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Original poster

Dp seems still married to his ex

104 replies

Whatchoo · 06/08/2021 23:49

Dp married young and had 3 kids before he was 30.

They’ve now been divorced more than 10 years now but he’s still heavily involved with his ex’s family and friends.

Whilst I accept that he’ll always be connected to his ex’s family and friends, AIBU to think that if he’s serious about a new relationship with me, that he needs to put us first? For example I recently had an emergency medical situation and called him from A&E but he wasn’t able to come to hospital because he was busy helping his ex SIL to move into her new flat and he didn’t want to let her down.

OP posts:
SunShinesBrightly · 07/08/2021 09:07

Did you really need him at A&E?

Umm... I doubt the OP was at A&E because she stubbed her toe.

Sakurami · 07/08/2021 09:07

Yes more details needed. Why were you in a &e and why did you need him/would he have been allowed? And also moving house is usually time sensitive and done the same day.

girl71 · 07/08/2021 09:14

"AIBU to think that if he’s serious about a new relationship with me, that he needs to put us first? For example I recently had an emergency medical situation and called him from A&E but he wasn’t able to come to hospital because he was busy helping his ex SIL to move into her new flat and he didn’t want to let her down.".

Op, how "new" is your relationship? Also was the "emergency medical situation" major or minor? If you have only been together a very short time and the medical emergency was minor and not major, you had your own family or friends to help you, i do not think he is being unreasonable in that instance. If you have been together a long while and were blue lighted into A&E then, yes he should have been there for you.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 09:15

@SunShinesBrightly

Did you really need him at A&E?

Umm... I doubt the OP was at A&E because she stubbed her toe.

You'd be surprised...
SunbathingDragon · 07/08/2021 09:15

How new a relationship are you in? If it’s just a few weeks and he had already agreed to help his ex-SIL, I don’t think he has done much wrong but I’m also probably more realistic than many about the fact that being in A&E doesn’t mean it’s a genuine emergency or needs someone to drop everything immediately to be by the patient’s side.

LemonViolet · 07/08/2021 09:16

There’s also a big difference between a man refusing to support their long-term romantic partner of many years when she is rushed to hospital with a life threatening emergency, because he is one of twenty people helping his ex-SIL move house with no time pressure, vs, a woman being pissed off that a man she has been on half a dozen dates with is not coming to A&E with her (when he’s not allowed to anyway) when she has cut her finger, and he is driving the van for his dear friend of many years standing to move house, which if he doesn’t do royally fucks his friend over, and her buyers and a house chain of 10 properties all moving that day.

Obviously two extremes but the point is the situation really isn’t clear here so it’s not really possible to say what is fair.

LemonViolet · 07/08/2021 09:20

@SunShinesBrightly

Did you really need him at A&E?

Umm... I doubt the OP was at A&E because she stubbed her toe.

I think I’ve been to A&E four or five times since covid, with minor injuries (fainting! So fun). Not once did I have DP with me and we’ve been together 7 years and bought a house together.
Tulips15 · 07/08/2021 09:22

@Aquamarine1029

I mean this as gently as possible, but take the blinders off. You aren't even 4th place on his list of priorities. His fucking EX SIL comes before you.

Throw him back and move on.

yep
MarianneUnfaithful · 07/08/2021 09:22

How long have you been together?

What was the cause and outcome of your A&E visit?

Extended family do become friends, as are old family friends.

Does he ever introduce you to any of these people, include you in get together with them?

Lorw · 07/08/2021 09:44

Put him in the bin OP.

LittleMissMoggy · 07/08/2021 10:03

@LemonViolet

There’s also a big difference between a man refusing to support their long-term romantic partner of many years when she is rushed to hospital with a life threatening emergency, because he is one of twenty people helping his ex-SIL move house with no time pressure, vs, a woman being pissed off that a man she has been on half a dozen dates with is not coming to A&E with her (when he’s not allowed to anyway) when she has cut her finger, and he is driving the van for his dear friend of many years standing to move house, which if he doesn’t do royally fucks his friend over, and her buyers and a house chain of 10 properties all moving that day.

Obviously two extremes but the point is the situation really isn’t clear here so it’s not really possible to say what is fair.

Exactly this.
SunShinesBrightly · 07/08/2021 10:48

girlmom21
You might be right!

