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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce lawyer put me off getting divorced! Haha

78 replies

AnotherGo · 10/08/2021 17:33

I've posted on here a couple of times. Difficult DH, depressed, OCD, but also can be v mean/defensive. He has emotional age of 14 yr old (gives me the middle fingers
in fights, leaves the loo seat up to wind me up, sulks, silent treatment, takes to his bed in middle of day, puts on loud action films while I'm trying to work, huffs, puffs). We have two v young DC

Anyway I vowed to stop posting on MN and just call a solicitor. And I did it. I was shaking. Sat in the car with tiny baby in back and did it.

And she was v nice. Explained a bit. But then started saying "you only had your baby six months ago, it is post pandemic, your DH needs mental health support...maybe not best time to make this decision". She suggested counselling and drawing up a post nuptial agreement (why would any DH agree to this?)

I now feel totally deflated. Took me weeks to make that phone call. Maybe i sound like im giving up too quickly. Through sickness and health all that.

She did say to come back to her if I'm sure but I just don't know why she didn't believe me the first time. She actually said "your hormones are all over the place right now" and she made me feel like I was abandoning my mentally unwell husband. Its possible to be mentally unwell AND a total prick btw

Ho hum. Dont quite know what to think now.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 10/08/2021 19:57

Act quickly. I got stuck with an accidental SAHD who did nothing but dress the kids in the clothes I laundered and laid out, but walked to school with them and soaked up the admiration. I still did night waking, Dental appointments, shoe shop, school letters, groceries, the lot. He was basically a 9-5 babysitter

Blossomandbee · 10/08/2021 20:01

Don't you have to have couples counselling/mediation before you can divorce now? Unless there's abuse involved. Sorry if I've got that wrong, but maybe she was just trying to save you going through all that for nothing. Maybe she's seen a lot of couples start the process since lockdown then change their mind.
Either way, she shouldn't be trying to put you off if you've made your mind up. You need a solicitor who is totally on your side and fights your corner, not one who doesn't think you should really be separating.

user16395699 · 10/08/2021 20:02

Joint counselling is never recommended in cases of abuse anyway.

Exactly. It's dangerous. Any divorce solicitor who doesn't know that is a shit (and dangerous) solicitor.

Having read your updates, I get the impression that there is an element of you hearing the parts of what she said that reinforce your fears and really running with those whilst perhaps not being so tuned into anything else. Same as you do when you read MN.

There are plenty of solicitors out there, you don't have to stick with the first one you speak to, especially if they're not the right fit for your needs.

AgentJohnson · 10/08/2021 20:37

Take a deep breath. The solicitor gave you sound advice and an opportunity to think about other options. I don’t believe she was trying to put you off, now you can go back to her and say I’ve understood what you said but I would like progress with a divorce ASAP.

Your kids need you to be well and staying could mess with your mh. Are your kids in nursery? If not, get them in one ASAP. Now is the time to establish a routine so when the time comes he will be fighting a status quo.

Let your anger be the catalyst to propel you forwards, rather than stagnate. Hold you nerve, explore all your option before resigning yourself to staying with this man.

GettingItOutThere · 10/08/2021 20:42

retract the 3 months paternity leave for starters, then get a better solicitor.
If you are breastfeeding, use this as a reason to retract it, you are not ready to leave baby etc
don't waste your life with this man, his mental health isnt your problem if he treats you like shit

Hont1986 · 10/08/2021 20:44

If you know you want to get divorced it will be far, FAR better to do it now while they are very young.

justthecat · 10/08/2021 20:50

100 % get a better solicitor ASAP . Listen to the facts , he sounds a nightmare to live with 💐

Dacquoise · 10/08/2021 22:14

@AnotherGo, as I always say on these type of posts, get all your financial information together and pay for a one-off session with a direct access family law barrister. They will be able to give you a realistic view of how your financial settlement is likely to pan out if it were to go to final hearing at court. They deal with the judges in the court in your area everyday and have a good idea of the leanings of particular courts. Mine cost £600 in London and saved me a fortune in legal fees as I self represented until final hearing.

I found that solicitors often focus on the administration of a divorce which can be eye wateringly expensive for what it is and rely on barristers to predict outcomes anyway. You can get this information direct and use it as negotiation with your DH in mediation.

As others have advised get moving on this quickly before your DH sets himself up as a sahp.

Dacquoise · 10/08/2021 22:18

Also Wikivorce website can give you a ball park financial settlement if you provide ages, length of marriage, assets including pensions and income.

SeasonFinale · 10/08/2021 22:21

Different solicitor - now!

Original poster
AnotherGo · 11/08/2021 07:48

I signed up to counselling myself but I'm struggling to actually attend because I have a small baby but also my DH doesn't drive and constantly needs lifts to gym etc. I told him I'm seeing a counsellor and he just said "oh you want to talk about losing the baby?" (My baby is actually a twin but I lost his brother late in the pregnancy). I tried saying I'm unhappy but he just gets v upset and shuts down.

Do you know if the counsellor ever shares their thoughts with the courts? E.g. if he attends but doesn't try or is abusive in the room etc?

He is so self pitying. Yesterday he was sulking because his holiday is half way through (he's a teacher) and he "wants to spend more time with DS1" so I suggested some days out and he just shrugged.

OP posts:
grandmashotdoodlebugs · 11/08/2021 08:04

The whole I will quit my job is a threat I believe.

What does he teach (age not subject). He will easily find employment at the drop of a hat so that's a very very easy threat to make.

Be more realistic - once you've sold the family house, split your assets and he has to provide for himself - will he want to live off nothing?

