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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Low level irritation with DP: am I with the wrong person?

82 replies

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 12:15

I’m feeling weird at the moment. I had my first baby in November last year, obviously just a month later everything went into lockdown again.

So I’ve tried to make the best of it, gone out loads, made mummy friends, go for walks, coffee, lunch, am active and out a lot. Problem is it’s sort of become the expected norm that I go out and he doesn’t and it’s starting to get to me a bit. Every day he asks me ‘so what are you doing today?’ If it’s getting towards midday and I haven’t gone out he asks me where I’m off to, when will I be back.

Tbh I am longing for a few days at home! Im not saying I wouldn’t go out at all but Im fed up of feeling like I have to be out for hours at a time irrespective of weather, etc.

I feel like we communicate badly. We don’t argue but we struggle to talk which is also hard.

Hobbies, I know these are the bane of every MNetter but I’m a bit resentful of his because he wants me to participate with cycling and it’s just not really fun for me.

I know this probably made little sense but I just need to talk!

OP posts:

FoxgloveSummers · 05/08/2021 15:05

Have you had any time at home alone? Or just you and the baby? Much as I love my partner if I don't get some time in the house to do fuck all every week or so I get quite cross. Tell him you need some quiet time at home and ask if he can piss off on his bike for a bit.

Have you lived together long, or did you just move in because of the baby? It might be his house legally but it's obviously your main home too, this might be your problem to get over in your head in terms of just asserting yourself. Or do you think he tries to make you feel it's "his" place and not both of yours?

Crikeyalmighty · 05/08/2021 15:06

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation. I think you may well be correct. When my H started asking when I was going out- when I would be back and calling me to see where I was when I was out I banged on the child protection settings on the router —but blocked nothing— basically so I could get a handle on what was going on— huge porn habit virtually every day the minute I was out. I’m always suspicious now of men on here who seem desparate for their wives to be ‘out’ all the time— call me a cynic!

Crikeyalmighty · 05/08/2021 15:08

And I do appreciate some women on here wouldn’t give a toss— but I did over and above very occasional—- and he knew that

FoxgloveSummers · 05/08/2021 15:08

@Babymeanswashing

You know it’s weird you mentioned that as I do think I’ve got a touch of PND. I’ve no idea why, I couldn’t love her more and I think my life is happier than it’s ever been in many ways!

Honestly I think one of the problems is I’m not sure if DP might see it as he ‘saved’ me or something … I’ve explained that so badly, but I wasn’t in a good place when I met him.

This sounds tough. It sounds a bit like he is the "sorted" one in your mind - he has a house, a job, hobbies - possibly a bit older or better off? And you're the "visitor" who just turned up, had a baby, and gets in the way? Does he do enough to reassure you that you're an equal and loved partner?

gamerchick · 05/08/2021 15:09

Have you tried saying you're stopping in today. Or fuck off back to the office if you want space. Or maybe we should find me our own house since you obviously don't want us here?

Anything to open the conversation you don't seem to want to have.

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:10

I get pretty much no time home alone and I do really feel it tbh!

I don’t think he has ever intentionally made me feel it’s not my home but tbh he does and this is hard for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:11

Not sure why people are getting arsey, unless I’m reading that wrong. Sorry if I am.

OP posts:

FoxgloveSummers · 05/08/2021 15:15

Ok well I guess it’s good if he’s not intentionally making you feel like that - but what kind of behaviour from him makes you feel it anyway?

Whydidimarryhim · 05/08/2021 15:17

Hi OP that’s tough.
He needs to go in the office a few days and you get to stay at home.
He sounds selfish. What does he do with the baby.
What does the weekend look like?
Why did he save you?
He supported and loved you - that’s what a caring partner would do.
You don’t owe him anything.
Don’t be grateful and lower yourself so his needs comes first.
You need to be able to talk and express yourself.
Your allowed to have needs too.

sleepyhoglet · 05/08/2021 15:18

I get you- it's hard to feel relaxed when you feel judged for either not going out or just relaxing at home.

gamerchick · 05/08/2021 15:22

@Babymeanswashing

Not sure why people are getting arsey, unless I’m reading that wrong. Sorry if I am.

I apologise, my post does read as arsey. I'm not trying to be.

Your bloke is making you feel bad with this, you need to bring it up with him. Once the rot and resentment sets in, it's hard to go back

gamerchick · 05/08/2021 15:23

And sometimes we need a PJ day at home when you have littlies. Just being and not having to go anywhere. It's nice. Being forced out of the way is not something that makes you feel comfortable in your own home.

gannett · 05/08/2021 15:24

Sorry, I still don't understand why you feel expected to go out every day? He hasn't intentionally or directly made you feel that way, but you do anyway?

