Dp has anger problems.

[BountyIsUnderrated]

I am so disappointed.
Dp has stress related anger problems since I met him 6 years ago which improved up until the baby was born.
We both know he has issues and he's been working on it, he's always struggled to verbally communicate his feelings so tends to take his anger out instead (throwing stuff sometimes).
I've been depressed recently so tried to be more positive, he's been saying he needs to work on his mood and was improving. Last night we had friends around and something frustrating happened and he couldn't get it to work again for a good 5 minutes, he was slightly annoyed but it escalated to swearing and raising his voice at the thing.
The room got really uncomfortable, he sat back down when it was working again and texted me to say sorry he's had a bad day (which it was really stressful in fairness). I ignored it which sent him storming upstairs for a good 10 minutes (he does this to calm down) he finally returned visibly upset and apologised profusely to everyone for his anger and also at the end of the night.

I know I should be happy he apologised to our friends he was upset he let it get to him, but I'm so ashamed he's never done this in front of friends before (his family know he has a short fuse). He also never lets the baby get to him but when I'm angry in response it tends to make it 10x worse so I feel like I'm on eggshells half the time.
We both love eachother deeply but I'm feeling down again now, I really thought we turned a corner.
Am I right to still be annoyed even though he was apologetic and just try to forget about it?
I'm just so embarrassed.

Does he shout and swear and throw things at work when things go wrong?

I'd be really concerned that he did this in front of other people, tbh.

And you should never feel that you have to walk on eggshells.

It sounds a horrid way to live, OP

I expect your friends might call you to talk about this today. It doesn't sound healthy or normal.
Nike of know how bad the swearing or shouting got but it must have been quite bad. A temper is never a nice quality to have.

No wouldn't forget about it. I would have a break from him. I would say the depression stems from him and his behaviour.

He tends to sulk more in work, the throwing isn't a frequent thing, more with xbox controllers but I hasn't happened in a couple months.
He's cried to me about it saying he hates this side of himself and was getting better. He has been trying really hard, like going to the other room when he's annoyed to calm down.. He just seemed to lose it on this one.
I don't really know what to do as he is very kind and caring otherwise, he always says he's not angry at me just at the thing that's happened to cause him stress.
I'm glad he at least said sorry but annoyed as it was unfair to behave that way in front of our friends.

I would seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to remain in, let alone raise a child in. Walking on eggshells is another way of saying living in fear.

What are his parents like; it may well be that he is merely copying what his father has done.

He does this because he can and it works for him. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviour.

How old is your baby? How can you be so confident that he doesn’t / won’t lose his temper with them?

I’m usually very measured but my children push my buttons sometimes like nothing else. I wouldn’t be at all ok with this.

Because he's 14 months old and does 50/50 childcare I've seen him with the baby and he is very patient.
It's more unfair things that stress him out like if something bad happens and it's out of his control. Yes he does get annoyed when I tell him off for it, recently he has been more apologetic if I tell him to calm down. I told him to go to Dr and about it as maybe medication to reduce anxiety and while he's willing to he's afraid he'll be put on a list.

What has he done to get outside support and help rather than just take off to the other side of the room?. It appears nothing.

How do you know he sulks more in work?.

What you're describing here is domestic violence. Pregnancy and or birth are further flashpoints for such men to up the power and control against their chosen target, in this case you. Your child will also be picking upon all this rubbish from his/her father and do you still want to continue raising a child with him, let alone be in a relationship with him?. It is also a small step from throwing xbox controllers to potentially knocking you about.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time because if they were, no-one would want to be with them. What you're also describing is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Get further help and support from Womens Aid and contact them.

You've been around to step in with your baby. I take it as read from your last comment that he has not been to the doctors either because he is afraid is he going to be put on a list (a list of what exactly?). Its an excuse and a poor one at that.

Telling him off makes you further seem like another version of his mother and that is probably someone else he dislikes intensely. You do this too and it does not work, this from him still continues.

What do you do when things beyond your control stress you out?. I would think your first reaction is to not throw xbox controllers around or take it out on him. But he does this to you and in turn your child.

I think you are being far too accommodating here. He absolutely can control his temper when he has to.

Like others, I'd be willing to bet that he is able to control himself at work. I highly doubt that he lashes out and throws stuff around there or he knows he would be fired.

He is choosing to subject you and your friends (even joint friends) to this.

Take a break from him. A long one. Maybe becoming permanent. I don't think that you can trust someone like this around your baby either, so take baby with you.

A list, really! He needs professional help and whilst you and he make excuses, it’s never going to change. Apparently, ‘trying his best’ doesn’t extend to making an appointment with his GP.

Well thank goodness your friends witnessed his behaviour, hopefully embarrassment will be catalyst for him doing more than paying lip service. Managing his behaviour is his responsibility and he

Good luck with managing a child’s challenging behaviour with a an adult behing like one.

@attilathemeerkat

I'm not a saint, most of the time I'm not visibly angry if something stressful happens but I have raised my voice in the past, I've started to get angry in response to him being angry which is not healthy for me which I've tried to stop doing now.
I had depression after the baby was born and we were at eachother throats, him being in a mood can get me in a mood.
I've never thrown anything or slammed any doors.
Sometimes I'll be in a good mood and he'll come home unhappy from work and it just brings me down. Sometimes he's not actually angry but just comes across that way, I've been wondering if it's depression as he seems a very emotional person, he can be very tearful.
I just don't know how to get him help, all the people saying LTB we do love eachother and he knows it's a problem, he's trying I just think he needs that extra support.

