Husband says we are sexually incompatible

[Juniper27]

Just that really. Has anyone been through something like this? I think it's going to be the end of my marriage. Feel really low.

I've never had a high sex drive. I am a CSA survivor. It's been worse since I had my baby - traumatic birth and PND. We haven't had sex since baby was born 13 months ago. I can't even 'make' myself do it anymore - just zero interest and feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I thought it was just tiredness but baby sleeps pretty well these days, although still don't get much time to myself for obvious reasons. Don't really feel like myself still, just a Mum.

I very occasionally have sexual thoughts but on the whole very very fleeting. It's like that part of me has just died. For example I recently downloaded a new audio book and there's quite a bit of sex in it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I had to stop listening. I was never like that before - it might not have particularly interested me but it wouldn't have made me so awkward that I would have to turn it off. It's happening with any hint of romance in TV etc too.

My husband has been pretty reasonable with me about it. Like he hasn't pressured me or anything like that. But he's told me he can't see how we can last like this and that it was a problem even before we had a baby / got married I never thought it was like that. Oh I feel so sad and don't know what to do.

@Snookie00 you've hit the nail on the head there! @BustyDusty is clearly projecting her own issues onto op, never helpful!

@Juniper27 I think there are a few issues here for you as a couple and I don’t think that any of them are impossible to solve or to tackle at least- if you both want to.
Your husband is focused on the sex. This is understandable one on hand if he has been thinking you don’t want it due to tiredness and then when you have more sleep you don’t want it. So he then feels unloved as to him sex is a declaration of love and some proof that you love him and he loves you. And he enjoys it and misses it and the intimacy with you. All that is fine and he isn’t a bad person to want that.
But if you’re breastfeeding there can be hormonal changes that make you less sexually interested- to help aid natural baby spacing from when contraception wasn’t available. So you and many other women can feel “meh” about sex at this point. Also in a similar way you’ve had a massive change to your life becoming “mummy” and mums aren’t sexy and your identity as mum is so intense and consuming. So you do need some me time and a chance to reconnect with yourself and the part of you that isn’t mummy. Again all normal and many many women experience this.
The CSA and your abuser dying- not so many people experience that but your reactions to this are also understandable and whatever you feel or don’t feel is okay. But you could do with support and a safe place to explore this with your husband too- as you may need his help to manage the issues rising up in the process. Or at least his understanding.
A good couple counsellor would be able to help. You don’t need sexual therapy unless you physically can’t have sex after all this trauma is explored. Somewhere like Relate would be a good start. And a good investment into your marriage. Maybe speak to your husband and see if he wants to work on the marriage as the sex would in all likelihood improve with the counselling helping you sort through the issues and you’d be closer emotionally which often allows you to feel that attention and allow intimacy. Just now you’re shut down on many levels for good reasons. Don’t feel bad about it, you’ve done nothing wrong.

These would be totally different responses the other way around. Though the troll bustydusty might have had a disproportionate effect in skewing things here

@Juniper27 can I ask how old are you? And are you on any medication/the pill etc?

I thought I was asexual in my mid 20s till around the age of 35. I’m definitely not I’ve discovered!

There’s hope I’m sure.

OP, I feel for you, and while I have nothing like your emotional past burden, I totally understand the situation. I am in it. My husband is beyond sweet and patient, but I know it gets him down, I think it makes him feel rejected, even though I love him so much. Please keep talking, I know it's helped us to understand each other. I also plucked up the courage to go to the dr and talk about total lack of libido amongst other things and she has been very understanding and helpful. I feel like it's a long road but with compromise on both sides we're determined to work it out, as, sexually incompatible or not, we don't want anyone else! It may be a long road, especially as you have extra trauma to process etc, but don't be afraid to seek help, the professionals don't bat a eyelid, it's what they're there for. Big hugs xx

Op. It sounds like a lot of things have combined for where you are.

I do think you sound like someone who would really benefit from counselling.

Having toddlers is exhausting too especially if not great sleepers. This does not induce desires if wanting to do anything but sleep in bed.

