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Original poster

His response to moving in, please help!

87 replies

MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 13:35

Met someone last summer and fell head over heels. I’m mid 30s he’s 39. Quite a serious careful chap but with a great sense of humour. It’s our one year anniversary (if you even call it that!) next month. We currently live 60 miles apart but not a huge drive if that makes sense. We spend Friday/Saturday to Tuesday together so a reasonable chunk of the week. We said we loved each other a few months ago.

Frankly I was sick of driving back and forth. We both work long hours and the thought of carrying on packing a suitcase throughout winter was not appealing. Of course that’s not the main reason, the main reason is I miss him and want to progress the relationship.

It’s not possible for him to move because of proximity to his work. I suggested I move to him. Not a big move with furniture etc but base myself there and go back to mine to check on it every couple of weeks.

He was silent. He said he wasn’t sure. Said he loved me and wanted to be with me but he wasn’t sure about this and maybe it was too soon. My main worry is that he has zero relationship history, just a string of a few week encounters. We are happy together and speak often when apart. We spend most of our free time together. It doesn’t make sense to me for us to be travelling extensively as we are. We are also not that young and if we want a future then this hesitance doesn’t bode well? He claims he does want to see where things go but this reaction has surprised me. Any thoughts? I’m on the cusp of calling it a day :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 15:10

@Withgasoliiiiine

Not casting aspersions about your bloke, OP, but I've been dating for 4 years now, with a number of 1-8 month relationships, some 'situationships' all mostly with mid- late 30 something professional men. I've realised a pattern of meeting really interesting, nice, accomplished, decent men, having a good few months with them, being told they want kids etc only for it to end as they have zero flexibility and are happy as they are. I don't think they're lying exactly, or not interested in me at all, just very set in their ways.

As I say, not trying to say this is your DP but I have met a lot of them, who like the idea of settling down but it's still quite abstract at this stage. It's impossible to tell as they treat you nicely, say all the right things, and as I say, probably mean them to some extent. Deffo better to find out sooner rather than later if his intentions are realistic , or just sometime in the future.

@Withgasoliiiiine this is exactly how I feel about this scenario. He’s a great person and I am so happy with him. But he’s very inflexible, he says he wants these things and I do believe him but he’s had almost 20 years of non commitment. I honestly don’t think he knows how to progress something as any progress impedes on his single life. That’s not my issue though and I feel I need to take a massive step back now :(
OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 15:23

I know a nice nearly 42 year old chap who would like to settle down with an equally nice woman and have children. Professional, kind, clever, funny, with a good, normal relationship history. Very loyal.....

You interested op :-) ?

SixesAndEights · 08/08/2021 15:28

Where do you spend your time? Is it an equal split between the two of you?

Onelifeonly · 08/08/2021 15:31

I do think some people (not just men) can get 'set in their ways ' in their mid to late 30s. They like the life they have and any massive change is threatening. Or maybe they weren't the marrying kind in the first place, despite pursuing partners in their 20s. I know several people like this, including within my own family, who simply have never had committed long term relationships, are well past 40 and seem very happy in their lives, but it feels like they like to have things all their own way, even as friends - with an effort a tiny compromise might be considered, if you're lucky.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 08/08/2021 15:35

Why don’t you speak to him, ask what his worries are and discuss things and the things you both want together then you could say in another 3 months reassess things. If he’s not there yet why push it, just be as open and honest with each other
as you can be, compromise but don’t settle.

Original poster
MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 15:39

@Plumtree391

I know a nice nearly 42 year old chap who would like to settle down with an equally nice woman and have children. Professional, kind, clever, funny, with a good, normal relationship history. Very loyal.....

You interested op :-) ?

@Plumtree391 yes!
OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/08/2021 15:46

OP,

His relationship history and his hesitation is his truth.

He likes his life the way it is.

Do not waste your time on dragging a guy to the next stage.

At his age they know when they want it and the go after it quickly.

His words are meaningless.
Believe him and move on.
Flowers

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 15:49

I didn't see anywhere that you have a job. Do you have a job?

Mountaingoatling · 08/08/2021 15:51

Give it six more months. You can't end a relationship every time you want different things. If there's no change in either of your thinking or circumstances then, then it is an impasse. Right now it's an opportunity to work as a team.

Original poster
MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 15:55

@Ihavehadenoughalready

I didn't see anywhere that you have a job. Do you have a job?
@Ihavehadenoughalready yes of course! I work in London but only go to office once a week, as has been the case for the last ten years. Doesn’t matter where I am based if that’s what you mean.
OP posts:
Original poster
MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 15:55

@Mountaingoatling

Give it six more months. You can't end a relationship every time you want different things. If there's no change in either of your thinking or circumstances then, then it is an impasse. Right now it's an opportunity to work as a team.
@Mountaingoatling good point. I feel worried as I’m now mid thirties though… don’t want to waste time.
OP posts:
Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 08/08/2021 15:56

My boyfriend didn’t have much of a history prior to me either, but he’s the loveliest man. He’s short and I think his self esteem was a bit battered but just unlucky till we met I think so it doesn’t always mean there’s something wrong with someone.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 15:57

And, how does your job fit into this situation? You can commute 60 miles each work day? WFH? Trust fund baby? You speak about his relationship history but not your own?

