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Original poster

Baby Dilemma

88 replies

dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 18:13

Hi everyone, hope your all ok.I feel quite ungrateful posting this but i have 3 children from previous(2 diff dads) Had a very bad time with the youngests Dad and was very reluctant to introduce another man again in case it went wrong (yet again)

However i met a lovely guy and hes taken us all on hes a little unaffectionate and aloof at times and very matter of fact to the ppont where i can be crying amd he will just watch me cry hes very detatched,  but hes wonderful in other ways just not v emotionally supportive.

When we got.together we discussed babies and i asked if he would ever consider more he said hed never say never . I said i definatly want another one day. 2 years down the line hes changed his mind and im heartbroken their is no talking to him.He says he loves me.just the same but he doesnt want to do it all again. (He has an older son who he pays for and we see at weekend and another girl whom he doesnt see at all)

He says he doesnt know why hes changed his mind but hes adamant.im so hurt.I pushed it away for a while but sat down with him calmly last night to try and discuss it(sway him) he lost his temper immediatly and was so cruel he started writing me a fkin list of bullet points of how he doesnt want another.i started crying and he still carried on and said im writing it down coz im sick of repeating myself.I tried to grab the notebook and he slung it at the kettle .In the end he went off to his mums and slept their he does that alot.

He is never really sorry if i cry and today was no diff he said well you shouldve listened and stop bringing old stuff up and it wouldnt have happened (i admit i can go on and dig alot)

Im heartbroken the kids love him and i dont want to start yet again and hurt the kids ,but i am so upset.

He never used to loose his temper so quickly, he would.never hit me but he just doesnt seem to care about my.feelings yet he tells me he loves me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated im at a crossroads in my life almost 37 and dont want to waste but he is a good man in all other ways he does devote his life to us. I just wanted another baby.

I also dont see any sign of an engagment. Hes very laid back and had to be pushed into things previoisly by his ex,and as said he will get me a ring if it shuts me up which apparently he did before ! (I wouldnt want that though)He also doesnt earn alot so he says he wants to get married one day but couldnt fund it. Thanku xx

OP posts:
Fustyoldface · 15/08/2021 20:36

Op he sounds bloody awful Sad please don’t have a child with him, imagine how he’d be if this us how he is handling the decision. He’s said he doesn’t want one, listen to him.

NowEvenBetter · 15/08/2021 20:58

I don’t even have words to describe the repulsion I feel at your boyfriends reprehensible abandonment of one of his kids. That child will need decades of therapy to try to live with being discarded by both of her deadbeat ‘parents’. It’s a brilliant thing that that vile man won’t be breeding yet again. He urgently needs a vasectomy, and preferably yeeted off the planet entirely.

NowEvenBetter · 15/08/2021 21:09

Obviously dump the fucker, get a job, never depend on a man again, try to keep future boyfriends away from your kids until proven they’re not another scumbag, it’s not fair on your kids. You need to do the Freedom Project and work on your self confidence and standards.

category12 · 15/08/2021 21:27

What was your childhood like? Your dad sounds very critical and unsupportive, was that typical of your childhood?

Sometimes if we grow up with bad relationship models or feeling unworthy or unloveable, we grab onto anyone who seems to want us no matter how badly they behave.

Starseeking · 15/08/2021 21:51

He's got 2 DC from 2 different women, you've got 3 DC by 2 different men and you're upset that he doesn't want to bring DC6 into this situation given the way you describe your relationship??? Confused

I'd count my lucky stars I wasn't already pregnant, and be content with the DC I already had, if I were you.

Polkadots2021 · 15/08/2021 21:55

@dontworrybhappy

Its not good, iv been told iv no right to bring up his past he says no one else ever had a problem with it.It shocks me tbh, but he didnt knw the woman was preg until the child was 6 month apparently he tried to do the right thing and she made it impossible.so for his own sanity and the facf he had another small child he walked away, fast forward 6 years the child got taken off the mother and he was offerd custody but refused as said it would have messed up his life and that the child didnt know him so she went to family she knew :/ its quite upsetting to me though
Is this serious? He rejected custody of his own child?

And you want a baby with him?!

As poor choices go, OP, attempting to have a baby with a man who rejects custody of his own child is pretty unbeatable. End the relationship and concentrate on your lovely kids.

Patapouf · 15/08/2021 22:01

Move on. He's not emotionally supportive and hes a crap dad if he doesn't even see one of his children.

I think you need to dig down into why you want another child. Do you feel you need to cement a relationship with a baby? Are your existing children not enough?

villamariavintrapp · 15/08/2021 22:38

So, regardless of all your relationship problems, you already know he's a shit dad. So shit that even when his child really needed him, and had no one else, he still didn't step up! Don't have another child with him. Find someone better.

