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Relationships

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Original poster

How long is too long to wait?

93 replies

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 16:41

Hey guys,

Literally at my wits end with myself. Me and the OH have been together nearly 7 years now and it feels like he's never going to propose. We've discussed marriage before and he's said it's something he wants so I just don't get it. We're both straight forward people so I'd like to think he wouldn't tell me he wanted it if he doesn't. He's traditional so he told me he doesn't want me to propose and he'll want to ask my dad etc. But I'm watching all of my friends getting engaged and married one by one and they've all been together for less time than us. I've hinted what rings I like and I always home that I'll be grey before I'm in a wedding dress. He knows that it's something I really want. I don't want to push him on it or make him feel pressured so I don't bring it up very often but I'm getting sick of waiting.

We've lived together for 4+ years and between us we have 2 kids. I'd like to add that I love him deeply and I know he loves me. If it's something he really didn't want then I'd find a way to be happy with it but he's adamant that that's not the case. I feel so stupid and unreasonable getting upset over it all the time. Like I wouldn't even expect to get married for a while. I'd be happy with a long engagement and I'm not a fussy person so I'm not expecting a big white dress and a horse and carriage anyway.

So my question is, how long is too long to wait? Am I being silly with all this? How long did it take your FH's to propose?

TIA
Emma

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 08/08/2021 17:20

There was another thread a few weeks ago which ended in the OP's dp proposing!

Umberellatheweatha · 08/08/2021 17:21

@emmaxelmo

Again. That's a religious thing, not a traditional thing 🙄

What on earth do you mean by tradition then op?

Men asking women? That's just been commonplace for the world for a long time. I wouldn't say coming from a background where it was like that for his parents means that he is traditional lol.

litterbird · 08/08/2021 17:24

I think when you mention traditional OP some of us think of courting days that lead to asking the father for the hand in marriage (which your OH does want to do), the engagement whilst still living separately then the marriage where you move in straight after the vows. Your feelings for wanting to be married are valid as marriage seems to be an important part of your life. For 7 years your partner has said the same but hasn't done anything about it....how about, as mentioned, one last push and go and ask him this evening. The anxiety you are carrying over this must be making you feel really bad.

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 17:29

Tradition as in him asking me and our families both giving us their blessing. It's how both of our parents did it and how theirs did it before etc. It's something we both have respect for.

We both felt that living together first would be best so we know that We're truly happy. After all you can date for a long time and then move in together and find you're not as compatible as you thought you were. Sorry for not explaining the tradition part properly.

OP posts:

SmallChairs · 08/08/2021 17:30

@KatherineJaneway

As I already put, we have talked. Multiple times. And he always assures me it is something he wants.

No he says it is something he wants, his actions show it clearly isn't.

This. The vast majority of the time, what people do is what they want, not what they say they want or think they should want. If he actually wanted to marry you, and you were willing, you’d be married by now.

It’s very depressing to see so many Mn posters posting about this exact situation, as though it’s entirely bitmap for women’s wishes to have to wait on male ideas. Which, weirdly, are so often in favour of ‘tradition’ (which now seems to operate chiefly as a male euphemism for ‘Willing to shack up with you but not to marry you, so I’m just coming up with random stuff to distract you.’

Twizbe · 08/08/2021 17:31

From your updates I think the conversation has to change.

Marriage gives both partners legal rights. Without marriage you don't have those rights. It's important that together you understand that and decide what that means for you.

So for example, do you have wills? Have you established guardianship of your children? Are their other parents involved? Do you own a house?

The next conversation with him is if he doesn't want to marry (which is fine by you) you need to sort out all the paperwork which gives you a version of these rights.

If he doesn't want to do that, he isn't in it for the long haul with you.

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 17:32

Again I apologise for not explaining the tradition part properly. I'd be inclined to believe he was stringing me along if he wasn't so openly honest about everything in our lives. I guess the anxiety and upset comes from knowing it's something he wants but seems in no rush to do and I really don't fancy being grey when I get married. Thank you for your advice though. You're right. I'll just ask him how he'd feel about taking marriage off the table if it's not something he sees happening soon and go from there.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 17:37

It took my other half 7 and a half years. Ignore the people here who try to attack men over every little thing.

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 17:37

We both have wills and life insurance and shared ownership of things etc. We are on each other's for everything. Including the kids should anything happen. Despite us not having the children together we've both stated should anything happen we'd want to maintain the relationship with them as we see them both as fully ours.

We talk alot about everything in life and are very open and honest with each other. If marriage was off the table then I'd stop getting my hopes up so I think that's the next topic of discussion. We're happy and I don't see the point in me getting upset over something that isn't a necessity.