I'm shocked! Both at his behaviour and you minimising it op!!

Your kid is heading towards 2, and this is where the testing age starts. And you are with someone violent. Good luck

This is totally unacceptable behaviour and he knows it if he’s crying and apologising.

FWIW my DP used to be like this, storming around kicking things and throwing things when he was angry like a spoilt toddler. He was an angry kid by the sounds of it, and an ‘Xbox controller thrower’ in his teens and just never grew out of it.

He did it in his own house, scaring his kids too. If he lost his keys or stubbed his toe his instinct was to throw a chair or kick a bin etc. He did it at my house once and I was so terrified I called the police and he was arrested. Funnily enough he hasn’t done it since then. He has done a lot of growing up in other ways too. We split up and he had some counselling, read some self help books etc. I made it clear that this was not negotiable and that if he ever did anything like it again I’d be gone for good.

It seems they can control themselves when they choose to.

I’d draw a hard line and tell him to move out until he can control himself (or indeed permanently if that’s what you want). This is not the example you want to set for your children. My DP thought his kids found it funny because they would giggle when he kicked off. It was clear to me that this was a defence mechanism to make them “cute” and therefore calm him down and make sure he wasn’t angry at them. Terrifying really that he couldn’t see it but it had become so normal to him that he’d never considered how others saw him, a grown man stomping around breaking things.

If he wants to change OP, he needs to engage with professionals.

And I would make that a condition of you staying.

Look at all the child/baby deaths when they are left with an angry father - it takes once OP.

@shitshop

Thank you for the advice it was really helpful.
I am starting to reach the end of my tether with it so if he gets a temper again I am afraid I will have to issue an ultimatum, either he follows through with the gp or I leave.
I don't want to leave him though I can't imagine my life without him, he knows it's unacceptable around the baby hence why he is trying to cut it out.
His father also had anger issues which I think has just normalised it for him.
My father had a temper as well and actually hit me a few times which has affected me greatly and given me trust issues. I will not tolerate it in my house anymore.
I'm just so upset I was so happy yesterday and a perfectly good evening was ruined.
I think another issue as well is we never really get a break and as he drives he does all of the picking the baby up etc, his job is very physical so he's always tired.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You seem to have chosen another version of your dad.

@attilathemeerkat

What a cruel and unnecessary comment, do you enjoy putting people down?

@AttilaTheMeerkat doesn’t seem wrong given what you’ve said: it’s just a matter of time before he hits you

You said he was improving, and you're disappointed and worried that this is a big step back- but he recognised the behaviour and apologized, and you acknowledge it was an especially stressful day.

I don't condone abuse of any kind. But I do think it's important to give someone you love a chance to improve. You staying annoyed about it hours later, when he's already upset with himself and has already apologized isn't going to help him move forward and get back on track. Ultimately either you can forgive him or you can't. Neither choice is necessarily right or wrong, it's for you to decide what you can or want to tolerate, and whether or not you think he can get this part of himself under control.

I agree he needs professional help though. No one is superhuman, he and you both see that there are extra triggers in abundance right now (tiredness, stress etc), so it's normal that he needs extra support and guidance to help him really solve the issues. He's not being reasonable if he thinks he can just do it all by himself.

@littlered53

Probably the most helpful and empathetic comment in this thread, thank you.
I do agree that he clearly is struggling on his own, I think the next step may be to try antidepressant medication.
He struggles a lot with stress and I am trying to support him more, I've recently come out of feeling low and have been more understanding.
I do agree that steaming about it and feeling resentful probably isn't the way forward, that tends to just lead to things going backwards in my experience.
This morning and last night he told me he loved me very much and was in a good mood but he usually is in the morning. I think the work day is what gets to him more than anything as his job is tough and he deals with frustrating people.
I will try to forgive him for now but if anything happens again we will have to sit down and have a talk. I think last night he realised what he did was unacceptable as he was profusely apologetic to everyone.

My father had a temper as well and actually hit me a few times which has affected me greatly and given me trust issues. I will not tolerate it in my house anymore

You don’t have trust issues - your H is displaying the exact same scary behaviour as your dad and often aggression against inanimate objects escalated to violence against people. Attila is just pointing out that we often gravitate towards the familiar - subconsciously perhaps - and end up replaying the same relationships with other people in the hope we can ‘get it right’ this time. Unfortunately there is no way YOU can get this right without him sorting himself out. All you can do is have cast iron boundaries. That may mean you don’t wait for the next time, you speak to him now while it’s calm and say you just don’t want this, that you’re on eggshells waiting for the next time he kicks off and you don’t want your child to see this behaviour and end up normalising it as he has done from his own dad. Be serious about it, and have a zero tolerance policy. FWIW my DP had led up to the incident by being a bit domineering and then by throwing a piece of screwed up paper at me in an argument. He couldn’t understand why I went ballistic as “it didn’t hurt” but it was the sheer disrespect and lack of empathy for others around him that led him to behave like that. People don’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself so decide that you expect better of man who’s lucky enough to share your life. And mean it.

Does he take his anger and frustration out in these frustrating colleagues he works with? Or does he save it for home?

Sounds like a choice to me

And he's choosing to abuse you and his kid

It was neither a cruel or heartless comment. We do indeed gravitate towards the familiar and both your man and you saw domestic abuse in your childhoods

You have a choice re this man, your child does not.