How long is too long to wait?

[emmaxelmo]

Hey guys,

Literally at my wits end with myself. Me and the OH have been together nearly 7 years now and it feels like he's never going to propose. We've discussed marriage before and he's said it's something he wants so I just don't get it. We're both straight forward people so I'd like to think he wouldn't tell me he wanted it if he doesn't. He's traditional so he told me he doesn't want me to propose and he'll want to ask my dad etc. But I'm watching all of my friends getting engaged and married one by one and they've all been together for less time than us. I've hinted what rings I like and I always home that I'll be grey before I'm in a wedding dress. He knows that it's something I really want. I don't want to push him on it or make him feel pressured so I don't bring it up very often but I'm getting sick of waiting.

We've lived together for 4+ years and between us we have 2 kids. I'd like to add that I love him deeply and I know he loves me. If it's something he really didn't want then I'd find a way to be happy with it but he's adamant that that's not the case. I feel so stupid and unreasonable getting upset over it all the time. Like I wouldn't even expect to get married for a while. I'd be happy with a long engagement and I'm not a fussy person so I'm not expecting a big white dress and a horse and carriage anyway.

So my question is, how long is too long to wait? Am I being silly with all this? How long did it take your FH's to propose?

TIA
Emma

If you read my replies you'll see we've had many conversations. Theres not one aspect of our lives we havent discussed. And also it does all stem from religion. Not being physical or living together before marriage came from Christianity. We're not religious and We're also not from the 1800s. Everyone has different traditions.

Please dont tell me how I feel. Of course I want to get married. But I don't need to. I'd love to marry the love of my life but our relationship doesn't hinge upon wether we do or not.

@Twizbe

The fact that you've sorted all the legal bits out means that he does see a future with you.

I think you just need to say to him that you'd like to get married now and could you agree a timeframe for that

He's very serious about a future with me. I don't doubt his feelings for me at all.

I think that could be an idea. I'll just ask if we could do some sort of timeframe or just take it off the table. I just don't want him to feel like I'll walk away because of it as it's not a deal breaker for me.

Your giving really mixed messages. I bet your partner is confused. Dont tell him you will take marriage off the table as that truly isnt what you want.

You say your honest with each other but your not. Your making out it's no big deal but your clearly upset. I bet your partner hasn't got a clue because your saying all the wrong things to him.

Tell him you want to get married, and soon. Tell him your happy with the traditional approach but you want to get on with it. I bet it will be the first time he realises how you feel.

Your so passive I bet he doesn't realise you want it soon as your still quite young and you keep telling him your fine.

My heads in a spin from all the mixed messages you've given here. I cant imagine how he feels.

Please dont tell me how I feel.

I'm not. You've made it very clear in your OP how you feel. Now you're trying to backtrack because you don't like the answers you're getting.

It's shit, I know, I've been there. And I wish I had been more assertive instead of believing his excuses.

I could “talk in detail” about opening my own private zoo, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

If he wanted to, he would.

He doesn’t want to.

He knows how I feel. I've told him it's what I want. I've told him the kind of wedding I'd want, the ring I'd want. Even down to the food. However I'm not going to pressure him into rushing it as I respect his feelings and wants aswell. I'll make this clear. It's something I WANT. Not something I NEED. I'm not passive in the slightest. If I want something, I tell him. But I have enough respect not to badger him about it. I honestly can't believe how many people on here are so narrow minded. If a man was pressuring a woman cos he wanted it he'd be an arsehole. The whole point of my post was questioning my own feelings over all of this.

@emmaxelmo I sort of said that to DH too. I said I didn't want to be together 10 years without being married. I also had to renew my passport and driving licence at the same time. I told him I didn't want to do it and then have to pay to re do it again for a name change. That gave a very clear deadline for a wedding lol.

@Sakura7

Please dont tell me how I feel.

I'm not. You've made it very clear in your OP how you feel. Now you're trying to backtrack because you don't like the answers you're getting.

It's shit, I know, I've been there. And I wish I had been more assertive instead of believing his excuses.

You are. You're telling me I wouldn't be happy if we didn't but I would. It's something I WANT not need.

And why is it excuses? He's never pulled punches on anything he says with me. He's always brutally honest. So why would I doubt that he wants it? Im sure he does but is just slow as shit.

