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Original poster

Give this one a swerve? (Possible trigger warning)

126 replies

Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 08:23

Name changed for some opinions on this guys.

So, had a date at the weekend. Guy was great company and everything just felt comfortable with him. A great kisser too and...well, at the end of the night we ended up back at his. Just for a little fool about, no actual shagging involved. I made it clear that I don't do sex until a bit further down the line just because I find it a bit shit before you get to know someone. So that 'my trousers would be staying on'.

I should say that I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship right now. Oh and we are both double jagged.

Anyway, sorry to be graphic, but at one point he goes 'are you wet?' and proceeds to put his hand, down there. Now I was not ok with that but mostly because I haven't shaved in a while so I grabbed his hand and attempted to pull it back. There was maybe a two second window in which it took me to say 'I've not shaved so...' to which he said it didn't bother him and proceeded to have a grope about.

Now, if I honest, it just irritated me a little at the time. But didn't seem like a big deal. But now I think on it...that two second window before I told him why I didn't want his hand down there...and exerted pressure on his hand to pull it back. He should have said 'oops, sorry' and removed his hand right?

Now I've no need for the sexual assault brigade lol because I wouldn't put it in that category. Because you could argue that he thought hands groping about were acceptable seen as I'd allowed it in the top half. But I'm thinking maybe I should bin this one off right? Because if he does that without permission, he might be the sort who takes further leaps.

It's a shame because I liked this one. But I guess in hindsight it is a pretty big red flag right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:08

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

It wasn't an excuse, it was the reason. Well, that and I just had no real interest in doing anything below the waste tbf. But mostly I was thinking 'fuck, I havent shaved'.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/08/2021 10:08

I don't think I would've gone to his house with him in those circumstances, OP. You knew you didn't want to have sex with him. You didn't know him at all. You said there would be limits but you didn't know him to know whether he'd stick to those limits. I'm not blaming you here - I think he was totally in the wrong and I wouldn't see him again - but I'd think twice about going home with someone I didn't know.

Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:11

Yeah it was a total risk pp, I agree. But i was enjoying his company and wanted to spend more time with him. I think being stuck in for a year with all this covid drama probably made me take a risk I wouldn't normally take.

OP posts:
Greenrubber · 12/08/2021 10:12

I couldn't get annoyed at this! Genuinely think your overthinking it

He tried to get down your pants you stopped him and he stopped

WhiskeyGalore212 · 12/08/2021 10:13

As an aside I had a not dissimar situation with a new partner on the first night I stayed over at his house.

We started kissing, heavy petting etc. - he assumed we'd be having sex. I made it clear I was not open to sex that night or in the near future. We didn't discuss any further boundaries/expectations..... he touched me intimately, which I was a bit taken aback by but accepted. When we went to bed, he continued and seemed to be pushing the not having sex thing. I got angry and said so, suggesting I get a taxi home. He apologised, said he'd be nest sleeping in a separate room abd did so.

I was slightly uneasy about the while thing but continued seeing him.
The relationship progressed and we had oral sex (almost entirely me on him), the first time I gave him oral sex, he held my head down on him when he climaxed/was about to climaxed. I dismissed it as an impulsive reaction to being near climax, and I ribbed him about it. I was still a bit uneasy, but continued the relationship.

It lasted for a bit over a year, avd he turned out to be the most jealous, possessive, chauvinist, controlling (at least he tried to be but I wouldn't give into it), immature, insecure person I've ever had a relationship with.

Coincidental - maybe,maybe not.

Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:13

Ugh. right. How am I wording this 'I don't want to see you again' text?

OP posts:
Greenrubber · 12/08/2021 10:14

Dating sounds very difficult these days

Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:14

@Greenrubber

I couldn't get annoyed at this! Genuinely think your overthinking it

He tried to get down your pants you stopped him and he stopped

Well..he didn't technically stop.
OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/08/2021 10:17

Now I've no need for the sexual assault brigade lol because I wouldn't put it in that category

Hmm Perhaps you need it pointing out, but a lot of women have been sexually assaulted, and would probably prefer to not see it trivialised with a 'lol'.

Quite honestly OP, I think you need to do some work on your boundaries. You seem to have set the bar for male behaviour very low. Sad

Greenrubber · 12/08/2021 10:20

For 2 seconds! He knew you didn't want sex but you didn't say he was not allowed to put his hands down there to I'm assume try and pleasure you I don't know if you need a contract in writing before any form of fooling around!

