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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m an awful heartless mum

89 replies

Loveagoodbargain21 · 13/08/2021 08:54

Don’t really know where to start. So it was my daughters prom - she’s 16. She asked if she could get dressed in her friends house. I said yes. Husband not keen just asked why did she have to get changed there? I say it’s cos she wants to be with her friends. I said we could get photos with her at the venue before she goes in. Only me bring me and my stupid ways decided to cook tea before we leave which then makes us so late we didn’t have much time to take photos. I’ve let everyone down. Husband says I have a heart of stone and I know he’s right but why the hell did I do that? Why didn’t I just leave early with plenty of time? Seriously doubting my ability to be a normal person. What’s the matter with me? I know I should have said to her get dressed at home then I could have taken her to her friends before the doo. I should have wanted to help her dress and do her makeup but as she’d asked to do it with her friends I didn’t want to let her down. Now I’ve let my husband die and myself as we don’t have any photos of her in her in her lovely dress at Home . Feel sick every day since thinking why did I do that? I just can’t be normal . A normal mum wouldn’t do that would they. Can’t fix it. Just getting more and more depressed every day . Just needed to talk to someone about it which is why I’m on here .

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 10:05

And photos on one person’s phone can be sent to another person’s phone. Your DD will have loads, as a PP says. You got some photos. It’s OK. If anyone thinks it isn’t they’re making a fuss about nothing, truly.

Bollindger · 13/08/2021 10:07

This is really easy to fix.
Tell DD dad would have loved a photo of you all dressed up, arrange a day and do a photo shoot at home.

SixesAndEights · 13/08/2021 10:08

Husband not keen just asked why did she have to get changed there?

Because it's her prom and that's what she wanted.

Husband says I have a heart of stone

Your husband is being ridiculous.

Now I’ve let my husband down

No you haven't. Please start to think why you have this belief.

DH left his phone in the car by mistake so he couldn’t get a photo

That's his fault.

I should have got out of the car and ran up the drive with his phone so he could get a pic

That's what he said I expect.

He always says I do things in a rush

Yet he's the one who left his phone behind.

Blames me though for not organising things properly

So everything is your fault. (And he's still the one who forgot his own phone.)

DH is a hot head but generally supportive and does love me

Really? He sounds like a controlling arse to me.

@pinkflask said "I feel like your husband might be influencing how you feel here. I know my ex had a way of making me feel like I’d committed the most terrible faux pas when actually I’d done nothing wrong at all."

I agree. He doesn't sound supportive at all, more like he blames you for everything and himself for nothing.

Lanique · 13/08/2021 10:12

You have a dh problem OP. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

DragonWillow · 13/08/2021 10:15

Dress her up again at home & take pictures, she'd probably love this as well

ZZGirl · 13/08/2021 10:16

Why don't you create a second prom in your garden? A family prom. Your daughter can get dressed up, you all could. Get some balloons, make some punch and reenact it.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 13/08/2021 10:21

You are a lovely mum with the best of intentions. Your husband's phone is not your problem. The traffic, the frantic rush, your daughter wanting to get ready with her friends...these things are all not your fault. You were there! She had a nice night with her friends. That's what counts. Don't ruin the memories with regrets.

SixesAndEights · 13/08/2021 10:22

@ZZGirl

Why don't you create a second prom in your garden? A family prom. Your daughter can get dressed up, you all could. Get some balloons, make some punch and reenact it.
Perhaps OP's husband could organise this since OP seems quite busy enough trying to juggle everything else. Hmm
toolazytothinkofausername · 13/08/2021 10:26

I am failing to understand why you needed to take the photos.

They are teenagers. Teenagers have cameras on their smart phones. Teenagers can share images via an app called WhatsApp. You can download WhatsApp and have the images shared to you.

I feel like mentally you may have other issues going on. And FFS LTB for saying you have a heart of stone!

DappledThings · 13/08/2021 10:27

Nothing you have said suggests your daughter is in any way unhappy with how things went and that's all that matters.

Your DH is being really weird about a couple of photos at an event that isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Prom really isn't a big life event.