I was questioning my own feelings. We're in a happy, loving and respectful relationship and we share everything together. I feel ridiculous for getting upset over something that I could live without.

That's actually a pretty good reason for a shorter timeline 😂 renewing everything is always annoying.

But I have enough respect not to badger him about it. I honestly can't believe how many people on here are so narrow minded. If a man was pressuring a woman cos he wanted it he'd be an arsehole.

Having a conversation about your future is not badgering or pressuring. It's normal for people in relationships to talk about what they want to ensure they're on the same page.

It sounds like you're terrified of scaring him off. Surely if you have a secure relationship you can talk about these things.

I had sooooo many people tell me that DH didn't want to get married, was stringing me along, if he wanted it, he'd have done it.

Looking back I totally let them get into my head. He told me he did want marriage but just wasn't ready. Given our ages that was fair enough. Sure DH could have proposed when we were 20, but if I'd suggested marrying him then everyone would have told me I was nuts and 'what's the rush'

@emmaxelmo

That's actually a pretty good reason for a shorter timeline 😂 renewing everything is always annoying.

Yep, I really didn't want to have to do everything twice

@needsomepeace321

But I have enough respect not to badger him about it. I honestly can't believe how many people on here are so narrow minded. If a man was pressuring a woman cos he wanted it he'd be an arsehole.

Having a conversation about your future is not badgering or pressuring. It's normal for people in relationships to talk about what they want to ensure they're on the same page.

It sounds like you're terrified of scaring him off. Surely if you have a secure relationship you can talk about these things.

And Again, we do talk. If I constantly talk about it that would be badgering. He's not going anywhere and neither am I. For all I know he has his own timeline. If I tell him I'd rather take it off the table than wait then he'd respect that. I respect his decision to not rush anything, doesn't mean I don't feel upset about it sometimes. He takes his time with alot of things. Just for him I think he doesn't care when we get married as we will get married, but for me I'd rather it sooner than later. I've realised now we need to meet in the middle or take it off of the table.

@Twizbe

I had sooooo many people tell me that DH didn't want to get married, was stringing me along, if he wanted it, he'd have done it.

Looking back I totally let them get into my head. He told me he did want marriage but just wasn't ready. Given our ages that was fair enough. Sure DH could have proposed when we were 20, but if I'd suggested marrying him then everyone would have told me I was nuts and 'what's the rush'

Thankyou for this. I truly believe he does want to get married. I just don't think he's in any hurry. The older I get the more upset I get I guess as I'm watching everyone around me get married. But I think I need to realise We're not everyone else. We're both happy so it is what it is :)

Just work out how you each would be financially if you split up. If you are financially reliant on him at all. Your share of his income, pension etc. Work it out as you are now, not as you want to be. If that is okay, then carry on but if you lose out big time, you need to take a long hard look at your choice to remain in the relationship. I know you don't want to hear it, but I am afraid that he doesn't intend to marry you

I honestly can't believe how many people on here are so narrow minded. If a man was pressuring a woman cos he wanted it he'd be an arsehole

You're so far off the mark, OP, and that's what happens to people who have to resign themselves to not having something they've always wanted. Anybody that threatens that feeling of resignation will get dismissed.

You've essentially posted to say 'How long will it take my lovely man, who understands me inside out, to give me what I want?' and then within an hour or two, said 'Oh, I've decided not to want it! What a fool I've been to want something!'

What do you want people to say? 'When you want something in your relationship and your partner keeps you dangling for years, despite the fact that you've made your wishes 100% clear many times... just forget it! It's the key to happiness!'

It really isn't the key to happiness. Suggest that people who aren't patting you on the back for this life changing decision you've made are 'narrow minded' demonstrates how defensive you're feeling.

@Byheckythump

Just work out how you each would be financially if you split up. If you are financially reliant on him at all. Your share of his income, pension etc. Work it out as you are now, not as you want to be. If that is okay, then carry on but if you lose out big time, you need to take a long hard look at your choice to remain in the relationship. I know you don't want to hear it, but I am afraid that he doesn't intend to marry you

We are good on that aspect. Everything is equal and shared. We're each other's next of kin, recipient of life insurance, in each other's wills etc.

If he doesn't want to then he needs to say it. He's never been anything but straight forward with things that he wants so I have no reason to doubt him.

