Husband says we are sexually incompatible

[Juniper27]

Just that really. Has anyone been through something like this? I think it's going to be the end of my marriage. Feel really low.

I've never had a high sex drive. I am a CSA survivor. It's been worse since I had my baby - traumatic birth and PND. We haven't had sex since baby was born 13 months ago. I can't even 'make' myself do it anymore - just zero interest and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I thought it was just tiredness but baby sleeps pretty well these days, although still don't get much time to myself for obvious reasons. Don't really feel like myself still, just a Mum.

I very occasionally have sexual thoughts but on the whole very very fleeting. It's like that part of me has just died. For example I recently downloaded a new audio book and there's quite a bit of sex in it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I had to stop listening. I was never like that before - it might not have particularly interested me but it wouldn't have made me so awkward that I would have to turn it off. It's happening with any hint of romance in TV etc too.

My husband has been pretty reasonable with me about it. Like he hasn't pressured me or anything like that. But he's told me he can't see how we can last like this and that it was a problem even before we had a baby / got married I never thought it was like that. Oh I feel so sad and don't know what to do.

What would you like to happen and how do you envisage your relationship continuing? Have you had any counselling to address your past trauma?

Your DH seems to have been decent about it and you’ve definitely had a lot to cope with (CSA, PND etc) but it doesn’t sound realistic for you both to stay in a sexless marriage. Of course you shouldn’t have sex with him if you don’t want to but equally he is entitled to leave and look for a more sexually fulfilling relationship.

@BustyDusty

Well he sounds charming. Not.

Buy a rabbit (big pink one) anjd some KY and tell him to sleep on the sofa.

Yup. Poor love needs to get sex elsewhere as his needs must be met.

OP - Tell him that if he pays you a huge amount in maintenance each month he's free to go.

Does he do his own ironing? What sort of salary is he on? He sounds very weak.

The previous post is very reasonable and it's a sad situation. If you don't want the marriage to end, which you clearly don't, you both need to actively do something about it. The obvious thing is counselling, each of you individually and together. You need help you get past your experiences, he needs help to know what you need and you both need help to listen to each other. I hope you can because you both sound like thoroughly decent people. Please act, you can sort this out!

Why do you think he should be prepared to stay indefinitely in a sexless marriage and where the hell did the weak comment come from @BustyDusty?

And why does it matter what his salary is? You seem to have issues and are projecting massively.

When I said previous I did NOT mean @BustyDusty who seems determined to make a man who misses a sexual relationship with his wife after more than 13 months into an ogre on the basis of zero information

@BustyDustybloody hell, you sound like a horrible, bitter person. He is entitled to a sex life as much as the OP is entitled to not have sex.

The husband is not a bad person for communicating his concerns about the marriage.

@BustyDusty you really have no idea what you're talking about and I would rather you stop replying.

Suspect the the bonkers poster is either bitter, projecting, drunk or all three.

OP - its good that your dh is discussing it with you. You have identified that there is an issue and you seem to want to keep your relationship. Please explore counselling and ways you can work through your past trauma. There are no quick fixes but you both deserve to have a happy fulfilling relationship.

@pog100 thank you for your kindness. I know I should speak to sineone but honestly I'm so embarrassed.

Sounds like BustyDusty is projecting her own dislike of men, or anyone who is not willing to endure a sexless marriage .
Although your DH noticed you had a lower drive before marriage and DC, it's quite possible that he compromised on that because he loved other things about you, however, no sex at all is understandably a step too far for most people, man or woman.
If you love him, and you want to stay with him, your best chance would be to show him that you are willing to look into improving the situation by accessing all available counseling. Inactivity to rectify will kill the marriage off, but if he knows you are trying to address the issue, it can't hurt, it may bide you some time too. I found after 2 years I felt less mumsy and was keen to get my identity back.

I wonder if becoming a parent has brought up residual distress from your previous CSA? Would you consider counselling - by yourself to address your current discomfort around sex (ie what you mentioned about not even wanting to hear it in the audiobook), and then also as a couple, to help you both work on your relationship, assuming you want to stay together.

[quote Neotraditional]@BustyDustybloody hell, you sound like a horrible, bitter person. He is entitled to a sex life as much as the OP is entitled to not have sex.[/quote]
In sickness and in health.
Unless the wife doesn't give out?
Bollocks to that.

@Juniper27 are you breastfeeding by any chance ? As that will affect your sex drive massively. I have no desire when feeding and once I stopped the first time it came back to normal levels, although it was still affected by other things, which don't seem to affect men as much
Like mental load of motherhood, life, the pile of dirty washing.

@BustyDusty your assessment of him is so wrong, he isn't like that at all. Please stop replying you're making me feel worse.

@BustyDusty. No one needs to stay in a sexless marriage - man or woman.

The OP has said she doesn’t appreciate your shitty advice or take on the situation either. Not sure what has made you such a bitter person but it leaps out from every post.

@fuzzymoomin that could be part of it. I've had other things happen this year, including my abuser dying. So I think it has stirred everything up

@BustyDusty go to bed dear, you are embarrassing yourself. Most people would say bollocks to a sexless marriage, man or woman, and they have every right to. You are contributing nothing but your hatred and bitterness to the thread - read the room and leave.

@Juniper27 I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through and hope you and your husband can find a way to make things work. Counselling would be the best way to start, you’ve been through a lot. Your husband sounds like a decent man too.

@Juniper27 Your abusing dying would certainly trigger some nasty emotions. I really recommend it, it might feel awkward now but it's really worthwhile pursuing. I've been in a similar situation. I thought I would feel relieved when my abuser died but it actually sent me on a downward spiral. And I realised (through counselling!) that as long as he was alive he was the focus in my mind of all my anger, pain, resentment, and once he had died I was left with those emotions but nowhere to direct them to except back into myself. You deserve to feel good about yourself and have a nice life. Just take one step towards it by asking your GP for a counselling referral or google one and try it online instead.

Is CSA related to sexual abuse? Sorry to ask.