Dp has anger problems.

[BountyIsUnderrated]

I am so disappointed.
Dp has stress related anger problems since I met him 6 years ago which improved up until the baby was born.
We both know he has issues and he's been working on it, he's always struggled to verbally communicate his feelings so tends to take his anger out instead (throwing stuff sometimes).
I've been depressed recently so tried to be more positive, he's been saying he needs to work on his mood and was improving. Last night we had friends around and something frustrating happened and he couldn't get it to work again for a good 5 minutes, he was slightly annoyed but it escalated to swearing and raising his voice at the thing.
The room got really uncomfortable, he sat back down when it was working again and texted me to say sorry he's had a bad day (which it was really stressful in fairness). I ignored it which sent him storming upstairs for a good 10 minutes (he does this to calm down) he finally returned visibly upset and apologised profusely to everyone for his anger and also at the end of the night.

I know I should be happy he apologised to our friends he was upset he let it get to him, but I'm so ashamed he's never done this in front of friends before (his family know he has a short fuse). He also never lets the baby get to him but when I'm angry in response it tends to make it 10x worse so I feel like I'm on eggshells half the time.
We both love eachother deeply but I'm feeling down again now, I really thought we turned a corner.
Am I right to still be annoyed even though he was apologetic and just try to forget about it?
I'm just so embarrassed.

@BountyIsUnderrated It's good to have a plan of action in your mind, to have decided ahead of time 'If X happens, I will do Y'. That way you can act based on that plan, rather than reacting on emotion in the heat of the moment, if you see what I mean.

I'm really glad you feel like I was being empathetic, reading my post back I'm not sure it came across, but I really do relate to your situation and my heart goes out to you. I know all too well how hard it can be to view a setback for what it is, and move on, when it brings back all those old feelings and reminds you what a bad place you were in before- the fear and dread of going back there can colour your ability to put one lone incident in context. I would take heart from the fact that improvents have been made though, and I do think it's a big plus that your DP recognises there is a problem and the wish to change is coming from him, not being pushed on him.

Wishing you all the best x

The problem with “he’s really sorry and ashamed of himself” is that it’s the exact same with most abusive people - nobody is horrid all the time, otherwise people wouldn’t stick around long enough to be abused.

Ask any woman who’s husband has been physically violent whether he apologised and was tearful afterwards and I bet at least 50% of them are. It’s part of the cycle.

So I know you don’t see him as abusive, but please don’t think that him being sorry afterwards says anything in particular about the likelihood of him doing it again. Or indeed of it escalating to worse behaviour.

Women’s aid include punching walls and throwing things as well as shouting and mocking etc as signs of abuse, so it’s not exaggerating to call it that.

There used to be a poster on here - may have even been Attila - who would say on every thread like this “the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE”. I think that’s what opened my eyes at the time. And what made me go zero tolerance on anything - even name calling and shouting, that many accept as a normal part of arguing - as it made me feel unloved and unsafe, in which case I’d be better on my own. I made the choice to shut down any disrespectful behaviour immediately and make it known that if it continued he’d be out. So far it seems to be working. Obviously we still have the odd cross words, but there’s no intimidation or name calling, it remains on a level I’m comfortable with.

He could do worse than learning the technique - in short, learning how to respond rather than react. It works best when he uses it every day when faced with minor stresses so that it becomes an automatic behaviour.

CBT would help him to understand the thoughts-feelings-actions cycle and how he can change his behaviour by changing the way he processes his thoughts.

Atilla is a wise and considered poster OP an you would do well to pay attention to what she is saying. Your OH sounds very very like my abusive ex, I have wasted over 2 decades of my life on this man and you are on the same path.

Why wait until there's another incident before insisting he engages with his gp? Stop kicking the can down the road, he needs to do this now if you really believe it's depression or stress behind it. If he needs help, he needs it sooner rather than later.

[quote BountyIsUnderrated]@attilathemeerkat

What a cruel and unnecessary comment, do you enjoy putting people down?[/quote]
I didn't see anything cruel about this tbh. It's true, and exploring why in counselling would probably help you.

