How long is too long to wait?

[emmaxelmo]

Hey guys,

Literally at my wits end with myself. Me and the OH have been together nearly 7 years now and it feels like he's never going to propose. We've discussed marriage before and he's said it's something he wants so I just don't get it. We're both straight forward people so I'd like to think he wouldn't tell me he wanted it if he doesn't. He's traditional so he told me he doesn't want me to propose and he'll want to ask my dad etc. But I'm watching all of my friends getting engaged and married one by one and they've all been together for less time than us. I've hinted what rings I like and I always home that I'll be grey before I'm in a wedding dress. He knows that it's something I really want. I don't want to push him on it or make him feel pressured so I don't bring it up very often but I'm getting sick of waiting.

We've lived together for 4+ years and between us we have 2 kids. I'd like to add that I love him deeply and I know he loves me. If it's something he really didn't want then I'd find a way to be happy with it but he's adamant that that's not the case. I feel so stupid and unreasonable getting upset over it all the time. Like I wouldn't even expect to get married for a while. I'd be happy with a long engagement and I'm not a fussy person so I'm not expecting a big white dress and a horse and carriage anyway.

So my question is, how long is too long to wait? Am I being silly with all this? How long did it take your FH's to propose?

TIA
Emma

It’s all on his terms, isn’t it? He wants a traditional wedding, he wants to ask your dad and propose. He wants to do it when he’s ready, no matter how many years that is or what your feelings are. I’d have a serious think about what you actually want and then talk to him about it.

@Whattodoaboutnothing

I’m sorry OP. I’ve seen this play out many times. The man usually meets someone else and asks them to get married within a year or something like that. And you’ve ‘waited’ near on a decade. You’ve already started to downplay expectations. Don’t want big wedding etc etc. You’re the only one compromising. It doesn’t bode well. I’d invest in some serious counselling to discuss what your life next steps are and why. In answer to your question. I didn’t wait at all. He knew when he met me that he wanted me to be his life partner and mother of his children. I decided when we would make that ‘official in the eyes of the law’ - as I had a long period of study to finish.

Again with the assumptions. Me not wanting a big fancy wedding has nothing to do with him 😂 I've never wanted one. I like simple and quiet. That's just my taste.

It's just taken me a minute to realise that. And you've just jumped on that realisation and attacked it

That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're actually saying now that there's an attack. Nobody's attacking you. We have watched you decline a major want of yours, and we are wary for you. The fact that you're saying it's taken a minute to realise is minimising the process you've been through of realising that you will not be offered what you want by your partner. Nobody is telling you it's a need, yet you keep defending yourself by saying it's only a 'want'.

Wants are important, especially this one, and I'd imagine you've been imagining that you'd be getting married for a lot longer than 7 years, and it's taken you much longer and much harder work than 'a minute' to let go of that.

The thread is like watching somebody say 'I've got this amazing dream I've had for ages, I've got it all planned out, I've thought of the finer details, it's going to be so wonderful and make me so happy... but to hell with dreams. It's not a need, so, sod it.'

OP - I’ve read your updates after posting previously. If you’re happy with the situation then just disregard what I said - I’m sorry. I got the impression from your opening post that the wedding was all about what he wanted, but it sounds like you’re ok with it after all.

In my view 7 years is too long to wait. You know long before then whether you want to spend the rest or your life together or not.

He says there is no rush but when exactly is he going to propose? 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? Ridiculous.

If you want to get married you need to talk to him and tell him that. Why change your mind when you obviously do want to get married.

No way on earth would I live with someone for years without even having a date set to be married

My DH is traditional (not religious at all) and he didn't want to live together but be married as he felt marriage was special and living together wasn't. We never lived together before we married and have now been very happily married for 40 years

You say you share everything and are each other’s names beneficiaries but that’s not the same as the question someone asked earlier - if you broke up in ten years (and of course wills etc are changed) would you be in the same position as him career and pension wise? That’s what you need to focus on. Are you working part time to care for his children or anything, or are you working full time and paying into a pension at the same rate as if you weren’t living with him?

That’s where the security of marriage could come in very important as other things can be changed immediately upon separation but a decade plus of career and pension sacrifice can’t.

If he doesn't want to then he needs to say it.

He has. His lack of action.

OP, you keep saying he says he wants to marry you. You need to take some control here and make him aware of just how much it not happening is upsetting you. With that information a person who genuinely does love you and wants to marry you would pull his finger out and propose and not go through life with you feeling this unhappy.

Hi OP I just wanted to comment on some things you’ve said, not to attack you but perhaps to clarify things for you.
You have said all these things:-
I’m at my wits end, he knows it’s something I really want, I’m getting sick of waiting, I get upset because I get my hopes up.

We are very open and honest with each other, we don’t let each other down, we’ve had many conversations about it, he knows how I feel, I’ve told him it’s what I want.

I’m afraid this doesn’t gel - can you see that he has not been open and honest with you by not giving you any timescale and he has let you down by not (apparently) being affected by the strength of your feelings about wanting to get married.

Already too long. I'd walk.

Maybe he's secretly putting money away for one of the rings you've described but struggling to save

When you say he's traditional...do you mean he's the boss and what he says goes?

If marriage is important to you then you have to make it a deal breaker of being in a relationship with you.

This topic is frequent in MN.
The problem is that men who don't want to get married will string women along with a million excuses and the women accept it (or have to just put up with it at least).

Sit back and relax about it.
You sound lovely and so does your relationship.

From what I've seen in my own circle of family and friends men are desperate to marry their female partners, but the partners don't in general have children before marriage.

The men love, respect and cherish their partners too (from what I can see) and what to marry them because of that.

@emmaxelmo

Again. That's a religious thing, not a traditional thing 🙄

It really isn’t

Why does there need to be a ‘proposal’?
You live together, have kids, just make a decision and plan a wedding together.
I never understand some MN posts where ppl can’t just talk to their partner.

Ultimately you need to be honest with yourself about whether it's a deal breaker. It's the kind of situation that can lead to a lot of resentment if one person puts their feelings aside to keep the other happy.

Did this man rush to sort out wills, life insurance policies etc?.

He says there is no rush but when exactly is he going to propose?. What is he waiting for?. When the kids leave home, when he hits a milestone birthday?. He is as happy as a clam with his life with you whereas you are not. Minimising your wants and otherwise trying to diminish your own feelings here diminish you.