My partner is a cocaine addict

[Nyla1234]

Hiya, it’s my first time posting here. I have 3 children with a man that I love very much. He has treated me very badly over the years to the point I don’t recognise myself anymore. He takes cocaine and lies about it and sleeps in until the afternoon like a teenager. I ask him to stop and he has these moments of realisation where he says he can’t believe he has treated me this way and me and the kids are his world and then really shows us the man he can be , he makes a lot of money and provides for us and the kids love him- when he is awake and can be bothered to parent. I am breaking point, it’s like I’m dealing with 2 different people. I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist and only ‘acts’ like he is the perfect family man when I pull him up on his behaviour and leave him for a while, but I’m not sure. I’m very confused as to who he really is as we get a few different personalities. I work myself and take care of our 9 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old and I’m exhausted. He does no housework , has a lay in whenever he wants because he says he works hard and needs it and is either the shittest laziest partner in the world or the best most loving caring amazing dad and man we could ask for. Sorry I’m rambling but I just don’t know what to do anymore. We have got on great for weeks and then he went out with his friends and got on one and slept on the sofa until midday snoring and dribbling and when I called him out on it ( with not very nice names may I add 😔) we had a massive fight and he called me names and left the house. What should I do? Walk away for good? As I have threatened it many times and gave him what I thought was eye openers and left him for weeks on end where he always comes back begging for forgiveness and then changes for a month but slips back into old ways. Sorry I’m at breaking point. Has anyone else been through this? The lies, the drugs, the narcissistic behaviour, the ‘act’ of changing behaviour?

Do you really want to stay with this man?

Leave and this time don't believe his bullshit , is this really what you want your kids to grow up and see on a regular basis?

I have a friend in a stunningly similar position to you, but with younger kids. If she asked me what to do I would beg her to leave him. It isn't going to get any better.

To be honest, I do love him but I’m not sure if the attachment is love in the sense of holding onto the dream of a family because when we are good and he’s not on cocaine or a comedown the relationship and family we have is all I can ever ask for that’s why it’s so confusing. It’s either completely perfect or complete hell, Thank you for your comment x

Walk away, love. Your kids don't need to watch you skivvying for some lazy cokehead. You need to set them a good example.

Also, Class A addicts tend to leave the "evidence " lying around, no matter how well they think they clear up. You really don't want your kids ingesting anything that he may leave lying around.

OP I don't think this thread will go well for you. People on the site hate drugs of any sort. You will be told to leave your partner and that your children should not be in a home with him because of his drugs use and his abuse. This is what I think too, you do need to leave, but just wanted to tell you you might get some really brutal and unfriendly comments.

You need to leave him and not take him back. Your children need you to do this. Don't let them down like their father has. Their safety needs to come first.

Thank you for your reply’s, I feel so lost and alone and have spent years reading Mumsnet but never posted. It’s nice to hear other people’s opinions as when I’m at home with 3 children I feel completely isolated

No I completely agree and I can fully respect anyone’s opinion good or bad, it’s just nice to hear other opinions instead of the incessant confusion inside my brain. This is why I’m so confused, he either is or acts like the prefect man 60% of the time , the kids absolutely love him , he takes them out, provides for them, plays with them, saves money for them, but the other 40% he sleeps in bed all day when he’s not working , takes cocaine when he’s out with his friends and lies about it, doesn’t help me with the housework or consider that I may need a break sometimes and generally puts his own needs over mine.

It’s like I’m dealing with jeckyll and Hyde

Leave.

You deserve more than a 60% partner and your kids deserve more than a 60% dad. You need an equal that respects you and they need someone that puts them first while they are little. Love is just a well-trodden neural pathway. I was once in a toxic relationship with a narcissist and I’d have jumped under a bus for him. I read once that love is just a well-trodden neural pathway. A habit. Habits can be broken. You are stronger than you think, you’re already parenting on your own, it’s way easier doing so when you aren’t seething with resentment because someone that could age should help isn’t… you think you need him, you think that this is family… it isn’t, my love. You deserve someone who gives you 100%, and being alone is better than being lonely when there’s someone in your bed xxx

How does he provide you with plenty of money if he sleeps until lunchtime everyday?

What advice would you give your child if they came home and said "mum, help-" and repeated to you what you just told us? Whatever your answer is for your children, then that's what you need to do for you.

Leaving any opinions about drugs aside, ultimately it's up to him to manage his behaiviour.
Whatever is causing it, drugs or no drugs, he shouldn't be doing any of this.
If he has a problem - he needs to get help and sort it out. Even if he is getting the help, if he still can't stop himself from lying in till the afternoon and isn't bringing anything to family life, then you can't have that.
If you can't do it, you can't do it - he needs to go or sort hinself out. Sounds like he's not been able to take action after your warnings and unfortunately you will be better off without him - he's only adding to your work and stress and you will only get more and worn down over time

I’m very confused as to who he really is as we get a few different personalities

Only you know what's best for you, but if you feel like you don't know who your partner really is, what do you have left? It's really not good and often abused women become confused women.

he always comes back begging for forgiveness and then changes for a month but slips back into old ways

I think you've spotted the pattern now and are starting to wise up. I sounds like the real him isn't the one that you like - the real him is the one you don't like.