Don't get me wrong I'm genuinely not trying to minimise how you felt but at the time you didn't think about it and now you have alot of women telling you he was out of order etc only you know how you felt go with your own instinct not other women tuppence worth

BeeOnADandelion · 12/08/2021 10:22

@FreeBritnee

I would just have said he was hot and horny. I’m not sure that would convince me he was a predator unless there were some further red flags.
Just how many red flags would you need?! Shock She told him she's "keeping her trousers on" ie a big fat No, which should have been a hint that others actions down there might also have been a No so he should have checked. She then froze for two seconds ie a No. Then tried unsuccessfully to pull his hand back, another No. Then felt the need to try to justify why not, since he hadn't accepted plain old No, the justification was another No. So he got four No's and assaulted her anyway because "it didn't bother him" and that's not enough red flags for you?!

OP forget the money, he chose to spend what he did, you don't suddenly owe him just because you've decided not to see him again. And you didn't owe him a feel either, despite what he seemed to think. You can do better than this creep. It doesn't matter if it's a casual relationship, a friendship, your mum, whatever, people in your life should be able to take No for an answer, if they can't then they don't deserve to be part of your life.

BeeOnADandelion · 12/08/2021 10:27

@Timmysdownthewell

Ugh. right. How am I wording this 'I don't want to see you again' text?
How about "No means No, fuck off creep, you were out of order and need to learn to respect others boundaries"
RantyAunty · 12/08/2021 10:29

This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.

There's reddit group called femaledatingstrategy that would be helpful in setting your boundaries and standards for me.

Don't overthink the text. Just say, Thanks for dinner but I don't think we're a match.

TrampolineForMrKite · 12/08/2021 10:29

In the minority here, but I would say that it was a heat of the moment transgression if things were getting hot and heavy and you were snogging and hands were everywhere. I wouldn’t write him off on this one thing that was likely to have been a result of a mind clouded by sex.

In your position I would go on a second date and be very aware of taking in who he is and what he’s doing. And maybe don’t go back to his this time either, take it a bit slower.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/08/2021 10:33

@FreeBritnee

I would just have said he was hot and horny. I’m not sure that would convince me he was a predator unless there were some further red flags.
That's what I'd think too. It really wouldn't worry me if he needed 2 seconds to process what I was saying, if I was otherwise comfortable with him. I'd go with your own judgement, whether that is yay or nay, rather than asking people who weren't there.
Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:39

Eeh...not really fussed about a second date now lol. Wonder why xD

I mean i could have and just kept it in public and looked for any other red flags y'know. Maybe had a chat about keeping it to dating only for a bit, no home visits lol.

But nah, I've put myself totally off him now haha.
Which is probably for the best

OP posts:
starrynight87 · 12/08/2021 10:41

I think that is horrible, dump straight away and explain why.

toocold54 · 12/08/2021 10:49

I would say you are over-reacting and that it isn’t a red flag.

As you say it was 2 seconds in the heat of the moment so he could have just held his hand there whilst he was listening to you.
If he yanked his hand back really quickly I would have thought that was more strange than him gently taking his hand away.

But it’s obvious that you don’t like him and want to end it. This could be just because you don’t vibe well or because your gut is telling you something.

BeeOnADandelion · 12/08/2021 10:53

Go whatever speed you want with dates I don't think there's right and wrong with it just preference. Some of my friends always have fast relationships sleeping with and moving in with partners quickly, then having messy breakups. But the upside of that way of doing things is they find out early on that he's no good and bin him off before they've wasted 3 years or whatever.

Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:56

@toocold54

I do like him though. We got on brilliantly.
I just think a cute guy isn't worth taking risks.
He also did not take his hand away, I dont know where ppl are reading that. That's the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timmysdownthewell · 12/08/2021 10:58

*risks for

OP posts:
toocold54 · 12/08/2021 11:06

He also did not take his hand away, I dont know where ppl are reading that. That's the issue.

Ok sorry I misread your OP.
I’m not sure where the 2 second big came into as that was you that waited 2 seconds?

So basically he put his hand down there, you said no and tried pulling his hand away but he kept his hand there?
That is obviously not ok.

Ugzbugz · 12/08/2021 11:08

I'm not sure if he thiught maybe you only said no cos you was hairy?

If you had shaved would you have let him?

I mean no means no but if you was saying no only because you needed to shave and hes not fussed then thought it could go ahead?

What followed?

toocold54 · 12/08/2021 11:09

I mean no means no but if you was saying no only because you needed to shave and hes not fussed then thought it could go ahead?

That’s how I read it at first too. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been embarrassed because I’d not shaved and my partner said he doesn’t care type thing.

cariadlet · 12/08/2021 11:10

You've made your decision. Stick to it. It doesn't matter what your reasons are. You can choose not to see him again for any reason you want. You don't have to justify yourself to him or to us.