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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is a cocaine addict

86 replies

Nyla1234 · 10/08/2021 20:44

Hiya, it’s my first time posting here. I have 3 children with a man that I love very much. He has treated me very badly over the years to the point I don’t recognise myself anymore. He takes cocaine and lies about it and sleeps in until the afternoon like a teenager. I ask him to stop and he has these moments of realisation where he says he can’t believe he has treated me this way and me and the kids are his world and then really shows us the man he can be , he makes a lot of money and provides for us and the kids love him- when he is awake and can be bothered to parent. I am breaking point, it’s like I’m dealing with 2 different people. I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist and only ‘acts’ like he is the perfect family man when I pull him up on his behaviour and leave him for a while, but I’m not sure. I’m very confused as to who he really is as we get a few different personalities. I work myself and take care of our 9 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old and I’m exhausted. He does no housework , has a lay in whenever he wants because he says he works hard and needs it and is either the shittest laziest partner in the world or the best most loving caring amazing dad and man we could ask for. Sorry I’m rambling but I just don’t know what to do anymore. We have got on great for weeks and then he went out with his friends and got on one and slept on the sofa until midday snoring and dribbling and when I called him out on it ( with not very nice names may I add 😔) we had a massive fight and he called me names and left the house. What should I do? Walk away for good? As I have threatened it many times and gave him what I thought was eye openers and left him for weeks on end where he always comes back begging for forgiveness and then changes for a month but slips back into old ways. Sorry I’m at breaking point. Has anyone else been through this? The lies, the drugs, the narcissistic behaviour, the ‘act’ of changing behaviour?

OP posts:
Fedup2387 · 11/08/2021 00:30

I don’t mind anyone’s questions to be fair I’m just pleased people replied Lol, as it has all really helped me this evening and I thank all of you

Itstimetoquit · 11/08/2021 00:48

Hi op you and me have the same story,unfortunately he won't change because he's an addict,I've had all the bullshit lies,all the promises...they mean nothing the only thing that means anything to them is coke,feel free to inbox me x

DuchessOfDisaster · 11/08/2021 00:49

if he was all bad I would have been gone alone time ago but when he’s not drugged up or on a come down and being a lazy slob he’s a hard working man that is good with money (apart from what he spends on drugs)

The drugs are a deal breaker. Forget the rest, your children are being brought up by a druggie. Enough.

CJsGoldfish · 11/08/2021 00:59

I have 3 children with a man that I love very much
Love your children more.

Fedup2387 · 11/08/2021 01:01

You are completely right. And when I lay the altimatum down he promises and literally begs and begs and says he doesn’t care about drugs and all he wants is me and the kids etc etc and then a few months will pass of him being normal before he falls back into it somehow. I just keep holding on thinking maybe this time he actually really means it as he’s so bloody convincing- he will literally beg me on his hands and knees and tell me that all he cares about is our family and then he shows that he can do it and be the great man and dad that our kids adore but goes out for a ‘meal’ with his friends and doesn’t return home and when I speak to him he’s out of his face after 2 months of not doing it ( to my knowledge) - and now I’m like a paranoid FBI agent so I know when he has. It’s no way to live I’m just scared to take the children’s dad away from them as he can be very manipulative when he wants and isn’t a normal person to co parent with.

Fedup2387 · 11/08/2021 01:05

Yes I agree. But my weird mum guilt anxiety and crazy thoughts somehow think that keeping the family together and giving him the chance to change is putting the kids first as they will then have their dad around that they adore. Because if it was down to me, however much I love him I would have left him but hold on and keep giving chance after chance when I see how much the kids adore him and how much they love going to the park with daddy and play fighting with daddy etc that’s what keeps me stuck but ultimately the unhappiness it brings me has a detrimental effect on my mothering as my thoughts are often pre- occupied with stress and negativity regarding this whole thing.

doitwithlove · 11/08/2021 07:40

You are like a single parent already, take a leap forward and pack his shit up, take the house keys back and chuck him out.

You will need to sort finances then move forward. It will be interesting how much better you feel not having him around you. You can do this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/08/2021 07:43

Why are so many people suggesting that OP should leave, presumably with her children?

He should leave.

Cockenspiel · 11/08/2021 07:51

You need to read back hour own posts in this thread abs think about how many times he’s lied and manipulated you to keep you and your kids in this cycle of abuse and bullshit.

Being a Disney dad one minute and then a worse than useless druggie the next is not ‘being a great dad’. Ask yourself why you think that’s good enough?

