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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner is a cocaine addict

86 replies

Nyla1234 · 10/08/2021 20:44

Hiya, it’s my first time posting here. I have 3 children with a man that I love very much. He has treated me very badly over the years to the point I don’t recognise myself anymore. He takes cocaine and lies about it and sleeps in until the afternoon like a teenager. I ask him to stop and he has these moments of realisation where he says he can’t believe he has treated me this way and me and the kids are his world and then really shows us the man he can be , he makes a lot of money and provides for us and the kids love him- when he is awake and can be bothered to parent. I am breaking point, it’s like I’m dealing with 2 different people. I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist and only ‘acts’ like he is the perfect family man when I pull him up on his behaviour and leave him for a while, but I’m not sure. I’m very confused as to who he really is as we get a few different personalities. I work myself and take care of our 9 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old and I’m exhausted. He does no housework , has a lay in whenever he wants because he says he works hard and needs it and is either the shittest laziest partner in the world or the best most loving caring amazing dad and man we could ask for. Sorry I’m rambling but I just don’t know what to do anymore. We have got on great for weeks and then he went out with his friends and got on one and slept on the sofa until midday snoring and dribbling and when I called him out on it ( with not very nice names may I add 😔) we had a massive fight and he called me names and left the house. What should I do? Walk away for good? As I have threatened it many times and gave him what I thought was eye openers and left him for weeks on end where he always comes back begging for forgiveness and then changes for a month but slips back into old ways. Sorry I’m at breaking point. Has anyone else been through this? The lies, the drugs, the narcissistic behaviour, the ‘act’ of changing behaviour?

OP posts:
Fedup2387 · 03/10/2022 23:39

Thank you!! I just finally had enough of not feeling strong, not feeling amazing, not feeling anything but stress, anxiety and confusion from being in love with someone that was lovely one minute and causing me mental harm the next by lieing, deceiving and manipulating me and then apologising and promising me he would never do it again and being lovely and all I wanted again. I still feel a pang of sadness when I think about how lovely it could have been if he had just given up and we could have had the happy times..all the time. But that’s simply not the reality, the reality was he was sneaking around taking drugs thinking fuck her, I want my drugs and I’ll lie and do what I want thanks, meanwhile caring not one bit about what it was doing to my mental health- the woman that has to get up each day and raise our 3 children. Basically if someone can lie to you about one thing then they can lie about anything, so there’s probably a lot I don’t know. All I know is that I’m really bloody happy and so are my kids. If he acts like a proper dad at some point then he will get treated like one but until that point all I care about is continuing to renovate my house , work harder and smarter to be financially ok and once the house is all done to pack bags and travel as many places I can just me and my 3 babies. I’m not fucking around anymore. Life is way too short and I am evolving into the best version of me without lieing shitheads invading my energy or my life. I felt scared to do it alone- until I woke up and realised I was already doing it alone and I am a powerful, smart strong woman that isn’t going to take anyones shit anymore, I didn’t want to be weak anymore and I’m very proud of myself. Xxx

OldFan · 04/10/2022 00:02

Massive round of applause @Fedup2387 👏💪

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/10/2022 00:29

Oh well bloody done OP, I'm so happy to read that!

blueshoes · 04/10/2022 00:42

@Fedup2387 well done for staying strong. Your dcs are very lucky to have a mother that takes no nonsense and loves them to bits. Flowers

ClaryFairchild · 04/10/2022 01:00

That was a wonderful update to read Op! Well done!

Worthyornot · 04/10/2022 02:35

You are simply amazing. That was so powerful to read. Your kids have an excellent example in you and will thank you one day for being such a strong and loving mother to them. Wishing you and your kids the best. ❤

Monty27 · 04/10/2022 03:29

OP sorry to hear this.
It's not about you or DP and clearly not a good environment for anyone not least your DC's. They deserve better.
Your call

mathanxiety · 04/10/2022 04:40

Think of the relationship he has with cocaine as an affair he's conducting amd has no intention of stopping because the other woman makes him feel so good.

Would you leave a man who refused to give up his affair and commit fully to you and his family?

mathanxiety · 04/10/2022 04:48

Wrt your fear of depriving your children of a bond with their father- wake up!

This man is very happy to deprive his own children of a relationship with him. This is what he's doing here.

If you think an addict is ever going to allow anything to come before the thing he's addicted to, you need to give your head a wobble.

He doesn't care about his children. If he did he wouldn't be addicted to cocaine. He wouldn't be off his face or sleeping off a bender or spending money on drugs that could be used for the children.

He is deliberately disconnecting himself from his own children's lives. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is connection.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2022 04:55

Ahh! I didn't see your name change and the great news!!!!!!

Well done!

Bellagio40 · 04/10/2022 04:55

What a brilliant update! Well done OP. You are amazing!

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