My partner is a cocaine addict

[Nyla1234]

Hiya, it’s my first time posting here. I have 3 children with a man that I love very much. He has treated me very badly over the years to the point I don’t recognise myself anymore. He takes cocaine and lies about it and sleeps in until the afternoon like a teenager. I ask him to stop and he has these moments of realisation where he says he can’t believe he has treated me this way and me and the kids are his world and then really shows us the man he can be , he makes a lot of money and provides for us and the kids love him- when he is awake and can be bothered to parent. I am breaking point, it’s like I’m dealing with 2 different people. I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist and only ‘acts’ like he is the perfect family man when I pull him up on his behaviour and leave him for a while, but I’m not sure. I’m very confused as to who he really is as we get a few different personalities. I work myself and take care of our 9 year old, 2 year old and 1 year old and I’m exhausted. He does no housework , has a lay in whenever he wants because he says he works hard and needs it and is either the shittest laziest partner in the world or the best most loving caring amazing dad and man we could ask for. Sorry I’m rambling but I just don’t know what to do anymore. We have got on great for weeks and then he went out with his friends and got on one and slept on the sofa until midday snoring and dribbling and when I called him out on it ( with not very nice names may I add 😔) we had a massive fight and he called me names and left the house. What should I do? Walk away for good? As I have threatened it many times and gave him what I thought was eye openers and left him for weeks on end where he always comes back begging for forgiveness and then changes for a month but slips back into old ways. Sorry I’m at breaking point. Has anyone else been through this? The lies, the drugs, the narcissistic behaviour, the ‘act’ of changing behaviour?

Oh goodness you need to leave him, I have many years experience with an alcohol dependent husband. He's called me all the names under the sun when intoxicated. Being young, I forgave him and brushed it all under the carpet.
Roll on 20 years, he's still the same. Lovely when not drinking but an absolute vile creature when he is drinking. I told him to leave last year. He did. But stupidly I let him back. With conditions. Well he came home last Saturday drunk and called me a Slut. I did absolutely nothing to him for this insult. The next day I said that's it. It's over for good. He's still here. I can't speak to him. I'm hoping he's finally going for good this time as I'm done.

Yes I believe there may be genetic predisposition to addiction. Please don't listen to anything he says - he is an addict, he is having his cake and eating it, he will say ANYTHING (including "I can stop any time") to keep you where you are. You only have one life op. This man and his addiction will chew you up spit you out over and over again. Please don't waste your one precious life on. Your kids will be better off not witnessing this, and with a happy mum who's not being manipulated by an addict.

Sorry for the typos my phone is about to die and has gone haywire .

If he earns lots of money, why do you work?

Thank you so much for your replies!! This helps me so so much otherwise I’m just alone letting my thoughts take over. I’m not sure how to move forward, I have tried co parenting with him but he tries to manipulate me and hurt me and always manages to trigger some reaction from me when I am just discussing the children, we don’t have much support around in the way of family etc to help with pick ups and drop offs so we have no contact, that’s what gets me because of it was down to me I could just walk away but then when I don’t have any contact for my own sanity I feel like I’m taking the kids dad away or depriving them of the bond that they do genuinely have when he’s not out of his face or sleeping. I really wish I had supportive family that I could drop them to and he could come and spend time with them without contact between us. I feel trapped now that we have kids and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. In every other bad situation I’ve got into in life I’ve been able to walk away and start fresh but with this one if I walk away and start fresh I feel like I need to cut him out completely which I cannot do without taking the kids away from their dad and depriving them of that relationship

You would find a way to make that work. You could have mediation to organise his time with the children. You could have a friend come with you for pick ups and drop offs so that he can't say anything to you / try and suck you back in?

The first thing you need to do is speak to
a family solicitor.

Been there, done the time, got the t-shirt. I divorced him in the end. His poisons were alcohol and cocaine. And lots of both (I didn’t find out extent of drug use until the very end). I worked FT, juggled 2 DC and sorting the house. He drunk, got high, went AWOL on a whim, lied about so much. I believed the gaslighting for years. It wore me down. I tried everything to try and get him to stop. I kept blaming myself and kept thinking that if I just did/tried to do x, y and z, then he’d see the error of his ways. I couldn’t plan or arrange anything as I never knew what he’d be like from day to day. So many times, I would wake up in the morning to get ready for work and realise he’d fucked off and was uncontactable, so I’d either have to phone into work or be late whilst I scrambled for childcare. He was a monster when he was drunk/high but lovely when he was straight (and not hungover/on a come down). After nearly 6yrs of this, and after he ruined yet another Christmas (and I found out he was driving the kids about whilst under influence) I had enough. We separated. I hoped he would use that time to get sober/clean and give our marriage a chance. As if. He used that time to get even more drunk/high and then fucked off with someone I considered a friend (she’s a user too, and apparently “understood him better than I ever did”). That imploded after a few months and he asked for another chance, but I divorced him. It broke my heart but he didn’t want to change or stop the drink/drugs.