Be ready to threaten him back with how little he will have to live off on benefits.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 11/08/2021 08:11

Get another lawyer and start the proceedings pronto. Don't tell him, let them serve him. If he jacks in the job after that it is obvious he did it so he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

It's just divorce too. No-one is going to die! I think the lawyer was correct to say something but she went too far. Divorcing hm doesn't mean you can't be 'friends' once his original personality returns.

What ever you do, crack on now and keep it from him. You will massively regret it if you don't as you will have to keep him too!

SarahBellam · 11/08/2021 08:20

@AnotherGo

I signed up to counselling myself but I'm struggling to actually attend because I have a small baby but also my DH doesn't drive and constantly needs lifts to gym etc. I told him I'm seeing a counsellor and he just said "oh you want to talk about losing the baby?" (My baby is actually a twin but I lost his brother late in the pregnancy). I tried saying I'm unhappy but he just gets v upset and shuts down.

Do you know if the counsellor ever shares their thoughts with the courts? E.g. if he attends but doesn't try or is abusive in the room etc?

He is so self pitying. Yesterday he was sulking because his holiday is half way through (he's a teacher) and he "wants to spend more time with DS1" so I suggested some days out and he just shrugged.

Oh God, he sounds dreadful. Is there any way you can move out? Just rent somewhere and leave now? Or do you need to stay in the house?
beigebrownblue · 11/08/2021 08:21

It's very difficult when the first solicitor you call is not what you want.
This happened to me too in the process of leaving. Now unfortunately I know a lot more about the family court, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Looking back if I had had financial means I would have left sooner rather than later.

You probably don't have much time but I've passed it on to others on here the website 'The Nuturing Coach' No, I'm not advertising for them just think it would be of help in Family Court and it is something I wish I had had years ago when I went through similar.

Masdintle · 11/08/2021 08:21

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

beigebrownblue · 11/08/2021 08:22

[quote Dacquoise]@AnotherGo, as I always say on these type of posts, get all your financial information together and pay for a one-off session with a direct access family law barrister. They will be able to give you a realistic view of how your financial settlement is likely to pan out if it were to go to final hearing at court. They deal with the judges in the court in your area everyday and have a good idea of the leanings of particular courts. Mine cost £600 in London and saved me a fortune in legal fees as I self represented until final hearing.

I found that solicitors often focus on the administration of a divorce which can be eye wateringly expensive for what it is and rely on barristers to predict outcomes anyway. You can get this information direct and use it as negotiation with your DH in mediation.

As others have advised get moving on this quickly before your DH sets himself up as a sahp.[/quote]
I totally agree with this having been through it and think it is excellent advice.

beigebrownblue · 11/08/2021 08:23

No, counsellors don't as a rule share thoughts with the courts, unless it is a criminal or child abuse matter and they are subpoenaed in which case I believe they have to, but it doesn't often happen.

tintodeverano2 · 11/08/2021 08:32

See a different solicitor!!! Yes he may be struggling with his mental health, but why should that negatively impact yours?!?

AbstractEim · 11/08/2021 09:27

Excellent advice on this thread, act now op, either by calling back same solicitor (was she recommended? If not get recommendations and phone around.) You say your toddler is already in childcare so that’s good, your dh has no experience of caring for a toddler and baby by himself, get the process started before his paternity leave.

thenewduchessofhastings · 11/08/2021 12:13

If I'm honest he sounds like he's got ASD/ADHD.

He's immature,irresponsable,has OCD,depression and isn't able to manage simple tasks eg looking after the children properly.He also from the sound of it isn't able to hold down a job.The wanting to constantly be on the computer is a red flag too.

I'm betting the housework/cooking/shopping/laundry/general life admin/thé mental load falls to you.

Firstly get a better solicitor,counselling won't help improve your relationship with this man,he'll sit there in the counsellors office and bullshit his way through the sessions promising to take on board the advice and do x,y&z but won't actually do a thing.

Secondly do not let him have those 3 months leave if you remain with him.You already know he won't care for the kids properly and the chances are he'll quit his job at the end of it to become a complete cocklodger.

He won't be quitting his job to become a stay at home dad;he'll quit his job to be a full time gamer.

I very much doubt 50/50 custody or full custody will happen for him.Looking after your kids for a few hours is different to when you have to run a household and have them alone for a half a week.He won't want them half the week.

It won't be easy,he will get nasty,you know this but his behaviour is abusive.

WineAcademy · 11/08/2021 12:39

Adhd =/= useless, feckless, selfish, or abusive.

Original poster
AnotherGo · 11/08/2021 13:24

He lost his shit this morning because we forgot the buggy and therefore couldn't go to the shop to get something for lunch. He was like "if I have to eat another boring fucking sandwich at home". He then started saying he wants to sell the house and that is why he's unhappy. I suggested marriage counselling and he started smirking and going "yes, fine, get your own way and just add another thing I have to do". He did most of this conversation while playing a computer age and refusing to look at me. He hates his job but doesn't want another one. I said to him "if you want to sell the house and it will make you happy go for it" because I know he is literally incapable of doing such a thing. He wouldn't know where to start and he doesn't have a clue where he wants to love. But now regretting saying that. I need to disengage from talking to him about important stuff at all perhaps as worried ill say something that he could use against me

He shouted in front of the toddler which makes me feel so guilty and awful.

I've got to get the done now eh. Someone said earlier that you need to go through counselling before getting divorced?? He has agreed to go but the smirk on his face is all I need to see to know how utterly useless it would be

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherGo · 11/08/2021 13:26

Computer game (not age)
where he wants to live (not love)

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherGo · 11/08/2021 13:33

I need to start divorce proceedings before January right? As I don't know I'm meant to stop him taking it while we are still together. It's all agreed with my work and his work. Obviously if we are separate by then it might change things as it would mean huge disruption for kids.

OP posts: