Divorce lawyer put me off getting divorced! Haha

[AnotherGo]

I've posted on here a couple of times. Difficult DH, depressed, OCD, but also can be v mean/defensive. He has emotional age of 14 yr old (gives me the middle fingers
in fights, leaves the loo seat up to wind me up, sulks, silent treatment, takes to his bed in middle of day, puts on loud action films while I'm trying to work, huffs, puffs). We have two v young DC

Anyway I vowed to stop posting on MN and just call a solicitor. And I did it. I was shaking. Sat in the car with tiny baby in back and did it.

And she was v nice. Explained a bit. But then started saying "you only had your baby six months ago, it is post pandemic, your DH needs mental health support...maybe not best time to make this decision". She suggested counselling and drawing up a post nuptial agreement (why would any DH agree to this?)

I now feel totally deflated. Took me weeks to make that phone call. Maybe i sound like im giving up too quickly. Through sickness and health all that.

She did say to come back to her if I'm sure but I just don't know why she didn't believe me the first time. She actually said "your hormones are all over the place right now" and she made me feel like I was abandoning my mentally unwell husband. Its possible to be mentally unwell AND a total prick btw

Ho hum. Dont quite know what to think now.

Sorry for your loss.

at the solicitor you called. She can't be very good for business if she tries to persuade potential clients to stay in unhappy marriages. You solicitor is supposed to be your advocate, who speaks for you, articulating things you might not be able to on your own. If you and your solicitor are not on the same page it's a disaster. Keep ringing around until you find the right one.

I think it was an alright thing to say. After all, you can ring another solicitor or indeed return to her if you choose. It was probably meant kindly, based on experience.

That said, your h sounds a bit of a loser if he can’t even get to the gym without you taking him. It sounds as though you are running everything and he hasn’t really grown up.

The worries Id have about divorce would be:

Do you think the baby and toddler would actually be safe in the care of him - no experience, easily distracted?

Other than that, some people really are crap at the baby/toddler stuff but get along much better when the kids can walk/talk/do stuff with them. Might he be one of those?

If this was me I would do the following:

1. Get all your financial information together and get an idea of likely split on divorce. I have suggested up thread to use a direct access barrister. Whatever you decide to do you need information. It will make you feel better to know your situation. Most of the fear comes from unknown. He doesn't need to know about this.

2. Start your application for the divorce. The financial part is a separate application. I would apply on the grounds of his unreasonable bahaviour, one of which is his plan to avoid employment by becoming a sahp. You can list why this is not acceptable ie ignoring the children when he is in charge of them, overuse of his phone, gaming. Set out your case now why he should not be given resident parent status. Be factual. No mud slinging. Apply asap. Once the new childcare arrangements are in place you will be back peddling. Much better to say you don't want it now.

3. Once you have the information, whether solicitor or barrister supplied, offer to attend mediationregarding financialsettlementand child access. Try your hardest to get a reasonable settlement without going through court as it will vary quickly eat into your assets. Some solicitors offer a non court arbitration service ie you attend one meeting, your barristers thrash out your opposing arguments and a presiding arbitrator ajdudicates on the day. It is legally binding and avoids the stress of public court.

Talk to another solicitor. You’ve been brave once, you can do it again

OP are you married to my 'D'P?

He's just packed his bags and left. 6 month old baby here too. Sick of having to constantly ask and nag for everything. You summed it up well, teenager not a partner.

No advice I'm afraid but sending solidarity

I was seeing a therapist when I decided to leave my abusive husband. When I told her, she advised me to think carefully because I'd be on my own, I'd be isolated and because I didn't have a good support network I'd suffer.

I ended up staying for another few years and the abuse worsened. Basically she had recently divorced and was projecting her experiences onto me!

Totally unhelpful.

Don't give what she has said too much headspace OP! And definitely get another opinion.

God just divorce him, when women with young children have MH problems they don't just do nothing and huff and puff on the sofa, they have to get on with it.
See another solicitor, they should not be trying to second guess your life, it's highly unprofessional.

Thank you so so much for advice everyone. I am following the plan you've so kindly set out @Dacquoise Sent a couple of emails today to lawyers. Started making notes of what he's saying and doing. He's gone v quiet and composed. He has started to do things like start to make the toddlers dinner whereas usually he asks 'what you making DS' but he is doing it all v quietly and solemnly. He keeps staring at the kids faces all brooding and then staring at the floor. He thinks he's in his own film or something where the witch wife ruins the decent blokes life. But im on it again with the lawyers. I'm going to set up marriage counselling to show willing on my part. Good idea? He won't go or if he does will just scowl at me and be rude but thought good to show I have tried??

Good for you! He's probably sensing a change of demeanour in you and is now 'stepping up' because he fears change ahead.

Not sure whether it's worth attending marriage counselling with him but it may add grist to your mill ie I offered it, he refused or he didn't engage or was unwilling to resolve your concerns about his behaviour.

Also good idea to keep notes that show how disengaged he is with your children and family life. Courts like facts and dates. Thinking about it, three months paternal leave doesn't prove full time resident parent. You could argue that it has become clear, after you agreed to this, that his intention was to leave a job he hates and avoid employment.

This is not going to be easy. If he's always been an arse he will probably ramp it up, may get other people on side. But you sound switched on.

You are a young woman with a decent job and children you love. You don't have to carry someone that brings you down. Good luck and keep posting.

Whether or not you do counselling is irrelevant, for divorce and the financials you do not have to prove you have tried.

You might be confusing counseling with mediation.

