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Relationships

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Original poster

He says I’m selfish, am I?

80 replies

Selfishnelv · 07/08/2021 18:12

I recently just made it official with a guy I’ve been seeing. He’s gone away to see his family who he misses very much since moving away from them. I’ve mostly given him his space to just enjoy his family. Someone I know, not particularly close to but someone I’ve known for a long time, a lovely lady passed away yesterday and I was feeling sad. Some other things had happened that day too and I was feeling really down.

I called him late last night just asking if he was free, he said umm not really. I told him somethings had happened that made me sad. He sighed and said “ I’m away at the moment is there any chance we can talk about this another time?” I was surprised, I said someone I know died. He said he’s sorry to hear that but I’m being selfish putting this on him while he’s away. I just got off the phone a bit bewildered

We haven’t spoken today but I’ve been questioning if I should of left it? I thought if we were together I could come to him when I’m upset? It’s not exactly trivial matters, but then again I wasn’t close to this lady.

OP posts:

ferando81 · 07/08/2021 23:12

Are you sure it was his family he was seeing ?Seems a bit abrupt and missing his family after only a month seems a bit off .To be honest if he thinks your selfish after only 6 months ,I doubt he will be hanging around

GertietheGherkin · 07/08/2021 23:41

Maybe he's regretted moving away from his family, and going back to visit has probably made him realise that deep down there is where he wants to be.
You say you usually check in with each other around 10pm? Is that every night? Has it been every night since he's been away?

The maths of the friendship with the friend 30 plus years? And you're both 30? How does that work exactly?

It certainly doesn't seem to be the same relationship for him, as it is for you. Saying you wished he was with you, whilst he's spending time with his family may have suggested to him that you resent him being with his family and think he should be with you instead.

Just because you exchange I love yous, it doesn't mean life turns into a fairytale. He obviously wants his time with family uninterrupted. How you feel about that is your choice. If he's not meeting your expectations then maybe he's not for you.

longtompot · 07/08/2021 23:59

@romdowa

If my partner rang Me at three am or in the middle of a visit and told me someone in their life had died. I would 100% make time to speak to them. My dog died last week and my dp held me while I sobbed. I'm so sorry that your bf was so cold towards you 💐💐

This^

BasicDad · 08/08/2021 02:56

Feels like this was a test. He failed. You should move on.

5475878237NC · 08/08/2021 03:08

How we feel when someone in our lives for a long time dies is complex and not just about how close we were to them. It's not unusual to have feelings evoked by the loss of a parent of a close friend/colleague etc as it naturally gets our mind thinking about loss and anticipated loss in our lives.

Given it had only been a month (I thought you were going to say 16 months due to Covid) this seems a strange response from him.

I think that when you told him you were having a sad time he didn't register that he was needed as a partner and not just a 'date'. He hasn't made that adjustment perhaps. Alternatively, he doesn't see the relationship as you do or he is emotionally poorly attuned and will struggle to be there for you forever.

sammylady37 · 08/08/2021 06:09

I’m kinda with him here, tbh. You weren’t close to the lady who died, despite apparently knowing her for decades. So I’m not sure why you’d be needing emotional support about her death to the degree that you persist in looking for it when you’ve been told he’s busy. You’ve only been with him 6 months, is that right, and it was long distance for most of that, so it seems odd that he’s now your go-to. If you hadn’t met him, who in your life would you have turned to for this support? And tbh, if I got a call like that I’d be wondering why you seemed to be making the death about you and your need for support instead of stepping up for your lifelong friend in her hour of need. That alone would make me wonder about you, not to mention your persistence in pursuing the conversation when told I was busy and the fact that in a relatively new relationship I was expected to be your emotional crutch.

Monday26July · 08/08/2021 06:29

Not sure why people are saying OP should have been supporting her friend rather than reaching out for support. It’s perfectly possible to do both. She could have spent the entire evening with her best friend and then wanted to catch up with this guy before she went to sleep. It’s utterly exhausting, draining, and devastating to be with someone in raw grief.

Having said that I’m also curious about the timeline here where you’ve been best friends 30+ years but you’re only 30... you were best friends in the womb?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 08/08/2021 07:04

@BasicDad

Feels like this was a test. He failed. You should move on.

Exactly. It WAS a test. And that's manipulative and unfair.

Sakurami · 08/08/2021 07:11

How is it a test?? A few years ago, a friend who I hadn't seen in 18 years lost her 18 year old son in an accident. I only met him as a baby. I was devastated for her and even now years later it affects me.

We are empathetic beings and someone else's loss can often really affect us.

The point is, the op was legitimately upset and she just needed some comfort from the man who is supposed to love her. Even my shitty exes would have offered that!

Monday26July · 08/08/2021 07:17

@Sakurami

We are empathetic beings and someone else's loss can often really affect us.

The point is, the op was legitimately upset and she just needed some comfort from the man who is supposed to love her. Even my shitty exes would have offered that!

A year ago a guy died who was a close friend of my best friend. I’d only really ‘met’ him a couple times, one of those times was for an entire week of hanging out when I visited my best friend. We hung out the whole week as a group, went to the beach, had late night music sessions, car signing, just had such a good time. I’d never met anyone who was so intensely fun and who brought the party to any situation. We only met up again once after that a year later when he was in my neck of the woods for a drink and didn’t really keep in touch other than being fb friends as we lived four hours apart.

