TIME ALONE 😔 HELP PLEASE

[Newmum333]

Lately I have been finding myself in a very low and trapped place, my LO is a few months old now and ever since he has been born my husband has on many occasions, went out with friends, goes to play his cricket matches on weekends, get away from me and LO whenever I visit my parents home in the week. He works from home and when he finishes work he heads of to the gym!

I on the other hand have never been without my LO, I cannot always rely on others to look after him while I pop into town and if others do agree it has to be something important such as a doctors appointment! What I really need is just a few hours a week to go out with friends, or go and play badminton which I enjoyed before pregnancy. My husband always helps out with LO as long as I am there, he doesn't understand that I also require some time alone without him and with LO just for my own sanity, I mean I cannot go and dine in a fine restaurant with friends with him crying in the pram, nor can I take him with me if wanted to get back into badminton!!!! He just feels its a mothers responsibility to have the LO with her all the time!

I've communicated this with him many times and the only answer I get is "I work and pay the bills you don't", although that has nothing to do with me having some alone time!!!!!

Today I spoke to him again and his answer was "if you plan something and give me good notice I will look after the little one", I just know him too well, because I tried that last time and he made all sorts of excuses and it didn't happen!

He is very good at changing nappies etc. It's not an anxiety thing! I'm just very fed up with this double standard behaviour, and non understanding attitude, I want to know if anyone else has been or going through this and what to do

You say his family live abroad. Can I ask if there are different cultural expectations because of his background?
It might not be the case, but if there are it will make a difference to how you handle this.

This is awful. He should be ashamed of himself

Sounds like you've tried everything. He's such a misogynist pig. They don't change. Leave him ASAP.

DH would give me a lie in every Sunday and spend one on one time with Ds. Mainly because he is his Dad and he really loved doing it.

You need to just leave the house without your child, you had to learn to look after a baby, he now can learn too.

It doesn't matter what his Mother did or didn't do. It is completely normal to want a break from your child, he clearly gets one every day. Stop asking and start telling. Say right I am off out for an hour and leave the house.

DH actually did loads of one on one time during the week too, just wanted to point out the lie in every week.

That’s a huge leap he needs to take to get to reasonable partner who shares the load.

I doubt he will get there, I’m afraid.

I episode be making plans to go back to work, with an eye on how things would look if you were to divorce.

*I would be

How can he say that to you about you not loving your son when you need some alone time like everyone else??? He knows exactly what you are going through and decides not to do anything about it actively. Despicable behaviour.

Yes, his family are from Pakistan, however saying that, he himself has lived away from Pakistan for the last 12 years, he is an audit manager, before we married he would go on about how "OPEN minded" he is, how he wouldn't allow his wife just to take on all the responsibilities alone and how even after kids she can have her own life too!

Sometimes I think back to his words and it makes me cry, for the last few days it's been nothing but arguments! Yesterday (sunday), we agreed would be a family day, without my knowledge he planned a full day at cricket with friends and took off around 12pm, he told me he would be back for 6pm and walks in the door at 8pm!
I spent all day alone, not wanting to leave the house as I felt too depressed, I called my sister over who I spoke to, she told me how her husband was exactly the same and that's why they are no longer together!

Hes actually afraid of me talking to my sister too much because he feels I can someday end up in her position which to me right now is very much attractive! She is getting all her social time she needs being a single mum.

Because he works full time, he thinks he is entitled to everything, my cooked food, his clothes washed and ironed, looking after LO all day!

Last week I left LO with him and popped into town, not so much for enjoyment but to upgrade my phone contract, literally after an hour he called me serval times to tell me LO has been crying! Although I have witnessed him many times settling our son very well, feeding him and changing his nappies!!!! He just couldn't accept the fact I had left LO with him and gone out for couple of hours!

This is actually me second marriage, I went through a horrible divorce 8 years ago (no children involved), and I always told myself the next person I meet and settle down with will be for life!

I have a lot of family pressure and pressure from the community to make my marriage work this time, divorce is the last thing I want.

My husband knows before I married him and got pregnant, I had a really practical life, I am a photographer and I had another job along with it too. I played badminton regularly and met friends on weekend, I travelled a lot too. All these things were promised to me by him before we married! Now I find myself in a place alone and miserable, a full time house wife and mum, no life of my own, watching him enjoy all his activities regularly.