I will not tolerate it in my house anymore

Well, that's not true is it, because you're refusing to leave. So you are continuing to tolerate it and continuing to tolerate the abuse of a baby.

Your baby deserves to be removed from this abusive environment. If you refuse to safeguard your baby then I hope the witnesses report it so that somebody else can.

It is horrific that a baby is being forced to live like this and suffering the inevitable damage to their developing nervous system that will cause lifelong damage.

It is one thing to allow yourself to be abused - allowing a baby to be abused like this is unconscionable. There is no excuse.

You can’t imagine your life without a man who shouts, swears, throws things and has temper tantrum’s?

Attila said nothing wrong and has only tried to help you.

Just because the truth of your situation makes you feel uncomfortable, that does not justify lashing out at other people with name-calling and nastiness. That won't change the facts. It should make you feel uncomfortable.

You are no better than him if you become abusive towards anyone who doesn't say what you want to hear.

OP,

Your father has left you damaged and you have indeed chosen a man that is similar.

I feel terribly sorry for the child you have being raised in suchba toxic environment.

You absolutely are minimising his behaviour, to such an extent that you don't realise it is very likely to be one of the reasons you feel low at times.

You are living on your nerves, walking on eggshells because of an abusive man in a house with domestic violence.

Him throwing things, IS domestic violence.

You need to stop minimising, speak to YOUR GP, and Women's Aid and get some support.

You have a child that needs protecting from this.

Do you really want what you grew up with, for your child?

User totally over the top, OP didn't call Attila a name and I don't think she was abusive either. She's being slated on this thread for having no boundaries and yet when she exercises boundaries to say that she doesn't like a comment someone has made you try to put her firmly in her place.

I agree with what Attila said fwiw and I know she posts sense but you are calling out the OP way too viciously for what she actually said.

Fwiw I just had a heart to heart with my husband and he agreed with everything I said.
That he's been making progress and trying and that it took a lot to wear him down yesterday (friend was witness to a really shit day) and that he's sorry to have embarrassed me and for his behaviour.
He also has spoken to our friends and they are very understanding.

I must have depicted him as a monster for all the comments in this thread! He does not physically abuse me or the baby, has mostly stopped throwing things just very occasionally the odd xbox controller in the past couple months but not recently. We have both agreed that ruminating over last night as a step back is not a positive thing to do as he is upset anyway and will probably just make us both miserable.
I have obviously put boundaries in place and speaking to him about it has helped clear the air.
The eggshells is more when he has been really upset, but I admit that's probably not the best time to criticise him for being frustrated.
We have agreed to try counselling in future.

Who are you trying to convince that all is rosy OP?

@wewereliars

I'm not I wouldn't be here if it was. Just being factual.

Was hoping someone would be able to give advice on medical help like cbt etc for mental health instead of just stirring the pot and making strong assumptions of my life.

OP you are looking for help because our OH is making you miserable, and lashing out at people telling you how this goes, because we've lived throught it. Stay as you are, that's your call. Your baby won't thank you though,.

@wewereliars

I guess I should just wallow in my depression then with that attitude because flawed people are incurable right?
I'm looking for ways to help him because I love him and as I've said he has improved a lot over the past couple of years.
If anger issues were so uncommon there wouldn't be anger management courses.
I don't just drop the people I love the moment I find out they are flawed.
Of course if he ever harmed me or my baby I would kick him to the curb but that is not currently the case.

Do what you like.

OP you’re really lashing out at people who are just trying to help you. Do you maybe want to examine exactly why it is that you are so incredibly angry with the comments? Is it possibly because they are resonating on a deep level even if you don’t want to consciously admit it?

You talk about counselling and anger management. Your husband is not doing either despite obviously needing both. Nor has he seen a medical professional for free of being “put on a list”. Until he actually starts doing any of those things, nothing has changed. And he’s had plenty of time to start taking action but has deliberately chosen not to. It’s all well and good promising you that things will change. Proof is in taking action.
I would also kindly suggest that you seek therapy. You obviously have trauma from your history and you are finding yourself in not dissimilar situations in your marriage. You need help too.

