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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Baby Dilemma

88 replies

dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 18:13

Hi everyone, hope your all ok.I feel quite ungrateful posting this but i have 3 children from previous(2 diff dads) Had a very bad time with the youngests Dad and was very reluctant to introduce another man again in case it went wrong (yet again)

However i met a lovely guy and hes taken us all on hes a little unaffectionate and aloof at times and very matter of fact to the ppont where i can be crying amd he will just watch me cry hes very detatched,  but hes wonderful in other ways just not v emotionally supportive.

When we got.together we discussed babies and i asked if he would ever consider more he said hed never say never . I said i definatly want another one day. 2 years down the line hes changed his mind and im heartbroken their is no talking to him.He says he loves me.just the same but he doesnt want to do it all again. (He has an older son who he pays for and we see at weekend and another girl whom he doesnt see at all)

He says he doesnt know why hes changed his mind but hes adamant.im so hurt.I pushed it away for a while but sat down with him calmly last night to try and discuss it(sway him) he lost his temper immediatly and was so cruel he started writing me a fkin list of bullet points of how he doesnt want another.i started crying and he still carried on and said im writing it down coz im sick of repeating myself.I tried to grab the notebook and he slung it at the kettle .In the end he went off to his mums and slept their he does that alot.

He is never really sorry if i cry and today was no diff he said well you shouldve listened and stop bringing old stuff up and it wouldnt have happened (i admit i can go on and dig alot)

Im heartbroken the kids love him and i dont want to start yet again and hurt the kids ,but i am so upset.

He never used to loose his temper so quickly, he would.never hit me but he just doesnt seem to care about my.feelings yet he tells me he loves me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated im at a crossroads in my life almost 37 and dont want to waste but he is a good man in all other ways he does devote his life to us. I just wanted another baby.

I also dont see any sign of an engagment. Hes very laid back and had to be pushed into things previoisly by his ex,and as said he will get me a ring if it shuts me up which apparently he did before ! (I wouldnt want that though)He also doesnt earn alot so he says he wants to get married one day but couldnt fund it. Thanku xx

OP posts:

GalaxyBrain · 15/08/2021 23:31

I mean this kindly but please please don't live your life by what people on Facebook say.
What matters is what is going help your kids grow up in a loving home.

A man who rejected his own child is not that, let alone how he treats you. Concentrate on yourself and your children. It doesn't sound like this is a loving relationship. You don't owe him a relationship no matter what he says.

Heliachi · 15/08/2021 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster

dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:35

He isnt bad to me, do u mean about the other child? He told me it was a long time ago and that everyone as moved on. People told me not to let it ruin my future when hes great with us. I have offerd to help him get in touch but he refuses he said itd do more harm

OP posts:

huuskymam · 15/08/2021 23:39

He got offered custody of the child he didn't see and refused cause it would mess up his life????? I wouldn't have a Guinea pig with him never mind a child. He sounds horrible.

Original poster

dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:40

Hes great with the kids and supports them all , he is usually lovely toward me and we get on great its that he shocked me last night with how he reacted. the kids are very happy its not a regular occurance and they do see us being loving n cuddle etc as they all make sick faces! I suppose i want what my mind thinks is a fairytale , i wear my heart on my sleeve and he doesnt really show emotion were quite polar opposites in that way x

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 15/08/2021 23:40

Stop deluding yourself
He’s not great with you
For gods sake don’t bring another child into a shit life

Original poster

dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:41

I know i initially reacted the same way. His mum even phonrd me explaining what they went through. He thought it best on the child apparently as she didnt know him.

OP posts:

me4real · 15/08/2021 23:55

He's not nice @dontworrybhappy xxx If you want to not worry and be happy you need to stop seeing him. x

Skyline24 · 15/08/2021 23:59

One question really.. why is it you want another baby?

QueenBee52 · 16/08/2021 00:06

omg please get rid of this man.. he is fucking horrible

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 16/08/2021 00:27

This is not a man to have a child with. He has two children (that you know about, he might have more that even he doesn't know about if he really didn't know about his daughter for six months he obviously isn't too careful or fussy if he didn't know a woman he'd slept with had a baby nine months later) and of those two children he has -

A daughter who he doesn't see, didn't know about for six months (he says), and then walked away from "for his older child" (that is so wrong it's sickening, abandoning a child and saying you did it for their sibling), and then when she really needed him he said he didnt want her because it'd ruin his life.

A son who he only sees on weekends. Why? Why doesn't he have 50/50? Why does he only have him on weekends? Does he go to parents evenings? Does he help with homework? What does he do to actually bring up the child? Because if he just sees him to do fun things with then its back to his DS's mums for the things he doesn't want to do then he isn't parenting.

What would you do if you got pregnant and he didn't want that child either so left? This might be not the case but you say you've got boys and he has his DS so do you think it likely he just doesn't want a daughter? But if he left would you be ok being a single parent? Would you be ok with having to tell your child that you had them with a dad who you knew might not be in their life and that they have a sister somewhere who their dad abandoned too?

Thankfully he doesn't want another, because he shouldn't be a father. It's good he's said this and not just impregnated you and left you afterwards.

OP, you should leave this man if you want your own children to grow up to not think this is right. Do not have a child with him. It isn't fair on your children or on the child you'd have. He has obviously said no anyway but is he wearing condoms? Because if he doesn't want another he needs to, because he's had enough unplanned pregnancies in women he's slept with already. But you should leave so it isn't you who has to tell your child why their father isn't around.

