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Relationships

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Original poster

His response to moving in, please help!

87 replies

MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 13:35

Met someone last summer and fell head over heels. I’m mid 30s he’s 39. Quite a serious careful chap but with a great sense of humour. It’s our one year anniversary (if you even call it that!) next month. We currently live 60 miles apart but not a huge drive if that makes sense. We spend Friday/Saturday to Tuesday together so a reasonable chunk of the week. We said we loved each other a few months ago.

Frankly I was sick of driving back and forth. We both work long hours and the thought of carrying on packing a suitcase throughout winter was not appealing. Of course that’s not the main reason, the main reason is I miss him and want to progress the relationship.

It’s not possible for him to move because of proximity to his work. I suggested I move to him. Not a big move with furniture etc but base myself there and go back to mine to check on it every couple of weeks.

He was silent. He said he wasn’t sure. Said he loved me and wanted to be with me but he wasn’t sure about this and maybe it was too soon. My main worry is that he has zero relationship history, just a string of a few week encounters. We are happy together and speak often when apart. We spend most of our free time together. It doesn’t make sense to me for us to be travelling extensively as we are. We are also not that young and if we want a future then this hesitance doesn’t bode well? He claims he does want to see where things go but this reaction has surprised me. Any thoughts? I’m on the cusp of calling it a day :(

OP posts:

TheStoic · 08/08/2021 13:39

Well, I like my own space. So I’d be thinking very carefully about ever living with someone else.

But do you want kids and marriage?

Original poster

MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 13:40

@TheStoic yes and we’ve both said we want these things to the other. Everything seemed great between us so I don’t understand his reaction

OP posts:

HappyWipings · 08/08/2021 13:44

Obviously if this is a deal breaker then you should end it , but I do think you're being hasty.

Just because you're ready to progress it doesn't mean he is too.

Original poster

MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 13:46

@HappyWipings yeah, just wasn’t expecting it. Not sure where to go from here it’s sort of stopped me in my tracks a bit

OP posts:

Whenwhy · 08/08/2021 13:46

I think you need to have a honest conversation. On the one hand, he might have just been surprised and not expecting it. Perhaps he needs some time to let it sink in? However it could be he just isn't ready yet.

TheVanguardSix · 08/08/2021 13:46

You're right, OP. It doesn't bode well. He likes the status quo, you don't. And you're willing to upend your own stability just to be with someone who won't even meet you half way, it seems.
You're on the cusp of calling it a day and there's a reason for that. Trust yourself.

TheVanguardSix · 08/08/2021 13:47

And I don't think you're being hasty. Last summer? A year ago. And you're older. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to progress one year on.

Neveranynamesleft · 08/08/2021 13:49

Why do you have to pack a suitcase for every visit, cant you leave basics/essentials at his ??

TheStoic · 08/08/2021 13:49

If you want those things, then the relationship does need to progress.

At a time that suits you both, have a proper conversation about how you see your future. If he has no timeframe in mind, or it doesn’t suit you, you need to know now.

tinglymint · 08/08/2021 13:50

You both need to be ready to live together. It's only been around a year? If he's not yet ready to live together that's his prerogative. No need to rush it or call it a day just yet if the relationship is great otherwise.

Original poster

MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 13:50

@TheVanguardSix yeah that’s how I feel. I’m more concerned that he doesn’t seem to acknowledge his own age, he will be 40 soon! I almost feel like if he really wanted to settle down and he was unsure about me after a year then surely you end it, find someone you do want that with. I wonder if really he isn’t bothered about settling down as he’s said all this time

OP posts:

MiaRoma · 08/08/2021 13:51

You need to have a conversation with him. Get some idea of his time frame and if that's doable for you then see if he sticks to it

If its not doable for you , end the relationship

If he doesn't stick to it, end the relationship

FirstCupOfTeaOfTheDayIsBliss · 08/08/2021 13:53

I thinknits quite soon to be wanting to effectively move in with him. I'd want some time to process the idea and evaluate the impact. I'd probably have responded similarly to him - he'd effectively lose his 'me time' for a couple of weeks and you would lose yours. Would you have friends and hobbies there or would you expect to spend every evening with him?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 08/08/2021 13:53

The long weekends you've been spending together - are they at his place, yours, or both?

Have you talked about children? Do you want any?

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/08/2021 13:58

To be honest I'd be really wary. I had a relationship with someone that went a similar way. Every step of progress was reluctant, and we eventually moved in together after 3 years. I moved out 11 weeks later as it was just awful. He was never committed, liked his life exactly as it was and wasn't willing to move forward, despite saying he wanted marriage and children.
Thank god though - he was a controlling arse. I was fairly angry tbh as I felt for a while I'd wasted 4 years of my thirties and possibly the last chance I would have for another child on someone who essentially didn't want what I did, but was never honest about it.

litterbird · 08/08/2021 14:22

"My main worry is that he has zero relationship history, just a string of a few week encounters."

His relationship history says it all really. Don't be surprised that he will never want to move in with you or anyone else. This time it really isn't you its just how he prefers to live his life.

"He was silent. "

There may have been no words said but the action is loud and clear. Always listen to what is said and equally what is not said. Sorry OP I really dont think this one is for you, I would move on pretty quickly.

