TIME ALONE 😔 HELP PLEASE

[Newmum333]

Lately I have been finding myself in a very low and trapped place, my LO is a few months old now and ever since he has been born my husband has on many occasions, went out with friends, goes to play his cricket matches on weekends, get away from me and LO whenever I visit my parents home in the week. He works from home and when he finishes work he heads of to the gym!

I on the other hand have never been without my LO, I cannot always rely on others to look after him while I pop into town and if others do agree it has to be something important such as a doctors appointment! What I really need is just a few hours a week to go out with friends, or go and play badminton which I enjoyed before pregnancy. My husband always helps out with LO as long as I am there, he doesn't understand that I also require some time alone without him and with LO just for my own sanity, I mean I cannot go and dine in a fine restaurant with friends with him crying in the pram, nor can I take him with me if wanted to get back into badminton!!!! He just feels its a mothers responsibility to have the LO with her all the time!

I've communicated this with him many times and the only answer I get is "I work and pay the bills you don't", although that has nothing to do with me having some alone time!!!!!

Today I spoke to him again and his answer was "if you plan something and give me good notice I will look after the little one", I just know him too well, because I tried that last time and he made all sorts of excuses and it didn't happen!

He is very good at changing nappies etc. It's not an anxiety thing! I'm just very fed up with this double standard behaviour, and non understanding attitude, I want to know if anyone else has been or going through this and what to do

Op this man's behaviour is (understandably) causing you depression and he doesn't give a fuck.

Cinderella, you married a prince.

Go for the balls.

I absolutely feel like this! I have been deceived by lies! Because the way he sees me is, a very happy mother and wife, who without any complaints should just very naturally take on these duties 24/7, he thinks it's okay for women to give up their lives when they have a child!

Divorce.
Then he will have to step up when he sees the child

Not in a million years am I allowing him to take LO to pakistan! Frankly I do not trust him anymore, the lies he fed me before marriage, he has not lived upto any promises.

From today I am getting back into work, I already have a few clients approaching me, and I need to find a decent private nursery for LO, I will demand for 50% of the nursery costs from him!

I even told him today I'm getting back into work and since there will be no one to look after our son, therefore he has to go to private nursery, he is so against the idea of sending him to a nursery as he is only a few months old!

Personally I wanted to spend enough time with him and send him to pre school when he turned 2, but by the time he turns 2 I will have lost all my friends, become even more depressed and possibly have a bunch of grey hairs with the stress! I really doubt he will ever be okay with taking on looking after LO alone and allowing me to go out and socialise

"I work and pay the bills you don't"

The response to this is, "good point. I'll invoice you for childcare and you can pay it monthly, in advance, to my personal account".

I'm sorry OP. He is clearly deeply misogynist and old school and unless he wants to change, (which there is no sign of), nothing will change. His views are set in stone, based on how he perceived reality.

Even his comments about his mum - I do wonder about those. Not that I am in the slightest bit advocating communities in which women and men have very different roles/experiences, one thing that does irritate me is how often men only take the bits they like from those mind sets. So, in this case, women must do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. But the bits he's missed out are things like the community aspect - women forming their own sub-communities made up of extended family and friends to share tasks/support each other.

I have a very religious (christian) distant relative who is hard work because he wants a "traditional" marriage where man is head of the household, ultimately makes decisions, woman is in charge of childcare etc.... but he also gets frustrated because his wife doesn't feel able to deal with practical things like buying a car , sorting out the bills. And he doesn't like that she makes the decisions on how and when child eats and sleeps. You can't have it both ways....!

Fully agree with PPs that his behaviour is unacceptable, will not change and puts you at risk for PND. And also seeking legal advice re not allowing him to take your child out of the country.

One other thing I'd add is that a child's views of a healthy relationship will come from what they see at home.

I just want to say thank you to all you lovely ladies for the advice you have given me! It has motivated me to make some changes now!

I woke up today and approached clients for photography, im looking now for day care nurseries and I told him clearly he has to contribute to paying towards the child care!

I even put out to him on Saturdays I visit my parents therefore play your goddammit cricket on Saturdays and Sundays are therefore mine to go out! He absolutely hated this and not okay with it, but coming Sunday before he even tries to step out, I will make my plans for the day and leave LO with him! Unfortunately it has to happen this way for however long it can.

@Newmum333 Good on you! :) But I suggest you get up veerrrryy early Sunday morning, he may just try to beat you to it by going out without telling you.

Honestly. @SamiReed1This is jarring to read. Adults trying to beat each other to the punch to see who leaves the house and the baby behind? Also OP my heart bleeds for you but I also feel like you must have known this was an option when you chose to date a man from his culture and chose to believe the BS he fed you. Its too late to change anything now though, just beware that you wont get very far trying to re train an adult man of his culture. The odds of him "snapping" and "losing his temper" to the detriment of your Lovely DC while you left your partner alone with the baby are much higher than you having even a sliver of success in getting him to act right.