OP posts:

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 17:39

Thankyou! Honestly he's a wonderful man and he's never anything but honest with me. I'd love to get married to him but I don't want to keep getting upset waiting so think I'll just take it off the table :)
Seems silly that I didn't think of it before really.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 17:41

He wouldn't appreciate me proposing

But you don't appreciate him not proposing. Why is what he appreciates at the top of your priority list, when what you appreciate is something you're willing to take off the table, because you think it's just silly?

Minimising, and even dismissing your own feelings so that things can be the way your partner wants them is a terrible blueprint for a marriage or even a relationship or friendship.

Why do you give yur feelings so little importance here?

ElspethFlashman · 08/08/2021 17:43

Whose house are you living in?

Does he have a will?

Does he have life insurance?

Do you work outside the home?

Do you have your own private source of money?

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 17:44

If you'd read my other messages you'd see that it's a tradition we both respect. I'm not minimising my feelings at all. I would be happy if we didn't get married. It's just him taking his sweet arse time and me getting upset and impatient when I realise now I could just take it off the table and get on with life.

OP posts:

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 17:45

Read my previous replies. We share everything.

OP posts:

Twizbe · 08/08/2021 17:54

The fact that you've sorted all the legal bits out means that he does see a future with you.

I think you just need to say to him that you'd like to get married now and could you agree a timeframe for that

Sakura7 · 08/08/2021 17:57

OP you're putting his wants far ahead of your own. You want to get married but you're prepared to stay with him if he doesn't want to. His excuse about doing it the traditional way is nonsense, there's nothing stopping him from doing that right now if he wants.

You need to take control here. Tell him the time has come to get married, you've been together a long time and if the relationship is going to move forward you need to start planning your future now. See how he reacts, if he tries to stall again tell him you're not prepared to wait any longer, his chance at 'traditional' has passed because he faffed around for so long.

I spent seven years with a man like this who claimed he wanted marriage one day, but he never had any intention of doing anything about it. He was just stringing me along. I'm now engaged to a wonderful man who is excited about marrying me. You deserve that too OP.

Actions speak louder than words, and I think you know deep down what your answer is here.

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 18:00

@emmaxelmo

So you've minimised your feelings to the extent that you've decided to simply stop wanting something, but you say you're not minimising your feelings at all.

OK. What is is you've done with those feelings then?

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 18:01

@emmaxelmo

Read my previous replies. We share everything.

Except your feelings on this rather large issue.

Ineedaduvetday · 08/08/2021 18:04

Honestly he's a wonderful man and he's never anything but honest with me.

But he talks about marriage but hasn't proposed in 7 years. That is a message in itself.

Maybe show a little tact if you're going to attempt advice.

You've asked for advice but you clearly don't want to hear it. After 7 years if he wanted to marry you he would have asked already. Please read the signs. He says things but doesn't follow through.

Kite22 · 08/08/2021 18:06

I said he's traditional not Christian. It's religion that says you shouldn't live together or "be" together before marriage. I meant he has traditional wedding views.
and
again, that is a religious thing not a traditional thing

Nope. You are wrong. It has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with tradition.
You keep mentioning him wanting to be traditional about the wedding, well, if he wanted to be 'traditional' he wouldn't be living with you before you are married, let alone have dc.

Twizbe 's posts make a lot of sense.
Just have a conversation for goodness sake. Put it on the table that he has said he would also like to get married and that you would like to start planning it now, so what would he like to do (in terms of time frame / sort of wedding you want).

I can't understand how someone can be in a relationship with someone, share a home, bring up dc together, and not be able to have a conversation with them.

Sakura7 · 08/08/2021 18:16

I can't understand how someone can be in a relationship with someone, share a home, bring up dc together, and not be able to have a conversation with them.

Probably because they know the conversation won't go the way they want it to, and then the ball is in their court to accept it or not. The thought of breaking up is scary. So they choose to believe he's going to propose in his own time, even though all the signs say otherwise.

In my experience these kinds of relationship almost always break up eventually, with the man usually marrying his next girlfriend.

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 18:16

I've just said I'm happy if we don't. I don't see how that's minimising my feelings. I'm hopeful for it but it's not a deal breaker.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 08/08/2021 18:19

Have you given up anything financially, such as working part-time, since you've been together?

Put it this way: if you two split up in ten years' time (without being married) then would you be in the same position regarding jobs and pensions?

Original poster

emmaxelmo · 08/08/2021 18:20

It's one thing not things. Other than this we don't say something and not follow through, we don't let each other down or break promises. You're literally basing your advice on him being full of words and not actions but for our whole relationship, other than this, that hasn't been the case at all.

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 08/08/2021 18:23

I've just said I'm happy if we don't. I don't see how that's minimising my feelings.

Of course it is. It's clear from your OP that you really want to get married, and that's perfectly normal. The fact that it's not happening is frustrating and upsetting for you. Those are your feelings and they are absolutely valid.

To say you're happy if it doesn't happen is contradictory. You're trying to convince yourself that you'd be fine with that, when it's obvious you won't be. That is minimising your feelings.

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