His response to moving in, please help!

[MySettyDay]

Met someone last summer and fell head over heels. I’m mid 30s he’s 39. Quite a serious careful chap but with a great sense of humour. It’s our one year anniversary (if you even call it that!) next month. We currently live 60 miles apart but not a huge drive if that makes sense. We spend Friday/Saturday to Tuesday together so a reasonable chunk of the week. We said we loved each other a few months ago.

Frankly I was sick of driving back and forth. We both work long hours and the thought of carrying on packing a suitcase throughout winter was not appealing. Of course that’s not the main reason, the main reason is I miss him and want to progress the relationship.

It’s not possible for him to move because of proximity to his work. I suggested I move to him. Not a big move with furniture etc but base myself there and go back to mine to check on it every couple of weeks.

He was silent. He said he wasn’t sure. Said he loved me and wanted to be with me but he wasn’t sure about this and maybe it was too soon. My main worry is that he has zero relationship history, just a string of a few week encounters. We are happy together and speak often when apart. We spend most of our free time together. It doesn’t make sense to me for us to be travelling extensively as we are. We are also not that young and if we want a future then this hesitance doesn’t bode well? He claims he does want to see where things go but this reaction has surprised me. Any thoughts? I’m on the cusp of calling it a day :(

There are people who chat about about the future and say what they 'see' happening but as soon as the time comes for action or commitment in moving that forwards, they baulk. Sounds like this is what has happened.

"if I asked for petrol contribution he’d do it no doubt. "

Its not about the money, its about the effort.
You're having to pack, travel, not be in your own space, and then travel back. Currently he's having a relationship deliver itself to his doorstep and then you leave again and he gets a few days to chill - why would he want to change that?

You're paying a significant cost in energy and time and effort that he just isn't matching at all, and if you get something for free then you tend to value it less.

@StormTreader that happened that way as it was the best way to spend time together. I get what you’re saying but where do I go from here? He’s offered many times to come to me and it’s me that declines it. I don’t see the point in him having to get up at the crack of dawn and drive miles and miles to work when I can just stroll out of bed to my laptop at his? It seems an idiotic thing to do to ‘address the balance’ between us. He always acknowledges that I come over and seems to appreciate that. He’s never expressed that he wouldn’t come to me - he does just not as often. That’s been driven by me though entirely.

Him coming to me would mean less time together. He finishes around 7pm, takes 20 mins for him to get home, even if he left at 7.20 he’s be at mine by quarter to 9. Hardly much of an evening together. Hence why I have gone to him.

I can understand hesitancy after a year but in combination with his lack of relationships I think this isn't going to go anywhere, I'm sorry

He may not be lying per se about wanting to settle down, it's just the kind of thing that sounds better in theory than practice for a lot of men his age

It's like I've been saying for years there's a particular hobby I want to take up, but then I can never quite find the time or motivation -- the reality defeats me

I would see what he says when you next see him. Maybe he needed to think about it for a few days and is more positive about it now? If he's still not interested though I think it would be okay to think about ending it, you don't have endless amounts of time to wait around

I think you need to really spell it out to him. Ask him if he really does want all the things he's said - moving in kids etc. And explains to him that the next step is moving in together. Give him a set time to think about it but there's no point in staying in a relationship that's not moving forward in n the way you both said you wanted it to.

[quote MySettyDay]@TheStoic yes and we’ve both said we want these things to the other. Everything seemed great between us so I don’t understand his reaction[/quote]
@MySettyDay it doesn't mean he wants marriage and kids with you though.

Unless there are very compelling reasons, a man genuinely serious and enthusiastic about marriage and kids (and has has the right character to take on the natural self sacrifices this entails) wouldn't still be single at 39 with only a string of casual encounters behind him.

The fact he hasn't mean making as much effort as you in terms of the relationship is another red flag. If you're sleeping with him, he's just enjoying the convenient casual sex you're providing. Please break up with him, you're worth far more than this. Id also be concerned that a man like him could be hiding a pornography addiction.

I think the above posts are giving good advice.

When a man is genuinely keen, a woman just knows, when he's not, she is confused.

That is the truth.

If he was on the same page as you he would be enthusiastic.
He's not.
Deer in the headlights means he may be future faking.
At his age he shouldn't be surprised.

He could really like you and enjoy your company but he also really likes the status quo.
That's ok but you need the truth and to not get strung along.

I think at your ages, it has been long enough to be taking the next steps in the relationship. If he wanted the same thing as you, he would be trying to progress it just as you are. So it really doesn’t look very promising right now.

I don’t know if today is the day you call time on it, but you need to decide when to do that, I would think you would not want to be in the same situation in six months so maybe that narrows the right time to someone between now and six months. But I suspect he likes his life just as it is.

Don't gamble with your future of the marriage and kids you want, OP. At his age, he knows what's up, that if he strings you along a bit, not being intentionally nasty or lying to you but knowing in his heart it'll be years before he might be ready, then you might end up being too old to meet someone else and get pregnant etc. He knows that, you're not both 20.

I'd definitely have the conversation and act on it and decide what you want to do. A year is long enough at late 30s to know if the person is someone you see settling down with.

You need to really have it out with him and don’t let him duck out of a genuine honest conversation about your future. He could just be using you for regular sex and company, want nothing more, and has been saying whatever you want to hear to get you to stick around. Don’t let him waste your time. He doesn’t need to want to move in immediately but I think if he really wanted babies with you he’d want to get on with it too.

No relationship history at 39?

red flag

I'm with every other poster on this thread, he's been going along with the relationship because it's nice, you are nice.

Does he want to settle down and get married and have children? I doubt it.

If I were you (and with your money/financial security) I would go and get professional fertility advice, get your eggs frozen and then have a honest conversation with him about your life's goals.

If he doesn't feel the same then you know and you can date other guys for a year & then get a sperm donor.

He will know you are serious if you have been to the fertility clinic and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

If he steps up and takes action to keep you and give you what you want, then great, but he needs to want the same things as you.

I think you are worth more, everyone should be in a relationship with someone who is passionate about them.