Ive seen way too many newspaper reports of this happening to kids who cry when left alone with father or stepfathers, as tragic as the thought it, just know its a possibility

I think for better or worse youre stuck in this position till the child gets a little older

The only way you can save yourself is not having another kid with this man. Stop any intimacy

I solved this problem by joining a gym that has a crèche attached. David Lloyd/virgin etc. Get yourself a monthly membership and book LO in for an hour every morning. Stop relying on your husband as he’s not going to step up. Then once you’ve got yourself fit and healthy again, start looking at day nurseries and book two half days a week so you can get a break. You can do this, you just need to have the willpower and be creative and not let him stop you. He won’t help because he knows you’re trapped with the Lo and enjoys it. He knows where you are right? Don’t have any more kids with him because this kind of man never improves

Sunday is now your day. End of. You go out EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. Even if you have nowhere to go, go to Tesco and have a coffee and a mooch round the shops. If you stop, he will take it back. Do not let him call you back unless the baby needs to go to hospital. This is that serious. If you don’t knock his behaviour on the head now you’ll forever be stuck until you’re able to leave your child home alone

I’ve got friends who had to go back to work after six weeks maternity leave. Baby went full time to nursery. Child is now at senior school and thriving. Everybody’s fine. Everybody’s happy. This will not damage your child. You do what you have to do to get your life back.

@FTEngineerM

He doesn’t ‘help out with little one’ .. he takes care of his child, which he should do freely 50% of the time.

agree.

"I work and pay the bills you don't", thats very weird to say.

" do you not love your son, why do you need any space from him"
thats very funny.

I understand exactly how you feel. My daughter is almost 8 months old and I love her more than anything in the world but boy do I need a break. However when I started asking for a bit of free time about 4 months ago and I'm talking maybe 3 hours once a week my partner started calling me selfish pathetic all sorts. Then he said I make him feel like a babysitter seriously looking after your own child is not babysitting. I still haven't had a break he will not take care of her on his own and I really don't know why he doesn't want to. I know how you feel you made this life with the person you love and that person has turned into the biggest disappointment. That person is happy to watch you wither away. Are you able to leave? I would if I could afford to in the mean time I barely speak to my partner and he certainly doesn't get any love from me in or outside the bedroom. Stay strong easier said than done I know but you will because you have to. Much love to you

@NoNotYou

Start small. Tell him to look after LO while you're at Tesco. Then ramp up slowly. Before you/he knows it, you'll be off playing badminton with friends after his work has done for the day!

Or, pay for childcare and do what you like!

i wouldnt do that.

I was married to one of these. Even when I did go back to work full time, he still didnt want to do any actual parenting. I was still expected to work full time, look after my son, and do all the cooking, cleaning and washing while he sat on his bony arse doing nothing. He is now the ex, and my only regret is that I didnt divorce the misogynistic fucker years earlier. OP, he will NEVER change. Do yourself and your child a favour and get your ducks in a row, and get this piece of shit out of your life.

Its too late to change anything now though, just beware that you wont get very far trying to re train an adult man of his culture. The odds of him "snapping" and "losing his temper" to the detriment of your Lovely DC while you left your partner alone with the baby are much higher than you having even a sliver of success in getting him to act right.

so true, you cant change him. there will be trouble.

@Newmum333

I just want to say thank you to all you lovely ladies for the advice you have given me! It has motivated me to make some changes now!

I woke up today and approached clients for photography, im looking now for day care nurseries and I told him clearly he has to contribute to paying towards the child care!

I even put out to him on Saturdays I visit my parents therefore play your goddammit cricket on Saturdays and Sundays are therefore mine to go out! He absolutely hated this and not okay with it, but coming Sunday before he even tries to step out, I will make my plans for the day and leave LO with him! Unfortunately it has to happen this way for however long it can.

OP Please do not have any more children with this man. You know it will only get worse for you, and your children will grow up watching how he behaves and think it is normal for a woman to be abused like this.

If I were clever and talented like you and able to manage financially I would have kicked my husband to the kerb years before I got the courage to do so. For your own happiness and peace of mind you should seriously think about getting away from a life like this

I know everyone keeps telling me he will never change and best to leave him now than waste the years, I also can see he will never change, it will always be a race and challenge and arguments after everytime I leave LO with him, I know its very unhealthy. He doesn't see it a big deal that mental health well being is important.

Right now it's very difficult, especially financially just to get up and leave, I dont have a full time job yet and slowly trying to build my clients again.

It would probably have been a little easier if my baby was in shcool full time. Its just a mental torture thinking my child hasn't even turned one and his parents are thinking of separating, but I married him for the reasons he showed me and he is nothing of those, thats why I'm starting to really despise him. His fucking ideal is a woman only marries for children, house work like a maid and does it without any complaints, also if she can get a part time job too and pay for her own shit that would be a lovely bonus for him.

Get yourself a gym membership, the second he walks through the door be ready in your gym gear and say 'my turn for the gym!' And walk out the door. Then if you fancy it go and get a McDonald's and eat it in your car with a book or your tablet and watch a show. Stop asking and just do it if it's something he's doing.

I would do the same thing you're doing OP - get rid of that stupid 'I work so I don't have to do anything else' argument by getting back to work and then demanding equal time off in the relationship.

I very much doubt he'll follow his logic through and start doing half the childcare and half the chores though :(

@bluebell34567

" do you not love your son, why do you need any space from him" thats very funny.

Yeah, tell.him that from his time abd effort abd care with your son . You can only assume that he's hates him abd seeshim as his worst enemy.

His response tk that no doubt will be be it's natural & normal for women to do childcare, but not men.
Which brings you right back to the fact that you can try to improve the situation with working parttime asking childcare facilties (and that will gelp you, no doubt) but your root problem is still there; his views & values.