Low level irritation with DP: am I with the wrong person?

[Babymeanswashing]

I’m feeling weird at the moment. I had my first baby in November last year, obviously just a month later everything went into lockdown again.

So I’ve tried to make the best of it, gone out loads, made mummy friends, go for walks, coffee, lunch, am active and out a lot. Problem is it’s sort of become the expected norm that I go out and he doesn’t and it’s starting to get to me a bit. Every day he asks me ‘so what are you doing today?’ If it’s getting towards midday and I haven’t gone out he asks me where I’m off to, when will I be back.

Tbh I am longing for a few days at home! Im not saying I wouldn’t go out at all but Im fed up of feeling like I have to be out for hours at a time irrespective of weather, etc.

I feel like we communicate badly. We don’t argue but we struggle to talk which is also hard.

Hobbies, I know these are the bane of every MNetter but I’m a bit resentful of his because he wants me to participate with cycling and it’s just not really fun for me.

I know this probably made little sense but I just need to talk!

@Babymeanswashing

It’s probably more me tbh but I don’t really know how to not have it be me!

It's really important to you that you be you, unfettered. Especially in your own home. Being you and having your feelings isn't something to feel bad about or feel you have to change.

You don't want the moon on a stick - you want a bit of time at home alone. It should be fairly easy to accommodate.

*Yes, but so has the complaints of taking over the whole house, expecting silence/keep the kids silent and out of the way. Not using the office space set up because the kitchen table is more comfortable. Getting the pick of the space if both WFH. It's the level of entitlement of WFH demonstrated by a lot of men since this pandemic started.

There is give and take and it seems to be more take atm.*

This is a problem to do with the partner you picked, not anything to do with WFH vs office.

The shift to WFH is only a positive societal one - I have WFH for over a decade and long been an advocate for it. For most couples and families I know it's been a boon to everyone's mental health, work-life balance etc. Working parents (both sexes) get to see more of their families. Most people aren't selfish with living spaces and just make room for each other even if it isn't ideal.

"Get back to the office" just sounds so regressive.

"His house' and he's a 'DP' and you're at home. I worry that you're in a situation which makes you very financially vulnerable. And if you're not happy it would be difficult to do anything about it.

Power imbalances in relationships aren't healthy, particularly financial ones.

@Babymeanswashing

But I do have to change my behaviour, if only because I don’t want to appear on a Zoom meeting

But why can't he do this in one room with the door shut? Then you could dance about the whole rest of the house wearing nothing but one sock and a bowler hat.

Or... whatever you want. Not sure why I thought of that.

Yes, it is to get out but no way should you feel unwelcome in your own home.

@Babymeanswashing

It’s probably more me tbh but I don’t really know how to not have it be me!

You need to tell him how you feel!

You pinpointed the real issue in your first post - poor communication. You're not talking to each other as partners.

There's no evidence that you need to feel uncomfortable in your home. I don't know what the root of the "atmosphere" you mention is, but you need to talk to him to resolve it. Either it's in your mind in which case he should reassure you that it's your house as well. Or if he does expect it on some level you can set about finding solutions.

Are you afraid to challenge him? Are you reliant on him financially and feel unable to rock the boat? You mentioned about being older, overweight etc above and I wondered if you feel endebted to him in some way, or that he's taking on a saviour role and expects you to be grateful?

He could but as I’ve said he isn’t sort of stuffed into one room working all day. And it is difficult because on the one hand he’s at work and on the other he isn’t.

I’d like it if the thread didn’t turn into a wfh debate. I get that it can work brilliantly but in this particular situation it has challenges and one of those is me being pushed out of the home and I don’t like it. I absolutely agree that’s probably my own feelings about it but they are still my feelings and I am allowed to talk about them.

A lot of speculation there, sorry if I'm off the mark, but I can sense a power imbalance?

Yeah I do feel grateful in many ways but I know relationships shouldn’t work like that.

I think you have ti work on your self esteem op. You're just as worthy as he is and being overweight etc doesn't make you less worthy.

Be yourself at home and do what you want. Yoube got a baby and it is your home. He can work somewhere else and if he chooses not to go to his office then that's on him.

My ex also chose to wfh when he had an office but after the beginning I didn't try and keep the kids quiet etc - tough shit if he couldn't be bothered going to his office.

Weirdly I’m not actually overweight now (or not very!) - lost a lot after having DD. But I definitely have lingering feelings about my weight and can’t believe anyone would want to have a home and child with me. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

It sounds like there’s a big power imbalance here. You say you think he feels like he saved you, but do you feel like that too? As if you’re lucky to have him. But not that he’s lucky to have you? With the fact that the house belongs to his family it’s no wonder you feel a bit of an imposter sometimes. I think you need to have a proper chat about expectations. Maybe come up with a plan for you to find a new place together or at least for you to feel more in control of how you live and spend time in this one.

Snap Boob. I hadn’t read that far!

One of the advantages of WFH is being able to switch between home and work tasks, including family stuff as needed. He seems to be doing that with personal leisure stuff like working on his bike, but not with, say, taking the baby out for a walk. Is that something you could ask him to do? He can say 'no, I'm working' but it rings a bit hollow if he's doing his own stuff at will. It would be nice for them to bond, and for him to use working at home positively to have time with his child during the day.

@Babymeanswashing

He could but as I’ve said he isn’t sort of stuffed into one room working all day. And it is difficult because on the one hand he’s at work and on the other he isn’t.

I’d like it if the thread didn’t turn into a wfh debate. I get that it can work brilliantly but in this particular situation it has challenges and one of those is me being pushed out of the home and I don’t like it. I absolutely agree that’s probably my own feelings about it but they are still my feelings and I am allowed to talk about them.

