Husband says we are sexually incompatible

[Juniper27]

Just that really. Has anyone been through something like this? I think it's going to be the end of my marriage. Feel really low.

I've never had a high sex drive. I am a CSA survivor. It's been worse since I had my baby - traumatic birth and PND. We haven't had sex since baby was born 13 months ago. I can't even 'make' myself do it anymore - just zero interest and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I thought it was just tiredness but baby sleeps pretty well these days, although still don't get much time to myself for obvious reasons. Don't really feel like myself still, just a Mum.

I very occasionally have sexual thoughts but on the whole very very fleeting. It's like that part of me has just died. For example I recently downloaded a new audio book and there's quite a bit of sex in it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I had to stop listening. I was never like that before - it might not have particularly interested me but it wouldn't have made me so awkward that I would have to turn it off. It's happening with any hint of romance in TV etc too.

My husband has been pretty reasonable with me about it. Like he hasn't pressured me or anything like that. But he's told me he can't see how we can last like this and that it was a problem even before we had a baby / got married I never thought it was like that. Oh I feel so sad and don't know what to do.

@BustyDusty

Well he sounds charming. Not.

Buy a rabbit (big pink one) anjd some KY and tell him to sleep on the sofa.

Try being in a relationship where your partner has zero sexual interest in you before making such an uneducated statement.

My wonderful sister is dying. It's a slow and painful road. She has multiple sclerosis. She was diagnosed 23 years ago.

She married when she was in her twenties and she and her husband have five children together - two now married, one with her own baby. They are all in their twenties/thirties and love her to pieces. They are fantastic.

My sister can't walk and her speech is slow and slurred. She has had a catheter for a very long time. She has hoists and standers. She is paralysed. She misses her old life and wails sometimes.

Her husband, my lovely Brother-in-law, has adapted their house and takes care of her 24/7. He has adapted their car, built an extension so she can wheel around.

His life and future have been dramatically altered.

He is a good man. He takes care of the wonderful woman he married.

In sickness and in health.

@BustyDusty

Well he sounds charming. Not.

Buy a rabbit (big pink one) anjd some KY and tell him to sleep on the sofa.

Stupid reply

@BustyDusty

My wonderful sister is dying. It's a slow and painful road. She has multiple sclerosis. She was diagnosed 23 years ago.

She married when she was in her twenties and she and her husband have five children together - two now married, one with her own baby. They are all in their twenties/thirties and love her to pieces. They are fantastic.

My sister can't walk and her speech is slow and slurred. She has had a catheter for a very long time. She has hoists and standers. She is paralysed. She misses her old life and wails sometimes.

Her husband, my lovely Brother-in-law, has adapted their house and takes care of her 24/7. He has adapted their car, built an extension so she can wheel around.

His life and future have been dramatically altered.

He is a good man. He takes care of the wonderful woman he married.

In sickness and in health.

This is very sad and difficult for you but how is it relevant to the OP's problem

@BustyDusty where did I say he hasn't tired to look after me or supported me? Seriously. Fuck off.

Read the room @BustyDusty . Your sister's situation is tragic but irrelevant to this post, your comments are not welcome. Start your own post if you are looking for advice or support.

You said it plainly in your OP here:

he's told me he can't see how we can last like this and that it was a problem even before we had a baby / got married

Look after yourself and baby.
x

Juniper just ignore the troll.

Focus on everyone else and skip over those posts.

[quote Juniper27]@pog100 thank you for your kindness. I know I should speak to sineone but honestly I'm so embarrassed.[/quote]
But you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You were an innocent victim of something which is bound to have had effects on your approach to sex. Have you had any counselling for it or has it been kept hidden? This and the subsequent death are bound to be a major factor. Does your husband know about them? Honestly, love, you need to open up about these problems for your own good as well as for you marriage. Please do! And ignore @BustyDusty who seems to feel attacking your husband with irrelevant anecdotes about her sister is in some way helpful!

@BustyDusty I think when the OP has repeatedly said to you that your assessment is incorrect, that you’re making her feel worse and that she would like you to stop commenting you should respect her wishes. Your brother in law sounds lovely but the situation you describe is not the OP’s, and she’s made it clear that your views on her situation aren’t accurate or helpful. Try to put OP and her feelings ahead of your need to vent your feelings, and leave her be.

OP - I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve had so much to deal with, and I think it’s very natural that your abuser dying has stirred up lots of feelings which are making sex / intimacy a no go area for you.

I also agree that breastfeeding is likely playing a part here - it has totally shut down my sex drive too, and I understand that’s not uncommon.