My GOD I'm in for a rough time. I mentioned marriage counselling in a conversation today. He then went even further into himself, ignoring DC. He made dinner so angrily. I asked if he was OK and he said me bringing up possible marriage counselling was a "betrayal". He kept repeating that word over and over. "I feel betrayed by you. I struggle with my MH and you use it against me and make it about you and us, I need to be cared for, not betrayed by you basically saying you don't love me by suggesting marriage counselling"

Cue more huffs, puffs

Then he said "I always knew you were scheming back up plans because its in your nature but didn't think you'd do it to our kids"

An hour later he was trying to make small talk about love Island.

This is gonna be absolutely bloody awful

Op, does he have access to your MN account?

I really hope not. I don't think he really knows what MN is. I never look at it in front of him. Why? Because he said about me "scheming"?

And a sudden shift in his behaviour.

I would add his refusal to attend marriage counselling to your list of grounds for unreasonable behaviour. If he does have MH problems it is his responsibility to seek help, not yours. You may save yourself a lot of energy by not trying to 'fix' this. It is what it is. You would like a divorce so concentrate on that.

The way I got through my divorce, which ended up in court twice, he took me back to court to undo what he had agreed first time round, was to completely detach emotionally. I saved my venting about his awful behaviour for therapy and ploughed ahead step by step with the legalities, didn't give him an inch to get inside my head.

Do you have emotional support with this Op?

I would also deny having agreed to him taking parental leave (unless there's texts or other proof that you did). He can't unilaterally decide to give up work and become a full time sahp and expect you to meet all financial side without your consent.

I really feel for you OP, having to put up with this emotionally abusive lazy self centred useless person, while caring for a 3 month old and a toddler. It must be so hard.

This says it all:
"I feel betrayed by you. I struggle with my MH and you use it against me and make it about you and us, I need to be cared for"

He wants to be your baby, have you run around caring and paying for this grown man, its pathetic. You are not responsible for his mental health, he is, and that he is trying to make you responsible speaks volumes.

Prior advice about the direct access barrister was very good. Its absolutely true everything that was said about solicitors v barristers. They are an expensive tool, use them sparingly when necessary.

First step would be to contact your employer and let them know you are not curtailing your maternity leave, you intend to take all of it (or as much as you can afford). I think you will need the extra time off to go through all this, returning to work when baby is a bit older is sensible.

Then file the papers for divorce, you can do this online, do it before you tell him, you want to be the petitioner (means you have more control over the process).

At that point you can tell him its over. Just be factual and to the point. Unless you end up in a final hearing for financials which would be financially ruinous, the ins and outs of who did what is largely irrelevant (even in court it is really). Tell him papers are filed, relationship is over. Also make clear you are taking your full mat leave entitlement as you have realised you need extra recovery time. So he needs to inform his employer that he will not be taking leave. No choices for him, its not his choice to make, its your choice.

With regards to the financials sit down, have a look at everything (assets, pensions, savings, debts etc) and decide what it is you need. As you will be resident parent (don't doubt this your children are too young for this not to be the case) you likely have a bigger claim to assets than he does (think 60% ish). This part is usually the hardest to resolve, and in the end the most important. This is where you will likely need a lawyer but try to do as much as you can without one. The bitterness will fade but financial repercussions carry on and on.

What @Ohsugarhoneyicedtea said.

I was married to one of these menchildren. The solicitor you spoke to clearly wasn't. That phrase you said OP "I hate him completely"... You need to get out. These people suck the life out of you. You will do a far better job as a single parent, please take some of the advice you are getting here.

With there being no monetary incentive for a solicitor to say this to you, I would heed her advice, think twice before you go down this road. She’s likely seen some very broken people in her job, divorce is not always easy and whilst she’s never met your idiot of a DH she’s encouraging you to not act in haste. Good for her, you can always go back to her or a different solicited if and when you’re ready.

I started doubting myself as we have had a pleasant 24 hours at home. And he just started banging on about if women don't want to be looked at why do they insist on wearing six inch heels and tiny mini skirts to the office. That was before he started talking about the dust levels in the house. He's just so bloody awful. I look at my kids and feel so guilty. How did I get here? I've ignored red flags before and had to get our of awful relationships. I have some terrible habit of picking terrible men and trying to fix them and then resenting them and then leaving. But now I've done it with two tiny little bebes. I'm an idiot. He didn't used to be thus bad. I just can't help but think are all men actually awful. Why as soon as you get close to them and live with them do they treat you awfully and start spouting off misogynistic crap. I'm not even able to answer back. Not because I'm scared but because he is not v smart and will start to get annoyed and we will have a fight and I don't want an atmosphere when my toddler comes home from nursery. So I just look busy and smile and just walk out the room. How did it get to this??? I feel so down on myself. I couldn't care less about being lonely or single. I want men out of my life. How do I make sure my son's are better men that these entitled pricks I see everywhere. Sorry. Rant over. No where else to rant.

You can’t go to counselling with him because he’s emotionally abusive. It’s not recommended to go to counselling with an abusive person as he will manipulate the counsellor and come out the victim.

Don’t doubt yourself.

You are right to leave him. Hold onto that.

Get another solicitor.
Sounds like he won’t actually want the kids 50%, too much like hard work.

I can reassure you that there are lovely men out there (my husband of many years amongst them).
Start divorce proceedings immediately before he tries to claim to be main carer to the children. The longer you procrastinate the worse it will be.
I think legal separation starts as soon as you state it in writing so I'd send him a text or email then detach completely. Stop trying to please him or even speaking to him.
Ideally get him to leave but got a feeling he won't do that so start living separately in the same house. Stop doing anything for him or even listening to his pity parties.
Yes it will be awful but you're just prolonging the pain at the moment. Let's face it, it's awful already.