How long is too long to wait?

[emmaxelmo]

Hey guys,

Literally at my wits end with myself. Me and the OH have been together nearly 7 years now and it feels like he's never going to propose. We've discussed marriage before and he's said it's something he wants so I just don't get it. We're both straight forward people so I'd like to think he wouldn't tell me he wanted it if he doesn't. He's traditional so he told me he doesn't want me to propose and he'll want to ask my dad etc. But I'm watching all of my friends getting engaged and married one by one and they've all been together for less time than us. I've hinted what rings I like and I always home that I'll be grey before I'm in a wedding dress. He knows that it's something I really want. I don't want to push him on it or make him feel pressured so I don't bring it up very often but I'm getting sick of waiting.

We've lived together for 4+ years and between us we have 2 kids. I'd like to add that I love him deeply and I know he loves me. If it's something he really didn't want then I'd find a way to be happy with it but he's adamant that that's not the case. I feel so stupid and unreasonable getting upset over it all the time. Like I wouldn't even expect to get married for a while. I'd be happy with a long engagement and I'm not a fussy person so I'm not expecting a big white dress and a horse and carriage anyway.

So my question is, how long is too long to wait? Am I being silly with all this? How long did it take your FH's to propose?

TIA
Emma

Answering how long won't help so ill say - you need to talk

Do you want kids with him? Is it contingent on marriage?

So Bob, i know we've talked before about wanting to get married but well, we're still not. Is ot still something you want? What is ot you're waiting for before you decide you want to propose?

Etc

As for how long you wait, that's up to you. Is ot worth throwing away the relationship over? If so tell him a deadline or of you think he'll feel forced just tell yourself the deadline. But there's no rule that days you have to stay or howl ong for

How long is a piece of string. DH and I were together 7 years before he proposed BUT we met at 19 and we had to finish uni and grow up a bit before marriage was even a discussion. We then married very quickly after that.

To me 7 years isn't that long, but if you both have kids I assume you were older when you got together.

Don't believe the crap that your boyfriend is traditional. You live with your boyfriend that is not traditional. You don't say if any of the children are yours together.

Your boyfriend hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to marry you.

I said he's traditional not Christian. It's religion that says you shouldn't live together or "be" together before marriage. I meant he has traditional wedding views.

He's traditional so he told me he doesn't want me to propose and he'll want to ask my dad etc.

Ask your dad? That alone would be reason enough for me to end it. How fucking absurd. But I digress...

Sorry, op, he just doesn't want to get married. After 7 years, a man knows what he wants, and he knows marriage isn't it. If you really want to be married, stop wasting your time on this one, and agreeing to a "long engagement" would be a huge mistake. It's just another way to allow him to keep stringing you along.

We've discussed marriage before and he's said it's something he wants

I'm sorry to be harsh but if he wanted to marry you, he would have already.

You need to stop waiting for him to decide your life. He hasn't asked you to marry him because he doesn't want to and is stringing you along

I see many similar posts on MN about this situation. You live a married life already and I assume the kids are from previous relationships? If you want further children with him I would insist on marriage and not move forward without it. If you dont want children with him then what is it about marriage that is so different to what you have now? You seem in love and happy, what's the anxiety behind not being married?

As I already put, we have talked. Multiple times. And he always assures me it is something he wants. We've discussed what places we prefer and who we'd invite. He has told me in detail the kind of wedding he'd like.

Neither of us want more children and as I said if he didn't want marriage I'd find a way to be ok with that. It's not a deal breaker but it's just starting to feel like it will never happen when he's said it definitely will.

I don't want to timeline it as you never know what is going to happen ie he got made redundant out of the blue 2 years ago. We've had 2 cars die on us. Kids have been ill etc.

I just don't know wether to stop hoping and just not get married?. I'd be fine if we didn't but because he's said he wants to then obviously it's something I dream about.

Does he know how distressed you are about it? Have you actually talked about how you feel? There's no right or wrong length of time, and nobody but you can tell you how long you want to wait.

It sounds like there's no difference in what will happen though, anyway, so it's all a bit academic, isn't it? He asks you to marry him, he doesn't ask you to marry him, either way, you stay together.

The kids are from previous relationships and We're good not having anymore. We are happy and it's not a deal breaker for me but I keep getting my hopes up as he's said it's something he definitely wants. We've had in depth discussions about it and he's the love of my life so of course I'm thinking about marrying him. I just feel stupid for getting upset about it. I don't know how to explain it other than I don't know if I should just take marriage off the table so I don't keep hoping for a proposal?

I know. It's one of those questions but yes I'm nearly 30 now and he's 31. Got the kids and the house so it just feels like the next step I guess? I know some people take longer than others but I get upset when I get my hopes up. My family all have long lasting marriages and they were all married before 30. Maybe im just giving myself an internal clock on it

"I just feel stupid for getting upset about it. I don't know how to explain it other than I don't know if I should just take marriage off the table so I don't keep hoping for a proposal?"

Oh my goodness we are not living in a Charlotte Bronte novel this is the 21st century! Stuff him for making you wait for when HE is ready for a proposal just go to him and ask him to marry you!!! You already live a married life so its all academic. Just do it! If he says no then you have your answer, you then can take marriage off the table and continue having a nice life as you are....living already as a faux married couple.

I guess im just trying to decide wether I should just take marriage off the table?. I get upset because I get my hopes up. I wouldn't think twice about it if he didn't want it. As I said I feel like my feelings are unreasonable as I'm not going anywhere.

As I already put, we have talked. Multiple times. And he always assures me it is something he wants.

No he says it is something he wants, his actions show it clearly isn't.

I really don't understand what all the fuss is about "a proposal". Talk to your boyfriend. If you agree that marriage is something you both want then decide together to get married. It really it's that complicated.

What you say makes sense but he comes from a family that have always followed a traditional wedding style and I respect how he feels on it. He wouldn't appreciate me proposing when he's made it clear that he wants that to be his job. Same as he doesn't take my views for granted. We have alot of respect for each other. But I guess you're right that I'd get my answer. I think I'll just ask him outright how he'd feel if I took marriage off the table and go from there.

I couldn't be with be with someone that friggin passive. That being squd, you've been exceedingly chill yourself clearly because if I got 6 months past that convo (once) and he still hadn't proposed, I would have said 'so are we getting married or not because I'd like to book the church for the spring. And anything less than a proposal right then and there I would have ended things because he's taking the piss'.

*for the spring'

I would take marriage off the table. If he wanted to marry you he would have done by now. You can acknowledge his words of how he says he wants to be married but always accept the action....which is nothing, so you have your answer there.

He has never shied away from making his opinions and feelings on things very clear in our relationship. I trust that he's being honest as he always has. My question was about my own feelings. Maybe show a little tact if you're going to attempt advice.

And op, he isnt traditional. He lives with you, he is shagging you and it's 7 years in and he still hasn't proposed. Stop listening to his bs.

That's the thing, I wouldn't end the relationship although I respect that there are people who would. We never set a timeline or anything. I'm a patient person. I'm just questioning my feelings over it as it seems stupid to be upset over something that I could go without.

Again. That's a religious thing, not a traditional thing 🙄

But you've broached the topic, he has said yes and then made no move to back up his words with actions. So that's really not respectful at all. It's like he is selling you what you want to hear and then never following through. Really, it's all hot air if his actions dont match his words.

Think I would just tell him that it's time to move ahead with it and ask him if he is in or out.