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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says I’m selfish, am I?

80 replies

Selfishnelv · 07/08/2021 18:12

I recently just made it official with a guy I’ve been seeing. He’s gone away to see his family who he misses very much since moving away from them. I’ve mostly given him his space to just enjoy his family. Someone I know, not particularly close to but someone I’ve known for a long time, a lovely lady passed away yesterday and I was feeling sad. Some other things had happened that day too and I was feeling really down.

I called him late last night just asking if he was free, he said umm not really. I told him somethings had happened that made me sad. He sighed and said “ I’m away at the moment is there any chance we can talk about this another time?” I was surprised, I said someone I know died. He said he’s sorry to hear that but I’m being selfish putting this on him while he’s away. I just got off the phone a bit bewildered

We haven’t spoken today but I’ve been questioning if I should of left it? I thought if we were together I could come to him when I’m upset? It’s not exactly trivial matters, but then again I wasn’t close to this lady.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 07/08/2021 19:26

I think that's really shitty. He's made it pretty obvious in my opinion that you're not important to him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2021 19:28

Some of these posts sound so obsessed with performative social conventions that they have forgotten humanity or genuine connection.

I'm the person who moved away from my family so I know how that feels. And how every moment when you CAN see them is important. I haven't seen my mum for ages and if I was with her and DH called and I said, "umm I can't right now" he would respect that and say, "bye, talk tomorrow". OP says it wasn't someone she was close to. That would be different.

Original poster
Selfishnelv · 07/08/2021 19:28

So we’ve been seeing each other 6 months. We never made it official because it was long distance. He’s moved here recently. And we’re both 30

OP posts:
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/08/2021 19:29

He doesn't love you, OP. I don't mean to be harsh, but just from an objective viewpoint, this isn't how people treat someone they love. If I'd rung my now husband at an inconvenient moment shortly after we'd told each other we loved each other and let him know I was upset because someone had died there is no way on earth he'd have reacted that way.

The fact he's not contacted you today either is the final nail in the coffin. He's not woken up and thought, shit, I was a real jerk last night (maybe for good reason, maybe he had something similarish going on at his end that he hasn't let you know about), I'll call now and apologise and now that I have some time I'll try to really support her.

Throw this one back.

5128gap · 07/08/2021 19:41

I think it depends on how you usually behave. If you have a tendency to be quite demanding of his time generally and ask his support with lots of things, he may be thinking that you could have at least let him enjoy this one weekend. I get that you were upset about the lady who died, but on paper a friends mum that you haven't been close to may have seemed like an excuse to him. If you are generally independent though, and make few calls on him, his reaction was harsh.

JustAnother0ldMan · 07/08/2021 19:49

Not sure selfish is the right term, but I’ve not seen my family for a while (am visiting this weekend actually), but if someone called and I said I wasn’t really free to speak, and said could we speak another time, I would kind of expect that to be the end of the call, but selfish does a bit harsh

Fireflygal · 07/08/2021 19:50

Read what @Farwest posted.

Being emotionally unresponsive at this stage is not a good sign. Reverse blaming you and then sulking/punishing you today is even worse.

You may not see the signs but many of us do..it never ever gets better but always gets worse.

You are questioning yourself which is the start of self doubt and leads to less confidence.

Original poster
Selfishnelv · 07/08/2021 19:54

I don’t call him like this usually. I think it was a combination of my friends mum dying, other things going on. I obviously am supporting my best friend. J actually left it when he said he wasn’t free but he pushed.

He moved here to be with me so it’s really crazy for me to think he doesn’t love me. Not enough to care what is going on. He’s not seen his family for a month. I get it he misses them. I wasn’t trying to get him home early or to ruin his experience. I just thought he was there for me like I was him

OP posts:
Sally872 · 07/08/2021 19:57

You said are you free he said not really. Then you vaguely said something sad has happened.

You should have not said anything after he said he wasn't free. Or from the outset set "an old fried has died,could do with a chat when you get a minute"

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2021 20:00

Being emotionally unresponsive at this stage is not a good sign. Reverse blaming you and then sulking/punishing you today is even worse.

He's with his family, who he misses. I expect he's seeing them rather than sulking. Unless the entire time with his family is supposed to be about OP. Which rather bears out that there is an issue.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/08/2021 20:05

A month!? That's barely any time at all! Don't msot people who don't live in the same place go at least that long between visits? I thought you were going to say he hadn't seen them since Christmas or something Shock

Allthelights · 07/08/2021 20:10

I’m sure he could have had a five minute chat and checked in with you today even if he was visiting his family he hadn’t seen for a month Confused. I think he’s out of order.

