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Original poster

Dp seems still married to his ex

104 replies

Whatchoo · 06/08/2021 23:49

Dp married young and had 3 kids before he was 30.

They’ve now been divorced more than 10 years now but he’s still heavily involved with his ex’s family and friends.

Whilst I accept that he’ll always be connected to his ex’s family and friends, AIBU to think that if he’s serious about a new relationship with me, that he needs to put us first? For example I recently had an emergency medical situation and called him from A&E but he wasn’t able to come to hospital because he was busy helping his ex SIL to move into her new flat and he didn’t want to let her down.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 07/08/2021 20:08

OP. This is just the latest in an unending series of signs. Signs of who you are to him.

You are consigned to the role of Sideshow. It will never end. Flowers

The reluctance to bubble up would have done it for me.

Time to bin this bloke off. Dust yourself off. Find someone who can handle a mature relationship and not treat you like a dirty secret.

1FootInTheRave · 07/08/2021 20:17

I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate this.

You aren't even on his priority list, let alone near the top.

LemonViolet · 08/08/2021 08:36

Hope you’re doing ok this morning OP. It can be a bit shit to realise quite how crap your relationship is via the medium of a MN thread.

LittleMowf · 08/08/2021 08:40

@SpeakingFranglais

Ok, so this is a NEW relationship, yes? What was the medical emergency and why did you need him to be there if it is a new relationship?.

Where were your close friends and family, those you have a long standing relationship with already?

Are there any other examples?

Did you just want him to keep you company in A&E for six hours and he had a previous arrangement to help with the house move?

It sounds like there may be another side to this.

Why should OP share the details of her medical emergency so you can judge whether or not he was being unreasonable?
Original poster
Whatchoo · 08/08/2021 12:43

Thanks @LemonViolet. You are right it is really hard to take all of the comments in about how shit my relationship is, even if deep down I know it’s true.

OP posts:
SafeMove · 08/08/2021 12:56

I had this with my ex. I had been for a colposcopy and cervical biopsy and passed out (I had a flashback, not pleasant) so the nurse saud I wasn't to drive home. I called my ex and he said he couldn't pick me up as he was taking his ex to the vet with her cat. My medical emergency was demoted to below a cats. Ended it pretty swiftly. These men who keep ex's close by do it for a reason. I have an exH who I have DC with - we are not enmeshed. We don't need to be. We text 'What time are you collecting/dropping off DC' and bits about food/activities and that is it. My DC do not suffer from this, nor would they benefit if we are enmeshed. Your DP is not a good DP. He may be a good ex but that is to the detriment of you. Fuck him off.

Dontbeme · 08/08/2021 13:02

@Whatchoo

When you say you are not invited to family gatherings, you do mean his family, not his ex family in law presumably? So why don't you get to go?

He is an only child and parents live in another country so all family dos are with the ex in laws

They are his safety blanket OP, he will hold onto them like a child would a favourite toy for comfort. I hope you're feeling okay today and know that you are worth more than this shoddy treatment.
Original poster
Whatchoo · 08/08/2021 13:31

They are his safety blanket OP, he will hold onto them like a child would a favourite toy for comfort

I’ve thought this too. It’s just really hard to come to terms with and I’m scared that he’s going to meet someone else who he does treat better.

OP posts:
LemonViolet · 08/08/2021 14:03

So what if he does, you’ll be moving on, what he does afterwards is of no importance to you. Honestly, down the line, you really won’t care, as hard as that might be to believe right now.

Take your time with it. It’s ok that it sucks for a while, it’s to be expected.

I’d honestly be way more understanding of the cat related emergency!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 14:11

I am not invited to family gatherings as his partner.

Sorry but you're wasting your time with this one.

Embrace freedom instead!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 14:11

I’m scared that he’s going to meet someone else who he does treat better

Very unlikely.

But you can decide to treat yourself better.

Get rid of him.

Original poster
Whatchoo · 08/08/2021 14:17

Why do you think it’s unlikely @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy? I mean what if I leave him and he realises the error of his ways and another woman benefits from our relationship problems? That would kill me.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 14:23

@Whatchoo

Because this is his pattern now and the accepted pattern of your relationship for many years. He does sound sort of dependent on his ex's family.

If he starts a better relationship with someone else, there's nothing you can do about that. But I also don't thing you can change the dynamic of your relationship with him now because it's just too embedded.

All you can do is accept that you don't want to be treated as second, third or fourth best and move on with your life. And you will. It'll just take a bit of time.

atlastifoundit · 08/08/2021 14:34

@Torvean

I think it's nice that famies can still get along. It's much better for the kids.

Did you really need him at A&E?

What if he was the only one able to help his ex SIL to move?

If someone was helping me move house and their DP rang to say they were in A&E, I know what my reaction would be.

Go. Just drop everything and go.

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2021 14:53

Why do you think it’s unlikely@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy? I mean what if I leave him and he realises the error of his ways and another woman benefits from our relationship problems? That would kill me

I've tried rewording this so it doesn't sound blunt but can't seem to, so apologies if it sounds blunt.

If he meets another woman in the future and it works out then it's because he has chosen to make it work with her and has chosen to make her a priority. She isn't benefiting from your relationship problems because it isn't a relationship problem (which suggests something that both people need to work on), you have a man problem because he is choosing to keep out on one side.

Please don't worry about someone else stealing this peach. If he wants to change and make a relationship work, he will.
Don't feel the need to beg for crumbs because you are worth more.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 15:28

Don't feel the need to beg for crumbs because you are worth more.

^THIS!!! Perfectly put.

billy1966 · 08/08/2021 15:50

I can't believe you actually have to ask.

Anyone with an iota of self respect would have dumped him.

You are not a priority and will do till someone he prefers comes along.

Get some self respect.Flowers

Itstimetoquit · 08/08/2021 15:57

Get rid of him x

Original poster
Whatchoo · 08/08/2021 18:09

I know I should @Itstimetoquit but I love him Sad

OP posts:
LittleMowf · 08/08/2021 19:12

Aw OP, can’t he see at all how things are for you? Being shushed while he’s on the phone? Having dinner with his ex-SIL after you’d been in A&E? You really really do deserve better.

AgentJohnson · 08/08/2021 20:39

Stop asking why is he doing x,y and z and start asking yourself, why am with someone who does x, y and z? Funny how your relationship only became official after he introduced you to his kids. I suspect you thought you had overcome some great hurdle when he deemed your relationship worthy enough to meet his kids but now realise that with a man like this, there’s rarely just one.

LatentPhase · 08/08/2021 21:33

I’m with @LolaSmiles

If he prioritises a future woman. He prioritises a future woman.

He is NOT prioritising YOU.

The two scenarios are not linked.

You’re not his priority.

I’m so sorry. I hope you have support IRL. What do your friends thunk?

UnMumsnettyHugs Flowers

Original poster
Whatchoo · 08/08/2021 22:45

My friends think he’s a wanker. But I love him. It’s really hard

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 22:53

My friends think he’s a wanker. But I love him.

What do you love about him?

Genuine question.

LemonViolet · 08/08/2021 22:58

Do you love him? Who he actually is, the man that treats you this way, as an option? Why?

Or do you love the idea of the man you wish he was, an idealised fiction?