Cocogreen · 16/08/2021 03:05

Let's leave him out of it for a moment.
Trying to nag someone into fathering a baby they are CLEAR they don't want any part of is total insanity.
Be prepared to never see him again if you deliberately get pregnant.

VioletSunlight · 16/08/2021 03:35

So you have two children with two different fathers already and he has another children with another woman. Those children must all be struggling so much already to cope with these ever changing partners and family relationships. Just stop. Focus on making sure your children have a happy childhood and stability. Date this man if you like but don't disrupt your children anymore. No need to move in with hom and try to have yet more kids! How do the existing kids feel about all of this??

VioletSunlight · 16/08/2021 03:38

@dontworrybhappy

I suppose everyone looses their temper or argues occassionally, we dont argue alot and hardly ever when the kids are in earshot. The lack of emotion bothers me but then people tell me he wouldnt be here if he didnt love us.Im told hes always been quite robotic and hard. Im told no1 is perfect we arnt i just dont know what to do.He tells me hed love to marry me one day , he isnt the type to stick around for anything else as he pays the rent and it isnt easy with the boys x :/

For goodness sake. This man is abusive. Why are you doing this to yourself and your children?

Please put your children first now. It sounds like they've been through enough already.

VioletSunlight · 16/08/2021 03:41

@dontworrybhappy

He pays the rent i pay the bills and food shopping etc, i was a full time carer for my mum until very recently , so not working at the moment xx

Get a job now. Provide for your children yourself and give them stability. Forget this loser.

VioletSunlight · 16/08/2021 03:43

@Starseeking

He's got 2 DC from 2 different women, you've got 3 DC by 2 different men and you're upset that he doesn't want to bring DC6 into this situation given the way you describe your relationship???

I'd count my lucky stars I wasn't already pregnant, and be content with the DC I already had, if I were you.

Oh Christ I missed that, so there are already 5, all with different parents except for two of them. Yet OP feels another baby is a great idea.

FFS. Poor kids.

VioletSunlight · 16/08/2021 03:44

@NowEvenBetter

^…or… stop finding blokes at all. Put the focus on the kids who already exist and are having a shit time.

👏👏👏

VioletSunlight · 16/08/2021 03:54

It's really not a dilemma at all OP. Work on providing a good life for your existing children, yourself. Take some time out of relationships until you've learned boundaries and had some good therapy to work through what's happened to you so far in life. The fact you've even been considering having a child with this man is disturbing. With children to care for who've already been through adverse childhood experiences and disruption, it's totally mad. Please, for their sake, stop this now.

namechangeandNC · 16/08/2021 05:44

@dontworrybhappy

He told you it was a long time ago and everyone has moved on? I somehow don't think that that is true for the girl who has to live with the fact that neither of her birth parents could or wanted to care for her. That poor girl will likely never "move on" from what he has done - you simply cannot have another child with this horrendous man. I'm sorry OP. And there's nothing wrong with crying. Enjoy the children you have, and definitely don't have more with him.... I'd also leave him, he sounds so nasty.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 06:41

He isnt bad to me, do u mean about the other child? He told me it was a long time ago and that everyone as moved on.

I highly doubt the child has moved on based on everything you've said here...

bigbaggyeyes · 16/08/2021 06:55

I'm afraid one persons desire to have dc doesn't trump another's, if he's spelt it out to you it's also unfair in him to keep brining informed it up and try to persuade him.

On another note, he doesn't sound like an ideal candidate to have a child with, he sounds bullish and also very emotionally cruel and unavailable.

In your shoes I'd look to remove myself from this relationship as he's not a 'good man' and count your blessings with the 3 dc you have.

AlternativePerspective · 16/08/2021 06:58

His own shortcomings aside, you sound incredibly manipulative, and although you say you cry easily you clearly were disappointed that he didn’t react to your crying.

4 children by 3 different men is nothing to aspire to. In fact 4 children by 3 different partners is nothing to aspire to.

i remember once meeting a couple when we were out for dinner and he was talking about the 4 kids he had by 3 different women, and the woman he was with was talking about how he was the love of her life and she his, and all I could think was that he had 4 kids by 3 women. and if I’m honest, I just looked at him as a bloke who moves from woman to woman fathering her children and then on to the next one.

A woman with 4 kids by 3 different fathers would bring up the same kind of vision for me.

You’re setting your children up for a shit life if you continue with this. Don’t think that the kids aren’t affected by all these different dads in their lives. The real dads, the new daddy figures you keep introducing to them along with the new children, etc etc.

Get rid of this bloke, get a job and get your act together.

And don’t have any more children. ever

heyday · 16/08/2021 08:16

It is highly likely that your hormones are really kicking in and making you desperate for another baby. Why not focus on the 3 children that you have already? Life is getting so much harder in the world so perhaps a better plan would be to get back to work then start saving so you have a bit of security. You could then try putting a bit away for each child towards their future ie for uni or house deposit. At the same time look at your current relationship and find away to either improve it or leave it as it sounds very toxic with challenging behaviour from you both.

ChrissyPlummer · 16/08/2021 09:37

Get a job and focus on your existing kids. You say your boys are ‘wild’, maybe focus on parenting them instead of moving on to the next DP and having another baby. Sorry if it sounds harsh but they have probably gone through many changes already; give them some stability and ditch the P.

Whatever else he is or isn’t, he IS allowed to say he doesn’t want any more kids. Maybe he’s recognised that he isn’t a good dad, which sounds as if it would be the best for all concerned.

NowEvenBetter · 16/08/2021 09:48

Threads like this are so depressing. More damaged kids having random trash blokes moved in and out of their home, focus on the next new baybee and bloke, growing up to replicate the same mess.

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