I’m an awful heartless mum

[Loveagoodbargain21]

Don’t really know where to start. So it was my daughters prom - she’s 16. She asked if she could get dressed in her friends house. I said yes. Husband not keen just asked why did she have to get changed there? I say it’s cos she wants to be with her friends. I said we could get photos with her at the venue before she goes in. Only me bring me and my stupid ways decided to cook tea before we leave which then makes us so late we didn’t have much time to take photos. I’ve let everyone down. Husband says I have a heart of stone and I know he’s right but why the hell did I do that? Why didn’t I just leave early with plenty of time? Seriously doubting my ability to be a normal person. What’s the matter with me? I know I should have said to her get dressed at home then I could have taken her to her friends before the doo. I should have wanted to help her dress and do her makeup but as she’d asked to do it with her friends I didn’t want to let her down. Now I’ve let my husband die and myself as we don’t have any photos of her in her in her lovely dress at Home . Feel sick every day since thinking why did I do that? I just can’t be normal . A normal mum wouldn’t do that would they. Can’t fix it. Just getting more and more depressed every day . Just needed to talk to someone about it which is why I’m on here .

I think it's your DH at fault here, not you! It's perfectly normal to want to get ready with mates at her age, so why wasn't your DH keen?

It's only a prom, it's not her wedding, try and keep it in perspective, although I know that's prob difficult at the moment.

Is your DH usually supportive or frequently making comments like 'heart of stone'

Oh, wow. You're giving yourself far too much grief over this. Please stop
This is the kind of thing we'd be annoyed at ourselves for, for a short space of time. And then we'd move on. You're focusing on it probably because of an existing depression. Not helped by everyone else giving you a hard time.
Go easy on yourself. The only thing that's matters is that your daughter had a lovely time.

You did what your daughter wanted on her special day, that's the most important thing.
If your husband was so keen on getting photos then he should have left the dinner and gone to the venue earlier. Or her friends house and taken photos when she was leaving.
Was your daughter happy with her day?? If so that's all that really matters.

Gently, I’m not sure the prom is the main issue here. Have you been diagnosed with depression - spoken to a GP?

But you'll have photos of her dressed up though? Why does it matter if they're at home or not? Why is your husband being so bonkers?

Blimey. Is this real? It reads like you are the 16yo and this is a reverse!

I actually feel quite teary reading your post
You must stop beating yourself up !!
Do you suffer with anxiety ? I do and I quite often end up in similar situations, I think I can do such and such I'm whizzing around etc but end up late. I'm sure it's anxiety related.
You don't have a heart of stone, you need a cuddle,

I didn’t see my DS go to his prom. A few of them booked a hotel and got ready there.
I only saw a picture of him in his suit on the school website !
Relax - you’re not a bad mum at all.

I don't understand why you couldn't leave your dinner if you wanted photos but it sounds like there are much bigger issues going on. Is your husband generally a dick? He could have gone and taken photos if he wanted to.

You clearly don't have a heart of stone. It reads that you feel things very deeply.

Normal people get distracted, they do the wrong thing at the wrong time, they drop things, they get confused, they make mistakes. What people with a healthy inner voice (and those in a healthy relationship) do is keep things in perspective, understand that the strength of their emotions might be unjustified and offer themselves (or their partners) compassion and understanding.

How would you life be different if you chose to love and forgive yourself?

You are being way too hard on yourself. There are nice photos of her at the event, I assume? Or at her friends' house after she had finished getting ready? Why do you need one of her in your house?

Secondly, so cooking tea overran - big deal. It happens. Presumably if your DH had been that bothered about getting these photos at the venue, he could have gone whilst you finished cooking, or vice versa.

Husband says I have a heart of stone
You do realise this is a wildly disproportionate comment to make about a fairly minor mix-up in the grand scheme of things?

Seriously doubting my ability to be a normal person. What’s the matter with me?
Literally nothing. It could have happened to any of us.

Who is it who is undermining your self-esteem so badly, that you seem to think the world is ending because your DD got to do what she wanted before the prom and you don't have one particular type of photo as a result? Is it you? Or is it your DH? Who describes what you do as 'you and your stupid ways'?

A mum who puts everyone before herself?

A mum who makes dinner for her family?

A mum who wants her daughter to be happy?

You sound like a wonderful person and mother.

Your husband sounds like a tosser though. Has he just sucked all the confidence out of you or something?

I feel like your husband might be influencing how you feel here. I know my ex had a way of making me feel like I’d committed the most terrible faux pas when actually I’d done nothing wrong at all.

I would consider myself to be an okay mum but I am not one to photograph everything. My eldest went to a friend's and put on a dress I did not even know she had. I only have a photo that she sent me. I was away when my son had prom a few weeks ago and your list made me realise that I don't even know what he looked like on the night. I will have to ask if anyone took photos because it had not crossed my mind. Our brains absorb all these expectations that we think we must do, but why??? Prom is a night out with school friends to celebrate leaving school. We don't need all the hype that comes with it.