There is not a simplistic solution but counselling would help unpack it.

Also for your dh indicates you care enough to try.

Good luck op

OP, I'm really sorry to hear of your experiences. It must have been an upsetting conversation to have with your husband. Does he know about your past?

Me and my partner were completely sexless for years because of my past. I sought out therapy and over the last 18 months we have built up from kissing and cuddling to having enjoyable sex on a regular basis. Sometimes I get upset but it's getting rarer as we build trust again. I'm sure it was incredibly difficult for my partner in those sexless years but he knew I was working hard on making changes and saw how upset it was making me. He trusted me to move forward at my own pace and I hope your husband would be there for you too.

If you want to explore how your past is affecting you now then know that it is possible to heal and move forward. The choice here to do that though needs to come from you because it will feel much harder if you feel like you have to do this work because of the pressure to 'save' the relationship. So often we feel helpless. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can feel some compassion for yourself and for how far you've already come.

OP, I understand how hard this must be for you especially having birth trauma and PND.
I feel marriage counselling may help you both.
I don’t think the comments demonising your husband are very helpful at all. It is not unreasonable for him to express his longing for sex after over a year of not having it. Most people would struggle with this.
No one is at fault here, and it could be fixed.
Your post seems to have triggered people and they are responding to you based on their own projections which is very unhelpful to say the least.

I do agree with PP that he is entitled to want a sex life. I wouldn't want to live in a sexless marriage. Obviously your feelings and thoughts need to be considered too and you have been through a lot. Counselling sounds like a start.

As well as the CSA and the trigger of your abuser dying you said you feel like just a Mum and little time for yourself.

If you want things to change then it's likely to need both counselling for the CSA and finding you again, stepping out of being a Mum.

Are you meeting up with friends? Are you and your DH able to go out together as a couple? Have you returned to work?

You have a lot going on and IME if you don't have sad for a while with your partner then it becomes awkward and strange and the thought of having sex with them becomes weird as the dynamic has shifted from being lovers.

Sorry you're feeling so low OP. I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I am also a survivor of sexual abuse within the family. As a teenager and into my early 20s I was a total horndog, I used to throw a sickie at work so I could spend all day fucking my boyfriend. Then when I was about 25, my abuser tried to contact me via a 3rd party. And BOOM my libido disappeared completely. My partner at that time didn't really support me. He just got annoyed that I wouldn't have sex. I used to mollify him with a daily hand job or Blow job to stop him sulking. Lovely man 🙄

I left that relationship when I was 27 and got with my H. Things were completely different with him. He was also an abuse survivor (that's how we met, on a survivors forum) and knowing that he "got it" was such a huge relief. That he would be constantly checking in with me during sex - I found it very hard then to say "I'm not comfortable with this" so he would listen to my body language, if I tensed up or stopped making noises then he'd always ask "are you OK, do you want me to stop?" Up to that point I'd never had a man do that.

Counselling could make such a difference to your life. I went private and had 2 sessions a month to keep the cost doable. I interviewed about 3 before picking one who I really got on with. It is hard work and at first it might feel like it's making you feel worse, but in that respect it's like going to the gym - it's tiring and makes you ache, but you're building body strength. Counselling helps you build mental strength.

I'm wondering if the abuse you suffered was ever discussed at all in your family? In mine it was swept under the carpet, I was expected to live with my abuser and it was forbidden to mention it. That made it incredibly hard for me to say the words "rape" or "abuse" and was a huge barrier to me getting help. A big part of moving forward for me was being open with people - not blurting it out randomly (like starting a new job and saying "Hi I'm Furiosa, I've been in the industry 5 years and my dad used to rape me!") but if someone asked how I met my H, or if I was telling someone I was working on a website, I would say "my H and I run a self help website for survivors of sexual abuse and rape." And every time I did that, the wall of silence lost another brick. And today there's no wall.

God I feel like I've written a right essay, sorry! I hope some of it might help you. Feel free to PM me too.

