Baby Dilemma

[dontworrybhappy]

Hi everyone, hope your all ok.I feel quite ungrateful posting this but i have 3 children from previous(2 diff dads) Had a very bad time with the youngests Dad and was very reluctant to introduce another man again in case it went wrong (yet again)

However i met a lovely guy and hes taken us all on hes a little unaffectionate and aloof at times and very matter of fact to the ppont where i can be crying amd he will just watch me cry hes very detatched,  but hes wonderful in other ways just not v emotionally supportive. 

When we got.together we discussed babies and i asked if he would ever consider more he said hed never say never . I said i definatly want another one day. 2 years down the line hes changed his mind and im heartbroken their is no talking to him.He says he loves me.just the same but he doesnt want to do it all again. (He has an older son who he pays for and we see at weekend and another girl whom he doesnt see at all)

He says he doesnt know why hes changed his mind but hes adamant.im so hurt.I pushed it away for a while but sat down with him calmly last night to try and discuss it(sway him) he lost his temper immediatly and was so cruel he started writing me a fkin list of bullet points of how he doesnt want another.i started crying and he still carried on and said im writing it down coz im sick of repeating myself.I tried to grab the notebook and he slung it at the kettle .In the end he went off to his mums and slept their he does that alot.

He is never really sorry if i cry and today was no diff he said well you shouldve listened and stop bringing old stuff up and it wouldnt have happened (i admit i can go on and dig alot)

Im heartbroken the kids love him and i dont want to start yet again and hurt the kids ,but i am so upset.

He never used to loose his temper so quickly, he would.never hit me but he just doesnt seem to care about my.feelings yet he tells me he loves me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated im at a crossroads in my life almost 37 and dont want to waste but he is a good man in all other ways he does devote his life to us. I just wanted another baby.

I also dont see any sign of an engagment. Hes very laid back and had to be pushed into things previoisly by his ex,and as said he will get me a ring if it shuts me up which apparently he did before ! (I wouldnt want that though)He also doesnt earn alot so he says he wants to get married one day but couldnt fund it. Thanku xx

While i really appreciate all of the comments so far i do feel as if some of them are not accurate.DP is in no way abusive yes a little cold and black and white but not abusive! The children are also really happy and not unstable at all, They are provided for and have thier futures secure financially as ive always made sure whether im alone or not that were all ok moneywise.But i do fear.that if we split up that they would be very upset so thats why im torn. As for the other child I dont agree at all but i dont think it was cut and dry, but no its not right. Ive told him before i was very good friends with a single dad to 4 kids who had his own business aswell as bringing them up and I thought he was a wonderful person we almost got together as thats what attracted me.So i do agree what your saying about the other child its not good x

They wouldn’t be upset, they may cry at seeing their mother upset but getting your deadbeat boyfriend out of their house would be brilliant for them. Disgrace of a man. Hope he’s getting sterilised very soon.

The children arnt damaged and the way your typing baybee im assuming you think im a down and outer!😆 I think i probably just want the fairytale ending , but youve all brought me back down to earth.My do is sensible and has brought us stability and normal and happiness into our life, we all get on as a blended family with his extended family also(I have no family only Mum who is now in care) so im most worried about spliting uo and hurting the kids as they love him being here.I can live with the baby thing I just find it hard with him not.being.very good with feelings its an odd one. Xx

@dontworrybhappy

The children arnt damaged and the way your typing baybee im assuming you think im a down and outer!😆 I think i probably just want the fairytale ending , but youve all brought me back down to earth.My do is sensible and has brought us stability and normal and happiness into our life, we all get on as a blended family with his extended family also(I have no family only Mum who is now in care) so im most worried about spliting uo and hurting the kids as they love him being here.I can live with the baby thing I just find it hard with him not.being.very good with feelings its an odd one. Xx

Well, if you’re really happy with him and accept that he doesn’t ever want a baby, then that’s great.

Maybe chat and say you find it hard to know what he’s really feeling sometimes. Try to have a sensible conversation without crying though.

@huuskymam

He got offered custody of the child he didn't see and refused cause it would mess up his life????? I wouldn't have a Guinea pig with him never mind a child. He sounds horrible.

He also pointed out that she didn't know him so she went to other family.

