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Original poster

Is maintenance sex yuck or yay?

76 replies

smilingcaz · 05/08/2021 08:53

What do you think about maintenance sex?

Where you do it even if you’re not in the mood

To be clear, this is not doing it because you’re being coerced, guilt tripped or forced into it

This is doing it when you could easily say you’re tired, got too much to do or don’t feel like it

Because if you keep waiting for you both to be in the mood, not tired, kids asleep, house to be tidy, to do list to be all done ….. well you could be waiting forever

And that if you sometimes do it even when everything’s not perfect it will keep your sex life (and marriage) ticking along

What do you think about maintenance sex? Yuck or Yay

OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 05/08/2021 15:45

In my last relationship, I thought I was having maintenance sex. Turned out it was horrible abuse that physically and mentally broke me. I think the concept is fine but as OP has demonstrated we need to be very clear what we are describing and who we are recommending it to. The possible consequences of sex where it's not really desired are much bigger than doing chores or exercise etc. As long as both parties are aware of that risk, communicate openly and respect eachother, I can see it working. Personally I've sworn off maintenance sex
despite being in a healthy relationship now because of my history but know that it might work well for others.

samyeagar · 05/08/2021 17:04

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

I don't pretend to speak for men as a whole, but yes, I have absolutely done this.

My wife and I are both near 50, and she has a higher drive than I do. She'd go every day. I'm happy with twice a week. We meet in the middle.

LightAtHeart · 05/08/2021 17:32

I hate the term "maintenance sex". However, I freely admit that I have more of a reactive than autonomous desire (as per Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are). I love it when my DP spends time seducing me and getting me in the mood! BTW it goes both ways as yes, I do occasionally feel autonomous desire when he might not be thinking about it. Also, if I really don't feel like it even after some seductive moves, that's fine and I never feel pressured into sex (nor does he, to clarify).

Wearywithteens · 05/08/2021 17:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Nonmaquillee · 05/08/2021 17:40

Is this yet another thing to be added to the “to do” list for married/partnered-up women with children?

FriedasCarLoad · 05/08/2021 17:44

It's a good thing - yay! Regular sex (if both are able) is really important for a happy marriage.

The term "maintenance sex" sounds rather unromantic though Confused

sunnyzweibrucken · 05/08/2021 18:01

it's yuck for me, it would definitely feel like a chore instead of a spontaneous desire to be intimate.

onelittlefrog · 05/08/2021 18:14

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

Well I think from previous responses on here you've got a resounding answer of yes. They do.
onelittlefrog · 05/08/2021 18:16

I think it can work for some people, but obviously only if both people are actually up for it and want to try.

As with everything in sex, there are very fine lines around consent and you have to be careful.

Anothernick · 05/08/2021 18:39

I have done this too. I generally do not turn my DW down, I enjoy it when we get going and I do not want to give her an excuse to turn me down. We've been together 30 years and regular sex has been fundamental all of that time.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/08/2021 18:59

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

Yes, some do. It's happened in my relationships and, talking to friends, I know it has for them too.

Sometimes people of either sex need to "prime the pump" to get going.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/08/2021 19:06

Some people experience "responsive desire", where they may not feel sexual desire spontaneously, but if they start making out, they enjoy it and desire builds once they've got going. This article says it applies to 5% of men and 30% of women. I would imagine it varies according to what else is going on in your life, too. There have been times when I just felt too busy /tired for sex, but nearly always enjoyed it lots once we did it.
Being generous and giving is important to me in a relationship. Maintenance sex is another way of showing you care and doing something together. But it has to depend on context. There is a big difference between :

  • I don't actively want sex right now but will do it as a caring and generous act, and
  • I actively DO NOT want sex right now and will be pissed off if you keep asking.
Gingerodgers · 05/08/2021 19:57

If you’re having frequent, spontaneous sex, the need for maintenance sex becomes obsolete, so for those doing that, it’s easy to think’ yuk, why would you?’

mamamamame · 05/08/2021 20:00

@Wearywithteens what point am I missing?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/08/2021 20:01

A definite yay from me.

Catullus5 · 05/08/2021 21:09

We're both very busy so my DW and I schedule maintenance intimacy, ie, cuddling etc. Sometimes that leads to sex, sometimes not. We also schedule in sex when the kids are out of the house.