You cannot act as his rescuer or saviour here, it does not work. You are also not responsible for his actions or choices.

Are you really this determined to learn the hard way?.

He is already harming you because you have felt you are walking on eggshells. You were yourself raised in a home where domestic violence took place as did he. Your boundaries are skewed also because of this.

This man has caused you to feel as depressed as you are.

@featheredhope

If you read my update you would know we are looking into counselling.
That's what we are doing.
Thank you everyone for the helpful comments, some not so helpful and more goady. We are looking into further therapy which we are seeing as a step in the right direction.
Cheers for the advice

He IS harming you and the baby.

Your mh is suffering and your baby will be learning to have to cope with an angry, powerful man as their father - just as you had.

This IS abusive no matter how much you excuse and try to minimise this.

Now IS the time for that ultimatum.

There is no such "list" he will be put on for genuinely seeking help and genuinely acknowledging his behaviour is way out of order.

I suspect what he's actually afraid of is medical professionals/ "the authorities" knowing he is abusive and therefore being alert to the fact that you and the baby are vulnerable.

Enough is enough op, this must be addressed now as a pp said certainly before the baby hits terrible twos and more.

I certainly wouldn't be leaving such a man alone with a baby or toddler

Attila is very knowledgeable, insightful and gives good advice on relationships. She certainly wasn't out of order what she said, but clearly it hit a nerve!

That is what you need to examine - why you responded to a perfectly reasonable and correct comment the way you did.

Tiptoeing on eggshells is not how you or your child should be living ever.

It very likely is why you're feeling low - because living that way is tense and exhausting.

Speak to him in a way that is safe making it clear he has to seek professional help or you and baby are gone - and mean it. He cannot do this himself he's proven that is true.

If I were one of those friends? Quite honestly I'd have contacted social services first thing this morning because there is a baby involved and I'd be thinking "Jesus! If that's what he's like when there's witnesses what the hell is he like in private?!"

At the very very least I'd be watching and listening closely to you for signs that you were a victim of dv.

This is not good or healthy it's not even close to.

It's one thing accepting such behaviour for yourself it's quite another tolerating it for a baby and exposing them to this.

The first question I would ask myself is whether you are safe from violence. If so, can you continue to live in this way, which it sounds like it is often uncomfortable, with you having to be on your guard all of the time. You can and should think about your own safety and happiness.

How long you want to give him to make some lasting progress is a difficult one. As it's already been some years, it doesn't sound like the odds are good to be honest.

@FeatheredHope

OP you’re really lashing out at people who are just trying to help you. Do you maybe want to examine exactly why it is that you are so incredibly angry with the comments? Is it possibly because they are resonating on a deep level even if you don’t want to consciously admit it?

You talk about counselling and anger management. Your husband is not doing either despite obviously needing both. Nor has he seen a medical professional for free of being “put on a list”. Until he actually starts doing any of those things, nothing has changed. And he’s had plenty of time to start taking action but has deliberately chosen not to. It’s all well and good promising you that things will change. Proof is in taking action.
I would also kindly suggest that you seek therapy. You obviously have trauma from your history and you are finding yourself in not dissimilar situations in your marriage. You need help too.

All of this.

If your partner really wants things to change then he needs to go to anger management, or counselling, or the GP to get anti-anxiety meds if he gets angry because he's stressed, or just fucking do something about it.

He's not done anything about it.

I cannot emphasise enough that he is harming your child with his behaviour. You grew up with an angry dad and chose an angry partner. If you want better for your DC, you'll give your DP an ultimatum that he does something concrete about this or he needs to leave.

Anger management courses as well are NO answer to domestic violence which is what you’re describing. Throwing objects or punching walls, no matter how infrequently this occurs, are both examples of domestic violence within the home.

You love him but love here is not enough. He had to want to show a proper determination to address this and he does not want to. His own father likely never did either. You can only help your own self ultimately.