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Original poster

I’m an awful heartless mum

89 replies

Loveagoodbargain21 · 13/08/2021 08:54

Don’t really know where to start. So it was my daughters prom - she’s 16. She asked if she could get dressed in her friends house. I said yes. Husband not keen just asked why did she have to get changed there? I say it’s cos she wants to be with her friends. I said we could get photos with her at the venue before she goes in. Only me bring me and my stupid ways decided to cook tea before we leave which then makes us so late we didn’t have much time to take photos. I’ve let everyone down. Husband says I have a heart of stone and I know he’s right but why the hell did I do that? Why didn’t I just leave early with plenty of time? Seriously doubting my ability to be a normal person. What’s the matter with me? I know I should have said to her get dressed at home then I could have taken her to her friends before the doo. I should have wanted to help her dress and do her makeup but as she’d asked to do it with her friends I didn’t want to let her down. Now I’ve let my husband die and myself as we don’t have any photos of her in her in her lovely dress at Home . Feel sick every day since thinking why did I do that? I just can’t be normal . A normal mum wouldn’t do that would they. Can’t fix it. Just getting more and more depressed every day . Just needed to talk to someone about it which is why I’m on here .

OP posts:

movinghelprequired · 13/08/2021 18:01

I could easily have done that op. I'd be annoyed with myself but only momentarily. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Flyinggeese1 · 13/08/2021 18:38

OP it’s concerning that your husband would rather spoil the fun of the girls all getting ready together in favour of him getting a photo. That is bizarre and completely out of order, he just sounds deranged!

This is NOT your fault!

aerosocks · 13/08/2021 18:42

I have one photo of my dd in her Y11 prom dress. One. And that was taken at the venue by some official photographer.

Neither she, her dad or I are the slightest bit bothered that we don't have photos of her here before she set off. It really is a non-issue.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 13/08/2021 18:48

What an absolute twat your partner is for making you feel like this! Your daughter will take plenty of photos during the night I'm sure. Have a glass of wine and tell your partner to fuck off and not forget his phone for his previous picture!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/08/2021 18:50

A normal mum wouldn’t do that would they.

Yes they would. Mistakes, confusions and cock-ups are normal parts of life. Either you are an extreme perfectionist or someone else around you is putting a lot of pressure on you to make everything "just so". Or both.

What's all this bollocks about "heart of stone"? You wanted DD to have a nice time getting dressed with her friends, you wanted everyone to have something to eat, you wanted yourself and DH to have the opportunity to take pictures. You wanted the best for everyone.

DH left his phone in the car by mistake so he couldn’t get a photo.

So he made a mistake as well, then why doesn't he say that he has a heart of stone and that he is incapable of organising things properly?

Is something wrong with your DH? He seems to like having everything his own way and putting you down.

Whitewolf2 · 13/08/2021 19:14

Why is it all your fault (not that I think there was any real fault here) and not your husbands? Is he not an adult who can make his own decisions and leave somewhere when he wants to and remember his own phone? Does he always blame everything on you?

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2021 19:20

Woah OP, kindly, you are dramatizing this way too much in your head. Are there photos of her not at home, at her prom? I'd have thought so. Why is it so imperative you have photos at your house? I really wouldn't overthink this like you currently are.

NavigationCentral · 13/08/2021 19:22

This isn’t about the prom. At all.

It’s about your sense of self, your self esteem, and your mental health.

Engaging with the subject matter of the prom is neither here nor there - despite PP’s comments.

OP- would you consider self referring to your local IAPTs services? Many counties offer online counselling and CBT sessions which avoid GP visits and NHS waiting times. All free. Please google Mind Matters/IAPTs + name of your county.

Crimeismymiddlename · 13/08/2021 19:49

Please don’t beat yourself up about this, you are not stupid or horrible or selfish nor have you robbed your husband of special memories-he is the one that forgot his phone.
It would have been really sad for your daughter to get ready on her own-much better with her pals, it would have been a real shame not to let her just to get a few photos.
If sounds like you have too much on your plate and your husband has blown a tiny thing out of all proportion to make you feel bad.
I bet your daughter is fine with the lack of photos at home and at the venue-she probably has hundreds, she would also probably be really upset to know what a state you have gotten in over this. Please consider going to the doctors for a blood test and a chat.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 13/08/2021 19:54

Get your dd to wear her dress and shoes and have a photo shoot at home.
My dd got ready with new friends but allowed me to take a pic ahead of the day at home.

User5827372728 · 13/08/2021 20:05

I missed my sons first sports day as I got the day wrong! I was heartbroken, he didn’t realise

thecatsarecrazy · 13/08/2021 20:08

You don't have a heart of stone. My mum took me to the hair dressers, but I never got a nice dress. I was dressed like a 30 year old going for a job interview. As for pictures, she wasn't interested. I stopped at hers on the way and she asked if I had her skirt because she wanted it for a night out. I forgot it and she had the hump with me.

BadMotherLover · 13/08/2021 20:55

Is this a reverse?

