He says I’m selfish, am I?

[Selfishnelv]

I recently just made it official with a guy I’ve been seeing. He’s gone away to see his family who he misses very much since moving away from them. I’ve mostly given him his space to just enjoy his family. Someone I know, not particularly close to but someone I’ve known for a long time, a lovely lady passed away yesterday and I was feeling sad. Some other things had happened that day too and I was feeling really down.

I called him late last night just asking if he was free, he said umm not really. I told him somethings had happened that made me sad. He sighed and said “ I’m away at the moment is there any chance we can talk about this another time?” I was surprised, I said someone I know died. He said he’s sorry to hear that but I’m being selfish putting this on him while he’s away. I just got off the phone a bit bewildered

We haven’t spoken today but I’ve been questioning if I should of left it? I thought if we were together I could come to him when I’m upset? It’s not exactly trivial matters, but then again I wasn’t close to this lady.

Christ, who are all these people who have no expectation that a boyfriend will take 10 minutes to talk to you when a death in your wider circle has hit you hard?

Honestly, I look back on my teenage years and think I had the bar set way too low for men (and probably would have second guessed myself about something like this) but I'm horrified that grown women en masse will apparently accept such callous behaviour.

Moreover, if I were this man's mother and knew that this is how the conversation with his girlfriend had gone, I'd be wondering where is give wrong in raising him/assuming this was a casual fling he wasn't bothered about!

He's not seen his family for a month - hardly a heartfelt reunion after a protracted absence - and the OP had mainly left him to do his own thing until this. It's not selfish to give him a call when she needs to talk about a life event.

The OP is of course making this death all about her to the extent she is, very appropriately, seeking to talk to someone completely outside the situation about her own feelings. It's not as though she's going to her friend whose mother has died and saying, "never mind your grief, here's how sad I'm feeling"! It's also not selfish to have feelings.

I know that incidents like this are snapshots and everyone has moments that don't cover them in glory so I won't say "LTB" but this doesn't bode well, OP. Don't ignore patterns because you wish they were something else.

Op you have no idea if he has been told something (when at his family) that he needs to process.

Jesus a month...I thought you were going to say a year or something.
A month is nothing.
He's the selfish one!
Maybe you are a bit clingy but he could have either spared 10 minutes to chat or at least been a bit more empathic towards you.

@wizzywig

Op you have no idea if he has been told something (when at his family) that he needs to process.

No she doesn't know that and it's likely there's no such situation. Why try and find an excuse for him where there's no evidence for one?

Yes I'm unsure why some people fall over themselves to think of excuses for poor behaviour from men.