These bits of information you haven't shared may all play into his reaction to you asking to move in with him.

knittingaddict · 08/08/2021 16:01

@litterbird what puzzles me is why he would always say he wants to settle down/this relationship was serious to him. That’s been his narrative from day 1!

Settle down generally or settle down with you? If he was saying that your relationship was serious from day one then I would be concerned about that. Unless you knew each other well before you started dating then he couldn't possibly know if your relationship together was serious. That decision takes time to develop. Not always a long time, but it needs some time to test it's viability.

ChickenTimeBomb · 08/08/2021 16:05

Is he travelling to you half the time? If not then I'd ask him to split the travelling. His reaction to that might give you an idea about whether he's serious about you or if it is just convenient.

knittingaddict · 08/08/2021 16:05

@Ihavehadenoughalready

And, how does your job fit into this situation? You can commute 60 miles each work day? WFH? Trust fund baby? You speak about his relationship history but not your own?

These bits of information you haven't shared may all play into his reaction to you asking to move in with him.

Where do you get trust fund baby from and the WTF?

My husband's daily commute has been at least 60 miles for the last 3 decades plus of his working life. Lots of people do it. Maybe I've misunderstood your post.

Original poster
MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 16:05

@Ihavehadenoughalready

And, how does your job fit into this situation? You can commute 60 miles each work day? WFH? Trust fund baby? You speak about his relationship history but not your own?

These bits of information you haven't shared may all play into his reaction to you asking to move in with him.

@Ihavehadenoughalready I work remotely and one day in London. I have no financial issues and a good job. No trust fund (strange comment?) but have multiple homes of my own. I’m not wanting to live with him as a source of funds.

Relationship history is I was with someone 6 years they cheated, I ended it. Before that a few shorter relationships

OP posts:
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 08/08/2021 16:12

Are you doing all of the driving to him?

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 16:14

Where do you get trust fund baby from and the WTF?

I was asking OP a question. I was imagining all different scenarios because she hadn't mentioned a job.

Actually she does WFH most of the time, she updated that info.

Sorry!

Original poster
MySettyDay · 08/08/2021 16:14

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Are you doing all of the driving to him?
@BringOnTheOtherWorlders I’d say 90% but that’s because I don’t have to go into an office for work. Hes willing and would come to me more but we’d see each other less overall.
OP posts:
Suprima · 08/08/2021 16:16

He doesn’t want to live with you

Don’t worry about him initially saying he wants to settle down, look at what he has done. You have been together a year, doing a domestic thing for half the week and he has made no effort in moving things forward.

Now is the time to step back- don’t say ‘I want to live with someone and you aren’t ready’, a breezy ‘This relationship isn’t going where I want it to’ will require him to think and prioritise what you want. He might do a complete 180 when he realises what a dealbreaker this is for you. He also might not.

If not- I’m sorry he has wasted your time. You have a lot of PPs excusing this man because it’s ‘only been a year’ and they like their own spaces- but as you are mid thirties and the idea has been to settle down- he is being very cruel.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 16:22

OP,

Sorry about the trust fund baby comment, I was, as I said, imagining how you were living not having mentioned you had a job and went right for the possibility that you were wealthy beyond belief and didn't have to work!

So it sounds like what some others have said; that he is not ready, and you need to prepare yourself that he may never be ready, and give it some time but don't let him drag on as you are forever if that's not the relationship you want.

Good luck to you both.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2021 16:23

His relationship history woukd make me very wary. Nearly 40 and never had a serious relationship? There is definitely a reason for that. As for his pretty words about wanting a future with you, they are just words, and I wonder how many other women he's said the same things to. It may even not be the case that he's a liar, he may genuinely think he would like those things, he just can make the sacrifice when it comes down to it.

Believe his actions, and don't waste too much more time.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 16:29

@knittingaddict

My husband's daily commute has been at least 60 miles for the last 3 decades plus of his working life. Lots of people do it. Maybe I've misunderstood your post.

My commute is 13 miles/25 minutes by car so I had assumed 60 was sort of out of the question on a daily basis. It would be for me.

I guess I have it good. Sorry for the confusion.

Monstertrucks · 08/08/2021 16:33

If this conversation came out of the blue to him then he was likely taken by surprise. I would be tempted to leave it a few weeks then have a discussion about what you are both wanting from the relationship. Move on of no change.