Niece told she looks like a whore and dresses like a slut by her Dad's live in partner

[WhiskeyGalore212]

My niece, a teenager, dresses in the sort of goth/emo etc style and incorporates skater skirts, playsuits, fish net tights etc. My other niece wears similar stuff abd I've seen lots of other teenage and early twenties girls young women wear similar.

She tells me, when going to school in a skater style skirt that was above knee length but not ass skimming etc that her father's live-in partner (a mum of two boys who live there too) said "you look like a whore" referring to the skirt.

This was said in front of the two boys and father at breakfast.

She was pushed to apologise to my niece by her father but later essentially reiterated what she said by saying something along the lines of "you're in no position to criticise (referring to something about her son) when your dad dresses like a slut".

Niece overheard this (or it was said in front of her, not sure which).

The dad has taken no further action.

Opinions?

Oh no! Someone has shown the part of their legs just above the knee. How shocking. Shield your eyes from the Olympics. They show even more on there

I'd be treating her to a nice bit of goth jewellery or some goth armbands OP.

Stepmother resents your niece for being younger and more attractive. I would make this point to your niece.

My DD has the same style. Skater skirt, DM boots, fishnets and a tonne of eyeliner. TBH I hate it, but I never, ever say anything. I don’t like it because a) I worry about men/boys and b) I know there are people like this woman who will think slut/cheap tart about my lovely 15 year old.

Your niece will grow up, change her look, meet lots of new people snd try all sorts of different styles. Her SM is stuck being a small-minded bigot.

So depressing that there are people responding to this thread who think the problem here is a girl showing the part of her legs just above the knee and not the step mum calling her a whole and a slut for it. Absolutely vile.

What does she want you to do?

Her Dad won't separate from her SM
It's his house, no one can 'make' him do/say anything to SM.
DN won't stop staying there.

All she can do really is face up to the SM when she says stuff like this.

@zaramysaviour

My parents referred to me as a slut when I was 13 (my crime was to carry a friend's ghetto blaster, which apparently was a 'slutty' thing to do); then at 19 when I thought I had confided in my mum about a pregnancy scare and she told me what my dad said about me.

Our relationship has never recovered. Neither have I.

I read once that it takes a young girl literally years to get over a slur like this. It's a horrible, poisonous term and should be treated as such.

If this were my niece (I appreciate you may not be to do this), I'd ring her dad and go absolutely full-on re why this is not acceptable. (I'd ring the dad rather than the stepmum as the niece needs to know Dad has her back, plus I suspect the stepmum wouldn't listen.) Then I'd ask my niece what else she wanted to happen, and even if that was 'stay with Aunt Zara for a bit', I'd enable it.

I appreciate that's easy for me to say from behind a computer screen, but I would feel so strongly about a teenage girl being in an environment like that (with two boys! What if they also decide niece is a slut?) that I would absolutely rock the boat on this.

Yes, I'm projecting somewhat here. But I'm also right.

From teenage me, thank you for listening to your niece.

Another who was branded a "slut" as a teenager. Another who has never forgotten it and can still feel the shame. I couldn't tell my mum when I was raped, for fear she might blame me. Make sure your DN knows she has your support and speak to her mum.

@MuseumGardens

So depressing that there are people responding to this thread who think the problem here is a girl showing the part of her legs just above the knee and not the step mum calling her a whole and a slut for it. Absolutely vile.

My thoughts exactly.

I would absolutely have her move out. But before she goes I would have her say, infront of this person and her sons, something like 'I hope you know that your language the other day was unacceptable. It's really sad when women speak about other women the way you did. I feel sorry for you that you think that kind of mysoginistic language is ok. And I really hope that your sons here, do not grow up to imitate it. And instead become people who build women up, not tare them down. You should be ashamed of yourself'.

A big ask for a teen to do that. But I think it 100% needs to be called out. And the boys need to see that that kind of behaviour will not be tolerated.

I would just reinforce that the step mom isn't right then encourage her to make merry hell at the dad's house to make life difficult for daddy and step mum. Encourage her to find her voice. If she is of the opinion that she won't be forced out then she has some gumption.

No way should the dd move out because of the sm. She shouldn't be bullied out of her own home.