If he loses interest when you split then that says everything about him and nothing about you or the kids. It shows that deep down you know you’re facilitating him being a parent (when it suits him). To be honest, the way you describe him suddenly having a burst of energy to play with them actually sounds like he’s having another line to perk himself up.

mummatomason · 11/08/2021 08:44

I was in your position a few years ago. It was so hard because i knew the addiction had took hold and it wasnt the man i loved any more, its heart breaking.
I finally had enough and chucked him out. He constantly kept texting and phoning me, being nice one min then being awful the next. I reported him to the police in the end and got a restraining order for a year.
It was the hardest but best thing i ever did. His mum picked the kids up and he had supervised contact with her and i could finally relax and stop worrying what mood hed come home in.

Fast forward a few years and now we coparent amazing. He got off the drugs as he realised what hed done as he lost everything and were like best friends again. He still goes to counselling, but that man i lost through the addiction is fighting through and im seeing him again and its the best thing ever.

Seeing someone you love being consumed by a addiction is so hard, its like the person you know has died but you can physically see them. But until they understand and accept its a problem you cant do anything.

Im so sorry your going through this, you will be ok, your stronger than you think

DuchessOfDisaster · 11/08/2021 08:53

@Fedup2387

You are completely right. And when I lay the altimatum down he promises and literally begs and begs and says he doesn’t care about drugs and all he wants is me and the kids etc etc and then a few months will pass of him being normal before he falls back into it somehow. I just keep holding on thinking maybe this time he actually really means it as he’s so bloody convincing- he will literally beg me on his hands and knees and tell me that all he cares about is our family and then he shows that he can do it and be the great man and dad that our kids adore but goes out for a ‘meal’ with his friends and doesn’t return home and when I speak to him he’s out of his face after 2 months of not doing it ( to my knowledge) - and now I’m like a paranoid FBI agent so I know when he has. It’s no way to live I’m just scared to take the children’s dad away from them as he can be very manipulative when he wants and isn’t a normal person to co parent with.
But he is AN ADDICT! He cannot change no matter what he says. If he cared that much he would be in rehab wouldn't he. Ignore what he says and ignore "But I love him!!!!" How many more times HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

Remove yourself and your children from this toxic nightmare to avoid any more damage.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/08/2021 09:26

@MrsSkylerWhite

Why are so many people suggesting that OP should leave, presumably with her children?

He should leave.

I think most mean 'leave him' rather than being the one to physically leave the home.
TerraNovaTwo · 12/08/2021 23:04

Love your kids more? When are your lioness instincts going to kick in to protect them?

There's no consistency for your kids, no emotionally stable parent (it has a knock on effect), no one to protect them from the long term damage of living in a household with a drug addict for a father.

Tragic

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 11:07

youvegottenminuteslynn

MrsSkylerWhite
Why are so many people suggesting that OP should leave, presumably with her children?

He should leave.

I think most mean 'leave him' rather than being the one to physically leave the home.“

Hope so. I’ve seen so many threads where the partner is in the wrong but people are advising the OP to go.

Hallieandsiennasmama · 03/10/2022 18:18

Hi I know this thread is over 12 months old but I feel like I could have written this myself! I’m currently going through this exact thing with my girls father. I’m currently at the strange where I’ve thrown him out and and now receiving the “I’m sorry I need help I’m going to quit for my family” texts. I am very very very adamant that we are over for good this time however I was wondering what happened with OP as it is now 14 months on and our situations are basically identical!

Softplayhooray · 03/10/2022 19:05

When I was in my mid 20s I had a boyfriend like this at uni. Of course I can't in a million years compare that situation to yours when he is your H and you have kids. I know enough though to know how heartbreaking it is to know the person before the coke addiction, to still see glimpses of that person, and to lose that person to coke. It's torture. You have to leave him because as long as the coke is around (and that might be forever), the narcissistic asshole will continue to grow. You'll stay on this horrible merry go round and that'll be your life, and your life starts revolving around whether he is ok or not ok in any given day.

He also can't be around the kids. Living with a coke head with the ever changing perfect dad to lazy ass act is mental torture for those kids and will really harm them.

You deserve so much more OP, seriously, as do your kids.

Haffiana · 03/10/2022 19:12

Hallieandsiennasmama · 03/10/2022 18:18

Hi I know this thread is over 12 months old but I feel like I could have written this myself! I’m currently going through this exact thing with my girls father. I’m currently at the strange where I’ve thrown him out and and now receiving the “I’m sorry I need help I’m going to quit for my family” texts. I am very very very adamant that we are over for good this time however I was wondering what happened with OP as it is now 14 months on and our situations are basically identical!