NowEvenBetter · 15/08/2021 22:46

^…or… stop finding blokes at all. Put the focus on the kids who already exist and are having a shit time.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 22:47

@villamariavintrapp

So, regardless of all your relationship problems, you already know he's a shit dad. So shit that even when his child really needed him, and had no one else, he still didn't step up! Don't have another child with him. Find someone better.
This. I couldn't be with a man who didn't fight to see his child, no matter how hard the process was. OP, can you imagine any situation in which you'd have walked away from your children because it got too hard to fight for them? I would guess no. Me either.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 22:49

And I agree with a PP - your aim shouldn't be to find a better partner to have kids with.

It should be to become self sufficient as a parent to your existing children rather than seeking out someone else to have kids with.

You may find that in future but to view it as a goal to prioritise in the near future is both irresponsible and unhealthy.

Haffiana · 15/08/2021 23:01

He says he doesnt know why hes changed his mind but hes adamant.im so hurt.I pushed it away for a while but sat down with him calmly last night to try and discuss it(sway him) he lost his temper immediatly and was so cruel he started writing me a fkin list of bullet points of how he doesnt want another.i started crying and he still carried on and said im writing it down coz im sick of repeating myself.

This stood out for me. He has told you that he categorically doesn't want another child, but you nevertheless sat him down yet again and tried to change his mind. He then resorted to writing down all the reasons -that he had already told you and that you had ignored - that he didn't want a child. You resorted to crying, and you are for some reason amazed (and complaining that he is unaffectionate, cruel and aloof) because he wasn't at all impressed by your tears and still didn't change his mind?

I'm sorry OP. You really need to start listening to him. He has GOOD reasons for not wanting another child.

MsTSwift · 15/08/2021 23:08

You are not listening to him and sound quite manipulative. Another child is an insane idea for so many reasons. How are these children supported financially if you are not working?

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:09

Thsnks again for the replies i really appreciate a neutral opinion on this.The replies regarding the other child are in stark contrast to what i recieved on a fb page when i found out and was really angry at him and it nearlly finished us.People were ripping me to bits telling me i didnt deserve him and his past is non of my business and that he did the kindest thing for his child who didnt know him.They told me i was unsupportive and a b. I struggled greatly with it as my own morals are completely different it has never sat right with me , x

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 23:16

He sounds like a twat and you sound very needy.. Why would you want a child with someone like this..
There's no future. Find your self respect and ditch him and find happiness in your 3 beautiful kids.

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:16

True haffiana, although i was hurt i cry alot and it isnt put on . I expected a little more understanding x

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 23:18

I also think the crying is a bit manipulative.. Fair enough you're genuinely upset.. But from how you post its like you cried to see if you'd get a reaction from him.. He's obviously made his mind up and you can't respect that and keep pushing and pushing. You both want different things in life. Time to leave.

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:18

Mrs tfswift , I was a carer for my mum until recently , we both support the children financially and i also recieve maintenance

OP posts:
Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:20

Pebbledashery , i cry alot but its never forced , i was genuinly hurt when he started writing his list it was cruel:( i know crying gets no reaction from him it never has x

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 15/08/2021 23:22

@Haffiana

He says he doesnt know why hes changed his mind but hes adamant.im so hurt.I pushed it away for a while but sat down with him calmly last night to try and discuss it(sway him) he lost his temper immediatly and was so cruel he started writing me a fkin list of bullet points of how he doesnt want another.i started crying and he still carried on and said im writing it down coz im sick of repeating myself.

This stood out for me. He has told you that he categorically doesn't want another child, but you nevertheless sat him down yet again and tried to change his mind. He then resorted to writing down all the reasons -that he had already told you and that you had ignored - that he didn't want a child. You resorted to crying, and you are for some reason amazed (and complaining that he is unaffectionate, cruel and aloof) because he wasn't at all impressed by your tears and still didn't change his mind?

I'm sorry OP. You really need to start listening to him. He has GOOD reasons for not wanting another child.

This.

It sounds like you are trying to manipulate him into having a baby when he doesn’t want one! You also sound annoyed that crying isn’t getting you your own way.

He doesn’t want a baby, stop trying to persuade him that he does.

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 23:24

I genuinely.. GENUINELY could not respect a man who abandoned his child. He's a complete disgrace. And you want to have a child with this sorry excuse of a man? You're either unbelievably niave or something else.
Just find your self respect. If he doesn't care about his own child, then he certainly doesn't care about you and your feelings.

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:24

Blossomingslowly thankyou xx

OP posts:
Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:26

I know what u mean but i was told be everyone to let it go and that i had no clue what he went through.He told me himself it tore him apart but he says he doesnt show it

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 23:28

You massively need to get your priorities sorted. You have 3 kids who I'm sure are amazing.. Focus of them and stop wanting a shiny new toy to play with...it ain't going to happen with this guy. How you can stay with a man like this I don't know..

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 15/08/2021 23:30

Omg no and this is why i struggled , as he supports the other child and mine.

OP posts:
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