Viviennemary · 07/08/2021 10:51

I would dump this person and move on. Who wants to play second fiddle to an ex. You're worth more than that.

Onelifeonly · 07/08/2021 11:05

You need to answer the questions PPs have asked to get the right advice. Pre covid I have been to A & E many times, mostly accompanying my dds, once or twice for myself. On only one occasion was anyone's life actually at stake (mine) - DH took me in that time, otherwise we didn't accompany each other, either as our girls were too young to be left, or because it's deadly boring waiting around for 5 hours. DH often went with his mother towards the end of her life, but that was different.

As for helping an ex sil- there's no reason why they can't be friends, especially as they are related to his children.

I wouldn't cut out plans to help a friend or family move automatically because a grown up family member, partner or friend needed to go to A & E unless the situation warranted it.

Doyoumind · 07/08/2021 11:12

I agree it's impossible to comment without more info. Doesn't look like OP is coming back though.

Changechangychange · 07/08/2021 11:16

You obviously aren’t happy with your current level of priority in his life. Whether that is because he is enmeshed with his in laws, or puts his friends first over a new girlfriend, or because you are a spoilt princess, doesn’t actually matter. There’s a mismatch.

You can talk to him about it and see what he says, but if you are misaligned on this, my experience is that it is a fundamental difference in relationship outlook and you’d be better off looking for somebody else who is on the same page as you.

He can find somebody self sufficient (or go back to his in laws), you can find somebody a bit more willing to make you feel cherished.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 11:19

Op the sil is on here!!
You really need to raise your bar..
He isn't that committee to yuri relationship sadly.

Original poster
Whatchoo · 07/08/2021 12:45

We’ve been together on and off for years but he finally made it official by introducing me to his DC’s about a year ago.

I wasn’t expecting him to come with me to A&E (I’m not going to say what I there for) just to hold my hand but to come and pick me up when I was discharged which wasn’t going to be for hours and so was giving him plenty of notice. The fact that he prioritised his ex SIL and basically had dinner with her instead felt like a real slap in the face.

I think I’m agreeing with the posters who are telling me to get out while I can.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 12:51

If you've been together for years I'd assume this isn't the first time his ex's family have taken priority so if that's the case I'd say you're probably right. You deserve someone who can prioritise you when you need them.
Expecting him to come and pick you up wasn't unreasonable.

layladomino · 07/08/2021 13:07

Based on your recent update, I completely understand why you would be upset at his behaviour. You wanted a lift from A&E and he prioritised a meal with someone he'd helped move. For goodness' sake I'd give my next door neighbour / postman / work colleague I didn't particualrly like a likfe from A&E if they asked me. Let alone my DP.

Of course it's expected that when you date someone with children you will come 2nd to the children. But that's all. Not the ex. Not the ex's family. I don't think this is really about it being ex SIL though. More that he prioritised carrying on with his day and going for a meal over picking you up from hospital. That is lousy behaviour. I think it tells you where you stand.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2021 13:10

Would he even have been allowed in A&E at the moment?

Doubtful. The bloke had to go to A&E a couple of weeks ago. I had to drop him off and return five hours later to collect him. There was no way they’d let me in.

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2021 13:12

If you've been on and off for years then I was sensible not not introduce you to his children until a year ago. Children don't need dragging into on/off relationships.

If he'd finished moving everything and chose a night in with his SIL then I understand why you'd be annoyed. If they had grabbed a take away whilst continuing to do the move then it's more of a grey area depending on the distance involved.

Has he got form for ditching you in favour of his extended family (which is what they are essentially given there's children involved and clearly very amicable relationships)?

Pebbledashery · 07/08/2021 13:13

Bin him. You're nowhere near the top of the queue.

LIZS · 07/08/2021 13:14

How long standing is the relationship? Our a and e won't allow other than parents or carers to accompany patients. However a little more compassion and support would have been nice.

Original poster
Whatchoo · 07/08/2021 13:19

Has he got form for ditching you in favour of his extended family (which is what they are essentially given there's children involved and clearly very amicable relationships)?

Yes he does have form. That’s why I’m thinking this is the final straw.

Also whilst I understand that his ex and her family are also his children’s family, I think he and I should come as a unit but I am not invited to family gatherings as his partner. He always justifies it by saying I wouldn’t enjoy myself anyway but I think he should at least tell them that he wants me there.

OP posts:
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