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/08/2021 21:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Imcatmum · 13/08/2021 21:13

Sounds like someone's done a number on you OP. Your DP doesn't sound like a gem to be honest so maybe it's him picking away at your self esteem, or maybe someone before him. But someone has definitely done a number on you.

The prom stuff is no big deal. I would bet money that someone made it difficult for you to be perfectly on time?

If it's hard to understand who the baddie is here, it will be the person who commented and made you feel bad for being late.

cariadlet · 13/08/2021 21:29

Total overreaction.

Dd had her prom 2 years ago and I've got no photos.

She'd booked appointments to have her hair and eyelashes done. Things overran. She got home feeling stressed. Got changed in record time, gave us a quick twirl and told dp that he had to take her NOW.

They drove off before I'd had time to process anything. Never thought to ask dp to take a couple of photos once they'd reached the venue, dd had met up with her friends and calmed down. I don't know if he took his phone with him but if he did, he didn't think about taking photos.

It would be nice to have a couple of pictures but dd had a great evening and that's what was really important. I'm sure your dd had a great evening too. Stop beating yourself up about something that doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things.

Original poster

Loveagoodbargain21 · 13/08/2021 22:16

Thanks everyone for your kindness and supportive messages. Yes, thank you, DD had a great night with her friends. DH is talking to me now so perhaps it’s all water under the bridge. Still tempted to not organise anything ever again….

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 14/08/2021 19:26

In a week there will be no more talk of Prom and your dd will be on to the next thing. That's the nature of teens. Just try and take some time to chill tomorrow. Maybe get a takeaway. See if dd has photos on her phone to show you.

wishywashy6 · 14/08/2021 20:04

It was HER special night, not yours or your husbands.
She wanted to get ready with her friends, as any teenager would, and you allowed her to do that.
Your husband sounds a bit bonkers.

Did your DD have a good time? Is she bothered that she didn't have any photos at home? I doubt it.
I got ready for prom with my friends at one of their houses, the only footage I have of it is a really dodgy vhs copy of the video someone did on a camcorder and I feature for about 0.3 seconds. I couldn't care less, I'm sure I had a great time but as I sit here as a 39 year old - it really wasn't that big a deal!
Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't let your husband make you feel so shit. He sounds a bit of a prat tbh.

2catsandhappy · 14/08/2021 20:18

Nice update. Your plan to leave dh to organize stuff is a great plan.

cariadlet · 14/08/2021 20:44

Glad you're feeling better now and that your dd had a good time with her friends which is the most important thing.

Sittingonabench · 14/08/2021 21:46

Aw please don’t be blaming yourself. Your daughter wanted to enjoy getting ready for her prom with her friends, laughing and singing and talking about who will be there and getting excited. You likely did want to be involved but her wants in this instance trumped yours and your husbands. Photos are great but if they get in the way of experience are they really worth it? I think you did the right thing by your daughter and you DH is being selfish - it wasn’t about him or you it was about your daughter. As for making people food before you left… how strange it is that you have framed this as anything other than considerate and caring. There is no fault here but I am concerned that you framing it this way is a result of you living under some unrealistic and twisted pressure/expectations. Maybe you don’t want to get into that but please see if you can recognise controlling behaviour in your relationship and get help if you need it.

mswales · 14/08/2021 21:57

So worried about your mental health and how your husband treats you OP. You sound like a really lovely person and wonderful mum who has really bad anxiety and low self esteem and a partner who denigrates you. I think it would be great if you could talk to your GP. Good luck x

CordeliasPencil · 14/08/2021 21:58

This isn't a big deal at all. In our day (most of us here i'd imagine!) we didn't have prom - it's an American thing that's made it's way over here. But that's not the point. The point is that you're beating yourself up something rotten about this and have convinced yourself, because of your "D"H's incredibly bizarre blame games that you're somehow a bad mum.

You're not. No way. Even if you had no photos at all - if your DD enjoyed her prom that's all that matters. Hopefully she has some photos of her own so she can remember it. It's not a very 'family photo' kind of event is it - she's all dressed up but the rest of you aren't - so put it to the back of your mind and as other PPs have said - why don't you arrange a family photo shoot where you can all wear something special and have a much more chilled time getting them done.

There's always people on fb in your local area and some do some lovely shoots, such as in fields of wildflowers and stuff. We had some done with our first and then our first and second and they were lovely and not too pricey.

Most of all your posts just sound so anxious and depressed the way you wrote them, just pulling yourself apart for your 'failings " (which are not failings at all!!!!!). You've identified that you might be struggling and I don't think your DHs attitude is helping either. But you might want to speak to your GP if this is a regular occurrence that you feel this bad as it must be horrible to feel this hard on yourself.

Be kind to yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

poppymaewrite · 15/08/2021 00:11

You husband was in thw wrong to say that you have a heart of stone. I was an accident on your part, you didn't want to be late. I think your husband knows that you can be guilted easily, and he enjoys saying things that make you feel upset. That's very manipulative of him.

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