When my dd had her prom all her friends came here to get dressed, shriek, put on make up, more shrieking...perfume spraying everywhere...that's what happens. They love that and that's what your dd wanted. Often the best part of the night. You were not a killjoy mom who expected her to get dressed at home so you could be part of it...you are fine. Forget about it now. Your dd probably has loads of pictures once she recovers from her big night. Maybe get one printed and put it in a frame.

DH just wanted her to get dressed at home so we could have photos of our family altogether with DD dressed up.then we could have take. Her to her mates. we generally don’t take many photos of anything but this was a special night. we only have one car so had to go together. When we got to the venue it was so busy - literally a traffic jam up the driveway- we had to take turns driving the car up the driveway while the other ran up to get photos then swap over. But DH left his phone in the car by mistake so he couldn’t get a photo. So I have a pic with DD and our other younger daughter but he didn’t get one. This is a huge part of the problem- I should have got out of the car and ran up the drive with his phone so he could get a pic.
I do actually feel overwhelmed with life in general and so many of you have hit the nail on the head- I do feel like everything gets on top of me . Stressed and my brain never switches off. I’m struggling to cope. I work full time , but am also doing distance learning accountancy course do I can get a better job , which takes evenings up at home as I study til say 10 or 11pm weekdays. My job role has increased as people in my office have left. I have the normal mum stuff to do :lists all the time and feel like it’s all too much sometimes. DH is a hot head but generally supportive and does love me. He always says I do things in a rush- trying to fit in so many things. Always tells me just to do one thing at a time. Blames me though for not organising things properly. So from now on I’ll get him to arrange everything. Then I can’t get it wrong can I?

Hug.

Know what I’d do? I’d get a professional family photo session booked and paid for

You did nothing wrong.

It does sound like there's a lot going on here OP.

One thing that does leap out at me though is what you've said DH wanted about pictures with with family and didn't want her to get ready with her friends. I'm probably projecting here, based on what my own mum was like. But your DD prom was an event for her, not her family. She wanted to do her own thing, get ready at her mates etc. It wasn't really for DH or you or the rest of the family. My mum used to make every occasion about her and the family and I hated it. We could never do what we wanted to on big occasions for ourselves. It was that bad she moaned all the way through my sisters wedding because the photographer didn't take enough pictures of the family all together. (There were plenty BTW).

You both need to accept your DD is growing up and will want to do her own thing without you both there.

"But DH left his phone in the car by mistake"

So how is that your fault? I'm hearing a lot of blame from him, and you are apparently just accepting that. HE left his phone in the car. HE should have ran back and got it.

It's also very weird that he wanted to Rob your DD of the fun of getting ready with her mates. Just so that he could get a photo of the whole family. Which he could get literally anytime (unless her outfit was rented?)

Is he a bit of a competitive instagrammer? Humble bragger?

And why are you working full time, studying part time, and doing what sounds like the lions share of the household stuff? You are studying to improve the family's future - if he sees your marriage as a team then he should be stepping up and taking the burden off you. Not shaking his head at you trying to do everything and telling you "be more organised".

Jesus I've never met him but I feel like flicking one of my cats turds at him!

Did your daughter enjoy her prom? Did she like being with her friends? That's all that really matters, surely? Ask her for a photo (trust me, she and her friends will have dozens!) and move on.

How could you have left the car to run up the drive with his phone? Surely the queue of traffic was moving slowly but constantly and you were driving it? How is him leaving his phone in the car a huge part of the problem or you trying to do too many things at once? Indeed, you driving the car and trying to run up the drive with the phone would have been yet another example of you trying to do too many things at once.

What's his solution to the problem of how overwhelmed you are by everything you have to do? (Clue: it involves him doing more, not you doing more).

Why not explain to your daughter and ask her to dress up in her prom dress, hair n make up etc and your little daughter to dress up too and cook a special meal for your DH n he can snap away.

Your pain and upset is obvious and it might be nice family thing to do together (although I think he’s been a right dick to be so miserable about something that should be about your daughters fun n enjoyment not his)

Not gonna jump on the whole trains of folk you'll get on here finding any reason at all thta it should be your hubby's fault. However, it was aslight cock up, no one died and you are putting yourself through far too much negativity for something that's a ' would have liked' rather than 'world ended'.
It feels like you are taking much too much responsibility on yourself, juggling so many life balls, so no wonder one dropped.
Is there a back story? Do you feel guilty about things in general? I genuinely think make some time for yourself and some self esteem and learn how to deal with things with stuff goes not to plan. Once you get a handle on that, if your hubby is putting on u u needlessly, you'll be able to address that.
Just give yourself a break woman, you're not a superhuman

and cook a special meal for your DH n he can snap away.

Oh yes. Always reward dickish behaviour.

This is a huge part of the problem- I should have got out of the car and ran up the drive with his phone so he could get a pic.

What? How on earth have you made him forgetting his phone into your fault.

Your DD wanted to get dressed and have fun with her friends. It was her night, not yours or your husband’s night. Relax! It’s really not worth a single thought.

You must stop allowing your husband to blame you for things that are not your fault. You’re starting to believe it. Negativity is toxic. Use your voice - say “No, that’s not fair. You’ve upset me. I’m trying my best.”