I think realistically that he as a young man will not be happy with a sexless marriage in the long term .However 13 months is still quite young for a baby .If you are still BF that will impact a bit as well (Or have recently given up) If he is decent and kind then he will be willing to seek counselling together maybe? I dont understand why you married if he felt you were incompatible sexually though ? Many young women feel like you I think .The media makes us all feel we should be "At it" like Rabbits on heat ,with a short break for babies the Red hot Sex(Probably because run by older men) The truth is somewhat in between .Feel sexy say on date nights .Holidays and so on .Less so when surrounded by dirty washing and a pile of chores/work problems.!

I think @BustyDusty was making a fair point although in a heavy handed way.

Op is a CSA survivor, had a traumatic birth and PND, it would be surprising if she was still interested in sex.

I never had a particularly high sex drive but when my children were young, it was the last thing on my mind. Constant tiredness, breast feeding, you are in Mum zone and this makes you feel quite different to sexy zone. This doesn’t last forever but we me quite few years, I think it can depend on circumstances, how much break time and me time you get, I never got any.

But the main think is, ops DH reaction seems to be this can’t go on therefore we’ll have to split. As @busty says, in sickness and in health….. marriages can last 50 years plus, if sex isn’t there for part of this time should that be a dealbreaker automatically. There is a lot more to a marriage than sedat all times and that is the point busty was highlighting, albeit like a steam train.

CSA is an acronym for what? I am guessing that it's not the Confederate states of America.

@SaharaFlower

CSA is an acronym for what? I am guessing that it's not the Confederate states of America.

Child sexual abuse

Thank you. Busty made a fair assessment, yet the other people did too. When reminded of trauma, normal function is very difficult. Sex either becomes more or less, then attachment can come or go. Trauma is difficult for partners, as there ends up influence on the relationship. The majority don't marry for sex, but it is important. Being told you are sexually incompatible is without tact, a little bit.

Asexual = doesn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone. Asecuality is not a choice, like celibacy can be.

A common assumption is that an asexual person isn't interested in romantic relationships. You can want the closeness and emotional intimacy of a relationship without wanting any sexual contact.

Asexuals may have had or enjoyed sex in the past and done it for a variety of reasons. But the difference is that they themselves have no intrinsic motivation for sex with another person.

Some Asexuals are sex-favourable. Meaning they will willingly do it on occasion because they want to feel close to their partner, and enjoy it during (either the sensations or the emotional intimacy).

Others are sex-averse, which is where you are at the moment.

He is correct, in that you are not compatible. That's not to say these mixed (asexual/higher libido) relationships don't work, but they tend to only work when the asexual person is sex-favourable.

Are you on the pill? My libido went super low on the pill but has improved after switching to Mirena coil

I think there needs to be more communication between you two. Maybe more foreplay? He needs to work to get what he wants kind of thing ;) does he help out in the house/with the child?

Would it work better if you cuddled and fondled a bit first? Take it slow? Maybe start with handjobs at first? See what works!

I'm saying this because some people have this massive expectations about sex that sex has to happen in a certain way you have to do things in a certain way regardless of how it makes you feel. We have a lot of lazy sex both on our backs! We're too lazy to get up sometimes

I have been where you are now. Past sexual abuse, traumatic births, PND and young children meant me and my husband weren't intimate for over 2 years. It was really tough on our relationship and I understand your distress. I really questioned why we have to have sex, if I ever wanted to again and if I should leave my husband. But fundamentally we love each other very much and we make a great partnership. I realised that I did want that part back in our relationship but I was so frightened, I found it so triggering. But we now do have an intimate relationship again and if you feel that you would like to too (and you don't have to have sex to be a complete person, for some people it just isn't necessary and that's ok) this is what helped us....

I had a LOT of therapy, going right back and dealing with past traumas. It was a very slow process and very painful but it helped me to feel safe again. Compassion based therapy and a therapist experienced in treating sexual trauma was really useful for me.

