Baby Dilemma

[dontworrybhappy]

Hi everyone, hope your all ok.I feel quite ungrateful posting this but i have 3 children from previous(2 diff dads) Had a very bad time with the youngests Dad and was very reluctant to introduce another man again in case it went wrong (yet again)

However i met a lovely guy and hes taken us all on hes a little unaffectionate and aloof at times and very matter of fact to the ppont where i can be crying amd he will just watch me cry hes very detatched,  but hes wonderful in other ways just not v emotionally supportive. 

When we got.together we discussed babies and i asked if he would ever consider more he said hed never say never . I said i definatly want another one day. 2 years down the line hes changed his mind and im heartbroken their is no talking to him.He says he loves me.just the same but he doesnt want to do it all again. (He has an older son who he pays for and we see at weekend and another girl whom he doesnt see at all)

He says he doesnt know why hes changed his mind but hes adamant.im so hurt.I pushed it away for a while but sat down with him calmly last night to try and discuss it(sway him) he lost his temper immediatly and was so cruel he started writing me a fkin list of bullet points of how he doesnt want another.i started crying and he still carried on and said im writing it down coz im sick of repeating myself.I tried to grab the notebook and he slung it at the kettle .In the end he went off to his mums and slept their he does that alot.

He is never really sorry if i cry and today was no diff he said well you shouldve listened and stop bringing old stuff up and it wouldnt have happened (i admit i can go on and dig alot)

Im heartbroken the kids love him and i dont want to start yet again and hurt the kids ,but i am so upset.

He never used to loose his temper so quickly, he would.never hit me but he just doesnt seem to care about my.feelings yet he tells me he loves me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated im at a crossroads in my life almost 37 and dont want to waste but he is a good man in all other ways he does devote his life to us. I just wanted another baby.

I also dont see any sign of an engagment. Hes very laid back and had to be pushed into things previoisly by his ex,and as said he will get me a ring if it shuts me up which apparently he did before ! (I wouldnt want that though)He also doesnt earn alot so he says he wants to get married one day but couldnt fund it. Thanku xx

You have three kids with two different dads. 4 kids with 3 different dads really isn't fair on anyone
Can't you count your blessings?

He doesn't seem like a lovely guy at all. Was your previous partner so bad this one seems good in comparison, while actually still being pretty shit?

Apart from that -

• He doesn't want another baby.
• He doesn't want to get married.

If those are dealbreakers for you, you need to get a wiggle on and leave him.

Why do you want a baby with someone who has a daughter he doesn't see?

Why would you want four children by three different fathers?

Its baffling. He watches you cry then you describe him as supportive? Sounds like you need to prioritise yourself and your existing children, get rid of the bloke who blatantly doesn't care and put a fourth child on a back burner.

I'd recommend you break up with him and reset yourself. He sounds fucking awful and it seems you have lurched from one horrible man to another. It's a good thing he doesn't want a baby, don't tie yourself to him for any longer. Look into the Freedom Programme.

Thanks for replying whats the freedom programme? Xx

Yes he always watches me cry especially in an argument but hes hard and will say its your own fault .I have gone on about his oast alot and ihave compared relationships alot and been jealous so i have drove him insane.But I dont think last night was called for. He still keeps saying it escalated.because i keep pestering for something hes told me the answer to before. He will have the kids whenever i want to go somewhere alone etc he always comes along to their football training and is supoortive that way he does all he can for us as a family but i dont think hes that keen on loads of kids he likes to watch tv in peace etc and my boys are wild maybe they put him off xx

He's entitled to change his mind and has told you he doesn't want more kids. Accept that and move on from him. Why the hell you'd want another child with a man who doesn't bother with one of his existing kids is beyond me.

Put your existing children first
What they are witnessing is causing them harm
They are learning about relationships by watching you
Do you want your sons to be like this arsehole ?

