TIME ALONE 😔 HELP PLEASE

[Newmum333]

Lately I have been finding myself in a very low and trapped place, my LO is a few months old now and ever since he has been born my husband has on many occasions, went out with friends, goes to play his cricket matches on weekends, get away from me and LO whenever I visit my parents home in the week. He works from home and when he finishes work he heads of to the gym!

I on the other hand have never been without my LO, I cannot always rely on others to look after him while I pop into town and if others do agree it has to be something important such as a doctors appointment! What I really need is just a few hours a week to go out with friends, or go and play badminton which I enjoyed before pregnancy. My husband always helps out with LO as long as I am there, he doesn't understand that I also require some time alone without him and with LO just for my own sanity, I mean I cannot go and dine in a fine restaurant with friends with him crying in the pram, nor can I take him with me if wanted to get back into badminton!!!! He just feels its a mothers responsibility to have the LO with her all the time!

I've communicated this with him many times and the only answer I get is "I work and pay the bills you don't", although that has nothing to do with me having some alone time!!!!!

Today I spoke to him again and his answer was "if you plan something and give me good notice I will look after the little one", I just know him too well, because I tried that last time and he made all sorts of excuses and it didn't happen!

He is very good at changing nappies etc. It's not an anxiety thing! I'm just very fed up with this double standard behaviour, and non understanding attitude, I want to know if anyone else has been or going through this and what to do

Wow this sounds like my ex husband, he was the same and ran off to the gym leaving me to deal with the kids alone and I was literally alone as didn’t live near family. He shouldn’t be making you feel like that and about the paying the bills bit yes I got that too then I got out and now I have my own house car and full time job so he can stick that chauvinistic attitude elsewhere lol

He doesn’t ‘help out with little one’ ..
he takes care of his child, which he should do freely 50% of the time.

Your husband is a selfish chauvinist pig. I would stop asking and start telling. You are an equal partner in your relationship, he doesn’t get to dictate terms.

You are an adult in need of time to yourself, intellectual stimulation and joy outside your home. He gets to work for XX hours, click off and then have leisure time. When do you get to clock off? When is your leisure time? It should be fairly equal.

"I work and pay the bills you don't" is genuinely shockingly disgusting. Does he do housework? I’m guessing not. So, you’re doing all of the housework, childcare and emotional labour, but somehow that’s not worthy of respect? Please stop tolerating this nonsense, it’ll take its toll.

@FTEngineerM Exactly this. ‘Helping out’ and ‘babysitting’ and the million and one other turns of phrase that frame male participation in the domestic sphere as a favour they’re doing for their partner, as opposed to simply pulling their weight and doing (generally much less than) their share. So deeply annoying. Please see also ‘hands on father’. Grrr.

This sounds like my ex husband. But since divorce he really has stepped up....a little too late.

Yes he very much can be a chauvinist, because when he goes out with friends or leisure time, we do not sit and plan weeks in advance for that, he will just presume that I will be okay to be left with our son. Whereas for me, he requires at least a 2 week notice to then only make excuses that he has no time, I just find it so unfair. Before having a child I too had a practical social life. I'm also not asking for much time, I've only asked for a few hours a week on the day it suits him.

I just find it so inconsiderate that he cannot understand this, he also accused me of not loving my own child because I want space from him for my own sanity, yet he goes out whenever he fancies.

Unbelievable! Super chauvanistic, does he pay you a wage for the job you do?

Yep unfortunately I am left all day to do all the housework too, including taking care of other errands outside. I've not asked for much except that I should also be given the support if I wanted to plan something away from him and our son.

But he is so uncomfortable with the whole idea, he feels if he breaks the ice and does this once for me he may have to do it all the time, yet when he goes out he won't even ask me if I'm okay with it, even if he knows I'm not he will still leave.

Everytime I've discussed this with him I get the most ignorant responses!!!!! Such as "don't you love your own son, why do you require space from him", "you are his mother", "I work and pay the bills" , "why don't you ask your parents to look after him"!