OP you mentioned that you spoke many times that you would like to marry him, and you both have detailed the kind of wedding you would like. Can I ask, understanding that he knows all this about you, how does it make you feel that he still hasn't asked you to marry him? How does it make you feel that he knows it may be hurting you and still he has done nothing? What is that like, in light of the fact you share a life, a home and you are involved in each others children's lives, still he has not asked you to marry him?

I was in a long term relationship (may years longer than you) and any time we spoke of the future it was always "next year or the year after" to be married, next year never came and my resentment killed any love I had for him in the end. I felt that I wasn't good enough to be committed to, just good enough to share the bills, clean the house, iron the shirts, make his life easier, but never good enough to claim as his only. Just please think seriously about your future, you deserve to have the things you want, life can be very long when you sacrifice what you want to make someone else's life easier.

We're each other's next of kin, recipient of life insurance, in each other's wills etc.
Sorry, but that can all be changed in a day. I am only saying this so you make your choices fully aware of what can happen.

@TheFoundations

I honestly can't believe how many people on here are so narrow minded. If a man was pressuring a woman cos he wanted it he'd be an arsehole

You're so far off the mark, OP, and that's what happens to people who have to resign themselves to not having something they've always wanted. Anybody that threatens that feeling of resignation will get dismissed.

You've essentially posted to say 'How long will it take my lovely man, who understands me inside out, to give me what I want?' and then within an hour or two, said 'Oh, I've decided not to want it! What a fool I've been to want something!'

What do you want people to say? 'When you want something in your relationship and your partner keeps you dangling for years, despite the fact that you've made your wishes 100% clear many times... just forget it! It's the key to happiness!'

It really isn't the key to happiness. Suggest that people who aren't patting you on the back for this life changing decision you've made are 'narrow minded' demonstrates how defensive you're feeling.

Your opinion on my decision isn't narrow minded. The fact that most have just assumed that he's full of words and no action and stringing me along is narrow minded. This is the only thing in our lives he hasn't acted upon. Everything he says, he does.

And I haven't just decided to "give up" or resign myself to anything. I've just realised that if it's the waiting that's upsetting me then I just take that away. If it's not on the table then I don't need to think about it. We're perfectly happy as we are. I don't need a marriage. I'm not denying I'd love one but it's not a deal breaker for me. It's not something I need to be happy in our relationship. It's just taken me a minute to realise that. And you've just jumped on that realisation and attacked it.

We just both decided to get married and set a date. No fancy proposal 🤷

First child born exactly two months after wedding day....three more DC since. Married almost 15 years. Carpe Diem. Life is too short!!

@Dontbeme

OP you mentioned that you spoke many times that you would like to marry him, and you both have detailed the kind of wedding you would like. Can I ask, understanding that he knows all this about you, how does it make you feel that he still hasn't asked you to marry him? How does it make you feel that he knows it may be hurting you and still he has done nothing? What is that like, in light of the fact you share a life, a home and you are involved in each others children's lives, still he has not asked you to marry him?

I was in a long term relationship (may years longer than you) and any time we spoke of the future it was always "next year or the year after" to be married, next year never came and my resentment killed any love I had for him in the end. I felt that I wasn't good enough to be committed to, just good enough to share the bills, clean the house, iron the shirts, make his life easier, but never good enough to claim as his only. Just please think seriously about your future, you deserve to have the things you want, life can be very long when you sacrifice what you want to make someone else's life easier.

It upsets me sometimes, ive admitted that. But as ive said before, he assures me its something he wants, he's just not in a rush. I'd be inclined to doubt him if he wasn't so honest in all other aspects of our life. Sometimes I just feel like I'm getting too old to get married which is daft really but it's how I feel sometimes.

I don't resent him at all and he is my future. He never makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I wouldn't call it a sacrifice to take it off of the table. I've been in long term relationships before and never wanted to get married. In all honesty, I'm the happiest I've ever been. It took a minute but I've realised that I can honestly take it off the table and still be happy. My emotion is over the wait and I don't need to be emotional. He's made it clear to me a million times that I'm his only. I don't need a ring and paper for that to be true. I think getting it all out on here helped.

My best friend just asked me a very good question. "Do you see a different future if you don't get married?". And no. I don't. I still see us growing old together and fulfilling all our dreams together either way.

So I'm gonna thank everyone for all their advice and take my leave. Life is for living and we've got alot of living to do yet