I suppose everyone looses their temper or argues occassionally, we dont argue alot and hardly ever when the kids are in earshot. The lack of emotion bothers me but then people tell me he wouldnt be here if he didnt love us.Im told hes always been quite robotic and hard. Im told no1 is perfect we arnt i just dont know what to do.He tells me hed love to marry me one day , he isnt the type to stick around for anything else as he pays the rent and it isnt easy with the boys x :/

@dryasaboner

You have three kids with two different dads. 4 kids with 3 different dads really isn't fair on anyone Can't you count your blessings?

This. A million times. He sounds like a shit dad as it is.

I mean this kindly op but you need to stop equating love with making babies. You already have 3 dc to 2 different dads and the relationships have failed. It already sounds like there's red flags there and he seem aloof at times and unloving.

Its not good, iv been told iv no right to bring up his past he says no one else ever had a problem with it.It shocks me tbh, but he didnt knw the woman was preg until the child was 6 month apparently he tried to do the right thing and she made it impossible.so for his own sanity and the facf he had another small child he walked away, fast forward 6 years the child got taken off the mother and he was offerd custody but refused as said it would have messed up his life and that the child didnt know him so she went to family she knew :/ its quite upsetting to me though

Full of glee ur right i know :(

We cannot always have what we want in life and I really would embrace what you have and stop creating more children. You don't need to do this and it just sounds like the road to deep unhappiness ultimately in your relationship. I'm sorry to sound harsh.

He doesn't very nice at all. As a partner, or a father.

But he told you he doesn't want more kids. Respect that.

You talk about him funding a wedding and paying the rent. Do you work?

Would you find life unbearable if you were single? Surely being single must be better than this ?

Am I reading that right? His Daughter was taken away from a (presumably unfit) Mother and he still refused to care for her because it would 'mess up his life' despite him already having a child? The poor kid.

How you can be even considering bringing a child into the world with a man like that is beyond me. He sounds like a selfish piece of shit and you can do much better.

I don't agree with posters being rude about how many children the OP has with different dads etc. I get that some people think a bit of "tough love" is best in these situations but please, just be kind.

OP - If he doesn't want more children, you can't force him. I don't agree with him getting so angry with you and throwing something, but I also don't think it's a good idea for you to try and change his mind. Why do you want more children? Perhaps have a think about what it is you want, do you want more children because you always imagined a big family and feel you have more love to give? Or is there another reason? If it really is a deal breaker to you, you need to tell him that and discuss how you are amicably going to split. Some counselling might be helpful for you to figure things out, but I am bias there as I have had counselling before and personally found it very useful. But counselling could be helpful for you as a couple to try and move forward and discuss some of the problems in the relationship, if of course you are comfortable with staying and not having another baby.

Sorry but while he sounds awful about the way he's dealt with it and from everything else you've said - I can see why he would get annoyed if you've kept pushing it after he said he didn't want any more kids. He's within his rights to not want more and you either need to accept that or leave and find someone who does want more

İ think you're clinging onto the fantasy of the ideal life because you feel like you failed for not making it happen with your first three kids. That's why you put up with someone not so great in the hopes it will just give you that ideal husband wife and child together picture. Relationships are supposed to be a secure loving place to grow and learn as a person. But life isn't ideal so please let go of that dream of a picture perfect life, and realise you are good enough with everything you achieved so far with your three children.

He's a twat. He probably never wanted a baby, he was just saying what you wanted to hear. Get rid of him, he's useless.

Your updates just make him sound worse tbh.

He is heartless. Why would you want a child with someone who rejected his own child? What kind of father does that?

Do you work? Could you be independent of him in terms of housing? You say he pays the rent and looks after the boys sometimes but that alone doesn't make him a decent partner. Why do you want to marry him if he is robotic and lacking emotion?

He pays the rent i pay the bills and food shopping etc, i was a full time carer for my mum until very recently , so not working at the moment xx

He sounds like a nasty arse and a shit dad so I think we should all be grateful he's got a list of bullet points about why he doesn't want any more children, to be honest.

Pepperpiglife thats made me cry do u know me!! Ur spot on, thanku for all ur comment everyone i don mknd the harsh ones at all its all true.i was told i was a disgrace by my dad rip for making so many mistakes so i can take it xxxx