Low level irritation with DP: am I with the wrong person?

[Babymeanswashing]

I’m feeling weird at the moment. I had my first baby in November last year, obviously just a month later everything went into lockdown again.

So I’ve tried to make the best of it, gone out loads, made mummy friends, go for walks, coffee, lunch, am active and out a lot. Problem is it’s sort of become the expected norm that I go out and he doesn’t and it’s starting to get to me a bit. Every day he asks me ‘so what are you doing today?’ If it’s getting towards midday and I haven’t gone out he asks me where I’m off to, when will I be back.

Tbh I am longing for a few days at home! Im not saying I wouldn’t go out at all but Im fed up of feeling like I have to be out for hours at a time irrespective of weather, etc.

I feel like we communicate badly. We don’t argue but we struggle to talk which is also hard.

Hobbies, I know these are the bane of every MNetter but I’m a bit resentful of his because he wants me to participate with cycling and it’s just not really fun for me.

I know this probably made little sense but I just need to talk!

I've realised my husband and I should be great in paper but in real life we disagree about everything eg. We just harvested some green beans and they've been left too long so a big, tough and not nice. He doesn't want to waste them...
ditto - I spent a day sorting the garage and put some weak bamboo stakes in the bin.. he pulls them out because they could be useful. I'm sticking with him- for now but having to learn to work around this. Eg not telling him everything and trying to bite my tongue. Sounds like you can get along OK with your partner and don't disagree too much.

Has he been working from home? If so, that sounds awful! I need my own space

What does he say if you say you're not going anywhere today? That you just fancy a day at home.

Try looking at it from another perspective. He wants to you to get some fresh air/feels guilty if you're cooped up indoors. He wants to spend time with you, hence getting you involved in the cycling. It's fine if these things aren't YOUR thing but it could be he suggests these things because he loves you!

I get that with the cycling but the fresh air thing would be really weird. I mean, I’m not an eight year old I don’t need sending out for fresh air!

I don’t think I’ve had one day where we’ve just stopped in, tbh, not since he went back after paternity leave.

It’s really difficult and I think if I filmed a typical day for us some of you would probably be able to articulate what I’m feeling for me, as I don’t really understand what I’m feeling either.

Why do you feel you have to go out for hours on end?

If he asks what you're doing today, can't you just say, "Not a lot today, I'm staying in"?

Well, yeah and this is what I’m trying to understand. I’m wondering if my reluctance to do this shows maybe DP and I aren’t a good match. I feel a bit like a guest who has overstayed their welcome a bit I suppose.

Is he working from home? Is that why you feel you have to go out?

I think the pandemic has forced couples together at home for many more hours/days/weeks/months than are healthy for a relationship!

Yesterday I'd arranged to go to an event with some (female) friends - an outdoor concert/picnic thing. We'd arranged trains, food, meet up point etc. Suddenly in the morning DH told me he thought he'd come too. I said no, this was a thing with my girlfriends and I can't bear another day of your lack of conversation and bad jokes and he went all huffy.

Ah that’s awkward! Why did he think it was for him too?!

Yeah he is WFH but it’s kind of hard to describe. He isn’t in a home office working all day. He regularly does something else during the day like fixing his bikes or whatever. Then when it’s evening he’s still working so I do find that really hard, as I’m sort of sat wondering when he’ll be ‘home.’

I sometimes find I can't settle to what I need to do if there are other people around. I can't explain why.

Could it be that?

@Babymeanswashing

Ah that’s awkward! Why did he think it was for him too?!

Yeah he is WFH but it’s kind of hard to describe. He isn’t in a home office working all day. He regularly does something else during the day like fixing his bikes or whatever. Then when it’s evening he’s still working so I do find that really hard, as I’m sort of sat wondering when he’ll be ‘home.’

I was going to say that it probably is good for you and the baby to get out every day, but then I saw this. So he does other stuff during this working hours, then he’s busy in the evening catching up on work. I’m guessing that means you don’t get a break from childcare in the evenings while he’s working, but you don’t get a break during the day because he’ll stop work to do Important Stuff like working on his bikes, but not to help you.

I WFH, and it is hard with someone else in the house, but that’s for me to deal with.

The thing is he does have the option of going back to the office if it’s us that are a distraction. I do try to ensure he has some space but we’ve been out this morning and it’s lashing it down and I’m not going out again.

He doesn’t do the pottering about thing every day tbf but it does happen at least once a week and I absolutely hate it.

Sounds like he's checked out of family life. He's never really there as a family with you, and wants you out all the time. How often is he taking his child to give you some time alone at home?

I think you know this relationship is over. He's avoiding you, and doesn't want to spend time with you or dc.

You still haven’t really explained why you can’t stay in all day if he’s home?

Why can’t you just say to him you’re having a day at home and to leave you to it?

It’s not quite like that, no. He does have her and I don’t think he’s avoiding me exactly. I do think there’s an element of him wanting the house to himself a lot though and also since it’s his house it can be hard for me.

Sounds like he enjoys a couple of hours a day where he knows he can have a leisurely wank. You can't do that at the office 😂

I think you’ve already identified the problem - you two are not communicating well.

You’re trying to guess at his intentions and motivations and that way lies madness!!

Communication is a skill; it can be learned and it takes practice. But it’s worth getting the hang of because it cuts through an enormous amount of problems. The Gottman Institute has some excellent resources.

Thanks, I’ll have a look, although not entirely sure what that is!

You know what? Do what you want to do and ignore him. I know it is hard but do it. My dad and my ex made me feel like that and it pissed me off. With my boyfriend I feel I can do whatever I want. Have a super productive day or chill out watching back to back episodes of something and we're on the same page. It is incredibly liberating.

And if you're noisy etc when he's trying to work, it may encourage him to go to his office.

Why can't you say "I might not go out, not a problem, I hope," and get on with what you want to do.

I’d stay home for a week just to see what he’s up to!

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow I’ve tried, tbf, but it’s hard to articulate. I feel like I have to explain myself a lot because he’s just always here. And for this reason I find it hard to really relax. Tbh, it was a bit like this even before we had DD, but I used to just go to the bedroom then, obviously harder to do with a baby.

I do feel very much like I’m in his house I suppose, not ours. And I don’t think that is fair really.

Sorry if I'm being thick but do you mean you feel he's trying to chivvy you out of the house and that's why you feel you've 'outstayed your welcome'? If so have you asked him why he wants you to go out? Explained that you feel you're 'not allowed' to be at home? Discussed whether it might work better for him to go back to the office? I know you've said you struggle to talk stuff over but you at least need to be able to each say what you want/need and find a compromise otherwise how will either of you be happy? You sound quite low if you don't mind me saying so OP, any chance there could be a bit of PND lurking in addition to the issues with DP?

Yeah, a bit. I feel like the expected routine is he goes to ‘work’ (obviously he does, but you know what I mean) and DD and I have to go out to leave him to it.

You know it’s weird you mentioned that as I do think I’ve got a touch of PND. I’ve no idea why, I couldn’t love her more and I think my life is happier than it’s ever been in many ways!

Honestly I think one of the problems is I’m not sure if DP might see it as he ‘saved’ me or something … I’ve explained that so badly, but I wasn’t in a good place when I met him.