It's getting to the point now I've started to feel depressed with my life, I wake up every single day to the same day, same cycle, I have no ME time, no ALONE time, no activities or social life going on. I think I deserve that much

He gives me an allowance since at the moment both of us can't work, I used to work before I got pregnant and at the start of my pregnancy, currently I'm on maternity allowance still as I was self employed. Regardless of what money he gives me or what bills he pays for I still need my ME time, even its for a few hours a week. But that's something he cannot seem to do for me.

Is there someone in your or his side of the family who could intervene and talk some sense into your husband? You sound very reasonable and your husband sounds controlling. It’s as if he doesn’t want you to have a life beyond being a mother which is very unhealthy and can put you in a dark place.

His family all live abroad, he has a sister in another city who is not close to at all! Besides speaking to his family is useless because they all hold the same views as him, speaking to my side of the family won't work as it aggregates him so much if any of my family members get involved in our marriage!

He sits and gives me examples of his mother, how she would never go out and was more than happy to sit and home loving her children unconditionally, it was refreshing for her just to do things for her children, she didn't require anything else because of how they would just enlighten her entire day! Which to me sounds like utter nonsense, she was probably in a position where she could not speak out about it and accepted it the way it was!

He always tries to make me feel guilty by using terms like " do you not love your son, why do you need any space from him"! When I throw that back in his face, he brings his work life and paying bills into it.

It got so heated up today, that I actually threatened to separate from him, I even said to him that this potentially could lead to a divorce if you continue with this attitude. But his response to it was nothing, he is so afraid of just being okay with the fact I want to leave our son with him and go out for a few hours, something deeply bothers him about me going out and not worrying about things.

A divorce is not something I want things to come down to and I know divorce is something he is also so afraid of! My sisters husband was exactly the same with their LO, she got divorced 6 years into her marriage, he ex took custody for 3 days, she now works 5 days a week, for those 3 days she has her own space, her own life, she goes out with friends after work!

I even gave him an example of how my sister is a single mother and now has a very social life and i wouldn't want to go to that extent just to get some of my life back!

He sounds very selfish and controlling OP. Saying you dont love your child because you want to go out? Does he not love your baby then?! Whst a ridiculous fucking comment to make.

I bet he doesn't want your family involved- probably won't want them to know what a shit he is.

You really need to put your foot down, hard and loudly. You don't need to ask or reason, just bloody get him told.

If he doesn't cooperate then I would kick his sorry arse out.

I’m sorry you have to go through this at the moment, and I haven’t ever said this to anyone before, but I 100% think that is the absolute worst kind of person and you should just leave.

He’s emotionally manipulating you into being the 24/7 carer for a child you made together.

He puts more worth on golf/friends than ensuring the person who is responsible for his child’s care 24/7 has a bit of rest and recovering time, for their mental and physical well-being.

That’s scary.

If you were to split the bills 50/50 what would the cost be, financially, to you?

If you were to put DC in nursery, 24/7, what would the cost be financially to you both?

Add it up.

I can guarantee you without even knowing your finances that paid for 24/7 care like a nanny or similar would be infinitely more expensive.

He’s getting to live a bachelor life where he does whatever he wants and his wife’s life withers away along with her mental health.. to what.. nothing?

Being ‘newmum333’ is multifaceted, you’re not just mum.

You’re ‘newmum333’ that goes to yoga on a Monday morning, you’re ‘newmum333’ that enjoys cross fit classes, you’re ‘newmum333’ that does monthly bottomless prosecco brunches with your friends, you’re ‘newmum333’ that goes to pick a new outfit on a Sunday morning alone.. etc

You haven’t suddenly become a slave because you’re a mum.

Don’t have any more DC with this man unless YOU want to.
Look for friendship & support outside the home, baby groups, toddler groups etc. and build your own routine with friends and extended family.

