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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce lawyer put me off getting divorced! Haha

78 replies

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 17:33

I've posted on here a couple of times. Difficult DH, depressed, OCD, but also can be v mean/defensive. He has emotional age of 14 yr old (gives me the middle fingers
in fights, leaves the loo seat up to wind me up, sulks, silent treatment, takes to his bed in middle of day, puts on loud action films while I'm trying to work, huffs, puffs). We have two v young DC

Anyway I vowed to stop posting on MN and just call a solicitor. And I did it. I was shaking. Sat in the car with tiny baby in back and did it.

And she was v nice. Explained a bit. But then started saying "you only had your baby six months ago, it is post pandemic, your DH needs mental health support...maybe not best time to make this decision". She suggested counselling and drawing up a post nuptial agreement (why would any DH agree to this?)

I now feel totally deflated. Took me weeks to make that phone call. Maybe i sound like im giving up too quickly. Through sickness and health all that.

She did say to come back to her if I'm sure but I just don't know why she didn't believe me the first time. She actually said "your hormones are all over the place right now" and she made me feel like I was abandoning my mentally unwell husband. Its possible to be mentally unwell AND a total prick btw

Ho hum. Dont quite know what to think now.

OP posts:

user16395699 · 10/08/2021 17:36

Speak to a better solicitor. She sounds shit.

5475878237NC · 10/08/2021 17:41

I haven't read your previous thread so if th context is key sorry. I think she has done you a favour. She has presented the other side for you to fully consider. If you still feel it's right for you and you proceed, you'll have no regrets.

Sunflowergirl1 · 10/08/2021 17:42

Well she is actually being good and saying to the OP...as an outside her decision making may be flaky at this point and to think really hard. Better than a money grabbing solicitor who couldn't give a toss

Theunamedcat · 10/08/2021 17:43

Was he like this pre pandemic?

category12 · 10/08/2021 17:58

Did you explain his nasty behaviour to her?

I would try a different solicitor. Like anyone they have their own sets of beliefs and bias. She's not the one living with it.

Original poster

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 18:03

I guess it is good to get other side. Certainly I'm struggling with prospect of losing house and kids half the week. If it was just me I'd be off in a hot minute. Yesterday he told me climate change was made up. He's currently passed out on the sofa while I look after baby and toddler. I mean....I have no idea who he is anymore

Pre pandemic. He could be an arse. But we had fun. Too much fun. Now with two babies, a mortgage and a pandemic...he is a miserable and angry git. I mean also he is unwell. And he is nearly at the point of getting help. But I've spent so long trying to help him and putting up with stuff that now I am full on resentful of him. I have two sons, I want a partner, not a teenager. I'm mid thirties. I can't bear the thought of trying trying trying for the next 40 years. But this lawyer really made me think twice.

OP posts:

layladomino · 10/08/2021 18:09

It sounds dreadful @AnotherGo I really feel for you. I suggest going back and saying you've thought it through and still want to go ahead. Or find another solicitor. He is miserable, angry, lazy, disrespectful, a useless father, winds you up on purpose, selfish, sulks, silent treatment, questionnable views, rude......... why would you want to stick around?

In sickness and health is one thing, but living with someone who shows zero respect and adds to your workload due to their own laziness is quite another.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 10/08/2021 19:03

It is often advised not to make any "big" decisions in the year after having a baby as it's like a bomb going off at the best of times.

However, it is also common for abuse to start or escalate during that period, because women are more vulnerable and abusers think they have them trapped.

Your husband may well be mentally unwell but he ALSO sounds abusive - as you observe yourself, the first does not excuse the second. Remember the adage, "He's not abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive".

Joint counselling is never recommended in cases of abuse anyway. I would drop this solicitor and contact another one. Put this down to the universe making sure you don't look back with rose tinted glasses later on.

Original poster

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 19:04

I'm sticking around because I'm terrified of losing the kids in some way. I'm the higher earner and he wants to quit his job which he hates. He has talked about not paying for childcare and him being stay at home dad. But all he does when he has the kids now is look at his phone and give the toddler chocolate and put on the telly. He barely interacts. But he will 100% quit his job to sit at home with two kids and play video games while theyre ignored. Safe but ignored. Someone replied on a post a few weeks ago saying he might get full custody and I need to prepare myself for that. I will stay with him if that's an option. I can't do that to them. So guess was looking for reassurance that couldn't happen from solicitor but got the response to keep trying. I hate him to be honest. I'm good at pretending but I hate him completely.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 10/08/2021 19:07

A good solicitor should leave you completely informed about your position and options.
A bad solicitor would hide options from you or mislead you about your position.
I think it's hard to say exactly where she falls without hearing what she said exactly. However, it doesn't sound like she is a good fit for you.

category12 · 10/08/2021 19:09

@AnotherGo

I would get on with divorcing him right now before he can establish that reality. If that's his plan, you need to get ahead of him, not wait for it to happen.

category12 · 10/08/2021 19:16

What I mean is, quitting his job and declaring himself stay at home dad isn't going to fly if he does it after you start divorcing.