However he should then have tried to establish a relationship with her

What void do you think having more children is going to fill?
Why can't you be happy with your exisiting children?
Some people struggle to have one child, count your blessings.

Are you most upset that he doesn't want to have another child, or at his reaction to your conversation?

To be honest, I can't agree that your DC have a stable childhood.

Personally, I think you should focus on what is best for your 3 DC and then work out how to achieve that. A stable and loving home, a happy mother, positive relationships, good male role models, consistency.

Not having another baby is the most decent thing that this man has done.

He's clearly one of those men who will be nice to the kids if he's shagging their mum. He's not father material.

Thanks i cry all the time.Everythibgs chamged since i lost my Dad amd Mum is not mentally here anymore.I will admit i jump from one relationship to another beleiving each one is right.I crave the family thing and although iam self sufficient I always seem to have to have a man in tow.I love this man despite not agreeing to his past it took me a long time to get over that revelation .Yes i can live with the baby thing , its just i seem to need constant reasurrance of someones love and this man doesnt do feelings at all :( However the way he cares for us in other ways shows love i know that, he always puts us first.Id probably love to feel special on occasion and mayne have somethibg else to focus on other than a baby, i love children and i always put mine first, I said if it didnt work out this time i wont be getting involved with anyone else.I probably have my head in a disney cloud tbh ! Id probably feel alot better if dp did propose , I just feel so frustrated about the lack of plans for future.But like he said today he doesnt see another baby as proof of commitment he says living together is a commitment in itself. I have been so nasty in the oast over the other child i told him it was discusting and that he cant shove it undee the rug forever.he said he will cross that bridge when it comes to it. Thanku for your help everyone xx

For the posters who immediately started judging and being somewhat nasty regarding children by different fathers you really need to attempt to understand other people's lives instead of immediately getting so judgy.

I have different fathers for my children. It is what it is.

Would it be any different if I had been widowed?

I suspect the judginess is also assuming certain stereotypes. Nice to know that certain people still like to have dark age thinking and think it's find to judge regarding someone having children by different fathers.

So if one relationship breaks down then the women goes on to have another child she is immediately looked upon badly by certain people. If she later marries etc and decides or has a contraception failure then she shouldn't be adding anymore simply due to them having a different father????

What a terrible sin having children with different fathers. Nice to know that there is still that attitude towards women.....

OP, I would be seeing about going separate ways with your partner. You both clearly want different things and it will end up causing resentment.

Also you need someone who actually seems to care if you happen to be upset. Not someone who sits and act like that like nothing is happening. As for his storming off back to his mother's I wouldn't be pleased with that at all and that will be having an impact.

The statement about the ring to shut you up is passive aggressive even if he tries to claim it was a joke or meant in a jokey way.

You deserve so much better than that.

You deserve a proper, genuine partner. However I would definitely be seeing about focusing on yourself for a while. You have said yourself about needing reassurance etc and that's a thing that lots of people feel the need for and at least you recognise it as some don't at all. You would definitely benefit from talking to someone to try and help get all your feelings out and to try to help you see that you can be perfectly fine and okay by yourself. I know it can seem so difficult and extremely daunting but you will get there. You will feel strong and good and you deserve to feel that way. Don't be embarrassed or afraid to speak to someone as this is how a lot of women feel but as I've already said you recognise that.

Thinking of you

@NotMyselfWithoutCoffee so does that mean that people with larger families have a void that they're trying to fill? Or is it just attached to certain people who some feel are a particular stereotype?

Having other children or wanting to does certainly not mean someone isn't happy with the child/ren they already have! Some people do want larger families whereas some don't want any and some only want one or two. Completely different for each individual.

As for stating about how others struggle to conceive even one so she should count herself likely that is really quite rude to say. Again, something else that would only be voiced online and not to someone! People choosing to have another child/ren are not responsible for others having fertility issues. I say that as someone who fits into that category. Nobody should be made to feel bad or horrible for having children especially due to others having issues regarding conception.

@toystoyseverywhere

Ops just posted a wall of text about crying all the time and needing to have a baby with a new man to affirm love, so it's not simply about just wanting more children.

Judging by ops insecurities I don't think it's right to bring more children into this mess. She needs to iron out her relationships and focus on security and stability for her exisiting children first.