuss, understand or resolve anything. Never asked questions in an effort to understand what had happened. Was largely incapable of calm, reasonable discussion on any topic that involved strong feelings (though actually well-informed and interesting on all sorts of topics). My view of that was that she couldn't bear to open herself up to the possibility of being disagreed with, of not being seen to be right. (The result being of course, that nobody thought she was right, or took her seriously, about anything, ever. She was like the boy who cried wolf).Though actually, now, I suspect she just felt a thing, took that as a fact, so in her head she was right. Other people's evidence, lives, experience and feelings were irrelevant. An incredibly arrogant point of view (in normal social terms).

Whenever someone else said something, casually in conversation, that disagreed with her very fixed view of the world, she looked so shocked. It just didn't seem to occur to her that there were different points of view, or different subjective experiences of the same thing.

My view, which might seem contrary, was that she needed to learn assertiveness. That is, how to express herself clearly and calmly, listen to a response, conclude the interaction politely and productively. She just went form 0-60, disinterested to full on tantrum, with nothing in between.

Anyway, that's a lot about one person, who will be different from you. It does offer one outsider's perspective on that person's behaviour, if of any use.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2021 13:12

Oh (and yes, I will shut up soon, you've struck a rich seam of personal memory here!) back to loyalty. My friend did seem to think that friends owed her unswerving loyalty and mental attention. Even when she'd made no contact with them for months or years. It was as if, once she'd deemed you a friend, you could never leave that role, however little your lives overlapped.

Lots of lovely friendships do work like that. People can pick up after not seeing each other for years and continue to enjoy each other's company, as and when. With her it wasn't so much about enjoying each other's company though. It was as if she somehow owned them and they owed her a duty of friendship. Very parent / child or other family-based model.

But also, to my mind, odd in a rather disturbing way; like those men who view their girlfriend as their possession and cannot compute that she's left them, or got together with someone else, because they don't understand that women are people, with free will. Obviously my friend is/was not a controlling, possessive, violent man. But there was a possessive 'never let me go' (unless I choose it, then you're gone in an instant) element there.

saraclara · 17/08/2021 13:46

Great posts @lottiegarbanzo

I was about to post similar experiences with a dear friend with mental health challenges, but I think you've covered it.

What I will say though, is that supporting him is sometimes absolutely exhausting, and at times isn't good for my own mental health. And at those times I have to pull back for a while. Not block him or dump him or ignore him. Just not be as available for a week or two. Fortunately (though I suspect he worries about it) he doesn't see it as a selfish failure on my part and punish me for it. But I imagine that others (and I hate to say it, but I suspect women are more likely to demand that level of loyalty?) would do.

After I've had a quieter week or so to regroup, we take over where we left and all is good. But if I couldn't take those quiet breaks, I suspect I'd have had to walk away permanently by now.

CrazyNeighbour · 17/08/2021 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moomoot5 · 17/08/2021 18:18

Thanks everyone. I think the consensus is that I've got this completely wrong. Again. It's so bloody hard when I believe something 100% and it turns out to be completely wrong. How can someone's mind be so unreliable, it's very scary.

Thank you all. X

OP posts:
Urghhhhh · 17/08/2021 18:26

OP, i read your post and immediately thought "that sounds like a person with borderline might say". I think your boyfriend is on to something. And no, i dont believe in all that unconditional support bullshit. I call my partner out when he's out of line and i expect him to do the same.

ThirdThoughts · 17/08/2021 19:22

I think being able to talk to a counsellor to work through this stuff could be really helpful.

Just because you have BPD doesn't mean you won't be able to make decisions about which relationships you want to maintain or let go. It's your life after all!

But it does probably mean trying to find other ways of processing these decisions, finding more information and not jumping with the intense emotions of the "with me or against me" false dichotomy.

You'll get there xx

Addicted2LoveIsland · 17/08/2021 19:30

Your friendship your decision. Of course if you ask for his opinion he should give an honest one, but he shouldn't be constantly repeating it. Do you bring it up or does he? If he does just tell him you don't want to speak on it and you have made your decision.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/08/2021 19:31

I don’t think you’ve got anything wrong OP.

He sounds aggressive, deliberately contrary, unsupportive and I wonder if he is emotionally attached to the ex-friend.

Don’t be forced to doubt yourself.

Bawse · 17/08/2021 19:59

@Moomoot5

Thanks everyone. I think the consensus is that I've got this completely wrong. Again. It's so bloody hard when I believe something 100% and it turns out to be completely wrong. How can someone's mind be so unreliable, it's very scary.

Thank you all. X

Not an uncommon experience though OP – that’s why AIBU exists! (And ‘AITA?’ on Reddit).
lottiegarbanzo · 17/08/2021 20:07

We really can't know about the particular case. Even if you have misjudged something, that doesn't mean he's judged it right or behaved in the best possible way. All so complicated!

I think there's a world of difference between him criticising you to her, or seeming to agree with her criticism of you (by not disagreeing, or failing to tell her it's not appropriate to share her critical thoughts with him), and on the other hand, him remaining civil with her while privately disagreeing with you.

You do need to have that conversation with him, find out what he's actually saying and tell him how that makes you feel.

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