Communication - rather than being the elephant in the room me and my husband started talking more about sex and being intimate. I opened up about what had happened, how I was feeling and what support I needed and I listened to his frustrations. I was lucky that he was very patient and supportive, but he also needed to know that I was working hard to get that part of our lives back.

This bit I found the hardest, but learning to love myself and be intimate with myself was so important in being able to let someone else touch me again. Like you, I wasn't really interested at all, but I started by just getting used to being naked on my own, looking at myself naked in the mirror, taking time putting body lotion on and getting used to the feeling of touch. Buying nicer underwear (not necessarily sexy but stuff I felt nice in). You also change after children so what felt nice before might feel different now, so explore what feels good to you.

Make sure your husband knows that if you want to kiss/be intimate it might not lead to sex so it takes the pressure/panic off initially. We started cuddling more in bed and on the sofa. I made sure we kissed everyday. It was so slowly slowly. Then I felt better pleasuring him at first, to be in control then after time I let him touch me more until I was ready.

I was a long slow emotionally painful process, but it has made our relationship stronger than ever. I also posted on here a while ago about the same issue and found the replies quite hard to take (every marriage must have sex = I was a failure/bad person...). Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot. Good luck x

It's not unusual for survivors of trauma in childhood to experience all sorts of things after they have a child @Juniper27 EMDR therapy is the best for trauma.

My husband has been pretty reasonable with me about it. Like he hasn't pressured me or anything like that. But he's told me he can't see how we can last like this

That is pressurizing you really. It boils down to telling you 'we have to have sex at a frequency I find acceptable, or it's over.'

and that it was a problem even before we had a baby / got married

It was his choice to marry you.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation : You're much braver than me. I can't talk about what happened. Once, I told somebody at a railway station, not sure why I did that.

@SaharaFlower thank you. I often fall into a pattern of negative self talk (usually repeating things I was told in childhood) and it's good to be reminded that yeah, I AM brave and strong!

I think it's easy to see why you told your truth at a station - no pressure. It's a transient place. You will never see that person again, and you don't know them. (I assume?)

I was shamed by my mum for telling the truth. Lots of "we don't wash our dirty laundry in public" and the good old "there are starving children dying in Africa do I don't think you really have anything to complain about, do you?" When I disclosed to a teacher I was viciously punished by my mum.

Prior to that, my abuser had kept me silent by saying "if your mum knew about we've been doing [note the use of" we" to try to make out it's a consensual relationship between a man in his 40s and his 11yr old daughter 🙄] then she would be so angry. She'd probably have a heart attack and die. "

What I finally came to realise is that silence ONLY benefits the abuser. Every time I have said 'I'm a survivor of abuse", I have helped myself (by breaking down the wall of silence) and very often the person I'm talking to has said (sometimes on a later occasion) "me too". And often it's been the first time they've disclosed.

Today I live a life free. Before working on healing, the abuse trauma was like a huge cartoon style ball and chain that I was dragging around. Now I'm free. Free to enjoy my sexuality (or not, depending on mood!) Free to make decisions that benefit me, rather than trying to please other people to my own detriment. Free to watch a TV programme or film without fear of being triggered and having a flashback. Free of the body sensations of his hands on me. Free of the feeling that I'm "broken", "tainted", "spoiled". And free of the gasligting - when both your parents team up to tell you that this didn't happen, that didn't happen, goodness you've always been so imaginative and [tinkly laugh] - my god that fucks with your head.

I hope you find your freedom too. 💐

I feel so bad for posting that and I don't know how to delete.

@SaharaFlower to delete click report on your own message and you can ask for it to be deleted.

OP - wanted to extend love and support to you and I don't think there's much i can add that others haven't already said. Whether or not you and DH stay together (and I hope you do) I think counselling would be amazing for you. It really is nothing to be embarrassed about and these counsellors deal with this sort of thing all the time and they will not judge you or make you feel ashamed for seeking their help or anything you feel. Don't do it for your DH's sex life but for yourself - for your own mental health and intimate life. you deserve that too. Wishing you endless love and luck moving forward