You don’t have to rush to find a solution to this right away. Your husband loves you - if he’s a good person, and you say he is, he will understand that it’s not as simple as you just ‘fixing the problem’. But if you would like to take steps to address this area of your life, I would start with some counselling to work through your past trauma and the way it has been brought back up by the death of your abuser.

I hope you are ok, and that you’re able to find a way to move forward that makes you happy

Oh OP, it does sounds like you could do with some help to come to terms with your past. Perhaps having a child has sparked something off again that you had previously buried. It's such an emotional time and not uncommon.

And that suggestion is not to "fix yourself" so you can have sex with your DH per se. It's so you can feel happy, comfortable and relaxed in yourself and all aspects of all your relationships. Sex and intimacy are so important in a marriage, but it's the emotional and mental side to focus on, not particularly the physical manifestation (that will follow naturally afterwards, whereas the opposite isn't necessarily true)

It's always interesting to read these threads in reverse. Usually on MN it's women complaining that they aren't getting enough sex from their husbands and they told to leave because they deserve a more fulfilling sex life. Yet here you've got posters calling the man weak because he has basic sexual desires of his own.

Op you are not wrong to feel how you do. Nobody should be pressured into sex they don't want. But similarly your husband isn't wrong to want a healthy sex life. For many people it's a key part of their relationship. Is it something you feel like you could work on or do you picture yourself feeling like this forever?

It's a heartbreaking situation for you especially with a child involved but so is a breakup over any incompatibility.

@BustyDusty go away

God you’ve had some weird responses op. Just ignore them

The reality is he’s commented there is an issue in the marriage, he doesn’t wish to be in a celibate relationship. Right now that’s what you wish, albeit for very understandable reasons. Neither of you is wrong, but as he said you’re incompatible in this regard.

I don’t know if you need therapy or would consider it to come to terms with your child hood horrors, but it’s important that you listen to each other. You wish to be celibate. He doesn’t. You both need to see if there is anywhere to meet on that, if there isn’t then the relationship may be over, or you may look at an open relationship where he sees others whilst you remain in a friendship marriage.

It must be very difficult for you to open up but counselling would be good, not just for the sex part, but to process all that has happened to you.
If you want to save your marriage, you could try it 💐

Do you actually want sex? It’s not obligatory. If you’re not interested then you could let your DH go? Be on your own with no pressure? You might really enjoy that life. It’s fine to not be married. You don’t have to have sex. If you want to try and sort it out then you’ll have to seek help but I thought I’d voice that you are your own person and if it doesn’t work for you then that’s ok. You and your DH can be best friends who co parent

What a difficult situation. Your husband isn't wrong for wanting a sex life. And you aren't wrong for not wanting sex. Do you feel like it is something you could talk about with a sensitive therapist? Not with the aim of 'fixing' you but to help you process?
Could you let your husband have sexual relationships outside the marriage? It's not an easy option but it might work. It's risky though.

Sorry your thread is being detailed OP.
Do you and your DH have the funds for you to have some really good therapy (rather than nhs based which may not be enough or specialist enough). It’s not unusual for past trauma around csa to be triggered by childbirth; it’s not just the physical part of childbirth and the hormones but the added reality that you now have a child to protect when you had this experience as a child yourself. I’m not saying to have this therapy with the focus that it will make you interested in sex again but it might help to see whether that is an aim for you or if that’s not something you want again in the future.

*derailed I meant

I know I should speak to sineone but honestly I'm so embarrassed.

No reason to feel embarrassed, talk to your doctor, hopefully he/she can put you in touch with someone. Professionals deal with 'embarrassing' issues all the time. Even if your husband doesn't want to wait the issue wont go away on its own and will follow you into any new relationship unless you deal with it..

Just a thought, but perhaps you could look at being more intimate like just cuddling, being close, massages, pampering, foot rub etc. rather than jumping straight to the deed, it may help rebuild that connection

Do you think you may be asexual OP? If you are, then that is what you are. If you are not, then could this be a medical problem a GP could help with?

@54321nought I feel asexual at the moment but I don't think I can be given my past. I feel sad at the idea of never having a romantic relationship again so I don't think so, but I don't understand whats happened.

@BustyDusty

Well he sounds charming. Not.

Buy a rabbit (big pink one) anjd some KY and tell him to sleep on the sofa.

What a ridiculous response Is ops dh expected to stay in a sexless relationship indefinitely and to never raise the issue? It's funny how different the responses are on these threads are, when it's a women with a partner who doesn't want sex...

It’s not just a ludicrous post from the point of the husband but when someone posts they have no sexual or romantic feelings them advising them to wank off on the sofa is the most ludicrous answer I think most of us have had the misfortune to read.