I told him yesterday when he got back from cricket that I have started to hate him, again he bought "no love for my own child into it", he told me WOMEN love to be mothers and I'm the opposite, thsee backward comments make me hate him even more these days.

But im going to take the advice now and start getting out more, leaving LO with him as soon as he finishes work, maybe turn off my phone! I'm having to go down a road of spite that I don't want to do. It shouldn't have been like this.

I thought it was somewhere like Pakistan. 12 years is absolutely nothing. Not even after 40 years do they change. He deliberately deceived you; he was a pied piper, he fed you lies to trap you, all the while hiding his real self that only came out once he had you trapped and a mother. Whatever you do, never let him to take you son to Pakistan for a visit. Never! You'll never get your son back. And no court in Pakistan will help a mother.

The more you post, the more I think you should file for divorce. He will NEVER change, I'm sure you know that. This, is the real him. What you knew before pregnancy was all lies. His beliefs are so deeply embedded that he will never change. If you look like going through with a divorce, he will suddenly appear to change, to keep you, and be ok for a little while, then revert back to how he is now. He will never, ever, ever change. He deceived you into marriage, and you are both completely incompatible. File now, and get your life back. Also as I said, make sure he never leaves the country with your son when he has visitation.

Go back to work and put your little one in nursery. It would give you some semblance of a life. Interaction with other adults too.

Your husband couldn't care less, you're heading for depression and still talking about this same scenario in 5 years time as it stands. What's the point, really...

You work too. You just don't work outside the home.

Childcare costs money, cleaning is paid work, cooking is paid work , laundry is paid work.

If hevthinks he xan get someone to do those things for free, ask him to find it. It doesn't exist.

Him paying the costs he pays in the home would not cover the cost of thar work.

You are also missing put on wages you could earn while you do childcare, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc.

He is a chauvinist and unreasonable and extremely selfish.

Since he'll not acknowledge the cost/value if your work and your lost wages .... as above the k lynching you can do isgo back to work abd pay for childcare between the two of you.

No idea how lynching got into my post!

@DeeCeeCherry

Go back to work and put your little one in nursery. It would give you some semblance of a life. Interaction with other adults too.

Your husband couldn't care less, you're heading for depression and still talking about this same scenario in 5 years time as it stands. What's the point, really...

I agree with this approach.

Don’t live a life having to secure what you need out of spite - that’s a shocking and toxic way to live. Your baby will pick up this energy, internalise it and become anxious and insecure. This is not the family environment in which to raise a child.

Be positive and strong. Don’t do the 6 year shlep like your sister - you both will suffer unnecessarily.

Don’t worry about social pressure to have a fake marriage. Prioritise your baby’s long term emotional well-being and your own MH above that.

he doesn't "help out". it's his child too.

we have 7 kids. I'm a SAHM and DH works full time.
He does his fair share (often has to take over completely when I'm ill) and there was never a question of him doing stuff with the kids on his own, looking after them by himself etc.

your DH is weak and lazy. he needs to step up and be a proper parent.
it's perfectly reasonable for you to want time on your own and it is essential that you have it.

show him this thread & tell him to stop being so selfish

Whatever you do, never let him to take you son to Pakistan for a visit. Never! You'll never get your son back. And no court in Pakistan will help a mother.

I didn't realise there were cultural.issues here too.

The above is very important. There is a legal.arrangement you can get that prevents a child being taken abroad without your consent. Maybe someone else will know the term, you need to get ot ASAP and on the QT.

show him this thread

That's not usually a good idea.

He'll see the legs advise.

Abd men like him will only call women like us a bunch of bitter,mad feminists anyway.

*legal advice

@WhiskeyGalore212

show him this thread

That's not usually a good idea.

He'll see the legs advise.

Abd men like him will only call women like us a bunch of bitter,mad feminists anyway.

Well he’d probably be at least 1/3 right 😛

WOMEN love to be mothers

He's just a total chauvinist.

Vast black and white blanket statements about women.

Some women don't want to be mothers, some don't enjoy it at all, some enjoy some of it but find parts tough etc.

Even women who enjoy being sahm's need support, and would until recently have had a huge amount of it from family etc.

Women are maternal self sacrificing robots with no right to help or time out, according to him.

Well he’d probably be at least 1/3 right 😛

I haven't seen one bitter, mad feminist on here....

seen plenty of switched on, wise, experienced women though.