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Original poster

Dp seems still married to his ex

104 replies

Whatchoo · 06/08/2021 23:49

Dp married young and had 3 kids before he was 30.

They’ve now been divorced more than 10 years now but he’s still heavily involved with his ex’s family and friends.

Whilst I accept that he’ll always be connected to his ex’s family and friends, AIBU to think that if he’s serious about a new relationship with me, that he needs to put us first? For example I recently had an emergency medical situation and called him from A&E but he wasn’t able to come to hospital because he was busy helping his ex SIL to move into her new flat and he didn’t want to let her down.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 07/08/2021 13:23

With that update YANBU at all. No wonder this situation has upset you.

It's possible for people to maintain separate positive relationships after a divorce. I know a few people who have friendships with their ex husband's sister, for example. The difference between them and your DP is that all future relationships are out in the open, partners attend events and are very much involved.

You deserve someone who will make you a priority. Flowers

Onelifeonly · 07/08/2021 13:27

Your update makes it much clearer. Doesn't sound like he prioritises you at all. The refusal of a lift home from A & E was just mean. At the very least he could have found someone else to do it.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/08/2021 13:30

So you only wanted a lift home? Im not surprised you're upset. That's not much to ask is it?

Opentooffers · 07/08/2021 13:31

On and off for some years - so you have wasted a lot of time on this already. If you don't live together, that's good, it's an easy end. If you do, sort out how to split because he's been showing you a massive lack of respect for a long time. After years, he still does not invite you to family gatherings Shock. This latest lack of concern, where having dinner with someone else is more important than your health issues shows all you need to know.

Original poster
Whatchoo · 07/08/2021 14:30

On and off for years yes. I finally put my foot down during lockdown when he was dithering about whether to bubble with me or not because his ex didn’t want me in his house when she came over with the kids. Rules allowed parental visits at the time.

OP posts:
DariaMorgendorffer · 07/08/2021 15:07

Trust your instincts op. He is not prioritising up

DariaMorgendorffer · 07/08/2021 15:08

Sent too soon! - he is not prioritising you, and don't let him make excuses or suggest it's you, it is not you! Time to leave this man, and to make room for someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

MushMonster · 07/08/2021 15:14

Walk, actually RUN.
No way. He is not treating you like you deserve.
And what bullshit is that the ex did not want you there when she visited with yhe children?
Make yourself free of the whole lot, ex, in laws, and stupid "partner".
Flowers

LemonViolet · 07/08/2021 15:35

Ok that all sounds a bit different with your updates! You said new relationship like you’d just met.

Doesn’t sound like he’s really your partner though does it? On and off for years, don’t live together, he’s not going to pick you up from the hospital because he’s having dinner with someone he’s spent all day with - you’re an option for him.

Don’t be an option for him, if you actually want a proper relationship. Find somebody else.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 07/08/2021 15:39

Given the propensity of a couple of people of my acquaintance to visit A&E with sweet FA wrong with them, it's perfectly possible that someone might be of greater utility to a woman needing a man with a van.

Original poster
Whatchoo · 07/08/2021 15:41

I’m not going to say what I was in A&E for but it was actually on the advice of 111 so not exactly “sweet FA” @LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 07/08/2021 15:52

@Whatchoo

Not unreasonable at all to feel like he's prioritising his ex's family. I couldn't get past this, he's too enmeshed with them.

Has he been in touch at all? Have you communicated how you're feeling?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 07/08/2021 15:52

Fair enough, but someone upthread suggested an A&E visit always trumps helping someone move - a girl I work with seems not to consider a weekend a weekend without 'checking-in' to our local hospital with some nebulous complaint, so that's not always the case.

Snowfalling · 07/08/2021 15:54

I certainly wouldn't put up with him not including you in family gatherings, why is he deciding you won't enjoy them? Seems he has compartmentalized his life.

Original poster
Whatchoo · 07/08/2021 15:58

Yes I think he is compartmentalising @Snowfalling. I am getting really angry thinking about the number of times he’s disrespected me over the years. Like when we were away on holiday and he pretended he was on a business trip to his ex when she called. Made shushing signs to me whilst he was on the phone to her. They’d been divorced for years by this point. I felt like the OW.

OP posts:
LemonViolet · 07/08/2021 16:03

I felt like the OW.
Well it sounds like he behaves as if you are.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/08/2021 16:09

I 100% guarantee my dh would have gone to A+E if I was in there after we’d been together this long.

One of his colleagues left his dw broken down on the hard shoulder because the breakdown was on its way so he drove off. Dh & several others just stared at him when he told them & said “you left a woman on her own on the side of the motorway in the dark?” they thought he was reckless & should have put his dw in his car & waited with hers 🤷🏻‍♀️

Debetswell · 07/08/2021 16:11

You're not the OW, you're far less important than that.
You're basically the bedwarmer!

ledesertsacre · 07/08/2021 16:17

When you say you are not invited to family gatherings, you do mean his family, not his ex family in law presumably? So why don't you get to go?

Original poster
Whatchoo · 07/08/2021 17:05

When you say you are not invited to family gatherings, you do mean his family, not his ex family in law presumably? So why don't you get to go?

He is an only child and parents live in another country so all family dos are with the ex in laws

OP posts:
54321nought · 07/08/2021 17:06

@Torvean

I think it's nice that famies can still get along. It's much better for the kids.

Did you really need him at A&E?

What if he was the only one able to help his ex SIL to move?

This.

Why did you want him in A and E?

54321nought · 07/08/2021 17:09

@Whatchoo

I’m not going to say what I was in A&E for but it was actually on the advice of 111 so not exactly “sweet FA” *@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan*
OK, but why did you want him there? Ringing round family and friends to gather them in to A and E sounds a bit pointless to me, even without considering covid.

I could understand if you were incapacitated, couldn't call a taxi, wanted a lift, but it seems you were already there.

Why did you want him to come to A and E?

Takenoprisoner · 07/08/2021 17:10

@54321nought

It was for a lift back home, op did clarify.

grapewine · 07/08/2021 17:13

He doesn't sound all that interested. Leave him with the ex and go find someone who prioritises you.

54321nought · 07/08/2021 17:16

[quote Takenoprisoner]@54321nought

It was for a lift back home, op did clarify.[/quote]
ok, I missed that.

So OP wanted a lift home, and he was not available because of a prior commitment?

It had nothing to do with being in A and E, you were sent home? So saying A and E was just to be emotive, you wanted a lift home after an unexpected medical appointment, that's all? A and E implies emergency, although not clear why you would call your partner even if it was