We've been married two decades. Completely spontaneous sex just isn't a thing that happens to us. If we didn't make a resolution to have regular sex we'd probably stop. Why do we bother then? Because it brings up closer and reminds us that our sex life is something we've built slowly over many years, despite various difficulties, and it's something we've created together.

Peppaismyrolemodel · 05/08/2021 21:09

Mine does.. I think an associated issue, is do men talk about this in the same way.. prolly not! At least not here-. I suspect many men give it a go after not being too fussed and then find they want it-

rainbowfairydust · 05/08/2021 21:22

I think if you do it and both end up getting something enjoyable out of it in the end... Then it's fine... But I think the resentment builds and it doesn't feel right if one person (typically the male) gets the enjoyment reward whilst the woman doesn't!

BasicDad · 05/08/2021 21:33

Two types of "maintenance" sex here.

Still attracted to partner: Doesn't feel like it, but will sometimes go along with it (especially if it's been a while) and very likely get into it.

Not attracted to partner: Doesn't feel like it. Wouldn't ever consider trying to get into it (borderline offensive notion). Get over it,

Attraction being dead could be the result of partner being a shit partner. Not always the case though. Sometimes attraction is just gone. If it's not mutual, probably best to end it.

Catullus5 · 05/08/2021 21:35

@Peppaismyrolemodel

Mine does.. I think an associated issue, is do men talk about this in the same way.. prolly not! At least not here-. I suspect many men give it a go after not being too fussed and then find they want it-
In my experience men would rather drink battery acid than talk about sexual dysfunction. Perhaps it's different among younger men (I'm mid 40s) but I can't think of a single occasion when I've had that sort of disussion with another man.

And yeah, I tend to find that once I've got going I'm happy to continue!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 05/08/2021 21:51

In my experience men would rather drink battery acid than talk about sexual dysfunction

DH informs me that in his experience, (straight) men don't talk about sex, ever. They might talk around it in a way-hey-stupid-Nuts-magazine kind of way, but they don't ever talk about the actual sex they are having with their wives or partners. I know from our own sex life that he can give the mood a chance to get into him too, though .

(Gay men, OTOH, talk about sex all the time. In graphic, and excruciating, detail.)

thelegohooverer · 05/08/2021 21:57

I think it’s a really grim term. I definitely don’t think of it in that way at all.

There are times when I want it more than he does, or he wants it more than I do. I think we both enjoy giving the other pleasure so if he’s more turned on than I am, I might concentrate more on him, and vice versa.

And obviously no is an option because there’s no pleasure in it if isn’t working at some level for both.

The concept of maintenance sex is really bugging me though. It seems quite different from being generous towards each other. I think keeping intimacy in a marriage starts further back - being polite to each other, being considerate in lots of little ways, small non-sexual touches in passing, making time to chat. If those things are absent, I don’t think that a weekly sex appointment will make much difference.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 06/08/2021 09:27

I think of it as a lighthearted term, not fully understood by young people who are at it all the time, and embraced by older people in long term loving relationships, who 'get' the joke.
I've spoken to a few of my friends, and none of us take it too seriously.
We all understand that it's not an excuse for coercive sex.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/08/2021 10:57

@HarebrightCedarmoon. I think a lot of what you have said Definitely relates to me. I ‘was’ perfectly interested till I hit around 43 - and as you say that’s the point when natural fertility usually starts to be pretty non existent — after 51 and menopause it dropped like a stone. The problem is of course for many men of similar age they are still going strong and you can end up with acomplete mismatch and start to feel a bit ‘obliged/forced’ . I’m sure it’s why you end up with a lot of divorces/ affairs in this age group too. Clearly the same applies to a few men too having read these threads. Maybe their wives are all taking HRT or something because mentally as well as physically find it doesn’t appeal anymore , and nor does it make me feel ‘closer’ etc— just makes me agitated. There isnt an easy answer I’m afraid and it may well bring about the demise of my marriage along with a few other things but I have found my body simply won’t go along with something even for maintenance unless I am fully in the mood mentally and physically , but that may be because I am no longer feeling the love 100% as they say

ravenmum · 06/08/2021 11:11

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

I'm pretty sure that my bf sometimes has sex with me despite being knackered because he can see I'm up for it and wants to please me, yes. But this "evidence" that some men do it doesn't mean that it isn't an issue for women.