Do you think you might be projecting something on him that isn't there? From what you describe his behaviour is fairly standard - from his perspective, you're the one who apparently wants to get out every day, so he's asking after that.

The problem seems to mostly be poor communication. You assume he likes things a certain way (for you to go out), he assumes you like things a certain way (going out every day), neither of you speak to each other properly about what you actually want and feel.

I also don't understand how, if his hobby is cycling, you never get time home alone? Aren't cyclists notorious for spending hours out of the house?

Step one is probably for you to do what you want a bit more. Don't go out if you don't want to. Maybe you'll find he doesn't mind that at all.

And maybe talk to him about why you feel unwelcome in the house. A decent man would be mortified to realise they'd unintentionally made their partner feel that way.

PurbeckStone · 05/08/2021 15:26

Have you posted about this before? Reminds me of a thread from a few weeks ago where the OP wanted her DP to go back to the office and was spending a lot of time in the bedroom with her baby.

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:26

No worries @gamerchick

I can’t fault him with how much he does, he does do a fair bit for me and DD, as he should really. But there is this atmosphere when he’s here working. I wonder if he feels it too when I’m here and that’s why he’s keen for me and DD to be out and about?

Being totally frank here. So when I met DP I was late 30s, very overweight, didn’t think any man would look twice at me. Met DP, had DD, feels like a miracle. I’m explaining this as I think for ages I just felt so lucky to be with someone I kind of put up with anything, I don’t have a lot of confidence.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 15:27

@Babymeanswashing

Yeah, a bit. I feel like the expected routine is he goes to ‘work’ (obviously he does, but you know what I mean) and DD and I have to go out to leave him to it.

Have you talked to him about this? It sounds like he needs the whole house for his 'office'? If you've talked to him, how did he respond? If you haven't, what stops you? Do you think there'll be repercussions?

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:27

I post all sorts of crap, if you want to do a search I use this name. I’m not in the bedroom though.

OP posts:

gannett · 05/08/2021 15:27

Don't tell him to fuck off back to the office though. There's a vocal subset of MN who seem to resent WFH because they hate their partner's presence. WFH has made life a lot easier for a lot of people and it's pretty awful to make someone go back to an uncomfortable, knackering commuting life.

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:29

Definitely no repercussions. Not like that at all. But he can be hard to talk to. Like I said to him just now I don’t think I’ll go out again today, it’s too wet. He sort of looked a bit confused as to why I’d told him that but the reality isn’t that great. I’m just sort of sat round. Whereas if he wasn’t here I think we’d be able to get stuff done.

OP posts:

TiredButDancing · 05/08/2021 15:29

Two things could be going on here:

He does want you out of the house and has created an environment and a mindset in which his needs and wants are what you feel the need to prioritise. In which case he's a controlling ass.

You have some issues of your own - eg you keep talking about it being "his house" so is it that you feel you need to accommodate him and actually he really doesn't care either way.

You nee to figure out basically if it's you or him. Because how you deal with it will vary accordingly. If it's you, you ned to work on your issues, and probably self esteem etc. If it' shim, you need to challenge him and get him to stop OR learn to ignore it OR leave him.

gamerchick · 05/08/2021 15:31

@gannett

Yes, but so has the complaints of taking over the whole house, expecting silence/keep the kids silent and out of the way. Not using the office space set up because the kitchen table is more comfortable. Getting the pick of the space if both WFH. It's the level of entitlement of WFH demonstrated by a lot of men since this pandemic started.

There is give and take and it seems to be more take atm.

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:31

I don’t want the thread to get like the WFH debates though.

I get that commuting is shit. But it’s also a bit shit not being able to chill at home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:32

It’s probably more me tbh but I don’t really know how to not have it be me!

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 05/08/2021 15:33

@Babymeanswashing

but the reality isn’t that great. I’m just sort of sat round. Whereas if he wasn’t here I think we’d be able to get stuff done.

So you feel the need to change your behaviour when he's there?

Why's that?

When I say 'repercussions', I don't mean abuse or violence or something; I just mean, do you worry it'll make for an atmosphere or awkwardness.

I'm struggling to see why you can't say to him 'I really need some time each week when I'm home alone, can we talk about how we could make that work?' What stops you? When you say he's 'hard to talk to', how d'you mean?

Original poster

Babymeanswashing · 05/08/2021 15:34

But I do have to change my behaviour, if only because I don’t want to appear on a Zoom meeting

OP posts:

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