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/08/2021 20:12

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

A month!? That's barely any time at all! Don't msot people who don't live in the same place go at least that long between visits? I thought you were going to say he hadn't seen them since Christmas or something Shock
Me too, or last year or something. I think saying you're selfish is harsh but you probably shouldn't have pushed it.
DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 07/08/2021 20:18

Sorry OP, this isn't a you problem, he was the one being selfish.

It's really quite simple, if you say "I need you" and you say it earnestly, he should have given you the time of day. As you say, you weren't asking for him to come home or cut his visit short, you literally just wanted to talk to him because when you feel sad, he's the only person you want to talk to and is the person who is supposed to provide you with the most comfort.

He didn't give you what you needed. He was selfish. Helping you would not have been an imposition and he still wouldn't do it. He's selfish. You are not.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2021 20:28

I’m not sure but this does seem a bit like you are making your friend’s bereavement about you. I think your feelings on behalf of your friend should have been further forward in your mind than an unsatisfactory phone call with your boyfriend.

MrsJackRackham · 07/08/2021 20:47

If anyone I know, friend, colleague, partner called to say they were feeling sad and wanted 10 minutes of my time to speak to me of course I would. It's 10 minutes to potentially make someone feel better. No one is so busy or their time so precious they can't spare that. Unless they're completely self involved of course.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 20:49

You caught him off guard and sadly saw the real him.
This is who he is.

Listen.

DancesWithTortoises · 07/08/2021 20:52

Agree with other posters. Not a nice chap. Move on.

Peachdisco · 07/08/2021 20:59

@user16395699

It's manipulative to be distressed in a moment of shock and grief, and to say this out loud? What? Why is any honest expression of emotion labelled 'manipulative'?

Some of these posts sound so obsessed with performative social conventions that they have forgotten humanity or genuine connection.

I know some of these replies are fucking bonkers.

This would be a huge red flag for me. I think the pp's who said you're in a different relationship to him was spot on. Get rid now op.

Peachdisco · 07/08/2021 21:03

@HeddaGarbled

I’m not sure but this does seem a bit like you are making your friend’s bereavement about you. I think your feelings on behalf of your friend should have been further forward in your mind than an unsatisfactory phone call with your boyfriend.
What are you talking about? What is the op supposed to do post about her friends loss and grief? Why would she? There's not a question or problem there.

I know this might be shocking for you but people who post on mumsnet aren't necessarily posting about their top priority in their mind. You have absolutely no way of know the op's priority isn't her friend.

You sound like a bully who just wants to have a go about something. Very unpleasant.

RantyAunty · 07/08/2021 21:04

He surely could have given you 5 minutes.

Don't let this slide as this is who he is.
Dump him.

SmileyClare · 07/08/2021 21:18

@HeddaGarbled

I’m not sure but this does seem a bit like you are making your friend’s bereavement about you. I think your feelings on behalf of your friend should have been further forward in your mind than an unsatisfactory phone call with your boyfriend.
Sorry Op but I agree. The fact that you were so vague when you did ring your boyfriend and he had to coax you to tell him makes me think you rather enjoyed the drama, almost "testing" your boyfriend? Perhaps he knows you enough to realise you weren't very close with the deceased lady and you were just wanting attention?

I apologise if that sounds harsh but self reflection is good. MN often delights in choosing who the "baddie" is in a thread and assassinating them. It's hard to tell but you I think you both behaved quite selfishly really!

If things are going well in your relationship I wouldn't lose any sleep over your phone conversation. Let him have some space and don't give him the responsibility of fulfilling all of your emotional needs and wants at this early stage.

SmileyClare · 07/08/2021 21:26

I don't think Heddas comment was bullying? I don't think it's helpful to all point at Op's boyfriend and declare Arsehole, dump him!

No one knows if Op is making her friend's bereavement all about her, it was raised as something to consider/ a possibility.

Aprilx · 07/08/2021 22:07

I don’t think Hedda was bullying either, in fact I think they were possibly onto something. OP did not lose anyone close to her, it was her friends mother who she was not close to. Most people would be supporting their friend, not looking for support in that scenario. I do feel like it was a test or checking up on, even if sub consciously. I agree with the boyfriend.

TokenGinger · 07/08/2021 22:12

You've been best friends with her daughter for 30+ years, but you're only 30?

I do think it comes across a bit attention seeking to be honest. It's somebody you weren't close to. It sounds like you were just using it as an excuse to get him to speak with you.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, it's just an observation.

I don't like that he called you selfish, but he is kind of right. When he's told you that he wasn't free to talk, to then put that on him guilt trips him into feeling he should talk to you but he's tied up with his family, so it's a bit selfish in the sense that you felt your needs to be comforted over somebody you weren't close to out trumped his needs to be with his family.