Your DH is a pig.

‘Selfish pig’

I work and pay the bills you don't

And that tells you everything you need to know.
He thinks if you as the mother to his child, cook, cleaner, maid and whore I’m guessing. Tell him you want a divorce, because at least that way you’d only have you beautiful baby to take care of and you could potentially have a child free weekend every other weekend.

He does not see you as his equal. He should.

And that tells you everything you need to know.
He thinks if you as the mother to his child, cook, cleaner, maid and whore I’m guessing.

Wow. Who hurt you?

I just find it so inconsiderate that he cannot understand this, he also accused me of not loving my own child

He CAN understand, he just wants you at home 100% of the time. Everytime he accuses you of not loving your child is an attempt to manipulate you. Don't let his manipulation work.

He seems to be unwilling to move on this and it doesn't bode well for the future. This is how control starts, reducing your liberty due to childcare and then once your life is smaller and your confidence disappears he has full control.

Start small. Tell him to look after LO while you're at Tesco. Then ramp up slowly. Before you/he knows it, you'll be off playing badminton with friends after his work has done for the day!

Or, pay for childcare and do what you like!

Does he love his son? Surely he would want to spend some time with him? He’s a selfish arse. Pick a time when you know he has no plans and hand him baby and walk out the door. Tell him you’re going to the shops for a wander about and a cuppa and you’ll be back later. Don’t let him manipulate you. Otherwise yes, divorce him. Then he’ll have to look after his own child if he ever wants to see him.

Well done for posting. You know this is v wrong.

Don’t waste any more words with him now. Take actions.
Speak to your sister get her advice.

Take great care of your MH right now because his neglect and dismissal of you could tip you into PND. Don’t look to him to support you - he is deliberately sabotaging you.

I wouldn’t give him a battle - I would walk away now before he wrecks your MH and your experience of motherhood. His views are so deeply entrenched if he quotes his family background all the time.

Just tell him you are not compatible - you both need a different type of partner.

This is a v common pattern of abuse where once a woman is married, pregnant or given birth the male devalues and dominates her.

I am so sad that your DH is not sharing in the joy of your baby but has instead taken the opportunity to put his feet up (on you). This will takes it’s emotional and physical toll on you. Don’t let that happen.

Wow, what a pig of a man!! "I work and pay the bills you don't" Would have me absolutely so deeply insulted and offended that I'd want to throw something at him, possibly his dinner plate!

How can you spend 5 minutes with this fucking pig from the 1940s! I feel so fucking angry for you on your behalf! Wtf an absolute fucking arsehole he is! You should say "I carried your son for 9 months, I gave birth to him, I do all the housework. My work is unpaid work but equal to yours and I deserve equal respect and consideration. Marriage and parenthood is supposed to be 50-50. You're a father, why don't you want to spend time with your own son? Now, either you stop being such a misogynistic selfish pig and start pulling your weight, and start being an active father instead of neglecting your child, or I'll serve you with divorce papers. You better change your attitude quick smart or I'll be out the door." Say that, firmly and as if you mean it!

I swear, if if he doesn't do a 180 on a dime overnight, and LTB and not look back!!! If you're by yourself not only would there be no change anyway as you're basically a single mum (and do tell him that!) but you'd have LESS housework and cooking to do. Don't put up with this creep absolving himself of all his responsibilities as a father (and caring equal spouse) while running you into the ground and in despair because he thinks parenthood is your job and your lot, and you must live the 1940s housewife existence with no life. Honestly I feel like slapping his just reading what he said to you! How dare he!! Don't put up with it! Know your worth and demand it in an EQUAL partnership. Don't be afraid to ring lawyers in front of him either. ;)

He understands perfectly well that you need a break. He just won’t give it to you because he’s a selfish misogynistic pig. Honestly he won’t change, leave the bastard.

OP, I actually gasped when I read what he said to you. I truly actually gasped out loud.