He died last year and it really affected me, still does.

Grief hits people in different ways doesn’t it? This guy was so callous.

MiddleParking · 08/08/2021 07:30

I personally couldn’t be arsed with a 10pm phone call to ‘support’ a boyfriend through the death of someone else’s parent that he wasn’t close to, when I was doing something else that weekend and had told him I wasn’t free when he texted. I also couldn’t be arsed with a relationship with someone who called me ‘selfish’ six months in - if you’re arguing/criticising at that point when you should still be in the honeymoon stage, what will things be like a year or two down the line? It doesn’t sound like it’s got legs.

UnsuitableHat · 08/08/2021 07:34

He was unkind call you selfish - something to talk about when he gets back? I guess it is possible though that it genuinely wasn’t a convenient time to talk. Also, not everyone is ‘good’ at discussing bereavement- not that this is a get-out for him, but hopefully you do have someone to talk to (a friend?) who’ll be properly there. I think the key thing with your partner is what happens and how he responds to the situation from here.

ZenNudist · 08/08/2021 07:35

There's nothing wrong with empathy but there is such a thing as making a death all about you. I don't get the timing of this relationship: you're 6 months in, he moved to be with you after 5 months (not seen his family one month) then recently told you he loved you.

It is very very early days on your relationship. But red flag here as you seem quite needy and attention seeking and he sounds a bit emotionally distant so there's a mismatch.

NoNotYou · 08/08/2021 07:39

By not checking in with you today, he is punishing you for 'disturbing' him last night.
This one is not a keeper I'm afraid

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2021 07:42

The timing here is difficult to comprehend, you’ve only recently made if official but he moved to be with you? It’s very odd that you weren’t officlial when he made that decision

Anyway I think the reality is you’ve actually not been together very long, hence last night.

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2021 07:42

Fair enough (kind of) if he couldn't talk last night but to not bother having a quick call today would really bother me. I don't think he's a keeper.

Umberellatheweatha · 08/08/2021 07:54

Damn there's some harsh replies on here. During the pandemic I didn't see my family for a whole year (a month is nothing really tbf!). When i visited them, if the man I had been dating for just a few months had called me even just to say 'I miss you' I would have happily given him 5 minutes just to return the sentiment.

And if he was calling because he was hurting in sure I could have found 20 minutes to chat and reassure him that I'd give him a big hug in a few days when I was home.

It isn't needy or manipulative to want to lean on a partner during sad times for a few minutes. Or to say you miss them.

He doesn't sound very nice. And a lot of ppl on here clearly have issues that they think 'I miss you'
is some sort of obligation when in actual fact it's just one human reaching out to another for some comfort and reassurance.

Lack of empathy is a deal breaker in a partner in my opinion. I'd also think it was suspicious if they didnt want to talk on the phone whilst staying somewhere else for a week tbf. Just because I'm visiting some people I care about does not mean I would go radio silent with other ppl. I mean, its just odd. You sure he isn't visiting the wife? xD probably not but at the very least he is managing down your expectations. Making you feel 'needy' for one little phone call in a few days. It's not on. He isn't nice.

Umberellatheweatha · 08/08/2021 07:58

I should add that I hate texting and phone convos ect, much prefer in person but I'd fully expect to call someone once or maybe even twice during a week away just to say hey and see all was well with them.

user1471538283 · 08/08/2021 07:59

I wouldnt see him anymore. You wouldn't treat a stranger like this. You just wanted a few minutes of soothing words.

Marmitemarinaded · 08/08/2021 08:00

When you say “I made it official”

What do you mean?

AnnaMagnani · 08/08/2021 08:56

Honestly I'd move on.

You are newly together, just made it official, he should be there for you. Not 'I've gone away and you don't come into this space at all'

How did your long distance relationship work? Were you speaking every day?

I got married to someone I had been long distance with for 2 years and we would Skype everynight without fail, even if the day was totally boring and we talked about nonsense. Even now if one of us is away, we know we will video call.

If you are in a relationship, you are there for the other person. Sounds like he is only there for you when you fit his schedule.

SilentPanic · 08/08/2021 09:04

I'd worry about his change of personality and difference in affection now that he's on old stomping ground. Why would he suddenly be different when he's away from you? He WAS unreasonable, as were you maybe, a tiny bit- but the fact that it feels out of character to you would concern me more.

gannett · 08/08/2021 09:08

When someone says they're not really free right now, that's the cue for you to end the conversation, not to dripfeed your emotions.

Then he said AGAIN it wasn't a good time and you raised the emotional intensity even more by telling him someone had died.

He shouldn't have called you selfish but he told you twice it wasn't a good time to talk and you kept on going. When I say to someone that I can't talk it means that's the end of the conversation unless they have something very quick and low-intensity to tell me.

Doyoumind · 08/08/2021 09:09

There seem to be things that don't add up but I don't think there's a future here. I wouldn't want someone who wasn't able to provide emotional support, but I also wouldn't be several months into a relationship before making it official.

By not contacting you he's definitely punishing you. I'm sure there are better relationships out there.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 08/08/2021 09:17

Bizarre behaviour from him, he hasn’t seen his family for a month and misses them? Is it his children or his mum and dad? Not normal. His response was cold and selfish, he could have taken five mins to chat to you.

If he’s going back after a month he doesn’t really want to live where you are and I think the anger was you’re bothering him when he’s enjoying where he really wants to be.

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