If he does it beforehand with your apparent agreement and establishes the pattern of being stay at home parent, then your nightmare scenario is more of a possibility.

You need to act if him doing this is likely.

Original poster

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 19:18

He's already agreed with his work to have 3 months parental leave from January. I feel totally stuck as that's only 6 months away...if I do it now he can say "I've agreed to take them full time anyway"...if I wait he has set a precedent that he cares for his kids. I believe he believes he is obsessed with his kids and that's why he is willing to quit his job. He constantly talks about seeing more of them. But he ignores them. He just wants to be left on the sofa sitting in a pit on his phone. He's depressed. I'm currently in the garden behind a bush with the baby in tears. Every option feels totally hopeless.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 19:23

I see a lot of people on here say men say they want 5050 or full custody but soon back off when faced with the reality. My DH is a) v proud and petty and b) truly believes he's a family man. Even though today he is actually more depressed today than ever as he was up till 6am with his mates over the weekend (despite having man flu all week before). Oh there is no point slagging him off. He's a complete wanker. I'm prepared for the fight and couldn't care less how much he hates me or whatever. I'm not prepared to lose the kids. I will tolerate him rather than that.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/08/2021 19:24

But what he says he would do has less weight than him actually having done it and you having gone along with it.

I wouldn't let him set the precedent - go see another solicitor.

HotPenguin · 10/08/2021 19:28

I think the solicitor was being responsible, but having read your update I think you should press ahead ASAP. I didn't think he could take shared parental leave without your agreement? Yes he can take time off, but the parental leave thing is only if you agree to cut your may leave short. Don't do it.

HotPenguin · 10/08/2021 19:29

mat leave

category12 · 10/08/2021 19:29

You say you're prepared to fight, but you're also preparing to lose by talking about tolerating him if you have to.

Act now, while all he's got is words and intention.
Don't wait and find yourself in the very situation you're afraid of.

Original poster

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 19:31

@category12 OK. You're right. I will call another one tomorrow. I read so many horror stories about family courts and shitty dads being given 5050 etc it's hard to know what is the reality e.g. can mediators and judges seen through bullshit or him standing up and saying "she's the career one, I just wanna stay at home and care for my kids" whereas actually he means "work is a drag, playing video games in my dressing gown while ignoring my kids is preferable". I mean he's in for a shock because he only gets away with playing video games because I'm keeping them entertained mostly.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 19:35

OK. You're right. I can't let this continue. I just can't. There are some key barriers to him having full custody e.g. the baby is breastfed, he's never done a night wake with the baby, he can't drive and the toddlers nursery is only really accessible by car and the toddler loves it there etc. I'm hoping that all will help.

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 10/08/2021 19:36

Get out before he quits his job. Make sure he never has any time as a SAHD. It will look like he quit his job to avoid paying child support.

UnGoogled · 10/08/2021 19:38

He won't be able to hack it. Guaranteed.

bookishtartlet · 10/08/2021 19:41

I split with mine when pregnant with the second. Something inside me just snapped and I thought I can't go through all of this again with him. He's turned out to be vindictive and petty and childish and believes he has a god chance of 5050 shared care, but he's shown himself unreliable in many ways eg not getting my son to school regularly and missing extra curricular things.

It is hard when he has the kids, and he's yet to have the baby overnight however sometimes the break of a few hours is welcome. He never took our first dc anywhere on his own until he was over 2 years old so I never ever got a break unless my mum had him.

If you're not happy, and i wouldn't be in your shoes either, then leave. Get a different solicitor and be clear in what you want.

wewereliars · 10/08/2021 19:46

Only you know if you have had enough OP and if you have had enough you will end up hating him and hating your life if you stay.

Theunamedcat · 10/08/2021 19:47

Same advice as previous thread get official childcare never leave him with the children he cannot claim anything unless you let him

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