I should have wanted to help her dress and do her makeup
Why should you? My DD is only 3 now so prom is a long way away but I have barely a clue how to do make-up on myself and certainly no idea about how to help anyone else do it. I don't imagine I'll feel guilty about that in 13 years time either. She wanted to do her make-up with her mates, no reason you need to be involved or fele bad for not being.

ShitShop · 13/08/2021 10:33

Don’t beat yourself up - it sounds like you did everything you could and your H forgetting his phone meant that he didn’t get a pic of her, that’s on him. There will be loads of photos that her and her friends have taken on the night, and most likely professional ones too.

I mean this gently - The night wasn’t about you and your family. It was about her and her friends. Getting ready with her friends is a rite of passage. Forcing her to miss out on that excitement so that she could be photo ready with you and her dad instead of enjoying the fun of doing each other’s hair and nails etc would have totally missed the point. Prom is a celebration of the end of an era for her and her friends. A chance to have some fun after the year they’ve had. It’s not an opportunity for a Facebook #prouddad moment and your H needs to get over himself if he thinks that his hurty feels are the most important thing about that night!

ShitShop · 13/08/2021 10:38

He always says I do things in a rush- trying to fit in so many things. Always tells me just to do one thing at a time. Blames me though for not organising things properly. So from now on I’ll get him to arrange everything. Then I can’t get it wrong can I?

Please do this!!

OaxacaChihuahua · 13/08/2021 10:46

OP you are being WAY too hard on yourself. This is, at most, a minor organisational blip. It’s certainly not a moral failing or an indication that you’re a bad mum. You’re a good mum for facilitating what your daughter wanted - you would have been much worse insisting she got ready at home for your benefit when she wanted to have fun with friends.

This sounds like some combination of anxiety and depression talking. You’re catastrophosing a really minor event.

PegasusReturns · 13/08/2021 10:54

Your DH sounds horrible.

It was your DDs prom and it sounds like she had the experience she wanted. Why on earth should your DH wish for photos take precedence over DDs wish to have fun.

As for the time you left, presumably you did not tie DH to the chair and not allow him to leave until he’d eaten? And leaving the phone in the car was his fault.

CaptSkippy · 13/08/2021 10:57

OP, I find your attitude toward your own actions really concerning. It's like you are trying so hard to make everyone but yourself happy. And when things don't turn out as planned or someone else makes a mistake you take all the blame whether you had control over the situation or not.

What is going on? Why do you feel the need to carry the weight of the world, or in this case the whole family, on your shoulders?

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 10:59

So sorry but your husband sounds horrible.

Famousinlove · 13/08/2021 11:13

If your DH is so desperate for a picture of him and DD, she could literally put her dress on again and go to the venue and take a picture with him.

I don't have a relationship with my mum so i got ready on my own, hated my hair and make up and don't have/want any pictures from my prom, it's not the end of the world

Sakurami · 13/08/2021 11:24

Jesus woman. My eldest wanted to get ready at his mates and get to the prom in his friend's mum's car as her car is cooler than mine. I just went there and took pics of him there.

Sakurami · 13/08/2021 11:24

By there I mean the venue

jobbeedancer · 13/08/2021 11:35

Put the dress on again and have a photo shoot day

Christmasfairy2020 · 13/08/2021 11:38

At my prom years ago. I got ready at friends and we took pics. I would have cried in embarrassment if my mum was at prom. We also had a limo there.

PenguinIce · 13/08/2021 11:59

Whilst photos are nice to have I don’t think they are more important than your dd having a nice time. If you had kept her home she would have been miserable about the fact she wasn’t with her friends.......who would want a photo of that! The most important thing is your dd had a good time. Oh, and your dh sounds like a twat!

megletthesecond · 13/08/2021 12:11

You don't have a problem Flowers. It's your DH with a problem here. He comes over as controlling and leaving everything to you.

Tablow · 13/08/2021 12:16

Put a call out to her friends for some photos of the dance, these are far better than awkward staged shots around the mantlepiece.

In my day this was just a disco and my parents wouldn't have even considered taking photos.

Maydaybankholiday · 13/08/2021 12:19

You let your daughter be with her friends and get ready like a grown up. You sound like a great mum to me.
Your husband sounds like a dick though

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