On top of that, judging what I've read on this site, coke, prostitutes, reckles driving and big spending are never very far away from each other.

He has treated me very badly over the years to the point I don’t recognise myself anymore

Is that how you want to live for the next few years or decades??

Hiya sorry I’m the original poster, I changed my username. I really appreciate the comments, honestly. It made me cry. I fully agree both good and bad , it’s just difficult sometimes to make that final break as I feel like I’m taking the kids chances away of having the mum and dad together household. Sorry I don’t know how to tag to reply but he works 4 days a week and earns a very good wage, and on the other 3 days he’s either asleep in bed until the afternoon or up and bouncing around with the kids , I can tell when he’s taken cocaine as he’s dead to the world on the sofa and then lies and says it’s because he’s been working hard. He goes out and socialises with his friends and I can hear in his voice that he’s done it, sometimes he will come clean and say “oh it was only for so and so’s birthday and we was having fun etc and that’s his one bit of freedom and fun once in a while or he will outright lie and say he hasn’t when he has. But then once he’s risen from his come down pit on the sofa while I’m dealing with all the kids and working, and doing the housework , and entertaining them etc- he will wake up in his good sweet time and be the perfect dad - he will get ready and take them to the park before work or play with them and really invest time into them. That’s why it’s all so confusing because when I am certain on leaving him and looking at him with pure resentment, he then gets up and plays with the kids, takes them out , acts like the funny loving man I met and fell for. My head hurts from the confusion

I too have a friend who is in a long term relationship with a coke user. 2 kids, a big mortgage, a business together where she does the bulk of the work. He stops for a while when she threatens to leave. But then he always goes back to that shit. Every time. He has even been known to do it on nights out with other parents from their dc's school.

Everyone knows. Everyone wants her to leave. But she stays. He uses. I don't know what it will take for her to leave him. So what will it take for you @Nyla1234?

He bounces around with the kids after crashing out. So he has a big night, crashes and then has a little top up to bring him back up?

OP, I speak as someone who was not averse to the odd line or pill when out clubbing when I was younger.
Did I leave someone else to clean my house and look after my kids while I partied? No, I did not.
Young folk can do what they like when they don’t have responsibilities.

Your DP, however, DOES have responsibilities, and trying to have a family life with a proper cokehead doesn’t ever work in my experience.
Over the last couple of years two people I knew in my clubbing days, and who became addicted to both alcohol and cocaine, have died, mid forties.

I really can’t think of many situations worse than bringing up kids in a household with a childish, narcissistic, abusive cokehead. Get the hell out of there, OP.

I really appreciate the comments, I can hear how ridiculous this is myself and I’ve read many many posts over the years and would give people the same advice you are giving me. I think maybe where I’m at home and isolated with the 2 young babies and our 9 year old that I don’t really have a life anymore except raising the kids and working that this has become my whole world. When I pulled him up on it today after he went out for a friends birthday and I called him a dirty cokehead that needs to grow up he even replied ‘just because I have a f**king life and you don’t! I would love to have a life, but taking cocaine isn’t my idea of one! But right now my focus is the children and I’m quite happy to stay in everynight drinking cups of tea, watching Netflix and getting to bed early- not the most exciting woman to be with when you’re hooked on the buzz of the cocaine high. But then this is the problem- I resent him, and will not speak to him for weeks now and then he will come back and apologise and beg for forgiveness and tell me this and that and all the bullshit and I crumble and hold on to the good times and try to make it work for the sake of our family and so the cycle begins again, how do I just break this. I guess it’s just realising my worth and putting my bloody foot down for what I actually want out of life.

Ultimately he is an addict. Feeding his addiction will always come first for him. You and the DC are afterthoughts. And you deserve better. Leave, make him pay CMS and make a good, safe life for yourself and your DC. You may find a support organisation helpful: www.drugfam.co.uk/

Do get away. I have been there - my late husband's addiction was alcohol and he did a lot of damage to our DDs.

I left a cocaine addict and I am so glad I did. It will never change. I will never get better. You will be much , much, much better off without him. Don't bring your children up around this shit, see a solicitor as soon as you can and get your finances in order for leaving.

I promise you, he will never stop. He loves cocaine more than he is capable of loving anything else.

I also have two very young children I know how isolating it can be, and how you can feel cut off from life, but believe me-you do have a life. He is the loser. You are the one holding things together for him.

Do not sacrifice yourself and your own life for an addict.

Your poor kids. Growing up watching this disaster is just horrible. Stop allowing them to witness this mess.

Thank you for your reply’s. It will won’t it, he will continue to feed me bullshit and then something will come up ‘stress, a friends birthday, or some other excuse’ but that’s obviously his escape in life and there’s nothing I can do to put a stop to it. It does cause damage to our kids because the stress of it turns me into a resentful stressed out mother when I’m already exhausted from working and doing everything for the kids alone. He keeps saying he just needs to grow up and that I’m helping him become a man etc and that’s why I stay because I think ‘ one day he might just get it’. But he won’t, his mother was an addict and I’m not sure if it’s biologically passed down. It’s just the lies I can’t handle, if a person can lie to you about one thing then in my eyes they can lie to you about anything.