This makes total sense! It's different obviously but last year DP and I were both working from home with only one living space, and a tiny bedroom. We had to define where we were working, and when, otherwise the other person basically ended up in a situation where they couldn't put the kettle on, chill in front of the telly or talk to their mum without getting right in the way of the other person's work, any time of the bloody day or night. It was hard at first but honestly, the only way to sort it was for me to sit down and have a think about how things could work better, and then talk it through with DP and come to an agreement. It's not sustainable if he's essentially manspreading his day of work/nonwork all over the house and you and a small baby are having to tiptoe around him.

I'd explain to him that as the baby gets bigger and more active it's impractical to constantly be hauling them around, and they need a home space they can run around in. He has another option in terms of workplace, you don't at the moment. I'd be honest that you're finding it stressful feeling like you and the baby don't get time to make noise/play in the house, and trying to think up places to be all the time as you feel he's waiting for you to go out. Here's what you need to agree, calmly over a coffee:

• when is work time for him and when does it end
• which space in the house is workspace for him and which isn't
• when he will have time at home without you and/or the baby
• when you will have time at home without him and/or the baby

I know you feel that he's done you some kind of favour because you don't feel like you truly deserve to be loved and have a family, but you definitely DO. And I'm sure he has his own foibles and qualities you need to put up with too, he's not some kind of prince :)

OP, I think I remember your previous thread. What I sensed there and what I’m sensing with this one is a sort of overwhelming unwillingness to actually talk to your husband. You need to sit him down and tell him what you’re feeling, clearly outlining the situation. There may not be an immediate or surefire solution, but at least he’ll be aware of the situation (and stop asking you when you’re going out).

Also, sorry if I’ve missed it, but I’m not seeing anything about him (when he’s not working), taking your DC off for a walk/activity and leaving you with some time to yourself. Does he do this? If not, then why not?

There may be reasons why you feel unable to have this conversation, in which case, do you think you can articulate what they are? Do you think he’ll react negatively or be unresponsive? Or are you just afraid of rocking the boat? Or is it kind of those things, and do you just feel paralysed/stuck in the dynamic you have now? Or is it something else entirely?

I also think it might be helpful to figure out things that you enjoy doing at home during the day, that are not incompatible with his presence. It doesn’t need to be productive (I think this is something that stymies people - the need to actually be creating/doing/achieving something, and the guilt that comes from perceived laziness). If you want to spend three days binge watching Lost or tearing through Hilary Mantel’s back catalogue, go for it. Enjoy your days.

The thing is, if I sat him down and tried to broach it it becomes very difficult. And that’s why I’m reluctant to talk to him, because I don’t know how.

‘I feel like you’re pushing me out or the home.’
‘You’re not.’

End of discussion except not really?

Feeling you HAVE to go out must be just awful.

I certainly couldn't accept suchba lack of control over what I do with MY day.

Speak up and make your feelings clear.

Are you returning to work?
Does HE take the baby out EVER?

If not, you have a problem.

@Babymeanswashing That wouldn’t be what I just described, though. It would be more “I am longing for a few days at home. Ideally, I’d like it be alone, as when you’re here, it feels like I can’t do XYZ, as it would bother you. I also feel like there’s an expectation that I will go out every day, as when I don’t, you ask me about it. I’m feeling quite unhappy about the situation, I’d like to figure out a way we can address that.”

If he blanks you after that (or some paraphrased version), then he’s not very kind and that’s a whole different issue.

I wonder if his non- verbal messages to you are contradicting his words - so he asks when you're going out, you day you're not; he knows it would be unreadyto tell uou to go out, but maybe jis communicating some surprise/disapproval/disappointment that you are staying in with his face, tone of voice etc. Which he can then deny, leaving you understandably confused.

Its possible that he is also finding it hard to relax with you there. Did your relationship start quite quickly?

Perhaps you could both have a regular time when you each take baby out (eg to swimming, playgroup etc) for a couple of hours, a couple of times a week, so each of you can count on that precious bit of me time, and you d maybe feel a bit more relaxed around each other the rest of the time. It does sound as though he has the flexibility to do this.

Anyway, you definitely need to resolve this before the winter!

@Babymeanswashing

The thing is, if I sat him down and tried to broach it it becomes very difficult. And that’s why I’m reluctant to talk to him, because I don’t know how.

‘I feel like you’re pushing me out or the home.’
‘You’re not.’

End of discussion except not really?

they are still my feelings and I am allowed to talk about them

So you acknowledge that your feelings are worthy of being spoken and heard (and respected?) but your husband shuts you down about this and you feel disgruntled.

It makes sense. Does his 'difficult communication style' affect your relationship in other ways, or do you generally feel heard and respected? Does he concern himself with making sure your needs are met in other ways, or do you perhaps just quietly go without, because there's no point discussing things?

It sounds like there's no point speaking because the outcome is the same as if you didn't speak: your needs don't get met.

Aargh sorry typing went weird there. Try again

I wonder if his non- verbal messages to you are contradicting his words - so he asks when you're going out, you say you're not; he knows it would be unreasonable to tell you to go out, but maybe he is communicating some surprise/disapproval/disappointment that you are staying in with his face, tone of voice etc. Which he can then deny, leaving you understandably confused.

Totally get what you mean, but I think you need to push through that awkwardness or you'll never be able to make changes.

In the end a) he doesn't get to tell you how to feel, "I feel like I'd like some time in the house on my own/just me and the baby" he can't argue that no you don't want that! b) start with what you want the desired outcome to be rather than whether or not he wants you there.

You feel that it's his house and so you don't get a say. That's a power imbalance that isn't great.

Why are you living in his house? What was the arrangement when you moved in (any discussion around rent / bills)?