Don’t leave it years like I did. It affected me, affected my kids (despite me trying to hide it from them when he was drunk)

I found empty baggies and empty bottles hidden in so many places when I was clearing his stuff out. Hideous. Please please, he’s showing you who he is, pay attention to it. He doesn’t want to stop, he’s shifting blame to you/circumstances/to everything but himself.

Put you and the kids first. Xx

Sorry I don’t know how to reply and tag people but in regards to the comment about why I work is because I have to for my own sake, I love creating and working hard and making money. I have an online eBay store that makes a good amount each month and have just qualified as a personal trainer by doing a course at home during coronavirus but our youngest isn’t in nursery yet so I cannot dedicate myself to this properly just yet. But I work from home doing my eBay store around the kids - which isn’t easy but I get it done, I take care of them, don’t get one lay in or any time off , entertain them all, do all the housework and ‘try’ to keep myself looking and feeling nice which isn’t easy with 2 young babies. I have no social life but that doesn’t really bother me as I’m so used to not having one but it’s the double standard thing, it was his friends birthday and he just said ah I don’t really want to go but I’ll go out for a meal and be home by 11pm. Fair enough, go out and have fun I said. And then I spoke to him at 1am and he’s off his face on cocaine and telling me he will be home soon, fast forward to this morning he arrives home at 6am and knocks on the door as I locked them and crashes out on the sofa. I was supposed to be going to the gym at 11am ( a rare occasion I might have had an hour to myself) and I had to try and continuously wake him up like I am his mother waking a grumpy teenager, and all he kept saying was ‘ yes, I’ll wake up in a minute’ to which I replied ‘well I can’t leave until you’re up and ready as I’m not risking leaving while you are still asleep on the sofa’ then I lost it and called him a dirty little cokehead that needs to grow up and he then went into a rage calling me rude and calling me names and saying I need to take my tablets ( I’m on anti depressants) and that I’m crazy and a psychopath and all the other names under the sun and then stars laughing at me when I’m all worked up. This is ridiculous and actually helps writing it all down as I don’t want to keep burdening my friends with this bullshit

Addicts will lie and gaslight you. Be brave and leave. He needs rehab away from you all and realise how much he can lose. You set your terms of how to deal with this and if he won't agree its over. You can only give him so many chances. It sounds as though you cannot take anymore. He has choices and needs to make them. Good luck.

he then went into a rage calling me rude and calling me names and saying I need to take my tablets ( I’m on anti depressants) and that I’m crazy and a psychopath and all the other names under the sun and then stars laughing at me when I’m all worked up.

He is vile. This sounds worse than living with a teenage boy.

And ignore the poster who asked why you work - that is so utterly not the point of the thread. And good for you for working because you want to.

It does sound like you're doing everything Op.

You need to make a firm decision about leaving and see a solicitor. Don't make excuses not to or let yourself back out. You need all the resolve you have. Your kids will be able to see him and you will be happier out of this mess.

You have to get out. No ifs, no buts, no crap about "but I love him!" If you don't, you are colluding in your children growing up in an abusive, toxic and dysfunctional environment.

You and your kids are worth far more. You sound like you are a capable person, please get out.

And there will be times during the process of leaving when you panic and think you're doing the wrong think, and he'll pull his socks up to win you back, and you'll think "oh he's so lovely, it's not his fault, he will change". And leaving will feel really scary and tenuous. DO NOT LISTEN TO THOSE THOUGHTS. Make a plan and stick to it. Tell a friend/relative what you're doing. Keep talking on here.

Oh and I forgot to add. Rehab is only good if the addict WANTS to work on stopping/quitting. You can spend all the money in the world on residential but if the addict doesn’t want to quit then it’s an expensive, peaceful, residential break for them, where they can flake without the stress of a family/real life…whilst being in their happy cloud of chlordiazepoxide when detoxing.

My friend has just given her partner of 18 years the boot;he's also a cocaine addict;she decided she was sick of his crap and that hers and the kids would be better off without him;she's right.

No I honestly fully agree, I respect all of your opinions so much and I’m very very grateful for them. This is what I’ve needed, because before I’ve posted all I’m left with is the confusion and conflicting thoughts swirling around in my brain. I have blocked all of his numbers, what do I do about him seeing the children? As I cannot heal or move on and past it if I have to see him to drop the kids off etc. I know this sounds messed up but I’m very physically attracted to him and that’s what messes Me up aswell as he’s very attractive and can be very charming when he wants to be and slithers his way back in.