Zilla1 · 08/08/2021 14:22

How many days or weeks of thinking did you give this in reality before you mentioned it? How much time have you given him? Even if you are spur of the moment and he is someone to consider his next moves, your being taken aback might not be reasonable.

LemonViolet · 08/08/2021 14:37

I wouldn’t end things over this, in fact, I didn’t. About 18 months after DP and I got together, I had to move out of my 1-bed flat and was moving to a 3-bed place and naturally raised the idea that he could move in with me if he wanted to, it just seemed like a straightforward idea to me. The panic was somewhat amusing! He just wasn’t ready, it took him completely by surprise. I’ve lived in many many places over the years, alone, with friends and with partners, he still lived with his Dad having never moved out for various reasons. It wasn’t the massive deal to me that it was to him. Similar ages to you now as well. 40 isn’t some massively advanced age any more, especially for men.

A few years later he raised the idea of moving in with me himself, and we bought a house together last year, all initiated by him. Still very happy together. Both on the fence about children, there is still time for that option but neither of us are definitely there yet and I’m philosophical about both options.

Respect his feelings on this. Either give him the time and space he needs, or move on if for some reason it’s a dealbreaker for you, but don’t mistake not being ready to live together full time and wanting to keep some of his own time and space for now, for not deeply caring about you and seeing a future with you. Both can be true.

WatieKatie · 08/08/2021 14:42

A well written post OP.

I can understand his reservations, I’ve lived alone for eight years and my DP & I live apart. However we are both at a different stage in life to you.

A year is a reasonable timeframe to ask and I’d be looking for a commitment such as moving in together around this point. Personally I’d be very honest about where you see the relationship going, timescales and how his lack of commitment to moving in made you feel. I’d then ask what idea he has in mind time wise.

Ultimately you will need to set a deadline in your head and if things haven’t changed by this point walk away. Another 6 to 9 months would be where I’d be at. But don’t tell him this.

Withgasoliiiiine · 08/08/2021 14:43

As you're mid 30s and want a family, I would be planning a conversation with him in which I'd be asking for a timeframe for moving in even if not now, seeing as you live some distance apart.

I'm the same age, single and looking, so not saying this to rush you, more that he sounds happy with the current situation and may not feel any impetus to move it along. I know it's not a long, long distance relationship but if those are the things you want, you need to be sure you both want them, not that you're allowing a pleasant setup to drift on indefinitely rather than have a potentially difficult conversation.

SilverRoe · 08/08/2021 14:43

I think when you progress things often depends on what your mutual goals are. If you want marriage and a family and he said he did too, with both of you in your thirties, it seems completely reasonable to think about this step now. But, it doesn’t sound like this is what he really wants. It’s quite easy to say you want the same thing as someone else but if the actions don’t match up then it’s only words. At nearly 40 and wanting to start a family you’d think if he meant it he’d be up for this next step. Think you may have what people on here call a ‘future faker’ on your hands.

Original poster

MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 14:45

@litterbird

"My main worry is that he has zero relationship history, just a string of a few week encounters."

His relationship history says it all really. Don't be surprised that he will never want to move in with you or anyone else. This time it really isn't you its just how he prefers to live his life.

"He was silent. "

@litterbird what puzzles me is why he would always say he wants to settle down/this relationship was serious to him. That’s been his narrative from day 1!

OP posts:

larkstar · 08/08/2021 14:54

I hope it's not this - a friend of mine, now ex-friend - doesn't want a permanent serious relationship because he uses massage parlours and prostitutes all the time - has done for years. I knew he had girlfriends for short periods of time but I don't think he ever made any effort to take them seriously. It didn't take me more than a couple of weeks to decide I just felt too uncomfortable with this so stopped all contact with him; I hated what he was doing.

Hopefully - it's not that but - I have to say OP - this does not sound promising - it sounds like the first in a long line of problems to me - what is the problem with people just being open, upfront and honest with each other!?

litterbird · 08/08/2021 14:59

@MySettyDay......I have always been taught acknowledge the words but only accept the actions. As he has got no relationship history and no long term relationship experience I can only imagine that this is a fantasy life he is wanting. However, at the end of the day when you have given him the call to move in and move the relationship on his old patterns of behaviour have set in. He is realising that he just cant do it. Hence his relationship history. Can you chat to him and see what or if there are any commitment anxieties that are running him? If you think that is too difficult to broach then give him some time to get his head around the request from you. Not everyone wants the standard relationship of meet, move in, marry, babies etc. Some are happy to be in a relationship but live apart. Works well for many. However, this is not for you. Give him a bit of time and see how he feels, but dont waste too much of your time as you want to move on and settle with children.

Withgasoliiiiine · 08/08/2021 15:00

Not casting aspersions about your bloke, OP, but I've been dating for 4 years now, with a number of 1-8 month relationships, some 'situationships' all mostly with mid- late 30 something professional men. I've realised a pattern of meeting really interesting, nice, accomplished, decent men, having a good few months with them, being told they want kids etc only for it to end as they have zero flexibility and are happy as they are. I don't think they're lying exactly, or not interested in me at all, just very set in their ways.

As I say, not trying to say this is your DP but I have met a lot of them, who like the idea of settling down but it's still quite abstract at this stage. It's impossible to tell as they treat you nicely, say all the right things, and as I say, probably mean them to some extent. Deffo better to find out sooner rather than later if his intentions are realistic , or just sometime in the future.

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