He says I’m selfish, am I?

[Selfishnelv]

I recently just made it official with a guy I’ve been seeing. He’s gone away to see his family who he misses very much since moving away from them. I’ve mostly given him his space to just enjoy his family. Someone I know, not particularly close to but someone I’ve known for a long time, a lovely lady passed away yesterday and I was feeling sad. Some other things had happened that day too and I was feeling really down.

I called him late last night just asking if he was free, he said umm not really. I told him somethings had happened that made me sad. He sighed and said “ I’m away at the moment is there any chance we can talk about this another time?” I was surprised, I said someone I know died. He said he’s sorry to hear that but I’m being selfish putting this on him while he’s away. I just got off the phone a bit bewildered

We haven’t spoken today but I’ve been questioning if I should of left it? I thought if we were together I could come to him when I’m upset? It’s not exactly trivial matters, but then again I wasn’t close to this lady.

How late at night did you call him?

I'm very sorry for your loss and he probably shouldn't have said it was selfish.

However, just asking if he was free, he said umm not really. Why ask when you were going to ignore his answer? If you've just made it official, why not call a friend or family member who will support you?

It was about 10pm at night. We usually catch up at that time anywhere so wasn’t out of the norm

I suppose I went to him because it was my closest friends mother who passed away. We have recently become really close and said I love you to each other. I suppose I should of really thought

Woah that's awful . I'm so sorry op. He sounds heartless. If anyone called me upset because sometime close to them had died then I would comfort them.

If my partner rang Me at three am or in the middle of a visit and told me someone in their life had died. I would 100% make time to speak to them. My dog died last week and my dp held me while I sobbed. I'm so sorry that your bf was so cold towards you 💐💐

I feel the same. I’d absolutely be there for someone if they came to me looking for support. I know he can’t do anything but I just wanted to hear his voice. I even said I just wish you were with me

@Selfishnelv

I feel the same. I’d absolutely be there for someone if they came to me looking for support. I know he can’t do anything but I just wanted to hear his voice. I even said I just wish you were with me

That bit was selfish of you. You said he hadn't seen his family for a long time. You wanted to let him enjoy his time with them. And then when he said he wasn't free...you guilt tripped him by saying you wished he was there with you .

Yes he was cold to you that was shit and I'm sorry for your loss - but this bit was not great of you either.

When he said he wasn’t free, I said okay. He said what’s wrong. So I told him.

I appreciate I shouldn’t of said I wish you were with me, but I did. Just a hug. I wasn’t wishing him to come back earlier or something

Context matters here. If you demand his attention often when he's doing other things then I could see why he would be annoyed that at 10pm you call and tell him someone you weren't close to had died. It sounds a little bit attention-seeky.

That said, I can also see that if you were very upset, and if he's the person you're closest to in the world, then you might want a chat with him.

The problem is you asked if he was available and he said no. For all you knew he could have been having a similar conversation with a family member and was already dealing with a difficult conversation, when it would have been 'off' for him to drop them so he could talk to you about someone who you admittedly weren't close to, dying.

On this one incident alone I don't think you are necessarily selfish or that he was necessarily thoughtless. It would depend if this sort of thing happened regularly.

OK, maybe he couldn't talk so that's fair enough but to blame you and call you selfish isn't good.

An empathic person would say "really sorry can't talk, let's try tomorrow".

Tread carefully with him. He may not have empathy and that's essential for any relationship.

I think I'd probably cool off on the relationship, to be honest.

This one's not a keeper. If he isn't prepared to offer a bit of emotional support when someone has died, then wtf would you want to keep seeing him?

He sounds lacking. I want someone with a bit more empathy than that.

Cross posted with Firefly

We obviously feel the same!

When he said he wasn't free to talk you should've listened. But it was an unfair overreaction of his to call you selfish.

Perhaps your timing was off, but you were upset. He doesn't sound particularly understanding, patient or kind.

I understand. I didn’t push it, he asked me what was up. I wasn’t close with her but I’ve grown up with her, I’ve been best friends with her daughter for 30+ years. I wasn’t being needy I just felt sad. It’s true I expected him to have a lot more empathy than what he’s given me. Especially as he hasn’t checked into today

Is there a reason you couldn't have talked to a friend about it? Saying you wish he was there is quite manipulative. It's not 'sweet' it's meant to elicit a reaction.

I don’t know he’s been my go to for all things. And I’ve been his go to. I just wanted to speak to him

He won't change. He will never be there for you emotionally. Just dump him and move on. My husband is really bad at emotional support and honestly I wish I'd seen it as a red flag when we were dating. Cut your losses and find someone else.

Sorry you were upset. Could you use this free time while he's away to be with your best friend? She must be devastated and perhaps you could comfort each other.

It probably wasn't intentional but you shouldn't have blurted out "someone's died!" when he said he was asked to talk another time. It sounds a bit like you're trying to guilt trip him for being away.

He told you 2 or 3 times he couldn't really talk and you kept pushing for his attention. That's what's selfish.

If you'd have phoned and said "sorry to bother you but I've just found out x's moms passed away and needed someone to talk to" he may well have reacted differently, but the way you approached it was you just ignoring his needs and expecting him to pander to yours.

You think you are having a close and supportive relationship in which you love each other, with all that entails.

He thinks you are having sex regularly and going on dates.

You two are not in the same relationship.

You were not being selfish - that's ridiculous. He's an arse for saying that. And I am very sorry that you were feeling down and he made you feel worse.

Make him officially an ex. You can do better.

Sounds like he’s not that into you, sorry.

He is the selfish one. Surely he could have taken a few minutes to listen to you and comfort you. Most people would, even if they weren't in a romantic relationship with the person who needed comfort. To be so dismissive sounds heartless. (Or autistic?)

It's manipulative to be distressed in a moment of shock and grief, and to say this out loud? What? Why is any honest expression of emotion labelled 'manipulative'?

Some of these posts sound so obsessed with performative social conventions that they have forgotten humanity or genuine connection.

How long have you been seeing him? How old are you both?