Start your own thread. You will just get people replying to the first post - they won't read this far.

Maray1967 · 03/10/2022 19:32

Please leave him. Your kids and you deserve better.
If I was a parent of one of your DCs friends and I realised your DH was s coke addict my child would not be coming to your house. That might sound judgemental but I would be very concerned that my child would be at risk. So you might be putting your children’s happiness at risk in more ways than you are aware. How would you feel if their mates’ parents won’t let them come round?

GoogleUser · 03/10/2022 19:53

So you have three children at home living with a cocaine user!! What the f@#k are you thinking? Kick the coke head outta your front door and don't let him back without proof he's clean - he needs rehab and you need to act like a mother and protect your children from licking what they think is sherbet off the coffee table! Be the good parent and set some standards.

Armychefbethebest · 03/10/2022 20:05

My SIL has a life extremely similar to yours except the kids are getting older and they are aspiring to be like dad . Don't be her don't stay because he says all the right things because he buys a new sofa because he's pissed up and coked up and pissed all over the 12 month old sofa . Don't come down in the morning with your kids when he's still ' on it'. She knows what she should do and that's to get away with the kids but she never will. My only sympathy is with the kids who don't get a choice.

Spursgirl1986 · 03/10/2022 20:08

I lived with a cocaine addict for 8 years . I was very gulliable and didn’t realise for three years . The worst time in my life .
A few days after I kicked him out my 10 year old said to me how much happier the house felt and that he could see I wasn’t nervous anymore . The thing is you never know what person you will get and how long each come down will last . I wish you well and hope you find the strength to leave .

Fedup2387 · 03/10/2022 22:51

Hello, I’m the OP. Wow, I cannot believe this was 14 months ago. A lot has happened. From when I wrote this post I went back a few more times believing the “I won’t do it again, my family is the most important thing to me” routine. I shouldn’t have but I did, trying to desperately hold onto the good times that we all had as a family. But no, cocaine addicts will lie, and lie and do it again and lie again. It’s been a hard thing to deal with, not someone that just really likes drinking and doing drugs etc.. but an addict, who will choose drugs over anything by any means. The final straw came at Xmas when I came downstairs on Xmas eve and he was off his face again and lieing to my face / whilst off of his. I kicked him out and it has nearly been a year of just me and my children. He has tried every manipulation under the sun, has withheld money and hasn’t paid for them expecting me to go running back as he thinks I would have to , it’s been VERY difficult and I have got into a bit of debt but all it’s done is make me work harder. He tried manipulating me to say he will have a family somewhere else then and not be a dad to our kids- “ok” was my reply. When he saw nothing he was doing was affecting me anymore he then sent me a picture of him and another woman in bed. To which I blocked him. I left contact lines open on my daughters phone which he didn’t bother contacting for about 3 months and decided to turn up on her birthday like Santa Claus and fill up the porch with every present under the sun and a card declaring that he misses his kids and that they mean everything to him. Luckily we was out. I have not spoken to him personally as I refuse to have the energy, manipulation, lies and mind games in my life anymore. I tried and tried and got treated like shit, I have taken my power back and I am HAPPY. I messaged his sister and told her any contact must be made via her contacting me. He has a luxury 2 bedroom apartment for him and “his kids” yet gave the other room to his friend?? So basically they have a batchelor pad to take drugs in and bring women back to. When asked if they could come there the answer is a resounding no. The kids will understand when they are older and in the meantime if he sorts himself out and gets a different home , where the kids can have a proper bedroom and he can prove he hasn’t done drugs then I will do everything I can to facilitate them seeing him on a regular basis. But I’m just not fucking doing this shit anymore and I feel happy and in control. My house is tidy, clean, positive and free from all that anxiety and I’m really proud of myself. All I wanted was to have a family and us all be together as one but he has demons that just spill out and poison my life and he has no regard for the harm he causes or no intention of changing or getting help. My children are safe, loved and ok and that is my only concern. To anyone in a similar position- take your power back- you can achieve ANYTHING you want in this life. Do not focus on these people and allow their demons to erode your soul like I did for so long. There’s no more Mrs nice girl around here. Life is short and I’m just not putting up with being so unhappy ever again. Sending love xxx

Fedup2387 · 03/10/2022 23:06

Hiya , I’ve replied below. I don’t know how to private message xxx

PhDmum22 · 03/10/2022 23:21

OP you are AMAZING!!
🎈🎈🎈
Your children are so lucky to have such a strong parent.
You will only get better from here! You are an inspiration.

MaizeBlouse · 03/10/2022 23:33

OP i dont know you but i am so proud of you!