Encourage your necessary to stand up for herself. She can reply with something like "You are entitled to your opinion, but I find it outdated and misogynistic" or something along those lines.

I would genuinely message her. That’s abhorrent.

‘I spoke to DN today and could tell she was upset about something. After cajoling she confided that you called her a whore/slut. Who the hell do you think you are? I’d be really interested to know what part of their outfit made you feel they were worthy of such a description? What an abhorrent thing to say to your step daughters. Neither girl is or dresses like a whore and you need to tailor your damaging language. I don’t want to hear of this ever happening again, they look up to you and they trust your opinion. Don’t abuse it again.’

She’s a bully and bullies need standing up to.

But I doubt op has any sort of relationship with the ex bil partner. The only way of approaching this is via ex bil and it should really come from dn's mum. What is her take on this, knowing elder dd has already avoided them?

@WhiskeyGalore212

If stepmum does have any photos of herself at 16, I’d be very interested in what she was wearing in them. Somehow I doubt it was Duggar family style modesty gear.

Niece said woman has said numerous things that suggest she has always struggled with her weight, and did not feel Comfortable wearing short skirts (or skirts at all) or similar when younger.

Then fight fire with fire.

Niece can say:
"I thought this skirt was a bit long actually"
" But I do look good in this"
"Don't worry about the boys they can't afford me anyway"
"It's great being young being able to eat what you like and still wear what you like"
"I will enjoy wearing skater skirts until I am too old or fat to do so but until then suck it up buttercup"

Get a good dictionary out and read out the definitions of whore and slut. Loudly over breakfast table.

In other words, don't be cowed by evil step-mum, use her jealousy and insecurities back at her. It will soon stop.

Own the slut skater, fishnet look. Who cares what she thinks.

Bet your niece looks great.

I would probably speak to the woman directly and tell her to stop bullying and body shaming your niece. It’s irrelevant what niece is wearing. Partners behaviour is nasty

I would be absolutely fuming and would be speaking to her.

She can wear whatever the hell she likes. Many teenage girls do dress skimpily and they look amazing. Others wear baggy clothes and also look amazing.

I would suggest she moves out. It will not get better and is likely to get worse. She is nearly 16 she can choose something better for her life, at this point it would be worth supporting her in a conversation with her father that she will no longer tolerate the abuse, offensive language and body shaming.

I would also be having a direct conversation with her step mother, adult to adult. It is not okay to speak to children like that, and she is still just a child at fifteen. It is extremely damaging. Time to step in and stand up for your niece.

What does she want you to do?

Sometimes people talk to others to vent about things that bother them, they don't necessarily want you to do anything.

I imagine she wants support and vindication, and I've given it to her, and I'll gjve her more by sending her the comments on this thread.

Except the "girls dress to show off their goods and they've always been called whores etc for doing so".

I would suggest she moves out.

This woman has already ousted her older sister from their home with their dad ... they're home before this woman moved in, their home from birth.

She sees it as letting her win.

*their

I would also be having a direct conversation with her step mother

This is up to my sister to do - I have never met the "step mother" (father's partner) and do not live in the same country as them.

I'll speak to my sister, bit I know my sister has veen forced to tolerate a huge amount since she divorced him in terms of unreasonable behavior... and is trying to keep things on civil terms until her daughter is older.

From what he's like, I can just imagine how any conversation with him about his partners behaviour would go.

And he may be dragged into some PC Ness but he's a Sun reading, right wing, "homosexuality us unnatural" type so .....

@WhiskeyGalore212

From what he's like, I can just imagine how any conversation with him about his partners behaviour would go.

And he may be dragged into some PC Ness but he's a Sun reading, right wing, "homosexuality us unnatural" type so .....

And the neice doesn't want to move out?

And the neice doesn't want to move out? confused

Like many people he has bad points abd good points.

He's a very steady, committed, devoted, non cheating type in a relationship for example.

But imo to both his daughters' fondness for him says more about their characters than his worthiness of it.

What your niece wears is irrelevant, the issue is the way the step mother spoke to her. She could have voiced this as concern but she showed contempt. The fact that your niece is standing up for her right to stay with her dad despite this woman suggests she is strong and resilient. Reassure her that you're always there to talk if she needs to and check that she feels safe. That's probably all you can do.