So, after 1.5 marriage we have developed communication problems.
He is generally well intentioned, but quite introverted & shy.
We have managed to have a reasonably good level of communication because he usually 1)listened to me 2) we get each other in some significant ways, 3) I can read him relatively well. But with time I have realised that our conversations have this strange dynamic, where it is either me asking him questions or me telling him things. He very rarely talks on his own, other than convey relevant information. I haven't noticed it before, because he does engage in conversations once I start them. But,
All conversations started to feel like I was doing all the work. and it started to bother me. And then he admitted, that if it were up to him, he just wouldn't talk at all.
We went to couples therapy, and it was decided there that it is probably best that he works through some things individually in therapy.
Since then... things have been mixed. We had a couple of deeper conversation, and went to do things together, so generally I think we are doing relatively well. We still love and like each other.
However, I have become increasingly more upset with how he is at meals. It turns out that he grew up in a culture where you weren't supposed to talk at meals. To me meals are times during the day, or evening to connect -be it over food or our days, or things that we have learned that day. I will invariably start attempt to have a conversation with him, and he will invariably withdraw into silently chomping his food.
He also has a habit of banging cutlery against his teeth all the time.
I keep pointing it out to him "oh you did that think with the fork and teeth again", which then makes him act "all careful" to avoid this happening again. He obviously tenses up. But banging a fork right into his front teeth over and over again is not good for his teeth. I care enough to not want it to happen. I wish he could just treat me saying this as a normal thing, and not something to be tense about? I am not criticising him, I am literally pointing it out, out of care.
Also.. he is not a great cook. Again, he has a very utilitarian approach to food.- I think he eats as fuel. Which I think many people have.
Most of the time he cooks something it is ok. But on occasion it is a bit unpleasant. I still eat it, but I will be a bit more fussy - eg taking parts of the food that I find hard to swallow to the side, etc.
Today it was mushrooms fried together with eggs in a scramble, with left- over veggie sausage from yesterday. I can usually eat the eggs with mushrooms when he normally makes them, that's why I said to make some for me, when he offered. They tend to be fine. But today they were really overdone and gray, and the added gray warm veggie sausage was just too much for me, I had too take it out. He did not say untying about the sausage at the start - if he did I would have told him to cook it separately.
Eggs are something that can be gross if not done well, and unfortunately I am one of these people who feel that way, despite being able to eat most things generally.
This, combined with my husband just slowly and carefully sitting there and tensely eating his food, just made me walk out. Not in anger... just out of finding it all so sad and unpleasant. Like, c'mon... insisting on silently eating a pile of gray food, whilst banging your teeth with a fork over and over again, is like something out of a Franzen novel.
When we aren't eating, we can just hangout in the same space and talk or not talk, and he acts normally and relaxed, but meals have become this tense minefield. I am so tired of sitting in silence, unless I carry the conversation.
I have decided that it is probably best that we just don't eat together.
I will still cook for us, just not eat at the same time, because I really can't stand these silent meals, where he isn't relaxed just kind of acting like a kid in school, eating in front of a teacher.
And.. he is putting me unwittingly in the role of a teacher, but that is probably something for him to unpack in therapy, rather than for me to push for normal meal experience with him.
Is this a bad way to approach it? Like.. am I going to make it worse?
He thinks it is ok that we don't eat together, but I am reluctant to fully follow through with it, because it feels like further drifting apart.
But then- we are fine when we don't eat together, but our mood sours as soon as we sit down and it becomes this semi-formal, quiet occasion.
Urgh. With pervious partners, we enjoyed the food. And we either talked, or watched a film or a series together, it was fun and simple and without this awkwardness.
Here, there seems to be no enjoyment, just this utilitarian chomping down. UGH.
But other than that - my husband is a great partner. I would not want to be with another person, don't get me wrong. He is also apologetic about the way he is.
What do you think? Is giving up on trying to make these occasions more pleasant, and basically withdrawing from these situations, the right way to approach it? It will probably also mean not going to restaurants together, because it is the same thing there as well & instead going for other dates, such as galleries, which are perfectly fine etc.