I would discuss this with the solicitor/mediator . I would also see if there can be somebody present at handover time so he just has to wait in the car , or you wait in the car, And if you do need to come face-to-face it has to be a matter of fact and about the children only.

I have to ask though-do you really think he is capable of looking after the children without you there to pick up the pieces? Do you really want him looking after them if he's laying on the sofa all day? I know he has a strong relationship with them but that is propped up by you. Do you honestly think he will be able to take good care of them if you weren't there?

You sound intelligent, hardworking and lovely.

You don’t want to end up bitter and regretful, trying to explain this shit to your kids in a few years, the reasons you stayed and let this loser addict disrespect you all. The kids might have a good relationship now, because they dont quite understand (although your 9yo will know) but in a few years they will see him for the ageing drug addled loser he really is and then look to you for answers. Do you want to waste the rest of your life picking up after a manchild? Making excuses for him? Trying to make him sound better than he is? (We all know he’s a prick, sorry..)..

Please dig deep and find your anger and resolve and kick him out!

Also he’s not charming and attractive. He’s manipulative, snide, self-absorbed and vacuous. Ask yourself why you find that appealing!? Narcissists are like black holes.

@Fedup2387

I really appreciate the comments, I can hear how ridiculous this is myself and I’ve read many many posts over the years and would give people the same advice you are giving me. I think maybe where I’m at home and isolated with the 2 young babies and our 9 year old that I don’t really have a life anymore except raising the kids and working that this has become my whole world. When I pulled him up on it today after he went out for a friends birthday and I called him a dirty cokehead that needs to grow up he even replied ‘just because I have a f**king life and you don’t! I would love to have a life, but taking cocaine isn’t my idea of one! But right now my focus is the children and I’m quite happy to stay in everynight drinking cups of tea, watching Netflix and getting to bed early- not the most exciting woman to be with when you’re hooked on the buzz of the cocaine high. But then this is the problem- I resent him, and will not speak to him for weeks now and then he will come back and apologise and beg for forgiveness and tell me this and that and all the bullshit and I crumble and hold on to the good times and try to make it work for the sake of our family and so the cycle begins again, how do I just break this. I guess it’s just realising my worth and putting my bloody foot down for what I actually want out of life.

This is absolutely horrible OP. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like this.

What would you say if one of your daughters was treated this way? You wouldn’t stand for it for a moment.

He won’t change for as long as he doesn’t have to. You are worth more than this.

I was in a similar position to you but eventually left as my DH's mental health deteriorated. I supported him for many years but the addiction took hold of him completely. As other posters have pointed out, he loves the drugs more than anything and you cannot believe a word an addict says. Like your DH, mine was a good looking chap who was able to 'win' me round for many years.

In the end, I left for my children and my sanity. The relief is immense. You will make a decision when you are ready. I didn't find it helpful when people tried to guilt trip me into making a decision.

All the best OP.

Thank you all so much, you’re all like the family I don’t have but I need to hear these things from! Lol. It’s honestly like jeckyll and Hyde, if he was all bad I would have been gone alone time ago but when he’s not drugged up or on a come down and being a lazy slob he’s a hard working man that is good with money (apart from what he spends on drugs) and has a great bond with the kids and takes them out and puts time into them when it suits him, this is why it’s been hard to leave. One moment he’s this awful slob that’s sleeping in until the afternoon and not helping me and the next minute he’s mr working so hard, putting money away for the kids savings, taking them to the park , telling me how much he loves me etc. So it’s just baffling to be honest. If I’m being completely truthful my fears in a nutshell are: 1) that if I break away I will be breaking my children’s bond with their dad. 2) That he will lose interest in them and have a child/ children with someone else 3) that because I don’t have a lot of family at all that if something happens to me that my children will have no one- a fear which comes from a recent near death experience from a burst cyst on my ovarie that nearly killed me. In the daytime my fears are ok but alone at night when my head hits the pillow my anxiety swallows me up

You and your children deserve to be treated with better. You are teaching your children to put up with abuse and an example of an abusive relationship

Please leave - it will not get better and you cannot help him.

Make your children your priority if you can’t do it for yourself.

You will be fine but it may take you time to get there.

Your fears

1. Won't happen if he puts effort into maintaining a relationship with the children. Lots of people a divorced / separated.

1. There isn't much you can do about that. He may meet someone else - I pity them though. He can still maintain a bond with your children if that does happen.

1. If you died (unlikely) they would still have him as next of kin whether you're together or divorced.

@doitwithlove

If he earns lots of money, why do you work?

This question is wrong on so many levels.

OP, ignore, ignore.